Hey u all, listen up. Been reading this thread and it seems like you all got off the subject. Going off and getting hurt feelings when there's already hurt feelings isn't helping.

Exposure..... happens when a BS needs it to happen. There is NEVER a good time to expose. It gets down when it can or when the BS feels it needs t/b. The WS has NO RIGHT to call the exposure shots. Why? Because WS are conflict avoiders. Want to make the A look less offensive and are not truthful.

BTW for those of you who haven't read enough exposure stories......exposure has been done on holidays, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, vacations, hospitals, while giving birth, etc.

U think the BS wants to bring this pain? In most cases the exposure is needed because the BS is being coerced by the WS NOT to expose. Now why would a WS do that? Because of the WS' conflicting avoiding selfish ways. It is part of what makes up a WS.

Now an Xws would know better but exposure even then is still needed because it is easy for an Xws to revert back to the alient being. BTW, I meant 'alient' with a T.....getting tired of calling them aliens...... I think 'alient' is more fitting because then as a word it only applies to those in the A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let's get back to Bob's initial question. Why do WS tell the BS and family NOT to worry?!??!? Sure doesn't make sense when it is the WS who is creating all the chaos and is the source of the BS' worry. Remember you can't be a BS without a WS in the family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So Bob, did you get the info you needed or what?

L.

li'l Bob:

"Wow. I had no idea I would stir up this kind of hornet's nest. So, let's do it some more."

Spite may be a strong motivator, but it's no way 2 live.

"My wife should be glad I didn't throw her a$$ to the curb that night and hang a sign on her saying, "Used ****** looking to ruin another marriage.""

Clearly, you love her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

"Then she had the nerve to keep in contact with OM for three weeks after exposure."

When you read about enough of these sitches, you'll see that this is far from unusual.

"Once she found out I knew about the continued contact she freaked out so much because she knew that I would fly a banner from our house and key her car so that I could advertise what she did."

Spite again. Not the way 2 accomplish this, Bob.

"Betrayal of trust is the worst thing someone could do. Unless you've been in that seat you have no right to talk about what is the best way to approach the A - especially if your a FWS."

You may not realize this now, but the BS also betrays the trust of the WS 2 a degree. Take now, for instance. You promised her that you'd love, honor and cherish her for better or worse. Here's pretty much the 'worse'. Under what heading would you put her fear that you'll key her car? Is that love? Honor? Cherishing? It's spite, and I'm pretty sure you didn't talk about spite in your vows (but I could be wrong).

My FWW has said and done things that really tweaked my gain knob. Still does. I piss her off at times, 2. But through all this time since d-day, I've been learning how 2 respond rather than react when I feel attacked in some way.

Do un2 others, and stuff.

But you know this.


Try 2 accomplish the things you need 2 with a little more compassion and understanding rather than spite.

-ol' 2long

Wow... looks like I missed the slam fest of the century here. Probably just as well that I didn't see the unedited version. Like I said, I've been beating myself up about this a lot, didn't really need to get beat up more. I guess I should think twice before posting.

For the record, LB and Aphelion, you know nothing - and I mean nothing - of my sitch. Had you gone back and looked at some of my earlier posts, you would know that I am indeed remorseful, and grateful that my H is willing to forgive and work on the M. I want to do everything to make the M better than ever.

In no way was I saying that affair should not be exposed to OP's S. Yes, the OP's S has a right to know. In my case, OP was single; there was no spouse. What I was talking about was widespread exposure to people who could eventually hinder the couple's recovery attempts. There have been many threads here and in the recovery area about friends/family members who have stuck their noses in and hindered recovery efforts. Dalton Dad comes to mind as one such case of a BS who desperately wants to save his M but his family has not been supportive.

I guess what got me the most about LB's post was all the spite involved with the exposure. I think even the Harleys would point out that revenge and spite are not the reason to do exposure, stopping the affair is. And IMHO, being revengeful and spiteful are not healthy if a couple is trying to recover.

Oh, and Aphelion, I can think of a lot of words to describe me, but egotistical?? LOL... just goes to show that you really don't know me at all!

Finally, thanks to all my friends here who came to my support, and please accept my apologies (especially to Racer) that my post pushed Aphelion's buttons and escalated to all the personal attacks.

I think I'm taking a break for a while. Coming to places like this and seeing this kind of stuff is not healthy.

“Unless you've been in that seat you have no right to talk about what is the best way to approach the A - especially if your a FWS."

Bob, I'm one of the FWS's who have done a lot of reading, learning, studying and growing on these boards and who are trying to help others…including BS’s. Are you saying that, because I am FWS, I don’t have the right to offer advice & help to BS’s about these things from what I’ve learned personally and from what I've learned from these boards & website?

