In many of my posts everyone mentions my WS is going through withdrawal syndrome, ok great. What is the usual time frame and what can I expect?

This may help you. Withdrawal

Does anyone know what FWS means it not in the acronym list?

I think it is Former Wayward Spouse.

Thanks 2dogmom,

Is there anything I can help you with?

Hi HLR,

Regarding your question...

"What is the usual time frame and what can I expect?"

There are many aspects to consider.
I've been told it depends on the length of the A. How often "meetings" occured a week, how deep the feelings were into the A, and if there was any SF involved.

I may not be saying this right, but there might be other things to cope with too... Grief, Sense of Loss

I've discovered, my WD's are not bad be I do show signs of Grief... which is a response to a loss of something or someone... Which is still hard but I understand it's a bit of a quicker recovery period.

There are phases to look for...

1. Denial, Numbness, Shock
2. Bargaining
3. Depression
4. Anger (which is where I'm at right now)
5. Acceptance

Here are some tips:

Allow time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to self.

Acknowledge and accept all feelings, both good and bad.

Use a journal to document the healing process.

Confide in a trusted individual

Express feelings openly. Crying offers a release.

Get closure

If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, seek professional help.


Hope this helps...
Undo

I just saw this link from SUzett HLR, I think this will help you and your W... Suzett's Post

Undo

As far as her A:

She has known him for 1½ years; the PA was from December of 2004 until March of 2005, with an intimate occurrence happening once each month. D-day was June 25 2005 when I found a text message she sent to him saying I Love you baby! She than confessed to the whole thing stating she fell in love with him, never planned it, said I’m sorry and would move out of the house.

It was a gut wrenching experience and I drove everywhere and nowhere my W, called on me several time to ask how I was doing. I was thinking of just driving away and never stopping my fairytale life just ended!

I started to think of my life with out my W and was actually more saddened and I started to think of how many times my W and I told each other we would be there for each other no matter what!

I stopped and bought my wife flowers and retuned home that evening, I was crying and told her this was one of the worst experiences in my life and the only thing that could make it get worse is my life without her! We both cried, hugged and kissed. She told me she was sorry for not using her fuc*ing head and loved me! She said I have always loved you, the A wasn’t about you, it was about feeling I developed for him. I asked her what she wanted and she responded with I am your W, not his!

That was my D-day

HLR~

Just thought I chime in here with my theory about withdrawal...IMO, the feelings of withdrawal are not about the OP, but about the "feelings" felt during the A. In other words, at least for me, I don't miss the OM, I just miss the way I felt about myself during that time..."fantasyland". Who doesn't miss the feelings from "vacation"...I mean, a week in Tahiti, for instance, is always more enticing than real life. While in my A, I liked feeling desired, admired, young, independant, etc., without all the problems of real life(so immature and unrealistic, I know ). My husband and I are now at the point of trying to meet the EN's of the other, and on the days that we get it right, my feelings of withdrawal are non-existent. I was definitely not meeting my H's needs either, I now know! I am not justifying my A by saying that my needs to feel those feelings were the cause of it...I WAS SO DEAD WRONG in my choice of trying to "fix" what was wrong in my marriage by creating an even bigger problem...Oh how I wish I had that clarity back then...Hindsight is a real B*%#@...I just thought it might help you to know that many times the OP is not what the WS is withdrawing from...Working on meeting each other's needs may minimize the withdrawal time. Good Luck in your quest.

Mrs. Wondering

Before D-day, my WW told me she wants to feel like she did when we were dating. That sounds very much like what you are saying. They seem to be enamoured with the fantasy more than the OP.

Yes, the fantasy is the most intoxicating part, that's why exposure is so effective, it extinguishes the flames that fuel the fantasy...Talk about cold water in the face...whew!

But exposure doesn't always work to do that. Exposure to WH family only gave him support to do what he wanted or "felt" was right. The last thing we are getting from them is encouragement to keep trying. Instead WH hears from them that he should call the OW if he is that miserable and he should bring OW around. This from a family that likes me.

My wife actually stated that it would be nice to have more independence about a couple of weeks before d-day.

I have asked my W, many times to explain some things, she told me she would rather not because she knew they would hurt me. I told her if she expected me to get closure and move on it would be helpful if she could answer some of my questions.

I asked why she had sex with him?

She also told me that she liked the way the OM made her feel about her self, she said the sex was just an expression of the level of their relationship. I was falling in love with him, not out of love with you.

I asked if it was a fantasy and she told me no but is sex ever bad?

