Hi.... A while ago, I joined MB and tried to soak up as much as possible. I learned quite a bit, and attempted (wrongly, now I think) to see if my wife would come along with the plan.
SHe however did not, and ignored my books (His needs, Her needs and Surviving an Affair). To be realistic, this devastated me as I saw no hope.

Let me backtrack. I was unfaithful to my wife (we are not legally married, but we live(d) as man and wife) at the end of february. I totally messed up by having anonymous sex with someone. I could go into all the gory details, but at this point in my life it doesnt matter no more. Since I could never find a reason why, I went to a psychotherapist who by what I told her diagnosed me as a sex addict. I have been unfaithful to my wife 2x in our 5 year relationship. 2 years ago, and this time. We have a 1.5 year old son as well. I devastated her. I also devastated my self-esteem in the process along with who knows what. To be honest, I created a nightmare, and hurted a woman whose bright sun was me. <<cries>>. She knows of both times, as I mentioned that to her days after both incidents. I really hated and hate what I did, no reason to be done, but it happened.

Since then, even though I read those 2 books and knew the principles, I just couldnt put them in practice due to my mental status because of this whole mess. I did all the wrong things a wayward spouse should not do. Although I had no desire to seek "thrills" anymore, I just really love/want her, and no one else, she was distant (i guess that's expected). I pushed her away by my constant neediness for closeness to her. I really messed it up, and our communication dwindled, essentially depleting my love account in her. I was hurting immensely, shes the love of my life. But since all she "needed was time", I let time pass, and became bitter and hateful of myself, and in essence, portrayed myself as an undesirable person. I failed as a man. I am not letting that let me down though.

A few days ago, I woke up really early in the morning (4.30 or so) and went out and she was "working" from her computer. Except that as soon as she saw me, she shifted windows around and I catched an IM window being hidden. Then I got the shakes inside. I knew she has been "cold" to me lately. We havent had sex in 6 months... we used to 2x EVERYDAY... I lost it all. Anyways, I pretended nothing happened and went to the bathroom and headed back to bed, leaving the door slightly opened. I noticed how she constantly refreshed a window with her email account on it. After a few refreshes, an email with a picture attachement came in. Then I knew something was wrong. She came to bed, and went to sleep. I stayed awake, afraid, and now with the roles reversed. I woke up and broke into her account since I knew her password, and voila, a very compromising picture of her boss genitalia. I was boiling and deciding what to do to say the least. I tried to get dressed and go to work, but I couldnt. I woke her up right then and there and asked what was going on. We still live together, and even though I f***ed up in the first place, I thought we were going to go thru this at her pace.... so she had let me know. After 1 hour of drilling her (I am never like this, I was respectful but demanding respect), she told me that it was just happened. I kinda belived her in the fact that if anything, this was just a very recent (1-2 weeks max) type of thing. I after a heart to heart talk that I felt like I was going to die, the only answer I got from her was similar to this: "I love you as my best friend, I love you as the father of our child, I am sorry you feel so sad, but I am not happy, you are too sad [i am going thru depression since I am going to 12 steps meetings and I feel ive done quite a bit of progress, but I was discovering a sad life, prior to met her, that i had made partially invisible to myself and others] and I dont feel anything for you..."

In essence, an I love you but I am not in love with you. This broke my heart. I felt 1% of the betrayal that I caused her to feel, yet I was devastated and nonfunctional. I called my boss and let her know of a crisis I was going to and he supported the time off I need among many things. I called my mother and let her know the WHOLE story (as best as I could because I was broken). I talked to her and her husband, who gave me some advice about "keeping other options open in case she leaves you, because you are young, etc", and my mom who wanted to know how she feels and to comfort me. She is very lonely and depressed. She was prior to affair #2, and I feel is also my fault. It has to be. She feels hopeless like she will never feel good love for me and things like that, yet she wants to live with me and raise our son. She sounded confusing and like a "cake-eater" at the same time... I made her vulnerable as she really is a very decent person.

Well, today, I woke up anxious about everything, but with a resolution that I began to embrace. I exercised in the morning and felt great. I will not be needy in front of her no matter who much I want. I will attempt to date her, since she like/d going out with me. In fact, I planned an overnight trip for this week and she wanted to go. She even suggested a town in the coast where we had a special moment. I hold dear in my heart that she is just hurt, confused, and vulnerable, but that after all she loves me, somewhat, perhaps in a distorted sort of way, but I feel enough for me to warrant to be my best for her. She is just that special to me. I feel I made a mistake when I told her that if she wants to work in us then she needs to stop the innapropriateness of her boss relationship. I still got my doubts, and I believe she lied to me (I feel they might had some sexual conversations over the phone I think), but I will ask her again tonight about what we talked yesterday (when she agreed to read surviving an affair after I told her that the hopelessness she feel about us could wane and love grow if we worked from this day on; I also told her that if she after our tries did not felt it was worth it, then no harm done, we tried, she is free to do as she wishes. I caught her browsing marriage builders articles).

What a saga.

ANY advice is great...

I also think I made the mistake (because I believed her when she told me it was only a day old affair), and told her that if she wanted to work this with me, she had to be professional at work. I am afraid complete no contact would be better, but I am afraid of making her unhappy, as her work does make her happy (she is a work from home mom who telecommutes).

I dont know what else to say... I think that is a condensed version of the past 6 months...

Peace.
Who would thought id be here today.

