It was so nice to log on and see you thinking of me!
Right now I am just trying to survive. I am feeling so sad for my kids and for myself too. I am waiting for our judge to return a judgement for temporary support and custody.
I am sad b/c I think that my H is completely confused and misguided by his father and his lawyers. I pray every day that he will see the light. He filed for D completely out of the blue. The whole thing is so nasty, and his choices are hurting the kids so much. I don't want to just sit here and complain, but I really feel powerless to do anything. He is not a person that I can reason with or show any human side with right now. For example, he wants 50/50 custody despite the fact that I am a stay at home. He wants to move my 4 year old to a daycare school that is already is session for the year and is not accredited. Right now he is set to go to his regular preschool that goes from 9 to 12. It starts after Labor Day. I have faith that the judge will not rule for that, but it just shows he is not thinking right. The crazy thing is he is from a D family, but he is not seeing how he is hurting the kids. I wish that I knew what is motive is, b/c I know he is trying to punish me through manipulations with money and kids, but for what purpose? Does he want me to beg to work it out? Bc I can't. The way he is now, he is toxic to me. His sex stuff has changed me for the worse. I am truly a better person without him as long as I can stay away from him. I am seeing now that the OM has been a protective measure for me--someone to lift me up and to turn to. I just don't even feel the need for OM like I did before. I feel much more reasonable about the fact that OM is not the right person for me to end up with and I need to concentrate on the kids. Are you sorry you asked?

Kinda sounded like your choice to have an affair too eh? His anger could have put him in a fog too. It sucks that you have to go through this though.

Remember that you don't have to be the person you were - that well, can fit the description of your H - that is who you were during your affair...but not who you are now. Remember that all your actions teach the children...and you want to teach them good actions NOW, especially if Daddy isn't - you can't both be in a fog.

I am glad that you have second thought OM. I do believe that with your children's best interests at heart, it would not have been a good thing to teach them.

Work on yourself and being the best possible example for your kids. Go to church, work on changes to yourself, and I am sure one day you will meet a great Christian man who will help instill the morals in your children that you want them to learn and have.

Sadly, I hate to say it, but divorce can be a concequence to your actions - I know he may be a sexual addict and had a ONS, but these actions are in response to your A which wasn't right no matter what he has done. It's sad, as I think all marriages can be worked on if two parties are willing to make the changes. But if he is unwilling to make those changes to have a healthier marriage, then you are better off to make those changes on your own and attract someone who will be a good husband.

Keep praying, I am sure that being that you were the stay at home mom - the judge will rule in favor of you - since you were both adulterous, he can't use that against you.

Anyhow. Pick up the book the Self Confident Woman as I mentioned before - it will help you in your journey...I am sorry you have to go through all this. But learn from it, grow from it - be a fighter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And wait - the right man will come along...but learn not to depend on that attention from a man - that is a weakness...and you will jump from man to man if you don't protect it and change it. Learn to enjoy a man's affection/attention and want it - but not desperately need it.

I tried to buy the book, but Borders didn't have it. I am ordering it online. Just to be clear, my H had the ONS with the stripper FIRST. Then, 3 years later when I told him that I was attracted to my trainer, he encouraged that attraction. Then he wanted to watch us in bed together, and he did. Then I filed for d, he tried to take the kids from me and I chose to try to reconcile and we moved. WE went to therapy for nine months or so, then he told me of his ONS at dinner one night. He had lied aboout it for years and I don't know what else he lied about. All I know is that I hate the choices and reactions that I have made to/with him in the last four years. One question. My kids will know one day that I had an A. They will remember OM regardless if I end up with him. Do you think that they will think better of me if I do end up with OM and work through all of this junk or if I just move past it and hopefully end up with someone else? I do love the OM despite his faults. He is very immature. But he has been loyal to me and a good friend. He has never had respect for my M b.c neither my H or I did. He hates my H for wanting me to have sex with him. He has never believed that my H was good for me. I really believe that if he thought that my H was a decent or transformed guy that he would have respected my M. Is it wrong for me to continue to need the OM through my d? You are right, my actions have been wrong no matter what. That much I know is true.

AAO,

we all make mistakes, but lets look at it this way. OM slept with a married woman while her H watched. He then continued a relationship with a married woman. Never once did he say - I know your h is a [censored], but you are married to him, and you need to do the right thing and try to work it out or end it. Instead he allowed his feelings to take over, and got involved with a marriage that he shouldn't have.

Now, you have a relationship with him, you know what his morals are like. Yes I know you had an affair, but you have said as much that you would like to become Christian, and you would like to have God in your life.

As much as your husband has been toxic, so has the OM. He added to the trouble. Yes your H had a ONS, yes he encouraged OM, your husband is deeply troubled I have no doubt...but your OM was willing and ready to be a part of this, and then willing and ready to move in on the marriage. BOTH your H and this OM are toxic.

Now if your H was willing to change and get help - I would say first and foremost this would be the option to pursue, but it sounds like to me your husband isn't going to. So you need to do what's best for you. Give up these toxic men, and work on yourself, and attract someone decent, someone who can set a good example for your children. Yes you children may one day know about your affair, but do you want their role model to be someone who had no problem aiding in breaking up a marriage (yes I know there are more problems than the OM, but he did have a big help in this mess). I didn't matter if he thought H was a piece of crap and didn't respect, or if he did- he still had no problems sleeping with a married woman in front of her husband. Most people would run if they were offered that chance, as it's not a normal thing.

You owe it to yourself to get right with God, to heal, to change and to find a man who has the morals that you want to have. Maybe this man will be your H if he sees the light, but if not, OM is not this man either. I know you love him, but you loved your husband too. Why are you attracted to these men that are like this.

Well some people here too will argue that because you are close to a divorce that's its okay to have relations, and I am not one to judge if that's the case, however, if you are trying to follow God...you aren't divorced yet, and are still committing adultry. Your marriage isn't over yet in God's eyes. And you are still in your affair...still a little in the fog.

I think you need to get right with yourself and God before you have a man in your life.

AAO, OM will NEVER be the right person for you. Just continue to focus on you and your kids. NC forever with OM, ok? {{AAO}}

How are YOU doing? Still no answer to your email?

No, he said he has been too busy at work.