How much should someone take before saying, that's it I quit?
I've posted my story here and have received a lot of very valuable information, but today I am posting from my new home. I just couldn't stand another minute in the house with my WH. Did I do the right thing? Everyday this past week I ask myself this. I've canceled 2 counceling sessions because when WH had his first affair, we went to couples & individual therepy, it didn't help us or me at all. In fact one theripist told me "he will probabaly do it again. And oh how right he was.

I dug out the journal I wrote almost 10 yrs ago for the first time & relived that last tragic event which lasted 2 yrs. I documented everything, my thoughts, feelings, things he told me back then, all the letters we wrote each other, all the horrific details. How I loved him so much even though he told me back then he didn't love me like a wife, he loved the OW. I worked him pretty good back then to win back his love for me, which although I had major trust issues I tried very hard to make him happy. And up to a couple months ago never never in a million yrs though I would ever have to experience this pain again.

He's been the model husband. Kind loving to me. Always telling me "ILY" Supporting me in my work, hobbies etc.

He is one of those guys who would do anything for anyone, always likes to have a good time, everyones friend, a very loving kind man, a true social butterfly. But one with a serious drinking problem. Every evening he would get inebriated to the point of slurring his speech, walking funny..etc etc. I have nagged & nagged at him for years about this, he knew how I felt & would say, I will cut down blahblahblah. He would for a couple days, then go back.

I got to the point where I would keep myself busy in the evenings, wait till he went to bed and was asleep before I would go in because I couldn't handle his drunk talk. I mean the man would never shut up! Trying to watch a show with him in the room was nearly impossible as he would go on and on about what ever popped into his head. Now i am not a saint myself, I like to have my cocktails also, but in moderation. I've lived with this for 15+ years (married 24). It was just my normal life with him.

When I started suspecting that something was going on with him, and confronted him. He explained they were only friends. Since I was hurt once before, I didn't believe him. And all the signs were there that It was an EA. And I expressed how I felt that he pulls this crap on me when he is sober as both A's have been with co-workers. I would probably feel better if he pulled this while he was drunk.

He has never stopped professing his love for me, he about had me convinced that maybe she is just a friend and that I should try to relax. I had it in my head, that how could a man treat me so well and be having an A? Even though I still kept reading my books, telling him that I still had concerns, needed to work things out in my head. Untill I found the letter.....

When I confronted him this time, he says...well I don't think things have been good in our marriage for the past couple yrs. I was flabergasted, weeks ago, when I first had my suspisions, I gave him every opportunity to tell me if there was something wrong in our marriage, if I was doing something wrong. He repeatedly told me, no I love you and only you....I feel like I have been conned.

He never tells me anything until I "bust him" on something. When I looked back at my journal...It was the same way back then. History repeating itself. I have not talked to him since I moved out, and he has not tried to contact me. He never even asked where I moved to. All of this from a man who 2 weeks ago swore he loved me and only me.

I don't think there is anything at this point that would make me trust him again. The OW is still at work with him, which I also work for the same company and 2 of her sisters work for me. Even though I now live somewhere else, It still is in my face every day at work.

I think If I worked him again, he would probably want to stay with me in our marriage, but the trust is no longer there, and I don't think I can ever look him in the eyes again and believe a word he says.

Am I being to stubborn about this?, in my haste to get out of the house? What would you do? I have not filed for a seperation or anything yet. I just feel so betrayed over and over again.

BW (me) 43
WH 45
2 beautiful grown children
D-Day's 1-95, 6/2005

I'm sorry I don't know if I can help you but I wanted you to know I took the time and read your post and can see your deep deep hurt. There is more involved than simple affair and betrayel (are they ever simple?), there is an addiction and serious dysfunction at roost.

I'm working through my own issues right now and its tough. Can you go to a support group such as Al-anon? Go to a church for counsel? or your own individual council? If you don't get help you may not resolve this within yourself. you were also half the marriage and you will need to identify what you have done wrong so you can fix it and be healthy and whole with him or without him. You owe it to yourself to take care of your own inner wounds.

God bless you in your journey.

Hi -

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Many here have gone through 2 affairs with their WS. I hope they post to you and can give you some guidance. I could imagine how devastated you must feel going through the last couple of years believing that your M was fine - I think that the WS use that line "I have been unhappy for years." to justify their A. It's a bunch of crap.

It does sound like he needs to seek help for the drinking though.....

I had the same reaction as you when I found out my WH's A. I wanted to pack up & leave, but you know what? YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO IS HAVING THE A. My sister gave me great advice & told me to stay at my home. I should not be the one who had to relocate & uproot my child. If the WS wanted to have an A, then the WS can leave if they so choose.

JMO if it counts for anything...Hope the more experienced can help you along!

Blessings,

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 5
in NC stage
Married 13 years

MarriedinMN, first off, I am very sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. I would suggest moving back home because you should not be the one to leave since he is the one who had an affair. Moving out also harms you in any legal action because it is viewed as abandonment. Leaving your home only enables him to carry on his affair frm the comfort of his home.

Secondly, I would expose his affair. I would expose to her family, your family and his family. Expose to any close friends or anyone else you think is influencial in his life. If the OW is married, I would expose to her H. Do this all in fell swoop on the same day if you can.

The next thing I would do is get to Alanon. Your H sounds like an alcoholic and a serial cheater to me. Unforunately, Marriage Builders principles have no effect on either. Our Plan A is the worst thing you can do in such a situation, because an alcoholic only uses it as an opportunity to further exploit and abuse you.

Thanks again for all the great advice. I tried the MB plan A-B concepts & you were right, it didn't go well for us.

The reason I moved out instead of kicking his butt out the door is due to a lot of daily maintenance of our home, that I didn't think I could keep up with myself, I could barely take care of myself on a daily basis with all my emotional problems over this whole thing. But getting in trouble for abandonment??
Do I need to do something, file for separation to protect myself until I decide where our marriage is going?

I still need to expose his A. I have only told a very select few, but I think word will spread quickly. Telling people about this makes me feel so ashamed. I know I had to have played a part in this mess, but if someone dosn't tell you what you are doing wrong, I guess you can't fix it. And to tell you the truth I sometimes I wonder if I even want to try anymore.

Life can sometimes be such a *&$%#