Welcome to marriagebuilders again. Well, it looks like you are in a real mess.

Your wife really needs to have no contact, and I hope you will keep speaking to her about this.

It sounds like both of you are depressed. Are either of you getting any help for it?

Unfortunately, only I am getting help (i was quite the mess at one point). She is reluctant on getting help on something hopeless. I think if I was in er position, I would think the same I guess... I told her that no matter what happen to us, all I want is a happy and healthy mr. and ms. coldwater, that no matter what, we can both look back and nothing was in vain.

I am a bit at loss about the no contact. I am afraid if she loses her job, she will feel "useless" and thus resent me and be counter productive. I want to investigate this more, so that I can get an idea of how deep this really is. Although, well, its frikken deep already.

In any case, I am taking this one day at a time, hoping that it turns out for the best. I hope the best happens to be what I want as well...

Thanks.

woe. In an attempt to find out more about my fears, i installed a keylogger, but i left the installer around and got caught. after 3-4 hours of flak, i am still the same, but now she is more reinforced in her "its hopeless, i will never be in love with you, i will never be sexual with you," etc. etc.

I am beginning to see that I have to let go. I dont want to though.

Is this a hopeless situation? I want to know if time can really heal all wounds, and if maybe some thinks that perhaps there is hope, so long as some things are done. i am ready for change, after seeing that what i am doing doesnt work. If I had the money, I woudl call Steve Harley, but maybe because I see so much success around here, I want that in my home.

I wouldn't give up so easily. Get your self right "mentally" and put into action the things that you know you need to do, immediately.

well now,

Perhaps one of the major issues that is going on is LACK OF COMMITMENT on your part.

Lack of marriage is what it is. That gave you an out to have 2 A's and now she is on to it.

Yikes!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Do you want this girl forever or not???

You have had 2 A's and she is having her first A.

Gosh, before you go anywhere, you might ask, am I committed to this? After all you have a son. And where might be HIS future in all of this?

Has marriage ever been in the equation?

In MVHO, I might be looking for someone else if I was in a R, for goodness knows how long, my SO has 2 affairs, and we have NO commitment.

Go figure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Try to figure out what is healthiest for you, family, and relationship. We haven't gotten to MB yet.

You might think you have a marriage type relationship, but us girls have a different idea.

What your girl is doing is not right, but what does she have to work with?

Sorry for the 2x4.

What do you want?

I suggest you read up on MB and do the right thing. Commitment.

Yeah, I know I'm bad. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

We women do want the marriage promise. Living together gets old. There is always that nagging feeling. The hope that this birthday/Christmas/Valentines Day, He will propose. Give us the ring and commitment we want willingly.
The way god meant it to be.


The timming is important, only you can decide.

I am going to call Dr. Steve Monday for an appointment.
I would spend my last dime right now for a chance to save my marriage.

my prayers go with you.
Faith

Thanks for the advice. I have to say though, that we lived as husband and wife. We were not "getting old". We had an unique relationship. Besides my self-created problems, there was nothing wrong. I was stupid, I know. I am decided in not allowing this ever more. This has ruined too much.

I understand not gathering too much sympathy. I just know things are different, and want to stop this spiral of untrust and hurt, or at least, contribute for it to stop.

Right now, I am at terms with many things that I have to do, but dealings with triggers ocasionally is hard. I feel like I want to tell her something I feel, but I am unsure I cannot be like that. Say, talks about US, etc. etc... I guess those are counter-productive.

Thanks...

Okay, so I am 99% I am calling Dr. Harley this week... but I got a couple of questions... (???)

1. Should I let my wife know that I am calling him? I am sure she will not like it anyways.

2. I have taken an approach of giving her space. Kinda like a plan A, as since I was the WS first, so I am not sure if the approach works in that way. Im being the best I can, holding tears and emotions when she is around, exercising now and then (got a while to go on this still), and overall holding through this while being positive and avoiding lovebusting. I think I already made myself known in what I want out of this, and know now is just up to her to see changes... But I am so concerned because when I ask her to sit down with me to write a letter to ensure this doesnt happen anymore, she told me that no need to because she already did it. But I asked her if I could see the letter and she told me she deleted it, and wasnt going to send another because that would be "awkward" to her "friend". So I believe the story that this was a recent thing that happened (at least the innapropriate part), but she refuses to help me ease my mind because I guess I should trust her. I want to trust her so badly too.

3. Are backrubs okay? The other day (I guess the mini DDay I went thru) she mentioned she "cringed" at my touch, yet yesterday morning, she wanted a neck rub in bed and was quite delighted by my touch then.

4. While we sleep (since we do it in the same bed) should I, (so long as she doesnt seem bothered by it obviously), attempt to get any closer (non sexually)? She now brings our son to bed and pretty much puts him in between us. I sometimes just reach for her hands, but I feel so pathetic (perhaps because I am not sure myself if I should settle for crumbs, if anything at all), but anything just feels better than none. This morning I got jumped over the "barrier" hehe... and got close to her and she wrapped her arms around me, yet her face was distant. I dont want to keep pushing her away.

5. Im out on a trip today with her. Looking forward to have fun.

Marriage talk is right now out of the questions until at least I can see a glimpse of more clarity out of this (I guess with Steve and seeing the way things will be in a month will decide whether that would be spoken between us at all). But I if all of this somehow gets fixed, I am delaying no more, as this woman is worth it 10000x.

Im off now, I think she is sketchy I post here.

Peace...