I haven't been posting much on my situation, because nothing has really changed.

Today I was talking to one of my friends, who rents a house....she's having some financial problems, and she jokingly said "You should move into my basement"....well I said "I would have never mentioned it, but I have thought about it" she didn't think I'd seriously entertain the idea, but then she said "Well...it would help me".....so anyway, that's an option, to just move in with her, until the job situation and apartment search changes.

I would probably have to pay 1/2 the rent, not sure exactly, haven't gotten that far in the discussion.

If I do this I was thinking I would write a plan B letter to my husband (Not sure what to say...I could use some help in this area, since there is no longer an affair...etc), and move on a Monday or Friday, when he works 12 hours....I wasn't going to tell him my plans, he would just come home and I wouldn't be here, and neither would any of my things, just the letter I was going to leave him. I also don't plan on telling him right away where exactly I went......is that what I should do???

I am going to do this Plan B thing right this time, I am going to purchase a pre-paid cell phone for him to talk to DD10 on, and that's the only phone number he's getting.

Can anyone outline the details for me of what I should be doing in this sitch???

I would appreciate it.

-Caren

Anyone??? Need some guidance here.....

-Caren

TA.....sorry hon, we must have cross posted.

I want to write him a letter TA...(And my letters don't suck...LMAO). In the letter I'm not going to mention anything about the future....but I do want to leave a letter, explaining that I will not be having any contact, and that he can reach DD10 on the cell...etc.

I don't know how the letter should go....so that's part of why I am asking for input.

He is going to be in the dark, and I am hoping it just may shock him into reality.

And, btw.....I don't know that I am going to cooperate with this dissolution, if I get a better job, I may just contest the divorce, or I may just ignore the whole thing.

-Caren

Post deleted by TA

Caren,

Adjust the Plan B letter to reflect the current situation and then post it here so we can vet it. The rest sounds good.

In His arms.

My Dearest Mark:

I am so sorry that we have come to this place where you feel that our marriage must end. I am sure that you know that this is never what I wanted.

I have always loved you Mark, with all my heart. I have tried to show you this, I don't know that you could ever fully appreciate the depth of my love and commitment.

I have changed so many things over the past several months, but it seems that isn't enough for you to feel that you could ever be in love with me again. We are on our way to being divorced and it saddens me when I think back on all the beautiful times we had.

Our times were not all bad Mark, but unfortunately that's all you're able to remember.

I apologize for moving out while you were at work, but it's the only way I can handle this, I can't handle anymore goodbyes.

Once again, I have to ask you not to contact me, I need time to heal, to find out what I need to make me happy and whole again.

You can contact DD10 on the cellphone that I purchased. The number is xxx-xxxx. You can start picking her up every other weekend as you said you planned to do, starting 00/00/00. You can pick her up Friday night after work, and drop her off Sunday after work.

I will contact your lawyer and let them know how they can get ahold of me regarding the divorce.

I know that you wanted us to part friends, but I'm afraid that is impossible for me, I can't be just your friend Mark, it would be far too painful for me.

So it seems that our lives are now going in different directions. I need to separate myself from you, and move on with the rest of my life.

I am sorry to see something with so much potential die.

I hope that you find the happiness that you couldn't find with me and our marriage.

-Caren

Good enough Caren. But you have to mean it this time. You have to trust God on this one. You have to send this and then let go of being able to effect the outcome.

Can you do that?

In His arms.

Need to add a line that shows him the path back...what YOU will need to reconcile this M, and what you will need to begin discussions with him...

Also, because this is your 3rd time he REALLY won't believe you and will try THAT MUCH HARDER to break down your defenses.

What choice do I have?? I have to do it this time. It's blatantly obvious that I can't control the outcome, and that only God can help me out of this one, even if that means that I end up divorced, I can't go on living the way I have been.

I have prayed over and over that God would change his heart, and I believe that prayer has been answered, he does act quite loving to me the majority of the time. He is just dead set that getting a divorce is the only way to *fix* things. But I don't believe he knows what divorcing me will entail. I think he thinks he can still talk to me everyday, and *date* me, and come by for SF whenever he feels like it....but also have the freedom to not have anyone to answer to.

I also think that he thinks it will be like it was when we were separated before, that I will be sitting at home pining for him, and he would know where I was all the time.

I have to show him what divorcing me will really be like, that I am not going to sit around and wait for him to be done playing around, that I will go on with my life.

I *KNOW* what he'll think, he is going to think I want to be separate from him so that I can date.....I've known him too long, that will be his first thought, and I know that will eat at him.

My question is, if he does end up changing his mind, I have to have a set of things that he needs to do to show me that he's serious and not just having a momentary lapse of reason.....know what I mean?? I mean, I know it's going to be like last time, he's going to try to contact me all over the place to get his *fix*.......how do I know when it's not just needing his fix, when he's serious?? (I am fully aware this may never happen, and I will accept that).

He is officially off of his pedestal that I had him on, I know this because before I could only see the things I loved about him.....his blue eyes....etc. I am starting to see his *flaws*......I have to bail out or I won't have anything left if he ever does decide that he wants our marriage.

-Caren

Post deleted by TA

Caren - This is my response to a spouse that insists on a divorce to make things better and give things a new start - acting like he still wants a relationship with me...

TA, you sound very firm and confident - I have read Caren's thread but not everything and may not be familiar with everything that has happened. It is interesting how people here seem to think it is better off for her to move on, even though it appears Caren's H is obviously still attached to her. When do you decide enough is enough? TA, would you mind reading my thread (sorry mine is long too) and give me your opinion? My friends are telling me to move on like you are telling Caren, but sure they are not familiar with the MB techniques. Then again, I would like to know how you would view my situation....

