good lord with the exception of the screaming and the threat to pack her bags, this could be me.

She said “ya you think your so great and just full of your self, your not their for ME! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME, YOU JUST KEEP CRITAZING ME!”
I think ww used the same line the other night.

WS started screaming “I CAN”T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!” You checking up on everything I’m doing! This isn’t going to work, we need to split…”

This has come up more than once, too. How in the world are we supposed to get through to them, get through the fog? like we are interested in spending our days and nights checking up on them. I think they have no earthly idea what we as BS are going through.

Again...it's called ACCOUNTABILITY.

And she obviously wants no part of it, simly because she's not ready yet to be honest with you. I note that she never DID tell you what she was doing today, did she?

It sounds like the affair isn't over yet. She told you in that conversation that she's a "bad person", etc...seems to me like she was almost admitting that she was doing something wrong today.

Don't respond to her anger. When she threatens and shouts and such, simply get quieter. It's one of the few tactics that tends to work with my wife when she gets angry...the louder she gets, the quieter I get with my responses. It forces her to stop and LISTEN...you might give that a try. But...don't enable her affair either. By NOT holding her accountable for where she's going to be today, I think you're still letting her go do what she wants to do.

Hang in there...it's NOT a fun ride.

Can I make a crazy suggestion? Instead of arguing and trying to reason with a crazy person who is in the throes of an affair, why not just try and do things to hasten the end of the affair?

Such as exposure?

As you can see, your conflict avoiding is causing much more conflict than if you just faced the conflict head on and exposed the affair. This can go on forever at this rate. She has no reason to end the affair since she knows you will do nothing about it but whine. And she can shut up your whining real easy with a good temper tantrum. Works every time!

Confucious say: don't try to reason with a person who uses no reason.

"Conflict avoidance does only one thing. Causes more conflict." Patriot92

We have never had an episode like this!

I’m thinking of spending the night away, I think I’ll give her some time to reflect…I’m not going to return any of her calls…I’m just going to go away and see what tomorrow brings.

HLR, maybe you could concentrate on finding out the OMW's phone # so you can call and expose to her? If you leave your home, you will just reward her for being a bully.

This is the most hurt I have been since D-Day

I think she lying, so I’m writing a plan B letter!

HLR, I am sorry you are hurt. But can I suggest you hold off on Plan B and concentrate instead on ending the affair? CAlling the OMW would probably make a huge dent in the affair.

Also, your situation does not really call for Plan B. It needs to be done thoughtfully and deliberately, not as a result of a fight. Please just hang tight, my friend.

Update,

My WS came home due to a time of the month problem. She told me she was sorry for her comments, but what I said hurt her and she doesn’t feel she can TRUST me right now! OHCH!

She told me do you honestly think I have had the opportunity to see him? You know where I have been every moment of every day and it hurts me that you don’t trust me and when you do this I don’t trust you to tell you things. I told her that’s not fair, maybe I did let the taker in me control this and I should have came to you and told you what was bothering me and why, kind of what I have been telling you to do for me.

She said “please do, I have been completely honest with you and have done what you have asked, we DO NOT SEE EACH OTHER AND I WONT SEE HIM, ITS TOTALLY OVER!” She continued with “We have been accomplishing so much I don’t want to ruin it.”

When I got to the office, I checked my calendar and it said Out of Office meeting, you didn’t see the meeting. It also had an invite with our president for our downtown location, which I excused myself from, Thank you very much…

Opps.

Boy did I make a mess out off nothing.

HLR,

Don’t let your taker control you!

Sorry for all of the color in my original quest for help, that was one of the reasons I was thinking of leaving, my W has never talked that way to me. Heck last night she said G-damit and said she was sorry, because she knows I fell certain type of swearing is just a matter of will power and there is no good excuse for using them!

I also think that’s way she felt the need to see me, maybe we pushed things to far…at least I hope so.

Thanks all for letting me vent this morning.

HLR, you should be asking yourself why she gets so angry when you check up on her. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide and don't mind AT ALL accounting for their whereabouts. She minds......VERY MUCH, and will even go so far to throw a tantrum to bully you into shutting up. And lucky for her, it's working!

