My wife's affair was with a co-worker.

After d-day, the phone calls stopped between them. But I was sure they were still seeing each other at work.

If your WS refuses to give up their job and continues to work with OP, but claims the affair is over. How do you verify that there is NC.

Obviously my goal is to have my wife find another job, but for now, that's not going to happen. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation until you can get your spouse to agree to a strategy and plan for recovery?

My situation has lot's of other problems, but I still wanted to get a feel for what other people did if they had a similar situation.

I know I'm not ready to completely give up on my marriage, but I am getting close.

If you are not ready to give up on the marriage, and she won't quit her job, then put it in her lap. Tell her what you would like, what would make you comfortable, but then tell her that IF she wants to be married to you and keep the job, then she is going to have to make you feel these things while still being in her job. It will be her job to help you rebuild the marriage and assure you that the A is over and remains over.

Your boundaries are:

You won't accept OM as her friend.

You expect her to do her best to avoid contact.

You expect her to tell you when there is contact.

Then you two talk about how best to do this and let her lead the discussion, let her tell you what her plan is, let her explain to you why she wants the marriage and then express that you want to trust her. Ask her what her plan is to rebuild that trust are there things you can do to help, things she plans to do.

Eventually, she may well decide to leave and seek another job especially as recovery proceeds and she is more comfortable that her leaving the job will not be wasted by you deciding later you want a divorce. You see she doesn't really trust you either.

Think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I am in the same position as you. WH doesn't want to make a big effort to quit is job, but if the "right" job came along, he would persue it. The things I have done was to get WH's password to his work and home emails so I can monitor then whenever I want. I have also asked to be told whenever there is any contact what so ever, even if it was he saw her in the kitchen and turned around and walked the other way. Short of a job change, there isn't too much more I can do.

Just Learning,

Thanks, great suggestions. I printed them out and will work on bringing them up with my wife.

I have access to my wife's work email, she doesn't know it, and to be honest I haven't looked yet. Schools out so there hasn't been any reason.

But if you still don't or can't trust your spouse, has anyone come up with a way to find out what's going on while they are at work?

I don't think I could trust any of her co-workers to help, so I guess we just have to have faith in our WS.

What did I do to find out for sure? A few years ago, I finally insisted that he drive me to his office and let me see his work email. We were out shopping and I said it had to be right then and there before he had a chance to delete anything. He said we couldn't go because he didn't have his badge for entry. I took the badge out of my purse and handed it to him. He couldn't say no without looking dead guilty, so off we went. He had tons of stuff saved and I knew right where to look. It was all there in black and white.

Recently he actually *offered* to let me see his email. I guess he thought I'd only look in the newly cleaned out inbox. Again, I zeroed in it and found clear evidence of more lies (and some were whoppers.)

Tell her you want access to her work email. Offer to let her have access to yours. If she refuses to let you see her email, that's all the answer you need.
Mulan

Edited to add: Crikey, Grove, if you've got access to her email I don't know of any better way to find out the truth. Start looking and look in ALL the folders, no matter what they are named. Just make sure you really want to know and be prepared for what you will see. It won't be easy, but I'd still rather have the truth instead of lies and uncertainty.

Mulan,

So, are you in recovery? Sounds as if the A still active.

My A was with a co-worker so in an effort to let my H feel safe, he has my password to my work email and my work cell phone. My H and I had a discussion about this subject this morning because in his job he has access to women all the time. Since his last A was with a customer I no longer feel safe with his job. It is not his job to figure out what to do to help me feel safe. It really helped to have a frank discussion about this.