Wow, Bob, you don't think this was a little overkill? What was the status of the affair? Were you motivated out of love for her and the desire to save your marriage?

A singing telegram...it just doesn't make sense.

Anger is understandable, however, if saving your marriage is important to you, you'll need to avoid doing more damage in addition to what she has done.

Exposure is a tool to end the affair. As pointed out by a previous poster, it can come back to haunt you if you recover. That's why it should be used carefully.

There was a thread that I started a while back called "Abuse of Exposure" that you might want to check out.

Good luck to you, Bob.

Low

I once read a book written by the mother of a young girl who was raped, tortured and murdered. The book was about the mother's journey into recovery, following the capture of the man who did that to her daughter. He was tried, convicted and sentenced to death. 20 years later he was actually executed.

For 20 years she looked forward to the murderer's death. Did everything she could to speed up the process, to avoid re-trials, to publically cry out what an animal he was. She even publically denounced the family who raised that man.

When the murderer finally was executed, the mother found that her pain did not cease....that in fact, the heaviness of grief hit her like a ton of bricks. No longer could she focus her energies on destroying the monster.

And, that even after the monster died, her daughter would never be with her again. That no revenge can make up for the fact her daughter was taken.

I would suspect that the betrayal of infidelity is similar. That no revenge or humiliation can make up for what a WS did to the BS. But while the need for revenge is certainly understandable. Afterwards though, you're still left with the grief, only in this case your WS is publicly humiliated at work and at family gatherings, and over time, the seeds of resentment will grow. And you still must decide whether you want to stay married to your FWS.

Bob, best of luck in finding peace with it all. Try and remember that anger is an emotion that temporarily feels better than a deeper hurt. It provides a sense of power and revenge a sense of focus. But in the end, you're still left with the betrayal that never goes away.

I'm going to go find some peace too, and I know now it isn't to be found here in GQII. Up until the time 2Long posted, Little Bob was given some radically horrible advice, feeding his anger and spite instead of trying to understand it and heal his marriage.

And the worst part was watching truly remorseful and wise FWS's like Racer and GBH be personally brutalized. So, just like them, consider me another FWS scared away from here.

Best of luck in your journeys.
GS

gentlesoul:

Hi. Hope you don't leave, but understand if you choose 2.


One of my favorite quotes about forgiveness applies, even 2 the sitch you described above (and certainly 2 cases of infidelity):

""We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die--for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it. [forgiveness]"

Lewis B. Smedes - "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve"

-ol' 2long

when i found out...i was so ANGRY

i thought
"how could he do this to me-to us?"
"how can i ever trust him again?"
"why would i even WANT to be with him again?"
"I deserve better than this."

when i tried to forgive....i was still too angry
when he tried to reconcilewith me...i was still too angry

then i understood HOW this couldhave happened... he was unhappy because i was not meeting his emotional needs...and he didn't communicate his feelings or needs with me...

i began to understand that WE had created a situation that led to this

i accepted my part in the problems that we had

the more i understood the more i could forgive

and now...i'm not angry

i'm still trying to understand so that, given the chance, WE won't allow this situation to happen again.

my husband, like anyone else who made this choice, did it because they felt that something was missing...they were hurting and they looked in the wrong place for a solution to the problem

when they realize they have made a mistake and they reach out to you for forgiveness....please meet them halfway

i hope that the FW wives and husbands that are kind enough to be here only to help others understand better-even if it hurts them to do this-don't leave.

you ARE appreciated and you ARE understood and YOU ARE FORGIVEN by the people here that need you the most.

i don't believe that anyone who cannot forgive these truley remorseful people can ever really forgive thier spouse either. If you cannot understand HOW this happened to them-you will never understand and accept any blame for how it happened to your marraige. How can you expect to heal?

"i don't believe that anyone who cannot forgive these truley remorseful people can ever really forgive thier spouse either. If you cannot understand HOW this happened to them-you will never understand and accept any blame for how it happened to your marraige. How can you expect to heal? "

Very good points, eav!

-ol' 2long

"i don't believe that anyone who cannot forgive these truley remorseful people can ever really forgive thier spouse either. If you cannot understand HOW this happened to them-you will never understand and accept any blame for how it happened to your marraige. How can you expect to heal? "

Very true statement. Even tho the A is a very painful thing to go thru it does make us (the bs) look at ourselves and see what we did to contribute to the failing marriage, how our ws was wandering down that road into an A, how it could of just as easily been us that could of been a ws. I don't excuse his A but I do forgive it and I do see the part I played in many of the problems we had.