I know that I am in Plan A right now, but I also know that Plan b is not far in the future. My WH is doing classic WH babble saying how confused he is...loves his freedom but also loves his family. He is a serious cake eater right now.

So reasonable would be Plan B, right?? Well, how do you do that when certain events require me to spend time around my WH because kids are involved.

Example, we went to MN as a family. Things were good, but when we got back, back to his WH self. I decided I was not strong enough mentally for Plan B, so continued Plan A and a small discussion with WH about what is going on. He says he has not seen OW, but spoke on the phone. I asked...is she important to you and he said not as important as you guys are.

Any way...I really do think Plan B is the way to go, but now at the end of August my DS15 is going to hockey camp in upstate NY. I will go and enjoy one of my favorite places in the world for a few days, but the problem is my WH is the coach so of course he has to go too....we will all probably go together.

Because of my kids I can't seem to stay dark. It seems impossible. So, now my target date is Sept. 1, but here again every weekend my sons will be playing hockey and my WH is the coach and I go to all the games. So it looks like we are going to be seeing him all the time.

So I guess my questions is how do you Plan B when you have to have contact???

I could really use someones perspective on this!

Also, is it common for most WS to come and go...like sleep at home one night and not the next?? Or am I the only one being walked all over?

Gonna keep this bumped in case any one can shed some light! Thanks!

^^^^^^^

Lost,

I really can't help with the Plan B part of it. I'm not quite the expert. It was easy for me because my H didn't have much to do w/ the kids either during a lot of the time he was gone.

Check out Pebbles thread. She's Plan B'ing with kids.


When H moved in with his buddy, he would spend some nights at home.

When I decided to Plan B, I took his key and checkbook from him and would not let him spend any nights at home. One time he called me at 11:00pm saying his buddy had relatives spending the night and he needed a place to stay. I said, "No" and hung up. He didn't have any money and ended up sleeping in his car in the Walmart parking lot. Pretty sad.

Do I have stories!!!!

Anyway...he's home now, remember? I have a load of hope for you and your family!

DON'T GIVE UP!!!! KEEP PLUGGING!

Tatertot

Thanks Tatertot!

I have read Pebble's post. I just don't see a way to do a good Plan B if I am going to see my WH every weekend at hockey games. I guess I could go to the game and leave before he has a chance to come out, but then I have to wait for my son to get dressed. Guess I could wait in the car.

Anyone else Plan B with kids??

Lost,

Besides the hockey games, what other situations would you have to deal with if you go dark? Maybe if you list them, the pros will be able to help more and come running with suggestions. They can help you write the Plan B letter that suites your specific needs.

Could you go watch the games then leave and have your H bring your son home?

Tatertot

Lost...my WH did the same crap. He came home when it met his needs, had SF with me (and I let him) when he felt down, rarely saw the kids (only when I planned for him). they will keep doing it as long as you let him. I know it is hard to turn away, because when you do you think they will use that against you....imply that is is just one of the reasons they are so unhappy. They walk all over you and you are afraid to speak up because they will accuse you of being the nagging beaach that you are. They take your spirit from you because they lack one of their own. I have been like you...always finding that little excuse why not to plan B. You do not have to go to upstate NY for hockey I am sure you can find other options for your son to travel. You CAN WAIT outside while your son gets dressed. Let your WH come to you...if he really wants you...let him cross the room. I have always come running to my WH...and even now that he is no longer a WH because the OW dumped him....he still has not taken any responsibility for his actions, never apologized for the pain he caused for me or DS,....I have moved out and starting this weekend will Plan B him to death. If he wants me he needs to fight for me. And if it doesn't happen I am filing for a D...not because I don't love him, but because I deserve better then the crap he dishes out.

Maybe I am wrong but men hate to feel needed, to feel depended on, especially those going through midlife crises. They feel smothered the more you love them, back off...love him less and see what happens.

I'm bumping this because LostintheCity's story sounds so much like mine and I know how she feels. It breaks my heart!

Can someone with more experience please help her?

Thank you!

Tatertot

I am facing a similar Problem, LostintheCity.

