I don't know where to start. This is my first posting. My husband was my high school sweet heart. We have been married for 12 years. We have no children mainly because of his decision which I would rather have him than children if a choice has to be made. He has told me that he loves me but is not in love with me. He wants freedom especially sexual freedom and says he is interested in an open marriage/swinging--which I am extrememly opposed to. He says he has constant thoughts about being with other women. He says he has these 'urges' that he constantly suppresses because he is married to me. He says he has not had an affair just urges. Even though he has not had an affair I still feel betrayed. I feel lost and raw. I don't know what to do. I need somone to talk to that's why I'm posting this. I am reluctant to tell my family and friends b/c I don't want them to think badly of him even though he's breaking my heart.

Aching, welcome to MB. This is typical WS talk. Are you sure he is not already in an A?

I am sorry you are here. I hope we can be helpful.

You can't do something you are not comfortable with, so you might need to make some decisions on your own.

Your H is no different than any other human being. Urges are urges. But he made a commitment to you 12 years ago, and until you "both" decide on an "open" marriage, I suggest he seek counseling.

It reminds me of an old saying: Until the pain of remaining the same, hurts more than the pain of change, people prefer to remain the same.

I would talk to someone you feel you can trust in your family. Perhaps they can give him another side to the sitch. Why would they think "badly" of him unless he was behaving "badly"? I think he's calling for help at this point...testing the waters.

Stick to your beliefs. No one should make anyone do or participate in something that makes them feel uncomfortable.

If you need anymore help from me, I will check on you Monday as I am away for the weekend,

holiday

Achingheart,

Oh...I feel for you and know exactly how you are feeling. My H asked me to swing with him for years. He told me the same thing about his urges, and how much he wished that we could both share in the experience of having another person. Everytime we had sex, another person was mentioned..as a hypohetical what if we did this... He even tried to tell me that I could swing without him...in hopes that I would really like it and tell him that he could do the same. We were also high school sweethearts who have been married for 11 years...and I do not know if this is your sitch, but in mine had only been with each other.

I was like you and felt that when we took marriage vows, that meant being monogomous as well as sticking it out through good and bad. I fought the open marriage thing for years....then last year, he decided that all that I said was stupid, and that sex was just sex after all. The first woman who threw herself at him, he took. Then fell in love...he found out sex was more than just sex. The ache in my heart is now more like a whole.

I am not telling you this to encourage an open marriage, but telling you this as an eyeopener. DO not treat it like an annoyance...and yes, expose what he is saying!!!

The difference in our two sitches...is that my hubby told me that he loved me daily, and that even during his affair, never wanted her as a wife or as the mother of his kids...he was totally in love with me...I would really get some counseling on that one...and as a betrayed spouse, would also question if there isn't an emotional affair happening with someone. Your H may believe that he has not crossed the line, as my H did, b/c he has not been physical yet. My H decided that it was ok to sleep with another woman when SHE kissed him...it was at that point that he felt he could not turn back. BUT he was already invloved emotionally with the other woman as a good friend, and was already lying to me about how close they had become, b/c he knew I would "overreact".

I would definitely suggest some sort of counseling, AND would really suggest that you start "snooping". He may feel violated,but you do have a right to check up on your spouse...do not feel guilty. I wish I would have checked up on mine!

I wish you the best.

True

Okay... Your H may or may not be having or have had an affair at this point.

If your lucky, he's just frustrated and lonely and thinks he can find satisfaction by getting additional sex. I say that's the lucky scenario because you have the opportunity to change his mind by meeting his emotional needs (ENs).

My wife and I went down this road, unfortunately. She had lost affection for me, and I didn't realize how she really felt. When she asked about swinging, I thought, "Uh... Okay, sound's like fun!"

Stupid me.

First (and your H will soon discover this) in swinging, women have ALL the options. I had NO success, and my wife had fabulous success at finding partners.

And then, she fell in love w/ somebody, because, as it turns out, this wasn't about having fun, this was her misguided attempt to fill the ache in her heart from the lack of affection she felt towards me, and her perception that I didn't love her (not true, but I didn't show my love for her well). She carried on a physical and emotional affair w/ this guy and kept it hidden from me for quite a while.

If you're unlucky, and your H has already started to fool around, and he's just trying to cover his tracks by getting you to join in, then you will have a VERY tough time getting his heart back until you can find a way to step in and end the affair. It would be worth your effort to do a little snooping to see if there are other tell-tale signs of an affair.

In any event, try to figure out what his unmet ENs are. Obviously, some ENs are unmet, or he would feel as though he were in love w/ you.

Good luck, and feel free to come back and keep talking it out. This is the best site I've found for support while my W and I fight our way back into a good marriage.

Thanks for your time advice. I am so glad I found this site. Truetoself you especially hit the nail on the head with the scenario of him adding someone else to our bedroom when we have sex...at first I resisted but thought if this is what does it for him okay...I can't be a prude but now I guess it has led to wanting to take it further.

I really, really don't think he has had an affair--yet. We have our own business and I stay at home and I can watch him on cameras all day from home on the internet--if I want and I do check in on him from time to time.I have asked him if there is someone he has in mind to start his open marriage idea with and he says no he just wants to tell me about these urges. He first told me about them about 2-3 months ago and I did kind of ignore it and think it would pass and then with the drama of our business I got sidetracked with it until it slapped me in the face again.
With our business we are going through renegotiating our lease and it is very stressful. So much time and energy and talk about the business and none about us. Which the success of the business I also blame in a selfish way. I think the extra money has led to buying things you always wanted, then bought it because you could and now what else can give me satisfaction to have/buy. When you can have what you want...why stop at sex only with your wife?

He did say he would get counseling and read books/listen to some cassettes for helping marriages that I ordered and should get any day now.

I just got off the phone with my mom about it and it feels so much better to have told her.

Definitely get the "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters" books. I've bought but haven't yet read "Fall In Love Stay In Love" but I expect that it'll be good, too.

Good luck,

Thanks Bronzeguy for your honesty--it is truly appreciated. I'm sure my H does have some unmet ENs but so do I..we'll just have to take it from there and see where it goes.

My H also told me that he would like to be single and would not get married again. It's so hurtful and nonchalant like saying I wouldn't watch that movie again. But in the same breath, he would always want me to be his best friend...is he crazy? Why would I want to chat about his escapades with him? He has no single friends, I just wonder what the allure is. I suppose since we have been together since high school that he has never been on his own. I am the only person he has ever been with but I have been with two other people. I think we need to see someone.

As much as you want to believe that there is nothing going on, please question why he wants an open marriage. My own heartbreak came 6 years ago when the girlfriend of my H approached me with a bag full of the romantic cards he had given her during their 2.5 year affair. You can imagine what this has done to me and to our marriage. Especially after I saw all the signs and asked no less than 7 times if there was some one else, only to have it denied every time. He is sorry for what he did, but it is too late. He will lose me over this. I have tried for 6 years to get back my love for him and it is lost. Please investigate your H's reasons for wanting "sexual freedom" before you are devastated as I was with the discovery of an affair.