Yep! Cool!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You didn't actually say anything WRONG, however because BT & TD's thraeds have a tendency to go astray we are going to be VERY careful this time to stick to MARRIAGE BUILDING posts!!

Disagree with one another's theories, suggestions, comments tactfully but no negative personal comments about the other poster! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> May seem petty, I know, but we are going to try REAL HARD to stick to MB concepts!

You are NOT singled out. This applies to all.

Keep up the great support!!

Justuss, you are WAY cool in my book! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OK. Thanx for the poke, Justuss.

By Justuss:
Awe...and here I thought it was just cuz you liked me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ZP

BT! I really do hope you consider calling the Harleys! Steve is a wonderful marriage counselor...I met him in person and he is very good! He will give you the tools needed to recover your marriage the PROPER way! The more I think about it, I do think he would be a better choice for you and TD than Penny! Please consider this way of counseling!

Also, one thing I learned throughtout this process is this and I say this for both you AND TD...

YOU cannot change TD and TD cannot change YOU! YOU must change YOURSELF and he must change HIMSELF! YOU cannot make him happy and he cannot make YOU happy! understand?

YOU make your OWN choices! HE makes HIS own choices! YOU do not control what comes out of HIS mouth and HE does not control what comes out of YOUR mouth...YOU cannot make him do anything and He cannot make YOU do anything! YOU and only YOU make the choices that will affect the rest of your life...HE and ONLY HE makes the choices that will affect the rest of his life...

I will not reply to TD...but please DO NOT use the children in this situation! I am disappointed in the way he acted with them...When Ed told Justin about our divorce, I lost it! I do not ever think the children should be brought into such a dirty situation...Ed told Justin about our divorce out of spite towards ME...it only hurt the kids...That night I called the police...it got that bad...we had a horrible knock down drag out fight...I will not go into details...but I do wish I could take back sooooo many things that we did and said in front of those children!

PLEASE, tell TD to NOT ever use the kids or speak to them that way anymore! It is VERY damaging to them....DOES HE understand why you did this? Does he KNOW the answers? Imagine how B feels? Imagine what is going thru little B's mind right now? I am sorry, I am going off on your thread, but I cant reply to TD thread out of respect for you..but please do not allow any more nonesense in front of the children! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Protect those kids NOW! Do not allow them to see any more or HEAR anymore! he is 10 years old! 10! think about it!

BT,

I understand, and sympathize with, the fears you have. To get through recovery, you need to hope and believe that T_D will become the husband you've always needed him to be, and you have to hope and believe that he will forgive you and not hold the affair against you for the rest of your life.

I think T_D understands that.

He, in turn, needs to hope and believe that you will love him again, above all others.

One crucial thing you can do to give him a reason to hope is to commit to No Contact with the OM. And that includes making it clear to OM that you will no longer accept his calls.

You've read Surviving an Affair, right? You said last week you bought it. The No Contact letter is a key part of the book. It would do a lot to assure T_D of your seriousness at recovery, to quell some of the fears he must be feeling.

I'm praying for both of you, that you each have the hope you need to have, so that you can get on with the work of rebuilding and recovering your marriage.

I'll tell you, my wife was miserable for 10 years, as I was a wretched excuse for a husband. She never thought I would change, and was prepared to divorce me. When she least expected it, I did change. When she had given up hope, I changed. It CAN happen. You have to work past your affair, which we were not burdened with, but I believe T_D understands that he needs to change, and I believe very strongly that your marriage is not only salvagable, but capable of becoming something great.

Oh wait! *forehead slap* There is more you can do besides cut right to Plan B. (Distracted by the mod interaction...)

Sheesh. Lots of talking, but Plan B is there to help you get out of the situation to preserve love, if the situation cannot be resolved.

So, before Plan B...you can tell your take on the situation, the abusive parts, and you can request that it not happen that way anymore. Tell how you feel when these things happen.

Harley says that these concepts do not work in abusive situations, but really, there are few other ways to approach it, that MB concepts are really the best first line. If nothing changes, you need to get out of the situation.

~ZP

BT, i wanted to say HI. unfortunately i cannot type much of a post right now. i did start a thread for you earlier in the week as dorry pointed out. i'm not sure if you ever saw it. i am glad you are still posting and when i get back from vacation (2 weeks) i will look you up. i feel i can relate to you very much and would love to help. i feel your frustrations as you type, i have had many of the same. my H, after 15yrs of marraige when he finally decided to go to MC with me, talked about things that occured in the first month of dating me. things that happened 19 yrs ago!!!! if he had such a hard time with part of my basic personality, why did he marry me?? his answer, he saw so much potential, he liked the other parts of me, but after the wedding, the part he did not like became more important. but he never really told me any of this.

anyway, i'm not trying to write out my life story here or anything,. i just wanted to welcome you and let you know there are all sorts of us here, FWSs and BSs (and even a few who are neither). i have learned much and my life has been truely transformmed by it. i hope you stick around long enough to see if the same can be true for you. you are on my prayer list. God bless.

BUMP ^^