I have been reading my thread that had you and MM talking, and you posted on my WW thread.

You know what - most marriages CAN succeed and recovery from adultry.

You haven't given your marriage a fair shot and your H is going through a divorce with you.

And in the process of him doing this, you have gone to your OM and relied on him for stability and strength - which only further justifies your H's actions.

If you really want you marriage to work, you still have a chance, but YOU need to make the changes.

You need to kick the OM to the curb once and for all. I know this sucks - but you say you have your Dad for support and you go to church - get involved in a woman's small group with your church - seek a spiritual councellor at your church - these are the first steps.

After you have done this, then talk to your husband, tell him how sorry you are, tell him you have sent NC to the OM - show him the letter, make sure its a letter. Tell him what you are willing to do to change. Don't ask your H to change - he needs to commit to making this work first. Tell him you want to try a councellor, and tell him if this doesn't work, then you will give him the divorce he wants.

But no matter what you CANT do this with OM in your life in any shape or form, nor can you HEAL from this divorce if he is in your life.

Also for your own spiritual healing and changing - look at getting the book "the self confident woman" by Janet Congo.

Also - even though your H is a sex addict - he can change too - and this can be address during your marriage councelling.

But ultimately - whether you reconcile or not - OM is not a reality. It was an escape for you, and you will repeat the same mistakes in your future with the men you meet and your morals unless you do what's right now and change.

Dorry--
Can you go and read my old posts here and wwjd and wwjd now posts (that was my H). I believe that I deleted certain ones of mine, though. I truly believe that I cannot even try with my H the way he is. He has admitted to being a sex addict. He had a ons with a stripper five years ago and hid it from me even when I admitted my affair, filed for divorce and then went through a MB reconciliation. I don't even have the strength to go on with what he has done in the last year. I have caught him in lies as he has gone to singles clubs alone. He has taught exercise classes with a song where a woman is having an orgasm and so on and so on and so on. I won't even go in to how he has treated me in bed. It is ugly. However, he sees NO WRONG in most of this. He goes to church and yet truly views himself as BEYOND REPROACH.
I want to be married to Christ. I want to do right by that. I believe in my heart that that means to stop leaning on the OM.
Bless you for calling out to me. I know that I can learn from you.

I am still a baby in my relationship with Christ, and I fall alot, as I am still trying to give up that control I want to have of my life.

The biggest thing is just trusting in God - stop trying to control things, and trust God's plan - even if his plan is something you don't like. trust it. Only he knows the outcome, and who are we to judge it.

If you do not want your marriage that is fine. BUT OM is not the journey. He is another factor of your failed marriage. You need to let go of all that and get yourself right with the world and with God before you have another relationship.

The book I recommened is AMAZING - it teaches women to have a relationship with God and heal from their pasts, while learning "interdependnce" through God. The action steps in it make you dig down deep and learn to have "conversations" with God - even writting a letter to Jesus.

It teaches you how you are forgiven for your past deeds just by submitting and trusting in the Lord, and teaches you how some of your faults are uniquely you and what you can and can't change. It teaches you to guard your self talk, and give your doubts to God.

Find yourself a Spritiual Concellor...if you can find a church that works with the "celebrate recovery" program it works with people who have addictions, co-dependencies, anger, etc to heal and change through God.

But ultimately - you have to let go of OM. He will not help you on this process as the relationship you have with him was built on a fantasy and an escape.

AAO~

Just wanted to offer you my support in your situation...you've got two great advice givers in Dorry and MM, so I don't know that I can help all that much, except that I will add you and your family to my prayer list.

I know that it's hard to want to give up the OM(I too am a FWW), but you really do have to see that if he was really your friend, he would know that his "being there for you" is acting as a barrier to your trying to save your marriage(if that's what you want to try for). True friends would never want to be part of splitting up a marriage...true friends root for your life choices(you chose to get married). Friends don't offer sex as a means of support...think about that...have you ever "been there" for a friend and thought that it would somehow be helpful to go to bed with them?...NO, of course you haven't. I'm not saying that your OM is a bad person, he's just really foggy too...fantasies make everyone that way...Affairs are NOT real life!!! There are many men out there who love to be the "rescuers" of "damsels in distress"...what's gonna happen when your OM finds another "damsel" to "save"...where will that leave you?

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh...trust me, I really do understand how you are feeling...if you read my posts, you'll know that I have NO right to take the high road with anyone regarding affairs...I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and offer what I can to help lift some of the fog for you...if you need anything, just ask, and I'll offer all that I can...

Btw, I grew up with an alcoholic, bipolar father so I can relate to the issues that you have there as well...God Bless You!

