Hello everyone, this is my first time here, here is my story:
I have been separated for 3 ½ months now because my husband and I were not getting along very well. We have been married for a little over 11 years, I am a domestic engineer (homemaker), and we have 5 children, ages 6 months to 8 yrs old. May of 2004, the day after Mother’s Day to be exact, I found out that my husband slept with one of his students; besides his full time job he also teaches boxing. Well according to the both of them, he could not finish the sexual intercourse, he stopped in the middle of it. Well since he couldn’t go through with it and since I found out that I was pregnant then with our 5th child I chose to forgive him and not take everything (home, kids, part of his business, finances) away from him and give him another chance, clearly stating that the first time was a mistake and everyone makes mistakes but the next time would be intentional and that I would not hesitate to take everything away from him through a divorce. Well I told him that even though we were separated that we were still married and that I considered sleeping around a no-no. He agreed. Well after being separated for a little over a month, on Memorial Day he decided that he wanted to give our marriage another try. I had an awful feeling and knew something wasn’t right. Well 10 days after we decided to give our marriage he started with the usual signs/talk of a cheater, “I just need more time to move back in”, “be patient with me because I am trying to be the man of your dreams” oh and making sure he tells me that he hasn’t sleep with anyone since our separation. He became very distant during this time and was actually going out of town, something that was planned before we got back together. Well we would call from out of town and tell me that he loved me but when he returned he did not come to see me. I called only to find out he had made it back in town okay and I discovered that he had taken the next day off of work by accident. I asked him did he miss me and why did he not come to see me or the kids he said he had a lot to do. Well a couple of days after that he told me that we were moving to fast-to fast we are married I told him but he had no response. So I started investigating the cell phone records and even started spying on him at his apartment to see who was coming and going. Found out that he uses a couple of his male friends to call his girlfriend so her number would not show up on the record (this is how I found out about his first affair). Well he became very cold and inconsiderate, mentioned that he did not love me anymore and that he wanted a divorce. Then I knew something was wrong. I asked him if he was in love with someone else and he denied it-said there was no one else. Never saw anyone come or go from his apartment but on July 4, when he came to get the kids and dropped them off at home, my 7 yr old daughter cried and asked him to say the night but he said he couldn’t and then left her there crying for me handle it. Well that was unacceptable to me so I loaded the kids and we went to his apartment. He was not there but we stayed in the parking lot until 5am (the kids slept the whole time), when he decides to come home. Well I got out of the car and he was shocked to see me because he knew he was busted smelling like perfume. I said no more lies and no more games just tell me the truth and we can get on with the divorce and I will have closure, of course, he denied it. The next day a friend and I followed him but lost him. I have no solid proof except for the fact that he told me on July 19 that he had a recent sexual encounter and that he does not love her, he has changed the password to the cell phone bill and won’t give it to me and when I call the customer service they tell me that they have specific instructions to only talk to the account holder, I spy on him at his apartment and he does not come home until 4-5 in the morning 3 days a week. He tells everyone that he is losing his family because I am divorcing him yet he has yet to file for a divorce when he said he would back in July. He has not seen the kids in over three weeks-very unlike him he has never went this long without any contact with them, left me a email saying that he was trying to get me money and he said that it was really hard for him to talk to me right now. I told his family everything because he has been lying to them, borrowing money from them and making me out to be the bad guy. The have not told him that they know yet. I am committing in not calling or contacting him. I had to go apply for state help (Food Stamps, Temporary Aid, and WIC) just to feed my children since he doesn’t seem to care if they ate or not, his family and my family has helped me out also. I found out that that state will go after him for child support in a couple of months, maybe that will be his wakeup call since he thinks he doesn’t have the money now to give to me. I just need to find out how to get solid proof for my peace of mind and to know that I am not crazy. Every time I have gone to him he has said that it was a one time thing and that he has no feelings for this person whom he had “a recent sexual encounter with”. I tell him that all he has to do is admit the truth and then we both can move on, he says what does it matter now we are getting divorced, and I told you that I don’t love you and I want you to leave me alone but he has yet to file. How long do I wait and any ideas on how to get solid proof where he can’t deny it.

Should I stick it out and work on saving my marriage? single choice
	Stay
	Go
Votes accepted starting: 08/10/05 08:58 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

I think you can pretty much figure he is having an affair. It is probably with one of his students again.

The best thing is to start in Plan A. You can read all about it here. Also, I would have someone else follow him after his class. He is obviously staying overnight with some woman somewhere.

