My H is doing everything to make things better. We have really been enjoying time together and becoming friends again. It seems that he is past all this and is looking to the future with me, but I am stuck. I am so happy things are better between us and I really want to be with my H and work things out, but I keep torturing myself with the feelings of betrayal. I can't stop crying and thinking about why. The stupid question WHY that there is no good answer for. I mean I read these answers of WS and i understand but i just can't accept. It hurts to see his car because he hide things in there, I hate to leave him alone in the house in case he might talk to her again...i am stuck in the what ifs and can't move forward. I keep waiting to catch him again even though he gives me no indication that he is doing anything. I feel that next time he will just be better at hiding it from me. Am I alone in these feelings? Why can't I be happy with the closeness that we are sharing now and move forward? Are my feelings normal? IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

lt

This is a very normal feeling when you are going through recovery. You might try posting on the Recovery board. They have all been through it.

Has he written a no contact letter? Are all of his passwords/accounts, etc available to you? Have the two of you worked out how to move forward and take care of the marriage from now on? Has he figured out why this happened and how he can prevent it from happening again?

This is a common stage for the BS. At first they desperately want the WS back, but then start second guessing themselves.

You are 'normal' and you are not alone in your feelings.

It can become a self fullfilling prophecy if you let allow the thoughts to really depress you and you LB. You still have to try not to LB and to fill EN's. But it is all still so fresh. It becomes a kind of balancing act...to try to rebuild with him but still be vigilant.

False recoveries are not out of the ordinary. Many people have a couple of them. Part of it may be just how addicted he was to OW...and how long the A was going on. Hopefully, he is remorseful, repentant, and willing to do whatever he can to reassure you. Hopefully there is real NC that you are certain of...like they don't work together. (sorry I am not familiar with your story.)

You can try working the MB homestudy program together...if he is receptive.

Try to relax and enjoy the honeymoon period that can come along with a true reconciliation. If his attitude changes and he starts saying stuff like 'I don't think you'll ever be able to get over this'...or 'I wish you'd just put it in the past and get over it'...then I would be concerned. He should have been willing to give you whatever details you asked for...maybe you could schedule sessions when you are allowed to ask whatever you want and he should answer as transparently as possible. When you have asked whatever you need to ask then you will need to stop bringing it up.

It does get easier with time..but you won't get over it overnight. It can take a good year or 2. YOu will never forget the the A, but you can have a better marriage than you did before it happened.

Some answers to the why can just be as simple as: they 'could'... it was 'available'...they felt 'entitled' ...thought they could get away with it...fine, as long as they didn't get caught...it was 'fun' for them..'exciting'...'felt good'. It can have little to actually do with you. The 'opportunity' was there and they went with it. Then you would want to know that they understand the importance of boundaries so that they know how to not allow themselves to get involved with another A. They need to do some personal assessments and examinations into their own character. Sometimes it is difficult for them to put into words the answer to -WHY? I really hate to hear the 'I don't know' answer. It is usually about how the other person 'made' them feel about themselves. How they were reflected in the OP's eyes.

losttiger, hang in there, I am going through the exact same emotions regarding my WW. She is also saying and doing all the right things now, which is what I worked so hard to get her to do. But now I find myself bitter and resentful of the betrayal. I am still doing everything I can to fill EN's and not LB, but it is very difficult at times. I am still an amateur at this stuff, but I believe in it with all my heart. Follow the MB principles and let the chips fall where they may. It may mean that you can't get over it, but you will be a better person either way. Sorry to hear you're going through this, but stay strong and good luck.

ksu

LT,
There is nothing wrong with you! As far as I see, this is what we go through. I too think of the whys and ths ifs. My FWH said it was "neat" to have this gorgeous woman after him and falling in love with him. Yeah, neat. I asked him recently what he said when she told him that she had feelings for him and didn't want to be just friends. He said that he didn't want to stop fishing with her so they would wait to see where those feelings went. Can you imagine? Hello? Right there he should have said that they should stop fishing together, but it was NEAT. Maybe it was. Then she started filling some of his needs. Recreational companionship was definitely high on his list. It always has been. We did everything together before the kids were born. Then of course, the affection. I see it now, and kinda saw it then, but had no idea that he would betray me. I have lots of what ifs. I should have stopped them fishing together way back when, but I felt that her being a woman shouldn't affect whether she could fish with him and his crew. What a dummy I was. I think I could have prevented this whole thing. I could go round and round about it, but it won't change it now. And for you it won't change it by asking what if? The past IS the past. We have to put it there. And it is hard.