WWW-
I live in hotlanta--is that where you are from? I grew up here.
To all-
I feel sad reading the other FWW posts bc I still really feel that I am different. I have always felt so alone, and I know I turn to the OM b/c of that. My H orchestrated one night three years ago where he watched me and the OM have sex. I don't know how I will ever get over it. My Hs sex addiction has gone on in many different forms and I am sure that my continuing my A only made it worse. I want to get over my anger. I want to get over my past. I know that I need to turn to Christ, and that I have to give OM to do that. Can we start here? Can anyone help me by establishing some friendships to substitute?

Yes, AAO, I too am from "Hotlana"...I miss it so much...we are moving back soon, we've been in Michigan for nine years(my H is from here)...feeling alone? I can SO relate...so much of how I ended up in an affair...from your post, sounds like we have quite a bit in common...So you know, ALL WSes think that their "sitch" is completely unique, that's so common, I have days when that thought still creeps up on me, but I know it's really not true...you'll come to terms with that eventually. You can reach me at [email]the_wonderings@yahoo.com...I[/email] have free nationwide long distance and would be happy to talk to you...contact me when you can, I think we might have some very common threads...you'll see...

Here is a question for you FWW who are recovering:
when you had the A, did you still love your H?
I did not and I did not hate him either. At least, I did not think that I hated him. I think that I had buried all of the hatred and anger I felt against him and part of why I continued the A was to act on those feelings.
I have such feelings of worthlessness. I have no respect for myself. I have no respect for my H either. I have told him the whole truth when we were in counseling and even before, and now he is using it all against me to take the kids.

Can you get me a copy of that sermon? Or does your church have a website where I can listen to it?

Perhaps I will get you a copy of the whole series we are going through. This was part 3 of a series called Come Thirsty - which means have a thirst for God. It talks about how we look for fulfullment in so many other ways but never feel fulfilled, as only God can fill that quench.

The Cd's are like $2, so it doesn't bother me. I wont be able to get to them till next week as we go outta town for 5 days today, but I can grab em.

Another REALLY good site to read is http://www.watchman.net/discipleship.html - there is alot of good reading there for you! Scroll down to the list of sermons. Most of these will be good for you right now for what you are going through.

AAO,

I am glad to see Dorry helping you out. She has been where you are. She also is a sister in the Lord. So, I think you are in good hands there.

Thanks Dorry!!

In His arms.

AAO, I am a FWW as well. My H also has what he and our MC think is a SA. I hid my A from my H for nearly 10 years until he found out last November. My H has had 3 A's in the last 4 years and an OC born early this year. Yet, with all of that we are now in early recovery. We have a long way to go and my H really needs to get more help for his SA (if that is what it is)but he truly WANTS to be faithful and I am doing all I can to satisfy him sexually. I think there was a part of me before my A that resented my H's extreme need for SF on an almost daily basis. He never even could wait for me to recover from childbirth before he was bugging me again. All that has changed for me, there is so much more give and take between us now in the bedroom. So much more respect in the way he treats me where before I think I was just an object to him. There is hope AAO and that hope is in the Lord. God bless.

Holy Cow, FF! It sures feels great not to feel alone.

Some how I missed the responses to my post. I am trying to learn the times when most people are online.

Dorry--I would love copies of the sermon. THAT is exactly what I want--a thirst for Christ.

FF, are you saying that you had an A for ten years?

Phew! No, it was 2 years but I hid it from my H from the beginning until he discovered it last year. It has been over for at least 8 years now.

So, what made you stop the A? What made you choose to stay and work on the M despite his As?

AAO, I stopped the A once I realized that OM was not who I would choose to raise my children. I had been listening to Christian radio and Dr. Laura quite a bit and the guilt of what I was doing was overwhelming. I ended the A and dragged my H to MC. Unfortunately I was too cowardly to tell the MC or my h about the A.

I stayed after his A's because I made a choice to do my best to make sure my kids had an intact family. I did file for D after he continued with OW3 after dday. It was just about a month ago that we decided together to work things out. He finally realized he was going to lose me. He really is trying now and things are different with us. I am very scarred though and have depression and panic attacks. It will take quite a while to heal.

How far in to the D were you? I filed for D three years ago right after I started my A. He had all the money in the world to try to take the kids away from me. I had no choices. It is like I have been in prison for the last three years and I found out about at least one ONS with a stripper in the process. Now that I am beginning to feel free to make my own choices, I want to figure out why this has all happened. I want to change and change for the better. He is trying to take the kids away again, but I am stronger now and I have faith. I really believe that at the end of my drama, there is going to be something awesome. Do you?

We were 90% done with the D process. We were both using my attorney and we being very cooperative. We got along so well over the D that I figured we should really talk about reconcilliation. He would not do NC at that point so I started withdrawing from him. We were still living together and sleeping together so it really hit home for him once I started to emotionally and physically withdraw. I did it only to protect my already damaged heart.

yes, I think wonderful things are ahead. I am not unrealistic though to not realize that with the good will be challenges. What do you see in your future?

Hey AAO,

How are you doing?