I'm new to these boards--been separated almost a year after husband walked out during an argument and never came back. He's been having an affair for more than three years with a OW on the opposite coast.

It's time to file for divorce, and I can't believe the insanity this is prompting. My county has a six-month backlog, so WAH said he got a lawyer and in filing in the county where he lives (in another state). But three weeks later, he refuses to tell me the lawyer's name or give me any other specifics of his filing.

Because the marriage was so full of lies, I now suspect that he's not really filing and is just saying he is. I don't know why he would do this. I would think his OW would be in a hurry to have him--she left her husband and broke up their family (2 kids) more than two years ago.

What words of wisdom can you share with me to get through this?

Thanks,
DIYer

Well, welcome to marriage builders. I don't know why, but your situation is very common. I have been going through this for 3 years. My husband has been living with OW all of this time.

I'm trying to file for divorce, but it has been a bit hard. I don't know where my husband lives - it is a "secret". I don't have a phone number for him. He refuses to meet with me about signing an agreement.

I am FINALLY getting to the point where we may be divorced in another year. But it was extremely difficult. I think it may be about control.

Can you contact the filing clerk in civil court or family court in the county where he resides, and have them check to see whether he really has filed?

Or, can you log on to the court site on-line and see if there is a way to verify that he has actually filed?

Believer:

I want to laugh (except it's too painful for us both), because my husband is doing the SAME thing. He left in the middle of an argument and won't tell me where he is. He wants me to serve him at his office so that I won't know where to find him. (As if I couldn't if I wanted to.)

The scary part is that this seems like a midlife crisis, and each and every one of these walk-away spouses thinks they are unique and experiencing something no one else ever has or ever will. It's so formulaic it's almost comical--except for the pain they leave in their wake.

I'm sorry to hear that your H is living with his OW. I believe my H's OW is on the other coast--he seems to make a lot of trips there. (I still get the occasional bill of his or phone records at my address, and there's always something that gives away that he's with her. He even seems to have developed a "code"--he frequently emails me that he spent a day off, a long weekend or an entire vacation "sick in the bathroom". Makes me wonder what they're doing in the bathroom. ;-)

I guess I'm going to just have to file myself and hope that it gets done sooner rather than later.

Yes, from what I've seen, the WS talks a big game, but frequently does not actually file, or at least takes a really long time doing it.

I believe that if he does file, you will know. I think all the states do require that the spouse receive some sort fo official notification before the divorce can proceed. You should be served with papers very shortly after he files.

A six-month backlog is not really that big of a deal, unless you're anxiously awaiting those papers with a new marriage license in hand and eager OP at your side. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If you really just want the divorce, then I would just file if I were you. If it turns out he did file first, I believe jurisdiction then just defaults to his filing, and yours would be canceled. If he's a major procrastinator, or for whatever reason he just isn't filing, yours will probably get through the system, even with a six-month backlog, long before he would ever get around to filing.

Hello DIYer and Believer,

I do not know where my husband lives either. And yes, he is always sick too... food poisoning, gastric, although he sounds chirpy as a bird.

Since there is no sign of him coming back to the marriage after two years' leave, I initiated a divorce of mutual consent this March. He did not sign it till end June. The lawyer is still waiting for him to pay the legal fees before the case is filed. It's been a whole month. A friend said it's control... I don't understand what's there to control though.

"WAH said he got a lawyer and in filing in the county where he lives (in another state)"

No, he's not. You cannot move to another state and file for a divorce. You must do this in the state in which the married couple was last domicled unless neither party lives there anymore. Why? Because different states have different divorce laws. For example, some states are equitable distribution states, while others are community property states. So if these sorts of restrictions weren't in place someone in a community property state could simply move to a equitable distribution state and file for divorce and vice versa.

Forget what he says. File for divorce yourself. So what if it takes six months? His little tramp will have to wait a bit longer.

Definitely file yourself. No way that he has--you would be "served" papers. Lots of states give you a faster divorce in the case of adultery. If he lives with the OW, you would get through the D faster, and he would have to prove where he lives. If it is with the OW it will be very bad for him in the court, and very good for you. Any attorney worth a grain of salt would tell him to stay away from the OW or at least to give the appearance of it. If you are truly ready for it to be over, then FILE! It is better for you if you file first too.

I just emailed my lawyer to say that I want to file next week (if at all possible). August 18 is the day after we are separated for one year.

I called my county's courthouse and found out that uncontested divorces are being scheduled for hearings in OCTOBER. Now I'm starting to wonder about this lawyer....

The reason I wanted the divorce sooner rather than waiting six months is that I changed my tax withholding to "Single" status, and it will cost me a small fortune if I have to file Married Filing Separately for 2005. Plus, the sooner we're divorced, the sooner I can drop him from my health and life insurance plans at work (and instead have a few extra dollars in my pocket!)

He's not living with OW--she's across the country, as far as I know. I have emails in which he admits the adultery, but I've been told by multiple lawyers that I would need a private investigator to document and testify that he's actually having sex with her. Who has the money for that?

About filing in another state: In the state to which STBX moved, you only have to be a resident there six months to file for divorce. There are no provisions about where the couple lived during the marriage. We're on a state boundary, so I'm sure there's a lot of this going on here.

I still welcome any additional advice about keeping my sanity while I wait for my divorce to become final.

DIYer

The tax rate for married, filing seperately is comparable to single, so don't let that bother you too much.

In my state, adultery is almost never used as grounds for divorce anymore. It's rather hard to prove and it must be proved to the court's satisfaction. Why go there is all you want is a divorce, since, as you point out it's expensive to get the evidence. With the uncontested no-fault divorce, it's over with nothing more than a brief court appearance and at minimal cost.

Talk to your lawyer about this state line thing. I really don't think he can do that unless you've flow the coup or something. The two states may have some sort of agreement.

Just to clarify a point...and I speak from experience here....

The date you file is somewhat irrelevant...it is who serves the papers to the other first. My WW filed on me in CA two months after moving out, but never served me papers. I filed in June after moving back to TX, and served her papers immediately. Once she found out that I was filing, she tried to serve me her CA papers. I got her served first, and the judge agreed that the proper venue was TX.

So the actual filing date is not the only factor.

Also, others are correct in suggesting you must be notified of the D - aka served - before it can proceed, regardless of where it is filed. The only way they can proceed without service is to demonstrate that you cannot be located, and show proof that they diligently tried to locate you. They also have to run an ad in a local newspaper.

TM

TravellinMan:

This is great information--thank you! I will follow up with my lawyer tomorrow when I see her to confirm this is the case in my state.

Question for all of you who have filed: When does the other spouse get served with divorce papers? Before or after the divorce complaint has been filed with the circuit court?

I appreciate any insight you can give me.

DIYer -

You file the papers, the court responds, then you have your spouse served...in many states if your spouse is willing, you can avoid actually paying a constable or sheriff to serve them...you just have to have a 3rd party over 18 give them the papers and they have to acknowledege reciept of them. Saves money and time, but only if your spouse is willing to go along with it...I knew my WW wouldn't be OK, so my attorney did it through a process server....


TM

Well, there appears to be progress. There are papers from his lawyer, and we have an appointment to meet with a notary tomorrow to get everything signed.

I hope that there's no more drama. I really can't take any more of that. This is proving to be really hard--even though it's been two years since I found out about the affair, even though we've been separated for a year, even though I turned a corner myself at the end of March and realized that I was getting nothing from this marraige and hadn't in a long time.

I didn't expect to be grieving so hard again.