WW and I are trying to recover. Our finances at this time are trashed so we are unable to get the books for a few more weeks. My question is this: What is the best way to approach WW about me wanting to know details of her EA. We have talked about it but there are details that are left out and my mind goes bezerk when I think about it. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I want to know all the details but then my mind starts racing and I don't think that WW could tell me anything worse than what I've imagined. I think that details will help put my mind at ease somewhat. Am I playing with fire here? Should I not inquire about details at all?

I think is varies from person to person. I personally thought I would want to know everything, but found after asking questions, and getting answers I didn't like what I was hearing. It was better for me to not know details.

The rage I was dealing with while mentally painting a picture I feel would have lasted longer if I knew for certian what had happened in detail.

It took me about 8 months before I could really funtion normally day to day without the triggers occuring frequently.

Now 13 months later, as much as this site has helped me, it also brings back some of the pain while reading posts like yours.

I would start slow with the questions, and see if you really want to know.

Best wishes to you, and remember it's a day by day evolution.

I also asked many questions. my husband was honest and answered them completely.

i wish i didn't know.

what i imagined-knowing that i might be wrong-was nowhere near as bad as what i now live with knowing.

Anything she tells you will probably be less than you are thinking.
She should be honest as to what she tells you but you need to be honest about what (and how much) you want to know.
When you do ask and get honest answers, it's normal for you to want to ask the same things again & again, for all kinds of reasons.
One is that (whether intentionally or not) you are trying to see if they are lying. If you ask 2-3 times and get different answers, it was probably not the truth.
Also, they use the line, "I don't remember" a lot. They really do remember most of it and they use this line because they feel they are "protecting" you by not telling you stuff which would hurt you.
To me, the lying is much worse than (probably most) of whatever else they did.

Stop & think about what you want to know before you ask.ANd this is something you should discuss with her. That you do have questions but are not sure if you want to knwo the answers.

I guess it depends on the type of person you are...My imagination was worse than the reality, so as the details cam out i felt a little bit better, that is not to say that the details weren't painful. Also I tend to linger on them. So you have to do what you feel will make you feel best in the long run. If you will be dwelling on what you don't know find them out, but know that the truth will hurt.

LT

World,

I created a thread not long ago about this topic. People provided some good input. You can find it here .

Hope this helps you.

I asked for information...not necessarily details. Honestly I wanted to know more but knew it wouldn't help us recover. To this day when I see "that" hotel chain...the A pops into my head. I wish I didn't know the name of the hotel. But like a car crash I had to keep looking/asking. I am thankful I stopped asking when I did. I used the info H gave to learn what I had to do. What did H get from OW that he wasn't getting from me? What did OW provide? How she made him feel was more useful to me than what restaurant they ate at. I know H likes pizza but I didn't know he felt unloved.

So you will ask...but try to figure out what to ask. Ask useful things, things that will help you M recover.

Twinkles,
You sound like a wise woman. How were you able to let go of the "questions not asked"? My H has answered everything I've asked but he has made it clear that he fears more detail questions. He doesn't see them as helpful, and even hurtful for the triggers they could cause. There are days I agree with him and days I think my imagination is much worse than reality. The car wreck analogy is exactly the way I would put it. Sometime I feel like I just have to know EVERYTHING so I won't be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just don't want them sharing something I don't know about. But I don't want yet another experience between my H and me ruined because they also did it. Help!

Irng, it doesn't matter if he thinks it's helpful to you, as he is unqualified to make such a judgement. What matter is if YOU think the details are helpful. You know what you need to heal and it is up to you decide how much detail is necessary.

In order for you to heal, he needs to be willing to answer ALL of your questions without hesitation. That is how rebuilds trust. You have a right to this information and he should never have secrets with the OW to which you are not privy.

Irng,

Just because the WS is unqualified doesn't mean that you'll be able to convince him to tell you what you feel you need to know. Those of us on this site agree on this apporoach, but those who refuse to come here (for whatever reasons) will look at that as a matter-of-opinion and shrug it off.

You both need to agree on how recovery should occur then proceed from there. If you want details and he's not willing to provide that for you then you will not make the progress you both are hoping for. MC will help mediate these issues and get you started in the right direction. There are plenty of good books out there also, but they cannot truly replace a good MC.

If he's willing to come to this site and educate himself then your chances for success are greater. Problem is it's not uncommon for a new WS to want to avoid sites like this because of the additional shame and guilt that they think they will feel.