I hope your trip is going well - i miss buggin ya everyday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

^bump

up

Thank God I'm home.

Details to come.

Thanks for thinking of me, Dorry.

I missed you bugging me, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(you don't really bug me)

Froz

Well, where to begin?

The trip wasn't great.

We took two days to drive on the way down. We stopped at a hotel the first night. Patriot and I did take a little bit of time to talk that night, although it was hard to sneak away from the family.

So, I began to play "Question and Answer" with him. Oddly (or not), some of the questions were questions I have asked before. I got different answers this time. It seems as though this is almost always the case, but I'll get back to that.

It wasn't fun talking about details, and the images make me just plain sick. It didn't set a very nice tone for the rest of the trip. It usually takes me a good week to digest (yuck) that stuff enough to function normally without anger or hurt clouding my judgement. Since our trip was a week long, it wasn't a lot of fun.

There were triggers everywhere...mostly in my imagination since all I really know is that Patriot and OW were there together in that city. It bothers me that he has said that Chicago is not a tainted city because nothing physical happened there. That isn't really the issue to me. It's the fact that he was there with her at all.

For so long I wanted to take a vacation with him. By the time we actually did, he had already been to FIVE different cities with her.

I tried my best not to LB on the trip. But the truth is, (back to the Q&A session) I am done with Recovery for a little while. Maybe I'll come back to it, and maybe I won't.

Recovery is hard. I am sick of working so hard and putting everything into it, only to find out he has lied again. Back to square one. Lying during Recovery was a deal-breaker. I'm still here, but I honestly don't have any desire to put anything into this.

Sometimes I feel kind of sorry for him because I know he is really trying. I guess that's why I'm still here, despite everything. I know he is trying. I told him I would allow room for mistakes. Lying was not one of them. He promised he would tell the truth. He hasn't.

I'm also not stupid enough (anymore) to think that I have caught him every time he has lied. If I have caught him in lies several times, then I am sure there are several more that I haven't.

I don't understand the dishonest behavior - not during Recovery.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS!!!!

What he says he wants and the way he acts are not matching up!

I feel very detached from him, and very sad, too.

It's bad enough that what I thought we had before wasn't real. To know that Recovery hasn't been real, either, is very sad to me. I feel like we are wasting our chances here and maybe we will soon run out of chances.

All these random thoughts are flying through my head:

Maybe he isn't capable of having an honest, close relationship.

Maybe I want too much.

Maybe it's already too late.

Maybe there is way more going on than I know.

Maybe we are simply incompatible.

Maybe I wonder too many things...

I feel very sad and very alone.

Froz, I'm Mr. NoAdviceMan, but for what it's worth...

there are ??? (a LOT) of people "out here" really caring about you, and your H. And hoping and praying for the best for both of you.

I hope it helps, in some little way, to be reminded of that.

ps. I do have advice.

Don't give up... ok?

tqt (aka Mr.Advice Man),

Of course it helps tremendously! I shudder to think where he or I would be if not for the support, advice, and information we've found here.

I'm not giving up.

I just don't know what to do next, so I am doing nothing for the moment. I kind of feel as though the ball is in his court now. Isn't it?

There is only so much I can do. If he is unwilling or unable to execute his portion of Recovery, how can we proceed?

There is only so much I can do. When I try to force it, I end up feeling resentful and that leads to negative behaviors on my part (which I have been participating in quite a bit lately).

So I have just decided to stop until I see a clearer path.

I have told him that I would like for him to be the leader in our marriage. I've also told him that I will offer input and if I don't like where he is leading us, I will plop down in the middle of the road until I feel safe to continue following him.

I don't like where he is leading us, so I'm not following. It feels as though he is leading us back to where we came from...a relationship where we pretend that everything is okay when it isn't.

I want something real. I don't want to skip over steps. I want to face them and work until we've mastered them. I want Radical Honesty. I want real intimacy. I want to be given the opportunity to see who he really is, so that I can show him what it feels like to be truly loved and accepted - for real this time, not based on some illusion.

Hugs Froz.

I don't think you are asking too much at all. I do keep praying that things will work out for you guys - I am an eternal optimist <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I think things will one day come together for you guys.

Miss ya

We are visiting my parents right now as Sprint has some work locally to get done, so i am not around as much online.