She is hiding something, HLR.

HLR,

Again I concur with the very wise Melody...

INSPECT what you EXPECT...something's going on here, WSes go on the offensive to provide themselves with a smoke screen to hide behind...do some intel HLR!

And, on your other thread you told Suzet that you were looking for information other than the article that she provided you with on WS withdrawal, because you said that your wife didn't fit with what she provided...so, HLR, the logical jump here is that your wife does not fit the profile set forth in the article because she IS NOT in withdrawal, she IS IN an ongoing affair...don't believe me? Then prove me wrong by accepting the challenge to take my above advice...What have you got to lose? Oh, that's right, your Wife...are you going to sit idly by and let that happen or are you going to take a vested interest in the future of your marriage and do the legwork?

Mrs. Wondering

Mrs. W is right, she is not in withdrawal, HLR.

Here is my expierence with withdrawal. (Go to message 2791132 (hit CTRL + F then type the number in).

HLR, In my opinion you are in a fog just as much as your WS is. She is still knee-deep in her affair but you are completely in denial about that. The rest of us can see screaming red flags a mile away.

She got furious and started cussing you out for one reason and one reason only: Because you caught her in a lie.

Liars always get furious when they are BUSTED.

Haven't you noticed that every time you start to get close to the truth, that's when she goes ballistic and scares you into backing down?

Women do not respect men who allow themselves to be bullied -- and your WS is bullying you to no end.

If you want to do something about this and protect your marriage, then please listen to Melody Lane and the others. You will have to "man up" and stop letting your wife frighten you. She's already screwed another guy and probably still IS screwing him. How much worse can it get???

Sorry to be so crude, but something had better get your attention here because if it doesn't you are going to go right on playing second fiddle to another man. Believe me, your wife will be more than happy to let you do exactly that.

Please listen to ML and Suzet!
Mulan

HLR~

I copied and pasted this from an article on this site entitled, "Coping With Infidelity Part II: How Affairs Should End"...it should sound very familiar to you...


"One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?"



***I think that Mulan has hit it right on the nose when she tells you to "man up"...tonight at dinner I just said basically the same thing to my husband regarding your situation...women like masculine men, stand up and fight for your marriage...then one day you can be her hero, not her whipping boy!***

Mrs. Wondering

Thanks Everyone,

First off let me tell everyone that I should have known my wife was going to get emotional, she is currently experiencing her women’s TOM. At this time she gets unbelievably emotional about everything and almost anything I do magnifies it.

I have been working on a few plans and would prefer she didn’t know they came from me. I have been encouraging her to come to this sight and when she does it’s just a matter of time before she figures out who I am. Some of these comments are going to be edited in the near future.

Next one of the reasons I wanted so much information on withdrawal is because that is what my wife does when she gets upset! I have never seen her so distant but still close at times, its very strange but the more I read the more I think that’s her way of coping.

Last night I was working on my 180 degree plan A, so when we went to bed, we normally give each other a passionate kiss good night and say I love you, good night before going to sleep. Instead I said nothing and when she said “good night”, I replied “good night”, there was silence for about ten minutes when my wife said “are you awake?

To which I said “Yes”

She said “I just feel sick and my back is sore.”

I said “would you like a back rub?”

She said “No I not sure that would help….. you know you really don’t make me feel special!

I asked her “what brought that on? I love you very much and have been working very hard on our M. Roll over and I’ll give you a back rub.

She did and said “I just can’t stand it, I ruined your life!”

I told her “You didn’t ruin my life. You changed it and I have spent way to much time dwelling on the past, now I’m moving on…I’m focused on the future and think you should start doing the same.”

The 180 degree plan A, still seems weird, all the articles state how much she needs love and understanding right now, which I do, but I also don’t say it until she says something and I think it confuses her more.

I too love my Wife and desperately want to do what’s right!

What if it’s not my WS that is creating the current problems, maybe its me? I asked my W, some more questions this weekend and she asked why do you keep asking the same questions, when it makes me so sad? You would think that if I tell you its over and I’m not going to see him that should ended it but you keep coming up with something to remind me of the pain I caused.