Well, when everyone said that it would be a rollercoaster they were not joking.


This morning when I re-read my W’s post on D-day +1 I wondered where that women has gone. She is nowhere near that state of mind right now. Starting last Thursday/Friday I noticed a significant drop in her enthusiasm for “us” and our M. Our weekend trip with the kids was VERY stressful due to the kid’s behavior, but still, she seemed emotionally distant and very much in contrast to how she was towards me the first 4-5 days post D-day.


This past Monday OM called. She told me he called and what they discussed (for 15 minutes). She was adamant that I do not call his W, even though he told my W that he didn’t think his M was going to make it and that he still loved her (my W). Well, I wouldn’t think his M stands a chance either considering that he is STILL pursuing my W even after discovery of the A. Anyhow, against my better judgment, I promised not to call OM. She assured me that she didn’t think he would call again. Even though she admitted that she did not tell him to never contact her again.



So, my W mentioned that he said he had tried to contact her via their secret “love phone” that she gave me after I caught her in a lie on D-day +1. So I bought some minutes for it and lo and behold, there were 2 voice messages from him. The first was less than a week after D-day. He told her how he was having a hard time with this, he missed her a bunch, he loved her. He then gave her his schedule for the next several days before he left on his family vacation. The second message said “well, since you haven’t tried to contact me since my last message I guess that means one thing, you’re done. I am sorry. I love you.”

What I found curious about that was if they really decided on D-day that both were going to “save their marriages” and that their A was over (the official story given to me and OM’s wife), why didn’t he already know she was “done” when he was trying to contact her the following week? It doesn’t add up to me and I don’t think I have been told the truth.

So, I had promised not to call OM or his W after he called Monday, but now knowing that it was actually his 3rd attempt to contact my W changed everything for me. And I do think it is the right thing to let his W know that he is still telling other women that he loves her.

So I called. His W answered. I really didn’t want to discuss it with her, but she persisted and I told her. She didn’t blame me for my calling. I know my calling OM won’t stop him from contacting my W again, only she can stop that. I called on Wednesday. The second she found out I called (I told her) she got VERY angry at me and we have not been anything but argumentative since. All the reconciliation feelings, all the affection, all the remorse, it is all gone. She is seething at me because I called OM and his W.

She refuses to discuss a NC letter or phone call. She says it is not necessary at this point. At this point I feel it is a must if I am going to even try to save my M. But what good is a NC statement if it is forced and she is not doing it because she wants to do it but because I am pushing her???? It is worth nothing!
After arguing all night because I called OM, I asked her if he contacts her again will she tell me, she said “probably not”.

We went to our 1st MC session last night with a new Church based counselor. W admitted that she “feels like she loves OM”. Again, a totally different person than the one who posted on MB on D-day +1 who said she felt like such a fool, knows her relationship with OM was not real, knows she loves me, etc…

Why should I wait around to see IF she falls out of love with OM and then IF she falls in to love with me?


After MC she asked me if there were just too many obstacles for us to be able to save our marriage. I told her that there was no obstacle that would stop me from being everything I can be for her, everything she deserves out of a H, if I knew she loved me and was in love with me.

I told her that the only thing I needed was to know that she loved me and was in love with me. If our M could get to that point, I said I would be willing to do anything and everything for her. But I also said that I would not accept being the "second choice", or the "safe choice", or the "responsible choice". I either want a M with her where she is in love with me, or I want to move on. And I said I did not expect her to be able to provide that right now.


It seems to me that she has not made the decision to let go of OM and that relationship yet. I have to wonder about the sincerity of what she has been telling me since D-day (2 weeks ago today).

She tells me at times that she doesn’t like the feelings she has for OM and wants those feelings to be for me. Other times she backpedals and talks about how she was emotionally abandoned by me for years, etc…

Wednesday night when we were arguing about me calling OM, she said “my feelings of love for you were coming back, I felt them coming back. I desire for intimacy with you was coming back, I felt it coming back. But now what you have done (calling OM) has ruined that. You made those feelings disappear again.” I can’t help but feel that those statements were made more to punish me emotionally than to be honest with me.


Since I called OM she has not told me once that she loves me. Her shows of affection have dwindled to just 2 brief instances since I called OM. In the past, she always emailed me in the mornings, called frequently, even during her A. The last few days she has made a point of not contacting me by email or phone while I am at work unless it was emails specifically about household issues, etc. Not a single one about us, or asking how I am doing, or giving me any words of support or hope, etc…

I would have more optimism if my W was still the same person who wrote her initial MB thread post-discovery. But her current behavior hurts and confuses me.

Is this part of the roller coaster?

I fear she is beginning to realize that she thinks she does love OM and doesn’t want to give that up, and that she doubts that I can make her happy, that trying to save our M would be too much work for something that she doesn’t think will work anyways.
She told me last night that she doesn’t think I could ever let this go, that I would always hold it against her if we stayed married. And I think when she was saying it she was trying to convince her self of this more than to make a point to me.





