My wife and I have discussed the fact that she, alone of five sisters, is the only one who is a stay at home mom. The others all have paying jobs outside the home, and to my knowledge all of them do it for financial reasons, not for personal ones. My wife appreciates and enjoys being a stay at home mom, with two kids now in school (kindergarten and 3rd grade). I mention that one reason I don't do alot of house work is because I'm working about 42 hours a week, certainly not a high-stress job, but one which does take some energy, but one which pays enough for her to no longer be a teacher. She, however, doesn't feel that shes at all fortunate to not have to work outside the home anymore, saying that its "expected" that the husband will provide for all financially. I guess that she is saying that the majority of husbands out there whose wives are working for money aren't doing a good job of it, or something, but I think for her the main thing is that she doesn't want me to use the fact that she is a stay at home mom as an excuse for me to be a total couch potato when at home. I can see her point, but am wondering about the overall issue: should wives who don't have to be employed outside the home feel extra glad about this (assuming they'd rather not have a job/career outside the home)or just consider it an "expected" aspect of being married.

Uh, I remember reading recently that a SAHM workwise was worth around 100k or so. I don't see any reason to be "extra" glad about it. It's a choice, like other things.

And your 42 hours a week isn't an excuse, like somehow you're doing her this huge favor...

It is one of those things that should be squared away before marriage, although some flexibility is called for.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mum. Unfortunately some people cannot afford to do it anymore. I only ever worked part time until my kids left school, but we could afford to do it. I now have a full time job and love it. Unfortunately, even though I often work more hours in a day than my husand, I am still expected to cook and clean for him, though I must admit that he does do more around the house than he used to do. The term of supermum is alive and well. I could not even imagine being able to cope with having a young family and a full time job. I salute those women that do. You are legends!!!
reewil...

Great topic! We're struggling with similar issues.

My old view was that it's decided prior to marriage. But after we got married, wife changed her career woman view into wanting to be SAHM. Pretty unanimously, MC and posters here have said that 'you cant hold her to pre-marital agreements since you have to allow for people to evolve and change'.

So the decided-prior-to-marriage philosophy was wrong. What's the right philosophy? Some have told me 'whatever she wants, she's my beloved'. But I'm not sure that's workable: what if I also want to be SAHD, so family income would be zero. I'm very interested in what people say here.

I tend to think the big thing is to share the total work of running the family equally.

I'm not sure I follow how it's necessarily a problem if your wife is "a couch potato" when she's at home alone during the school day. Many SAHMs are on the clock during all kinds of odd hours and all weekend, which adds up to a lot more than 42 hours a week. I think it's pretty normal for their not-at-work hours to come at odd times of the day.

I left my full time job when I learned my first born had a degenerative neuro-muscular disease. A year after he died, I had another baby at age 43. I needed to get back to my career before I lost too much ground. My husband stayed at home with the baby and I returned to work and was the sole supporter of my family of 4 for 5 years. This role reversal was good for us. My husband realized how much work it is to be "mom" and I realized the stress involved with being financially responsible for a family. I tell you, the stress of it is exhausting! I would take the drudge of housework over that any day! Now we both work AND share household tasks. It feels like I won the lottery!

Mineownself, I hear you about sharing work load equally. Something that all couples should strive for, when both are in good health. However, my couch potato comment was about me, not my wife, becoming one when I'm not working.

Robster,

I think it's very nice of you to be taking your W's feeling into consideration about this matter.

I once read that the workload of a SAHM with children is equivalent to two full time jobs.

I'm a SAHM myself. I couldn't imagine where, and how much I'd have to work to put my 3 children in daycare, so I wouldn't consider it a privelege per say... but I do enjoy being with my children all day immensly, and I appreciate the fact that I have a husband that supports my decision. You never specified what your wife would like you to do rather then being a couch potato. Personally, I get offended when my H tries to help with housework, because I feel like that's my job, and that would be like saying I'm not doing it well, or fast enough. However, I do expect him to help with the kids. Not anything big, just little things while I'm making dinner, or doing dishes, ect.. Most of the time what I want from him more then anything is to pull up a chair while I do dishes, and other chores, and talk to me. I just want some adult conversation. This is just how I feel, your wife may be different, but I thought I'd add my opinnion.