I am keeping an eye on him always, but slowly, real slowly I have been backing off. I can feel a tiny bit of "trust" coming back. But I will watch for awhile. One benefit I had is that the ow burned some of her bridges during the break up and the NC. She turned ugly and he saw this. She did things and said things that were mean and threatening. So I don't think he would go back to her again anyway, but I will always watch now. It's natural. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Losttiger, he has destroyed your trust but still expects you to live happily with him. Of course you cannot do that. That's why you are so tormented.

What has he offered to do to restore your trust in him?
Mulan

LT, your feelings are absolutely normal. Adultery is extremely traumatic. You will never be the same. This is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit against another and I would put the pain right up there with the death of a child.

You are not going to get over this overnight. In fact, you are probably looking at 12-24 months to recover. You are not going to feel happy the first year, I am sad to tell you.

You are right to distrust him right now, he is untrustworthy and you should not trust him out of your sight until he has EARNED your trust again. He has hurt you badly and you must watch him like a hawk in order to protect yourself.

Hang in there, I won't lie to you and tell you it's easy, but it can get better if your H works hard to repair the damage he has caused. Come here and let us support you through this.

thank you for all the responses...he has been very open about the A, i have access to his accounts, its just that i think i am keeping him at arms length because i don't want to let this happen to me again. I never thought that i would stay in this situation and had told him when we were first dating that this is the one thing i would never tolerate...that i would be able to forgive him, but i would never forget and that i don't think that he could live with that. I knew nothing about MB at that time and i know that if we follow this we can make our marriage better. I am not living with what ifs of the past but what ifs of the future...what if he is still talking to her...that sort of thing. The thing is the sense of no control that is driving me crazy...that i cannot stop him from doing it again, that if he is talking to her i wouldn't know it because he will have new ways of hiding it. Does the trust ever come back and how long does it take to get there? I know that there is no real answer for that because it does depend on so many cirumstances but it is what is going on in my mind. I feel better venting here and hearing everyone elses thoughts on it. It also helps knowing that i am not the only one going thru this.

thanks LT

LT, did he send a no contact letter to the OW? Was this OW exposed to her H if she is married? How would he be contacting her if they are still in contact?

Do you sense they are still in contact?

Its all kinda a strange situation...she is 23(why do men go for the younger women?)he is 38, and she lives in California we are in Illinois. It was a internet friendship that got carried away on a few business trips. There is no NC letter (i have another post on here regarding whether or not there should be one) she has a boyfriend. If there is still conversations going on between them..I don't know. Do I sense it? Wow that is tough because I am always suspicious now, boardering paranoia LOL. He tells me that there is none and that there is no reason. The reason for the affair is that we had lost our friendship and he liked how she made him feel. He says that he never wanted to be with her pysically that it just happened (classic). Both of them confirmed that it wasn't good. (I have been talking to her too, she has been open about answering my questions and is very apologetic not malicious) He has done his best at working on this...it is always me pulling away. I know that i have work to do too and i am trying to be a better wife and friend to him, because in the long run it is really what we both want and it benefits me too. It is just so hard to think that he was capable of doing this, and that given the right circumstances it could happen again. Am i talking in circles here?

~LT

How would they be communicating now, if they are? Do you have spyware on your computer?

He could contact her through his work email and his work blackberry, which i don't really have access to. If i ask to see them he shows me, but if he deletes stuff i can't find it so IF he was still talking to her i probably wouldn't know. His personality hasn't changed like it did when they were talking so really i only have that to go on. I think that is why i am so paranoid...it would be hard for me to find out if they were still talking.

losttiger, does he have a work laptop?

Yes he does...funny you should ask that. a couple of weeks ago I asked to see it to do a check and found old deleted emails to and from her. He didn't realize they were there. I wanted to read them and he didnt want me to because he thought it would only bring up bad feelings again and we were doing so good. I insisted, we fought and bang computer smashed. So now there is a new computer.

Can you email me at the link in my signature?