well, as you guys know my MIL and SIL came into town to speak with H about a bunch of things including ow. My MIL gave my H the Plan B letter I wrote him and he did indeed read it right in front of her. MIL won't tell me a lot of what was spoken about as my FIL has now told her NOT to get into the middle of this. That she can listen to me or him but not to relay what was said. so.... that made it a little hard. What she did say was this: that H says he does not hate me. he keeps saying he has no feelings for me whatsoever. just wants to not be with me physically or to spend time with me. that he is not planning a serious relationship with ow, he knows he is no angel, having some fun basically. (what guy is going to give up sure sex I guess. too bad he doesn't want it with his wife) he says he has no intention of our kids getting any where near ow. that his main concern right now is getting himself physically and mentally prepared for Iraq and spending as much time with his kids as possible.

that is about all I got. she told me she and her family will continue praying but that otherwise they thought my H seemed to be doing ok except for acting like a pig with this ow. But he is not with me right now and she is not with her h so I guess they will do what they do. I think H has an idea that ow is a bit of a whack job but he likes how she looks and what he is getting, sex without the obligation of a relationship.

I left h a message today and told him that I was withdrawing the sep agreement I was having drawn up. By the time all was said and done anyway he will be in Iraq and you can't do anything while he is at war. I told him I wanted him to concentrate on getting himself mentally and physically ready for Iraq and to spend time with the kids. That we could discuss further our separation when he gets back in May or so and see if it is what we both still want and if it is that he can pay for it because I think I have paid enough by what I am going through now. I told him I felt he had enough on his mind getting ready to go to war without having to deal with all this mess as well.

so I guess I am kind of doing plan A and plan B. I am still doing all the right things for me and the family but am keeping contact at a minimum with H, basically only if it concerns finances and kids, but still trying to be as nice as can be and as understanding as I can be. Letting him live his life, he knows how I feel and that I would work on marriage when and if he wants to. right now he has no desire to whatsoever.

do you guys think I did ok? am I doing the right thing here? I am just at such a loss and so confused. any input is good. mlhb

Plan B is no contact either direct or indirect with a WS.

Reread your post and tell us what you think of your actions.

A combination Plan A + B=Plan D

Please reread the goals and guidelines for Plan B implementation.

well, actually I think I did ok. I have to have contact if it concerns the kids I feel. But that is usually only to get scheduling done and to drop off or pick up and usually we do not speak when we drop off or pick up. I have a hard time being a complete bit**. But I also don't think I should have to pay for a lawyer when he is the one who did wrong and right now we are in limbo on that until at least may anyway when he gets back from iraq. I think for our children we can be civil when around them. Otherwise I do not talk or see h. when I left him the message it actually originally had to do with the kids then I needed to tell him the other part as well. I left it in a message so I wouldn't have to talk to him in person or on the phone. as far as anything else I really have no contact with him. Am I being too nice or something? How can I make our home and me look nice to come back to if I am being a complete bit**?

I am going to get the book "surviving an affair" and see if that helps me out here any as to what exactly I should be doing. I am just trying to be a good person and take care of me and my kids and trying to do the right thing. when I say I am being "nice" to him, I mean I am acting like none of this stuff bothers me, like I am happily living my life without H around. You know what, I really don't know what to do at all anymore! maybe I just completely screwed everything up worse, wouldn't be the first time.... mlhb

Sorry MLHB but

"MIL won't tell me what he said"

" That H said he did not hate me"

"I left H a message today"

is not anywhere CLOSE to Plan B. You need to use an intermediary and tell one and all that you do NOT want to hear anything about your H and stick to it.

If you truly are "completely screwed up right now (which is very understandable)" DO NOT get into a half cocked Plan B unless you most assuredly want to hasten the demise of your marriage.

Best of luck

so should I not be trying not to plan b at all? should I just be doing plan A? I am scared to completely close off everything from him. mlhb

mlhb -

Please listen to Cymanca when he says this...

Once you go into Plan B...don't break it! You will end up in D...take it from someone who kept rationalizing their Plan B disruptions...modified Plan B's DO NOT WORK!

Plan A until you can no longer Plan A...when you decide the time is right, Plan B completely...totall DARK!!! Do not break Plan B until all your criteria are met...

TM

all I told H in the letter was that unless it had to do with the kids or finances I wanted no other contact with him. I then said that if he decided to stop having affairs and decided he wanted his family back and wanted to work with me 100% on marriage I was all ears. so I don't know if that is exactly a Plan B letter or not.... I discussed a few other things in the letter as well but it had nothing to do with no contact with eachother. I told him that the changes he had noticed in me I was going to continue to work on as they were healthy for everyone involved no matter what happened. I also said that his family here loved him and we would be supportive of him in Iraq.

He doesn't stay here anymore, he stays with family friends. He has been making no attempt to pack up his things so I have been doing it and have it stored here. It was too painful to keep looking at it. He knows I have been doing this. Can you plan A even when they don't live here? I guess , like I said, the letter I gave him wasn't really a plan B letter so I am safe to just keep doing Plan A? I am just concerned that "letting" him store his stuff here and him still living like he is, I just don't want to be taken advantage of. I feel as though he has taken advantage of me for the past 2 years. I don't know where he plans to live after Iraq. He said he would look for a place then. I was going to let him stay here until he got back from Iraq but unfortunately he proved himself not trustworthy to stay within the boundaries I had set so we agreed it would be better if he moved out. I just cannot trust or believe anything he says, he has no problem lying right to my face. And I think the husband of the couple he is staying with (they are an older couple) is mad at me for having Jon leave after I had told jon he could stay until he got back from iraq. ( he had asked them if he could stay there and they said yes than H and I discussed it and I told him IF HE COULD LIVE WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES AND NOT CHEAT WHILE HE WAS HERE he could stay here until he got back from Iraq. Well, he broke it by having contact with ow and lying about it so I knew he couldn't be trusted. So he then had to tell the couple he stays with that he would be there afterall. So I think the husband thinks I am playing games with H but i am sure H hasn't told them the whole story as to why he has to stay there.

So, just Plan A it then? After reading this does that make sense? I should say, plan A and pray?? mlhb

mlhb,

If you insist on contact, Plan A away.

If you insist on that one more point, one more argument, that one more prompt on his responsibilities, please continue contact with him. Just don't fool yourself about accomplishing anything except driving those last nails into the coffin of your M.

Your fear of closing off everything from him just makes you look needy, clingy, whiney and desperate. Not an attractive bunch of traits for a mate.

Plan A and pray. I will keep you in my prayers

Remember, at this point, you need to do what is best for you. He is not thinking rationally and you can't control him. If you Plan B, then you have to do it all the way.

Even though I am divorced now, I am kind of in a Plan B. I don't contact her at all and it really helps me not to see her, hear her or anything.

This is a tough time for you. You don't know what to do from on minute to the next and you are very confused. It is normal and hang in there!

actually h and I don't argue, I don't push his responsibilities or any of that other stuff you said. We very rarely see eachother unless we are dropping off or picking up kids. and only a few words during that time. so I don't see how I am nailing nails into a coffin. I am just living my life the best I can and taking care of my kids. I don't ask H any questions about anything and never ever ask about our relationship. I know what needy looks like and I work very hard not to be that. I ask him nothing and say very little. Anything I did have to say was in that letter and that was that and not discussed any further.

Thanks for the feedback. I have to run but will post more later. mlhb