Hi there,

I just found this website...again.

I was here about 4 years ago as a BS. I downloaded the questionnaire, bought the book, read the posts...

and I think most people would say that my marriage was being rebuilt.

Except that the affair and my reaction to it were not what ANYONE who knew about the affair realized. His affair really caused ME to change ME more than it caused me to relate to the marriage differently. I focused on my career and I'm really on what you would call the fast track now...I changed my appearance...grew my hair, changed it's color, got in fantastic shape, had plastic surgery, got a personal trainer, blah blah blah - aren't I fantastic...like that.

I was in our gym at home one afternoon in 2003 and had the TV on - a show about affairs came on and mentioned a website called Philanderer's. It is a website for married people looking to have an EMA. I signed up about 2 weeks later....and, of course, found someone to have an affair with and proceeded to have an affair up until...well...Monday.

Monday was the culmination of about 2 months where the rationalization and BS I was feeding myself started to disappear and I was left with the actual facts - the hard truth - of what I've done.

In April I told my husband that I didn't love him anymore (which is total BS)...we started going to see a marriage counselor. Husband immediately stopped almost all the behaviors I told him were driving me away from him. Even though I wasn't honest with counselor or husband the discussions in counseling made me realize that I do love husband, that I was risking my child's family life by my actions, that I was doing something that, when looked at in the cold hard light of the sober day, was pretty ugly.

It took about two months to work up to ending the affair. I was actually supposed to go see OM this week - yesterday - but the very thought of doing so made me slightly naseous....

My husband doesn't know....doesn't even suspect although he did last year. OM lives in different state. I have not heard from him since I sent him my "it's over" email on Monday. I don't expect to hear from him because I'm fairly sure getting a "goodbye" email from me is not in keeping with the way he expects to be treated by someone he is having an affair with. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that this experience is a first for him.

I've read enough on here to know I'm in MASSIVE withdrawal. My best friend, who knows and has known everything and who is extremely pleased I've stopped the affair suggested I was basically going to go through withdrawals like an addict - something I've read here as well - and I am. She has suggested I call her whenever I need a moment to regroup. I've called about 10 times in the past 5 days.

I have zero intentions of telling the counselor or my husband about the affair. I understand from the little bit that I've read here that this won't be a popular idea. ok

I don't know what to expect by posting this here. Possibly some advice...maybe some verbal abuse...someone suggested in a post that a WS (is that the right abbreviation?) posting here could help with withdrawal...I'm definitely willing to give it a try.

If I thought even for a second what I had during the affair was somehow special and unique, this site would have disabused me of that notion very quickly. Lots of pain here.

hcmnomore

hcm

welcome to marriage builders.

You are obviously posting as this is killing you inside - you have kept this secret for awhile.

You will get some harsh advice here, but keep in mind it is only being told by people who can relate to you and your husband - try not to take it personally.

Start by reading the thread found in my signature at the bottom.

PLEASE reconsider NOT telling your husband about your affair. Sadly he probably has some suspicions and has spent time feeling crazy, hoping his gut is wrong and believing he is wrong. You need to give him the chance to know and to help make changes.

The thing is - that he contributed to the marriage, and probably helped get you to where you are. How can you expect things to change if you don't let him know and heal together.

It's not the easier road, by no long shot, but it is the right road, and the only road you can take if YOU want to recover from this. Otherwise that guilt and shame will hang over your head, and you will never feel comfortable around your husband, always wondering if he knows.

Also - it will be worse if somehow down the road, your H finds out by someone else. coming from your mouth will show your H was courage you have and respect you are regaining by being upfront and telling him YOU want the marriage and want to fix it.

It's VERY important that you do this WITH your husband if you want to recover yourself.

hcm, please tell your H. I wish I had the courage to do that. My H was in the dark for a long time and his pain of living a lie for all the time is very real. It almost cancels out everything we have done together because I lied for so long and had a wall up inside to hide my A from everyone. No one knew except OM until a few months ago. I will always be a coward in my eyes for not coming clean even when my H had his own A's.

welcome back. Too bad, really... but there are supportive folks here

I will let you know some things up front.

NO ONE will support you in your keeping the secret from your husband, so be ready for that. Also, since you ended it on Monday, I imagine withdrawl is screaming at you. You have to maintain NC, or else you will most likely fail to stay away from OM on an intimate level.

As you know there are many resources here.

Your spouse deserves the truth. Point blank. And get tested fot STDs. I understand you are in a lot of pain. I hope you will find the clarity to do the right things in the face of pain. You can always talk about it here.

Okay so let me get this straight.....your husband had an affair first? Or did I read that wrong???

Well as you well know 2 wrongs don't make a right.

How did you find out about your husband's affair?? Did he come clean???

You said you were well into recovery before this started...but I don't think that you were....you went on a site that is specifically designed for people to have affairs. That's a little different than meeting someone that accidentally begins to fill your emotional needs...etc.