And now I am having a difficult time with letting her re-connect with me emotionally right after D-day. She went out of her way to be very affectionate and loving towards me right after D-day. I had separated from her emotionally over the 8-9 weeks of her hidden A when she told me our M problems and her desires to D me were all my fault. She managed to re-connect my emotions last week. Now with her pulling away again this week, it leaves me in agony all over again. I don’t know if I should separate my emotions again, or try to ride out what “may” be a low spot on her rollercoaster or may be her changing her mind about me, our M, and OM.


All I want is an M where my W loves me and is in love with me, ABOVE ALL OTHERS. If I cannot have this in my current M, then I will have to move on for my own well-being.

And I know that even in the best circumstances, the road to recovery is a long one. But it is very depressing to think that I am only on the first mile of an long road trip and am already barely able to contain the overwhelming need to ask “Are we there yet?”.

Gosh this sucks…..

T-D, I'm gonna have to leave your many questions to the 'Infidelity & Recovery' experts. I mainly just wanted you to know we're here.

BTW, I really wish you'd consider calling the Harley's for advice. I've heard they're really good at getting the 'reluctant spouse' on board.

ghnl, is there a link on this board for contacting the Harleys?

tired dad----this is all part of the ws script...there isnt a bs on here that hasnt heard the same or worse when they exposed or continued to expose. i think if a ws was gleefully happy about it and proclaiming nothing but happy wonderful thoughts at exposure we would all fall over dead!! lol

hang in---your doing fine.

The link for Harley's Counseling and Coaching Center

This is a promise you should not make nor keep. Do not contact OM but only OMW when NC is broken. Because it takes time for those feelings to go away. That is why NC is essential. You will need to ride out her withdrawls and you will need to be strong. Do not expect her to meet your needs right now, she really can't. What you experienced early on was the euphoria of her ending the A and seeing you as her knight. If you act loving and honorably to her and continue to work on changing yourself, you can once again be that knight for your WW. TD, that is the reason we call it a rollercoaster. You will have many of these ups and downs. Hang on for the ride.

TD,

I read BT's thread...and what she said you did with the kids is making me think that YOU need a reality check yourself.

BS or not...you cannot be doing that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

This is your battle with her...and hers with you. The kids do not belong on your battlefield.

You would be smart to curb your desire to use them as weapons and pawns.

committed

TD, do you know what anger is good for?

What has your anger done for you lately? Giving into anger is easy. It makes you feel completely justified in everything you do.

Know what it's good for when you spit it out at your wife? Not a thing.

TD, why would you think she'd be "in love" with you right now? She would not have had the A if she was experiencing an "in-love" feeling for you.

No more crazy games, no more name-calling. Geez Louise.

You were right to call OMW. If I read right, she's the one you've spoken with. Yet you wrote repeatedly that you have contacted OM. What am I missing? Why would you write that you contacted him if it's his wife you contacted?

GC

TD,

My parents were divorced when I was five. My father down-talked my mother to me, my mother down-talked my father. I never told either what the other said. Do you know who got hurt? Me.

I loved both my parents equally. I did not want them to be divorced, but I also didn't want them to tell me how the other half of me was a useless piece of crap.

I despised seeing my father hit my mother. I cringed at his anger. I was afraid of him. How can you love someone you're afraid of? You're too busy being afraid.

We see too many cases of children being used as pawns; don't let your situation be that way.

Please, please get help for your anger. My dad did, and he's a much better man for it. He hated counseling, but he's different now. He doesn't let his anger rule him as much anymore. I figure if he can do it, anyone can. And he's more manly in my eyes than ever. So is my husband who has struggled with anger, as well.

~ZP

Why do you still have the "secret love phone?" Why haven't you thrown it out? You don't need to be listening to the OM's messages any more than she does, IMHO.

Good heavens man, it's way past time to be getting serious professional help with your anger. Yes, this is a bad situation. But your job is to protect your children no matter how bad your situation is, without fail, without excuse.

You know this is not a new opinion on my part. Get to it and fullfil your responsibility.

TD-

Again, I am going to have to reinterate that your wife is INCAPABLE of having those *in love* feelings for you right now, and also any displays of affection she gives you are only to keep you happy, they are not heartfelt....is that what you want??? You want her going through the motions for you???!!!!

I understand the thought that she should pay, I understand the thought that she should be making you feel secure and loved.......but it's not going to happen for a long, long time.

You need to be STABLE for her, you need to fill HER EN's, and not expect ANYTHING in return. She cannot be *In Love* with you in your current state......who could?!?!

Clinginess is a DEATH NAIL for recovery.

You may need to go to plan B to shock her back into reality....then you can make your list of conditions for marital recovery i.e. a no contact letter.

Right now you are just spinning your wheels....and I know it's easy to do, I've been there.

-Caren

Isn't that an awful lot to ask of a BS? I mean, he has to have some hope that things will get better, right? If he cannot expect anything in return, why go through with recovery?

***********edit*************

Committiedandlovi.... this information is from the same person who was accusing him of being dishonest in his thread two days before her own dishonesty came to light.

Only TD and BT really know what happening in their lives.