Thanks for your input, I just received his company cc bill and what do ya know he stayed at a hotel in the area where I suspect his girlfriend lives. How stupid of him to use his company cc to pay for it he could get fired. Also why wouldn't he take her to his apartment or why don't they just stay over her house like they have been doing, hum the plot thickens. Also why do you think that he is not admitting the truth to me.

He is not admitting the truth to you because 99% of WS's don't. It is really hard for him to talk to you because he knows that he is lying and cheating.

They are usually very dumb with keeping things hidden. My WH charged hotel rooms to OUR credit card. He always took care of the bills. One day, I opened them, and there were the charges - 4 in one month, during the hours he was supposed to be at work.

When I confronted him, he said he went to the hotel (in the middle of the day, in our hometown) to think. Yeah right.

You might want to jump over to general questions where there are a ton of women going through exactly the same thing.

May I ask, at this point, why you need anymore proof? Closure or not. Do you really want to carry on with this type of person?

Don't continue wasting your energy, you already know. I wouldn't suggest (or let him know) any of your "game plans", meaning, going through the state for money. He can quit and be a deadbeat Dad even more so. Work with him for your children's sake.

I wanted the proof so I can expose it(the A). I have 5 kids with this man and I wanted to save the marriage mostly for them and because I do still love him. I am not letting him know anything about what I have done as far as the state and I am hoping that he will contact the kids soon because they don't deserve any of this. I have never kept him from his kids-he just can't handle being with them now because of his guilt with all the lying and cheating-like he can't even talk to me right now.

This weekend I did it, I rented a car and followed my H. I caught him at his apartment with the OW. After I drove pass to let him know that I saw him, I drove back to confront him but he had already taken her up to the apartment. He came down to act as if he was getting somthing out of the car and he of course starting going through the same speech; I don't love you anymore, we're getting a divorce,blah, blah, blah. I snatched the gold chain off from around his neck that she gave him and left. Later that evening I went back to his apartment and saw them again getting out of the car, well this time I said to her "hi, girlfriend, I'm Tony's wife, he hurried and rushed her up to the apartment. He proceeded to call the police on me, so in that moment I asked so you are choosing her over your family-he said I guess so. So I left. Well I thought as "believer" suggested that it might be another one of his students so I called someone who is one of his students-who is on my side-and described the OW and she said it sounded just like the mother od on of his 11 year old students who is also married but her H is out of town with a new job where she is suppose to join him in Nov. So I went down to his class last night to see if it was her and sure enough it was-she had started taking boxing lessons also. I confronted her and said remember from last night, she layed dumb of course and eventually said the I wasn't her it was a another woman that looked just like her named Wanda. Sh said yeah I know he is cheating b/c I meet her at my sons last tournament. I knew she was lying because how can I ever forget the OW face. Well of course my H called right after I left to make threats that if I came back down there he would have my arrested and that the divorce papers were on the way. I told him if you do then I will call USA Boxing, and the company that you are under contracts with and tell them that you have sleep with two students and one I have a sworn statement from and that it is a sexual harrassment suit waiting to happen not to mention the ethical(coach/student) issues at hand. Also I told him that I hope he has filed for the divorce so I won't have to deal with him anymore since I can't depend on him to pay the bills and take care of the children, I can then file for Temporary child and spousal support that way I will have plent of money to take care of the bills and know that they are paid. I told him that if wanted to play this game we can but he will lose, I have nothing to lose but he has everything to lose so bring it on. I call also to tell him that in my conversation with the OW the she was worryng about saving her own marriage by hiding her identity and claiming that he was cheating no care about ruining his life & marriage and if he wanted to continut the relationship knowing that then he was a fool. I would love to have been a fly on the wall last night when H and OW were doing "inventory control", I would love to know what was said and if they decide to kep the relationship going. I don't think that OW is willing to risk her H finding out so I believe that she probably will end it with my H b/c of the way she was trying to protect herself last night when I confronted her. I would also love to know what my H is thinking right now since I had not heard from him yet. Anyone have any advice or me now? Would love to hear it. Thanks in advance.

Lashell,

You have got to tell the OW's H!! He has got to know what kind of skank he is married to!

Why can't you file?

k

Hey krusht, thanks for the response. I am debating on telling the OW H about this b/c I heard alot of bad things about this man and I fear for my WH life. After all, he is the father of my children. And about filing, I'm really not sure if I want to give up on my M yet.