You may have thought you were in recovery, but you obviously had some problems dealing with your husband having an affair.

Do you think that your A was a revenge affair??? It sure sounds like it to me, because going on that site was a very calculated move.

I am not trying to come down on you, I guess I'm just trying to understand. As a BS it has, of course, crossed my mind that turnabout would be fair play, so I understand that line of thinking.....I wouldn't do it, thanks, in a large part, to God and MB.

I am going to have to agree with the others (A lot of whom are Former Wayward Spouses) that you're going to have to tell your husband. If you love him, and you want to save your marriage you're both going to have to start being radically honest with each other.

-Caren

It is great you are here. Just take it one step at a time. I will tell you that the secrets are what destroy your soul. YOu can't and won't get away from them.
Just work on the NC for now.

HC,

My husband found the book His Needs, Her Needs in the waiting room of our doctors office.

There are great chapters that talk about how/why you tell. It's what convinced him that after 4 years of keeping his affair secret that we could survive him telling me.

He did and we did. The guilt was killing him and was keeping us from having the marriage we have today. Couldn't have happened if he hadn't told me.

At least consider talking with Steve Harley. You can get ahold of him via the counseling link on the home page.

When you were here 4 years ago, did you get help from the poeple here? Did you learn anything from the experience? What do you think youhave learned in the intervening time whit your almost 2?? year affair? Has the affair made you happier? A better W? A better friend to your H?

hcmnomore: I am asking these questions for a reason. We need to know what you have learned and what you have failed to learn. It is always hard to fathom someone going through the pain of learning their spouse lies to them and cheats on them, and then doing the same thing themselves.

Hence all of the questions.

I look forward to hearing more of your story.

God Bless,

JL

Schedule a private session and tell the counselor. The counselor is not allowed to reveal what you say in a private session without your permission. Then the counselor can help you decide if and when you tell your husband.

PS: Finding out about the A explained a lot of my WH's behavior.

You know...this is kind of interesting and makes me wonder if this is more common than realized. I mean, think about it. A betrayed spouse has their self esteem shattered by a betrayal; then go to work on themselves. If the marriage encounters the presumed challenges in recovery, it is no wonder that others might start noticing the 'new and improved' BS. Then getting a little bit of attention from someone of the opposite sex is like a drug rush to the heart and *woo-lah*...a familiar occurence takes place once again.

I realize this poster in a sense went 'looking' on a site that catered to such things, but I do wonder how often similar affairs are birthed from situations like these mentioned.

I'm glad you are here posting though. Best of luck to you.

It happened to my H...only in a very short amount of time - 6 months after the D-Day of my A. He went to a singles site to boost his self esteem, met a few people, eventually met someone special, started an EA...left me, became a PA, and then came back. Now we are recovering from two A's....

hcmnomore (interesting user name, what's the hcm stand for?) - It's early and you've just begun the process, so no advice yet.

The parts that I highlighted (and the parts that were deleted referring to your "massive withdrawal" because you miss the man who you KNOW doesn't respect marriage or fidelity) in the quotation from your post indicate strongly two major things you are still dealing with;

1. Denial...you are still the "victim" and not the willing perpetrator,

2. You are locked into a pattern of lying to conceal the truth. Until you learn that a marriage built on lies cannot be a "good" marriage, it's pretty pointless to offer advice.

Your "friend" can know, but your life's partner cannot. Are you afraid of bodily injury, or just fear what revealing the affair could lead to...the loss of your marriage?

Right now it appears that you are committed to acting "solo" and to "doing whatever YOU want to do."
Selfishness is not a good foundation for a marriage, or any relationship for that matter.

Just out of curiousity, does faith in Christ play any part in your life or are you "on your own?"

hcmnm,

welcome. i do not have much time to type but i wanted to welcome you. i arrived at MB in Dec 2003, after i had hit bottom and took a good look at what i was doing. i too felt there was NO WAY i would confess. in march 2004 i confessed a small part of it. in Oct 2004, i finally got it all out there.

my advice to you is to work hard on yourself right now, get your head completely out of the fog, i know it is an adjustment to stop what you have been doing. get strong on that. and keep an open mind about all the rest.

keep posting!!! you are in my prayers.

Your story sounds exactly like mine, only I do not feel guilty about it. Sounds crazy after what I went through. It is something I never would have done if I had not been betrayed. My H knows of my A. The thing that I did find out was that it did not make me feel better about myself not understand my H's side of the story better. It only made me resent my H more for pushing the button that lead me down this road. I do know that I do not want to go there any more and that I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness. I try to work on my marriaage and to love my H again for my kids sake. Good luck to you.

tell you h- what is done in darkness and secret will only fester- but when brought into the light will heal and grow.
He deserves the chance for closure and forgiveness.