Sorry for thread-jacking Caren!

Post deleted by TA

TA,

1) the last couple posts of yours (maybe more) have suggested that Caren's H is still in contact with OW.
If I'm mistaken, I apologize, but last I knew, Caren explicitly stated that her H was no longer in contact with the OW.
That would be a relevant piece of information, would it not?

2) In THIS context (MB; online discussion groups and forums), there are LOTS of different ways to offer "Advice" and "Support."
Caren (the person you're supporting/helping/advising???) quite obviously loves her H.
Trashing and berating the guy (the guy she's wanted back, and came HERE to help her do that) in the manner that you have, seems to me to be WAY over the line.

Are you trying to get Caren to not love her husband, or... ??????

Eliminate, as much as possible, the "emotional involvement" and you'll be better equipped to help her. There's a difference between compassion, empathy, concern, caring.... and "emotional involvement."

And Caren is not your baby sister.

Okay,,,,talked to my friend, she isn't moving (She wasn't sure she was still going to be living in her house...she was going to move to get her son away from friends that are a bad influence....but she wasn't moving out of Grove City...and these boys are 16...so they can drive wherever she lives).

So I have decided that in approximately 2 weeks, I am going to move my things to her basement.....I don't have much as I gave most of my things away when I moved into this house my husband rented (Not the house we lived in pre-separation...our landlord didn't pay the mortgage and that house was forclosed on).

I am going to leave the letter that I posted in this thread and I'm going dark, this is a last ditch effort.

TA, you deleted your posts before I got a chance to read them, but since other people read them and quoted from them I get the drift of what you were trying to say.

TA, a lot of people in my real life share your opinion....I don't happen to share it. I vowed to stay with this man for better or worse, I can only assume this is the worse.

This is it, he either snaps out of it, or he doesn't.....I believe he will. He has deluded himself into thinking that we are going to be friends and hang out and then get back togehter or something, I plan on showing him what life without Caren is really going to be like.

He relies on me for a great many things, a lot of those things he takes for granted. He relies on me for help dealing with utility companies......and where the soap aisle is located in the grocery store...etc. He does love me........and I'd even venture to say that he's actually *in love* with me......he just doesn't realize it yet. He has ZERO fear that he'll lose me.....I'm about to change all that.

To set the record straight.....THERE IS NO LONGER AN OW....THERE IS NO CONTACT. And when he was having a relationship with the OW, we were separated.....Yes, I had sex with him, knowing that he was seeing her......but HE'S MY HUSBAND, I wasn't the one in the wrong by sleeping with him.....it was HER. So it wasn't that he went and saw the OW and then came home and slept with me......WE WEREN'T living together....and I was PLAN Aing.

TA, I know that you think you are protecting me, and I understand why you feel the way you do about my husband. But he's not a loser, he does what he can.....he's not even a high school graduate, so he doesn't have much opportunity to get a better paying job. He will be paying close to 300 dollars in child support, and he know's this. That will leave him with about 80.00 per week after rent to buy groceries, pay utilities, gas for his car....and whatever else. He's gonna be a peanut butter sandwich eating mother f-er.

I saw a lawyer Friday, and he said that he can't remove me from the house.....like he said, he said that would require an eviction, and no judge is going to evict a mother and her children, but all that would do would breed more discontent around here.....and since we rent this house, I'm not really too pressed about moving out of it. It was HIS house that he moved into while we were separated, it is a house that he had his OW at, I sleep in the bed that I'm certain they had sex in.......there is no love lost between me and this house.

He doesn't know that I am not signing the dissolution papers, the lawyer advised me to go by the office, pick up a copy of the paperwork and tell them I want to review it (to stall) and then refuse to sign it.

I'm not going to do any of this until I'm out of here.....so if he still wants to divorce me, it's going to be just that a divorce.....which will again use up more of his 1200.00 retainer. The lawyer I spoke to said he would cut his retainer in 1/2 for me......that it would be 750.00 and that he would also cut his rate to 100.00 per hour.

He said if my husband chooses to pursue the divorce I have 30ish days to answer the complaint.......and hopefully I'll be able to save up the retainer, or at least come up with 1/2 of it, and I will contest it. I will slow the divorce to a crawl, all the while, staying dark.

I am not going to willingly cooperate in the destruction of something that God has joined together........does that make sense????? I will fight for my marriage until the bitter end.

And BTW, I don't believe for 1 second that "GOD wants me to leave this loser" TA.......

-Caren

Oh, and on a side note, I worked last night from 5 to around 10:45pm, so I dropped off DD10 at my husband's work about 4:30, and asked if he had any money as I was out of cigarettes and hadn't eaten anything, he said "No, you should've called so I could've gone to the ATM" so he said "Here, you can have my cigarettes" So I left and went to work, then when I got home he'd bought me a Healthy Choice French Bread pizza (Which I fricken love) and also bought me a bouquet of flowers. Why would someone who is divorcing me buy me flowers??? WEIRD

^BUMP^

Not wierd. Why? Because he knows that something is up. He can sense it. The force is strong in this one.

Caren, you sound stronger now than your last try at plan B.

I suspect you can pull it off, *if* you truly understand plan B.

Please consider re-reading: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
Here is something from that page:

Emphasis and editorial mine.

When you broke plan B last time, I could hear the collective MB heart break for you. It was like a million voices, all crying out at once... Plan B, properly executed, will end this horrible dance for you one way or the other, and will leave you much better off personally.

Caren,

You have mail....