I realized that I prefer to continue my recovery as a FWS than a FBS. I know that sounds odd - maybe it's punishment I don't know.

I find when I give into my BS dwelling, I start focusing so much on what Sprint did to me, that I forget what I need to keep focusing on - and that's ME. So when I go back to being a FWW, I continue to look at what I have done wrong, and what I need to change, and keep challenging myself.

Becoming a BS hurt so badly, and luckily from 8 months on here, I had already learned what to do and what not to do to help in that healing...but looking at myself as a BS caused me to lull in my self analyzations.

So when i have trigger moments and hurt moments, I let them pass, tell myself it's not like that anymore and we are working on now, and then refocus thoughts to what I can keep doing for myself to keep the progress going.

It seems wierd to me, but it seems to keep things going for me to look at things this way.

I also realized how in touch with myself I have become and it's wierd because I feel like I can write the book on being a FWW (not meaning to sound egotistical so sorry if it comes across that way) and am proud of my accomplishments, but ASHAMED that I know so much about that topic and the healing process, I wish I could know more about something more positive, and not the healing heart of a FWW.

Anyways this is just one of my rambles for the day - thanks for reading, no worries if you didn't - it was just some odd thoughts I had over the past day or so...

"Becoming a BS hurt so badly,..."

Maybe that's a big part of it? Maybe it just plain hurts less to be a WS.

Dunno, though. I've never been a WS.

No actually neither hurt me more or less than the other. Just very different hurts. The hurt I felt as WS was disapoinment and anger in myself, the overwhelming guilt that I could destroy a man I love so much, the pain of seeing what I did to him, knowing it was ONLY me that did that to him. While the pain of being a BS, was disappoitnment in HIM, anger at HIM.

I just wonder if maybe I am self punishing by only looking at what I did, or if it's healthy that instead of looking at what he did to me, I focus on my shortcomings?

I know that my pastor teaches that it's normal for us all to focus on what is done to us, like someone cuts us off and immediately it's "HE cut ME off." when we should really be wondering - what is making this guys day so bad that he is in a rush or carelessly driving, or did I contribute to the cutting off...I have been trying to think like that, so maybe that has something to do with it.

I also wonder if I am just protecting myself from wanting to be angry with my H. I have given that anger to God...but of course every day have triggers and fears.

One of my fears is that things are going well besides a few distant moments when one of us is triggering...but things looked good in the beginning of our first recovery.

I worry that focusing on myself as the FWW is a way of self protecting to ensure further changes are done by myself? I don't know lol.

Overthinking this all I think....

So, (with tongue sort of over near my cheek) would you recommend I become a WS so that I can focus on something that seems less difficult, angry or confusing than being a BS?

No no no no no!!!! God no. I hope that didn't come across poorly - I wasn't saying BS's dwell or are too angry or confused...I was just saying in my own personal experience I found myself doing so much of it it was hindering my own progress I had made as FWW.

If Sprint was still around, he would tell ya, he always wanted to hurt me like I had hurt him, in fact he admits that he probably made it a self-filling prophecy. But when it was said and done, he wishes he could take it back. After wanting to hurt me, he realized he never really wanted to hurt me, and is so sorry for the hurt he caused. He wished he could take it all back.

I don't know what personal journey he is on as we don't discuss it unless it relates to both of us, for the fact that if we bring up one A, it triggers the other and just hurts us both and we get no where.

I'll tell you one thing, for me personally - and this may not be for everyone, but being the BS was slighly easier for me, cause I could be angry at SPRINT, and not myself. I could direct anger, guilt and hurt to someone other than me. My shoulders were barely big enough to begin with to shoulder all the anger hurt and guilt I directed towards myself.

I see I am not making sense now...I have to think for a bit.

But no no no no no no no - Aph - you would make yourself feel so much worse if you had an A. I know how tempting it sounds.

Sprint was able to finally let go of his anger for me in leaving and having an A, but now he has a whole swack of new things to deal with due to being a WS...and he still triggers on mine, so it didn't help him heal - it just complicated things more. But after 9 months we finally both are focused on what we both need to be focused on - the marriage and changes and the future...

I think when I am both the FWS and the BWS, I get more confused...when i focus on just the FWS I can keep things rolling forward and be less confused, as it's what I have focused on for 8 months. Once again doesn't make too much sense - but maybe someone can decipher what I am saying lol

Dorry, I have a question for you. Were you ever separated? For how long? And who initiated the separation or divorce paperwork?

I think it has something to do with feeling like a victim...

Milk,

after 4 months into recovery H began to distance himself and had inappropriate relations with other woman (borderline EA's) he states at that time he wanted out.

2 months later he met a woman and DID start an EA with her, and 2 weeks later asked me for a legal seperation over MSN messenger. I immediately spoke with a lawyer who said if I didn't want to keep the house I didn't have to stay. Since I couldn't make it on my own this far from family, I called my Dad and he picked me up and I left 4 days later to their house 5 hours away.

H did the research and said we didn't need a lawyer unless we couldn't agree and gave me his written out agreement which was crap cause I had the kids and it wasn't in the kids best interests. i asked him to give me time.