I have a 2 yr old and my WW has custody, but I have visitation every day. I am contemplating Plan B, but how to have no contact with kids?

Lost, Plan B is real easy when you have teenagers. They can communicate any pick up and drop off arrangements themselves. When you go to his hockey games, sit back in the stands as out of sight as you can.

You should view Plan B as you would a marital seperation and alter your plans accordingly. You wouldn't do all the exact same things "as a family" if you were seperated, so you shouldn't plan on doing anything as a family in Plan B. You can't have it both ways. I feel like you are asking 'how can I do Plan B and not change a single thing?' The answer is YOU CAN'T. The idea is to give your H a taste of what life will be like if he is divorced.

The only time Plan B is difficult is when one has a baby or toddler and even then, there are workarounds. When there is a will there is a way.

((((Lost)))
Is WH still living at home? If he moves out you don't have to go to plan B right away. Sometimes the physical separation is enough to relieve some of your stress and actually makes plan A with 180's easier cause you don't have to be "on" all the time. But you do need to set boundaries. If his staying away is not business related I don't think you should allow him to come and go as he pleases. just my thought.

I hope all is well

BTW
What have you been doing for yourself? Are you taking good care? You do deserve it!!!

Lost,
I saw your post on another thread (eav). It sounds like you are getting it! You sound great. Keep it up, there will be strong days and not so strong days. Don't forget to check in occassionally to let us know how you are. This is a process and things won't change overnight. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.

Confused - Thanks for checking in on me. Let me see if I can give an update.

Life was going along as usual. I was starting to do things for me, because I wanted to, not because I thought it would bring WH back. Cleaned out my closet...what a disaster! WH would come and go..home one day and not the next. After his I'm so confused speech when we got back from MN, I had about heard enough.

Well, he started emailing more, would call occasionally, his mood seemed to lift a little. Then last Friday night he sent an email asking if we had dinner yet. We had not so I wrote back no...and you. He said I am coming home. Well, he has not been home on a Friday night in forever!!! So I said sure. He came home and we had a nice night. He has been home every night since then. It has only been 5 nights, but it's a start.

My hopes are so not up because he is still very different...distant, and we have not discussed anything yet. But we will soon.

I think I might actually make it no matter what the outcome. It takes a while for us co-dependent types to realize this!!! I do think OW is out of the picture, but life is FAR from perfect.

So that's it in a nutshell. It may get worse before it gets better, but I will survive!

I guess today is a good day. That is the way I am really to take it...one day at a time!

Lost,

This is sooooo GOOD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have so much hope for you and your family!

Please let us know how everything is going.

Tatertot

((((Lost))))
I'm glad your WH is responding but don't settle... what are your boundaries...has he committed to working on M or is he just home?

Hi guys! Thanks!

WH has not decided to work on our marriage...he is just home. I thought maybe I could Plan A him to death but I came to a realization last night about 4am. I am settling. I have no boundaries and WH does whatever he wants. That is going to stop. I am working on my Plan B letter as we speak.

I asked myself last night why am I letting him walk all over me?? I mean, that is my personality...the ostrich with her head in the sand, but I am not a weak dish rag type person...so why am I acting like that.

I think to answer my own question it is because I am afraid. I am settling for a little bit instead of the whole thing because I am afraid he will decide to leave for good. I have not been ready for that reaction, but I think I am about at that point.

I have really tried hard to save my marriage. But one person can not save a marriage. That one person can be the light for the other person to see, but it takes 2 people to have a marriage. I do not see my WH putting forth any efort towards marriage healing. Only cake eating.

Like all of you here, I love my husband very much. Can't believe what a different person he has become. Can't believe our partnership is no longer that. I also can't believe how similar all the stories here are. I keep reading and reading the same things.

I do have hope for my marriage. I am no longer a blubbering idiot. I am a strong independent woman with three terrific kids, a 15 year old cat and a Newfoundland dog that weighs more than me! I can always find something good in the midst of all the bad so I thnk that makes me a survivor.

I'll keep you posted and I do read here every day!!

Hi lost,
You were back on page 8 so I bumped you up. How is it going today?

Lost?
How are you?