Hi. I suppose WW has sent/received many text messages on her cell phone (T-Mobile/Motorola). But she's been careful and deleted them. I'd like to see them, does anyone know a way to recover them? Even better, how to get a hardcopy? Thanks.

I would like to know too, also how to view picture messages sent to a cell phone.

A friend of mine just told me yesterday that a friend of hers got printouts of all the text messages from her H's phone. I will try to get a hold of her tonight and find out how she was able to do that. I didn't have to do it because my H's OW doesn't even have his cell number. Thank goodness.

Actually, I have a question along the same lines as this. Is it even possible to get copies of emails for a yahoo account that is now closed. I have tried to reopen it but it can't be done because he requested it be closed. I would really love to know what he said to OW. I know some of the things he said but know that he's not telling me everything. Can't help it but I want to know.

There are lots of electronic surveillance products on the market that do lots of things, and some things that are not legal or talked about.

I would contact a PI in your area and have a private conversation with him/her and find out what "services" are offered.

JMHO
SD

I, too, have been looking for a way to read WH messages that he has deleted. I know how you feel, weneedhelp. I am not getting any feedback on the relationship he had with the OW. I am at the point that if he doesnt let me in, there is no future for us at all. I mean, if I dont know what, why, etc., then, I dont nor wont know him at all. Are you getting any information?

Hi disbliever1. Not sure I can help much, we seem to be in a similar situation. WW doesn't volunteer much about her A. From time to time she will answer my questions selectively - if she feels they are the type of questions she should answer. I am careful to ask at promising times, and phrase in a kind, nonjudgemental tone, which may help a bit.

One thing that really helped us: We've focused mostly on the M, and only talked about the A a little. Forward-looking, not backward-looking. I think it helps WW to be in her comfort zone. And the more comfortable she is, the more she's willing to talk about the M, AND the A.

While I'm off-topic let me add a thought from Shattered a couple of weeks ago on another thread. He suggested asking 'what do you think are the biggest walls between us?' Boy did that open the floodgates! It had been really really silent until I used that question. It's starting to look like that sentence was the start of an upswing. Since then WW is getting more and more comfortable talking about the M, and the A.


I don't want to obsess about the A, and in my case I don't need every little detail. We try to keep our sessions to 45 minutes, of which maybe 35 mins is spend on the M, and 10 on the A. WW seems to like that ratio since it matches her perspective that the real problem is our M, not the A.

Often I'll start with a reminder that I've been pleasant, nonjudgemental, nondemanding, etc... all the opposite of LBs. Normally she agrees that I've been that way, then I'll ask a few questions, and say "can you tell me more?" when she stops talking - just to give her a chance to add other things she has on her mind.

I'd say 75% of the time she'll answer the Q, so that's pretty good. She ducks any questions about the sexual aspect. I wish she would volunteer rather than being asked, and I wish she would answer 100%.

I usually mention to WW "you'll probably want to tell me eventually anyway, so if you're in the mood maybe today would be a good time. Could expedite the recovery stage." But I can't say that's worked.

Still would like to see those text messages though. I'm considering Shattered's thought just above.

I have gone thru internet and emailed a pi with my question of the deleted text messages. No reply yet. If I do get a reply, I will let you know. I am afraid this is the only way I will get any answers to my questions. At least, weneedhelp, you have 45mins of talk. We cant do but 2mins, and its usually about the kids. If I bring up our relationship at all, he says we're fine. I am as pleasant as can be, until he tells me that. We're fine. Then, I shut down. The last time I looked, my heart was broken into a million pieces and I am not fine. He says I didnt do anything wrong. I am having the hardest time understanding that. He went to another woman to fulfill his needs. I just dont know what ones that would be because he wont tell me. I am at the end of my rope here. About to throw in the towel. Any other suggestions?

Just a few short months ago I was in y'alls situation. I contacted cell phone company to determine whether I could get a copy of cell phone text messages in any manner. I acted as though I wanted to monitor my 15 year old daughter (not my WW who was acting as a 15 year old). They indicated text messages are not saved in their systems at all. The bits of information are merely channeled through their systems from one user to the next much like a phone conversation. Thus unless a PI or someone else can find a way to bug your Wayward Spouse's cell phone (which is illegal by the way) I believe it is impossible.

I also think there are a couple differing methods of Text messaging so I may only be talking about the one my wife was utilizing.

All is not lost though. I snooped on my WW phone whenever I got the opportunity. Don't get caught. Occasionally, she would forget to delete a text message or two or she would text message OM cell phone right on the computer where spyware gave me the whole thread of text messages. I was able to bite my tongue long enough to acquire enough information so that upon D-Day I confronted her with the supposed fact that I got a copy of all their text messages from the cell phone company.

This accomplished two things. First, she thought I knew everything so I completely broke through the denials and got all the truth, even truths I didn't really know. Second, her and OM thought I had access to their text messages so they utilized other forms of communication which I could actually monitor.