The seperation was in total 4 weeks - so not long. He only talked to me 6 times during this period and only 3 times to the kids. Everytime he asked me for my agreement, and I continued to ask him to wait. I wanted to research everything, so that my agreement was accurate to what the kids would need based on real costs of living, etc.

After 3.5 weeks I had a LONG agreement written along with advice from my lawyer who was my aunt (yay free legal advice). He was angry with it - thought it was vindicitive, etc. But a day later, he called me and confessed to the EA/PA *(which it had become) and told me he understood if I never wanted him back. I told him, my goal had not changed, I still wanted the marriage. He never took the papers in to get them looked over or legalized.

after 4 days of talking on the phone, and me not giving in, his ways started to change, and he actually finally admitted he wanted ME home, not just because of the kids, and I took the chance and went home.

That was 2 months ago now.

Maybe you are saying, one thing at a time.

And that's Ok too.

Maybe...maybe I am second guessing myself and our progress, waiting for something big to hit us again? I don't know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I do like the progress we have made and especially the progress I personally have made. Maybe I worry that we aren't really 8-9 months into recovery, but actually only 2 months into recovery due to his A, and that in 4 more months we are going to have a bombshell again. Totally crazy fear as there is no grounding for this fear, and why worry about what we have no facts that it would happen.

I think I am just OVERTHINKING these past few days...lol - silly me.

Ap, I have been on both sides and I can tell you that the pain of a BS is shattering and earth shacking but the pain of WS is horrid too. You know that you did the worst thing you could to the people you love. Plus all the shame that goes with it is just horrid.

Okay, so you were separated for four weeks so it was not long enough for your FWH to completely detach himself from you.

My H has asked to come to an agreement (b/c he does not want to spend on lawyers) but we haven't really done anything yet. Two days after H moved out, I gave him what I want using the legal D paper that I got from one of the lawyers I met. It was all standard - the only thing I added to the standard paper was the option of me going back home to Japan with my son. H looked it over and said later no way (not to the thing about returning home but to the very standard child support and maintenance expenses). So I asked him what he want, but he just told me that he can't afford spending that much every month but never gave me any specific numbers or anything.

Then one time (about 1 1/2 months ago) we were talking about our situation and H kept saying that D is the only way b/c he is not interested in staying married to me. H said "then maybe if we are still interested in, say one or two years, maybe we can consider getting back together"

I think H said that so that I would back off and agree to D. Unfortunately, I don't think H said that b/c he truly felt that there might be a chance for us to reconcile. In the past when he was still living with us, though, I could tell that he was beine wishy washy.

Anyhow, that time I asked him to come up with his terms then. Then he said "fine, I will come up with my terms, but then I want your response, okay? I don't want you to just ignore them" so I said "I won't ignore you, but if your definition of my response is for me to say okay I am happy to divorce, then no you won't get that kind of response"
H was not happy about that and never came up with anything.

Then about a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about bills and he said since this is going to be a problem going forward let's quickly come to an agreement so that we don't have to have these issues anymore. I suggested that instead of going to a court battle why don't we try to agree and H agreed. H told me what he wants. H said he would give me the house (I made over 40% down payment on this house and for the past four months I have been paying for the mortgage on my own, so this is not so crazy) and wants a lump sum amount from me so that he can make a down payment on a townhouse or condo or something. That part I can agree. But then he wants to pay only 16% of his net income as a child support. But in Illinois, 20% is the minimum and H does not have an option on this. So I just told him that he cannot just change the number to 16%. H did not reply to that. H said he would hire a mediator b/c that would be cheaper than a lawyer. But since then there has no mentions of that. I thought I might hear from his lawyer or mediator, but nothing.

In this situation, would you go ahead and start the legal process? I just want H to change his mind and start claiming for 50% of the house that I have been maintaining. The amount he has been giving me every month is a bit less than 20% of his net income, so I do have financial reason to pursue the legal actions. But I know this is a LB too. Do you mind reading my thread when you have time and let me know what you think? Sorry to thread jack...

I guess I don't see any of that pain in my FWW. She goes on pretty much as if nothing happened.

So it's all pretty foreign to me.

So I guess with her it was more than a temporary lapse in judgement or character?

I;m sorry Aph, I wish your FWW was different, but I think FF was right, more than just a resentment buildup or a lapse in judgement.

A 10 year LTA with multiple false recoverys.

OM only cut and run because I threatned him with massive take out a billboard exposure.

And there may still be contact.

Oh wow! I knew it was LT but not that long. I am sorry Ap. Hope I didn't hurt you with my remarks. I just could not keep it up that long, 2 years was longer than I could really handle. I had to extricate myself from that sitch.

Very similar to 2long isn't it?

My ears caught fire, so I did a search...

My W's A, if you count it as only one A, started in early 1991 and ended in August 2003. Twelvish years.

Contact continued until April of this year. Sporadically perhaps. Possibly one-sided email attempts 2 get a dialog going again...

I don't know anymore. I don't think contact is going on anymore, but if it is, I'll figure it out. It doesn't hurt much anymore 2 contemplate the possibililty, partly because it's not much of a possibility, and partly because I don't cling anymore. At all. And THAT is a wonderful way 2 live.

-ol' 2long