HLR~

Telling you it's not a fantasy is just "fog talk"...she may not even yet realize it's a fantasy herself...affairs are not reality, so how can anything that exists within them be real? Think back to how sex with your wife was when it was new...I'm sure that you were both completely "ga-ga" too...you can bet that even though she may think/say that sex with OM is/was great, you know her body better than the OM does...try to recreate moments from your romantic past with her(mood music, special restaurants, etc.)...romance coupled with true love and expertise is your reality and fantasy can't touch that...ever...the OM cannot begin to compare to the real thing!

Mrs. Wondering

Thank you Ms Wondering,

My W has only read some of Dr. Harleys stuff that I asked her to read, she claimed it was very hard for her to read, because everything makes her feel bad and reminder that she the cause of all of the pain. But she said that Dr. Harley said that most A only last less than 2 years and die before they are discovered, she said hers was dying and didn’t think she would have slept with him again, although she did admit she still loved him but came to realize she was in-love with me, her H!

I have been giving my WS love cards and notes over the last couple weeks and yesterday, I placed a note on her changing mirror that stated:

[Because of how special you have made me feel, I would like you to pick a romantic I love you coupon… to be redeemed any time you would like over the next week.

I think making it sort of a lottery puts a little intrigue and suspense in it! If you find this experiment fun, I might find more excuses for you to earn another love coupon.

But you won’t need an excuse to win my LOVE…]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When she got into the bedroom, she said, what is with all of the cards and notes on the mirror all of the time? I replied “it’s an experiment and I thought it might be fun!” She continued “Well it just doesn’t seem right, you seem to be pushing too hard, I want you to just be yourself.” “I than reminder her, don’t you think these are all things I would normally do? Haven’t I always tried to interject a little fun…As for your romantic coupon, you can decide, to take one and if you want to use it, if you find it fun, tell me, if you don’t tell me that to, like I said its an experiment to interject a little fun and romance, you decide.

I’m curious to see if she’ll use one of the coupons.

And my question to other FWS is what do you think of this situation?

HLRomantic, after reading your last post it seems you have to ‘back off’ a bit. It seems your W experiences you as ‘too pushy/clingy/needy’ at this point. And this might also be the reason she haven’t yet reacted on your letter. You don’t need to do all the work… If your W is really committed to you and this M, she must also put some effort into this… I’m concerned about the fact that she doesn’t seem so willing to do that... I don’t know, but I think it might be a good idea for you to practice some of the guidelines on this 180 degree list for a while (just click on the link). This is just a suggestion. I don’t want to give you wrong advice, so hopefully others will jump in soon to give their opinions on this as well.

Suzet,

Are you referring to my letter on how to make our\my marriage special again that I posted in: How to make my marriage special again?
Infidelity >> Plan A/Plan B

Are you also suggesting it is time for me to do more than back off, the D Busting document suggest a 180 degree turn…Is 50 days post d-day the right time to implement it? Could there be harmful backlashes, i.e. my W, thinks I’m no longer interested and she pulls away?

Yes, I’m referring to that letter. I think it was a wonderful letter (I've already said this to you on my response on your other thread yesterday), but after I've read this thread, I get the idea that from your W’s reactions, she might experience you as being too needy/clinging on this point. I don’t say you must stop doing these things altogether…just calm down a bit and take things slower...also give her a chance to do things and make some efforts from her side as well.

I think if you implement the 180 degree wrongly and not appropriately and accroding to your individual situation, it can have backlashes. But that’s why I’ve said you can start to implement some of the things on those list and not ALL of them. It’s up to you to assess the situation and decide which ones of those on the list will give you the desired outcome. The whole idea of that list is to change behavior which currently doesn’t work for you. You must try to find a middle ground – don’t act clingy/pushy/needy, but also don’t act in such a way that your W will get the idea that you’re not interested at all… If you start noticing that your W shows interest, you can give more attention from your side as well.

To try and help you, I’ve looked through the 180 degree list and I think the following are the most important on the list which might apply to your situation. I’ve made some changes to some of the things (in italic):

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. Not too frequent phone calls.
4. Do not follow her around the house in such a way that you appear needy/clingy.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
11. Do not be the first one to say "I Love You" all the time – give her chance to say this as well.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. - enthustiatically & friendly invite her along where you can - if she denies, continue with your plans.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
24. Be patient.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

Hope this will help,
Suzet

Thanks Suzet,

I do have a couple of more questions:

My wife has recently asked me to call her at a some what specific time, for example I have a lunch meeting today and she asked me to call her afterwards on my way home? Should I forget to call or call her later or just call her after the lunch?

What about being intimate, this is usually only done when I start to be romantic with her be caressing her etc. Should I wait for her to pursue me? That might mean we go with out sex for awhile?

Thank you again, for all of the help you have been providing!!!