Finally, a word of warning. When you compulsively monitor you are going to hear things you will have to live with the rest of your life. If you reconcile with your spouse you must remind yourself that what you hear/heard is fog talk and fantasy talk. It really isn't how your spouse feels about you. My WW wanted her OM to fall in love with her and continue to make her feel so good about herself. She had to do a lot of re-writing of our history, lying to him (and herself) about me, etc. to keep him on board with the affair.

If you can't take it, only monitor for contact (for example monitor the cell phone hour/minute usage meter or crack the online billing password and/or check the bills) instead of monitoring for content. Then spend the time you'd otherwise spend monitoring compulsivelyworking on yourself (which, in the long run, will be more effective anyway). I wish I had worked harder then so I'd have more time off now and more money to spend with my wife in recovery.

You all will make it-- one way or another, you really will.
Hope this helps - Good luck

Thanks Actdontreact. Question: When she left a text message on her cell phone, were you somehow able to get a hardcopy? How can that be done?

Thanks for the warning; its good to have a heads-up.

In my case, I don't think my WW would use our personal computer to send a text message to OM email or cell phone.

Hi Disbeliever1. I'm a newbie and may not be the best one to rely on. I'll give it my best (inexperienced) shot.

But first let me say - believe me here please! - that there are dozens of very experienced people here who definitely definitely can AND WILL help you. No kidding, you've really come to the right place.

I'm happy you're on this thread, it sounds like we'll have lots of thoughts to share. But may I also suggest - for your own good - that you also start a new thread here with a more descriptive title? Maybe something like 'Husband has shut down on me help I'm desperate' or something like that? As I said, you WILL FOR SURE DEFINITELY get help.

Please consider it's vacation season, which has probably showed down participation in this forum a bit. I'm new here, but I expect the traffic here will pick up in a week or two. DONT DESPAIR YOU WILL GET ANSWERS AND HELP HERE!!

- - - -

How to get him to open up? Have you tried the 'what would you say are the biggest walls between us?'

Q: Does your WH think of himself as a nice guy? If so, he may not want to hurt you by saying what the problems are. That could keep him silent. If you think that could be the case, maybe try disarming him by saying something like 'Im a big girl you wont hurt me more than your silence hurts me, please just give me a place to start'?

I'll be out a few hours; back tomorrow. Happy to continue talking with you; but also please ask for help in the title of your thread. Help WILL come! Best wishes.

The only way I can think of to copy a text off a cell phone is to forward it to your email account essentially sending a copy of the text message to you. This is dangerous as it will show up on the bill. It probably will not be discovered that way since the bill won't reference your email, however, you must make sure to delete the last message sent. I've never done this so be careful and make sure you have lots of time with the phone to be certain you're not leaving any traces on it.

Don't get caught, though you have the undeniable right to snoop...it's not fun to take take the crap that you'll inevitably get. Plus it feeds the affair (look how controlling he/she is, look how desperate he/she is, etc.). Even in recovery my wife still gets upset thinking about or hearing anything about my previous snooping. Not to mention when they know how you get your info, then they know pretty much exactly what you have and how to get around you better.

Finally, why do you need a hard copy. It is a private text message between two individuals which probably wouldn't be admissable in court. If that is your intent you can get around this by discusing the text messages and the content therein in writing. For example, once disclosed send WS an email asking them about the specific text message and for an explanation. Be creative. When they respond to you, you then have admissable documentation of the text message.
Another method is thru Marriage Counseling. Everything said jointly to the counselor is admissable or at least undeniable.

Good luck

Now this is getting interesting. So MC is not protected by the usual attorney-client privledge? Our MC is not an attorney. Does it depend on what state we reside in?

Can MC be subpoenoed (don't know how to spell that one!) and forced to disclose our conversations?

Yes. I'm 93.375% certain. I asked an attorney friend who said she's not really a litigator but felt confident of her answer. A doctor/patient privelege would protect you or your spouse from getting and utilizing anything you said to your Individual therapist's, however, joint counseling all bets are off. It's joint, anything said, is related to your marriage, relevant and admissable. Privelege is waived. Especially if your spouse got up on the stand and lied under oath. You can subpoena the Doctor to impeach her testimony and prove she's lying. Furthermore, a judge might like the counselor's opinion when making a determination of custody.

No guarantees I'm right and States may vary, just ask your attorney.

However, privelege would apply if you and your spouse were sued by say the OM. If neither you nor your spouse consent, the OM couldn't subpoena your Marriage Counselor to testify or obtain the Dr.'s records.

The moral of the story. Counseling can be utilized to document infidelity and un-parent like behavior just in case you ever get to divorce proceedings (i.e.-protect your backside); on the other hand, be careful what you say in a joint counseling session as it may come out in court and undermind your position.

Counseling is about saving the marriage and should be pursued that way. If your not interested in saving the marriage there are cheaper ways to document things. Buy a voice activated tape recorder, hide it and just hash it all out, face to face (not on the phone), on tape.

Good luck all

I believe in our state it's illegal to tape without prior permission. Which probably means the tape would not be useful in legal actions at least. Such a tape might have some moral weight, but maybe not in a legal environment.