I've just had 4 lovely days camping with my kids. Unfortuntely, WH knew we were going because DS had called him to see if he had some of our gear. When we got back, I knew WH had been here. For some reason, he loves to use our computer. I find big block of sent emails deleted for the time period I'm gone. Occasionally, I find something. I'm not saying what this time, but it's pizzed me off.

Folks, I need your support. I've been avoiding Plan B for say, 3 months. I keep postponing it. There was graduation. Then there was the hope and promise of a session between WH and Steve Harley. Now there's DS#2 leaving for college next week and an overlap visit from his older brother. Seems poor planning to start Plan B when so many things are happening. Or would it, when so many things are happening, be a good time?

I've had it. This time I can see myself doing it. It's easy to give good advice. It's tougher to follow good advice. I just don't want to set myself up for failure.

Stay tune, possibly tomorrow, for a letter to critic.

Grape:

You will have my support, for sure. This is a big step for you.

What about your financial situation? Don't you need a legal agreement?

Will your WH want to go along to take son to college? Does son want this?

Some things to think about...

This has been the time when I realize that WH has completely checked out. I understand that his work is insane and he has little time for anything. I'm really tired of it all.

I'm tired of all of our interactions being when it's convenient to him. He calls when he doesn't have anything better to do. He'll invite us to one activity but ignore us the rest of the time.

We just got back from camping and my inlaws are more interested in our trip than he is. I received an email from them almost as soon as I got home. I TM-ed him that we were back but got no reply. Yes, thanks for his concern.

WH was at our house while we were gone. I think he comes to use our computer. Despite his attempts to cover things up, I can see that he was accessing a computer dating service. As far as I can tell, he isn't registered with them.

It's a very good point to ask what my DS wants. Of all my children, he is most like his dad and is the only one who will still reach out to him. Although, DS will only contact his dad in emergencies. I will take your advice and see how DS visualizes his start as his new school.

Financially, we're okay. Having 2 kids in school will be a challenge. Before WH got his apartment and made so many expenditures, it would have been fine. That's one reason I'm thinking of waiting until WH yearly review and hopefully his bonus are settled. If my new job comes through, it will be the proverbial drop in the bucket. Not a lot of money but a symbol.

Would it be good to have a real separation agreement in place?

It would be good to have a separation agreement in place because he will initially be angry about the PLAN B.

Plus, PLAN B means that you two are not able to communicate. The legal agreement will make sure that this does not need to happen.

I forgot when he obtains his BONUS.

It would seem perfect to implement PLAN B AFTER dropping son off at college. A family event and THEN...COMPLETELY DARK!!!

GG,I agree with Mimi, you should have a seperation agreement in place. I would get with an attorney and get that lined out ASAP. I would also implore you to do this NOW before he goes on his extended business trip. In order for Plan B to be impactful, it must be done when he is there. If you hand him the letter when he is resigned to a business seperation anyway, then you will have lost all of your leverage. So don't wait and throw away your Plan B ammo.

Here is a sample of my favorite Plan B letter, scroll down to thefurnituremans post and read his letter and the reasoning behind it. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

Grape-

I support your plan B. I am going to Plan B *AGAIN* myself in the near future.

I have to secure other living arrangements, etc., and there is no longer an OW, he just wants to divorce me for the fun of it, I guess.

So anyway, I'm here to support you, and hopefully you can support me back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

I fear I've left it until too late. WH should be leaving on his trip within the next 2 weeks.

On the other hand, when he gets back, his workload should have easied. He'll have a big space in his life that work won't be filling.

I woke up early this morning thinking about lawyers. I'll try to get an appointment with someone this week. I've been given a couple of names.

I suck at this.

Caren, I'm here for you too. I'd be lost without my MB friends.

BTW, on second thought, the lawyer will and can help you with the particulars regarding the Bonus.

Most of all I would consider what's best for your son's departure from home. That's a big event as you well know....Isn't he going to his D's alma mater...

WH went to the school for 2 years and then changed to another university...that's when I met him. This college is known as being a tough place. One thing that is really complicating things is that DS doesn't have a dorm room yet. He's on the waiting list and will most likely get a room.

The bonus and all is due probably in September.

I feel like I've turned the corner on this relationship.

GG, if he is leaving on his trip in 2 weeks, I would try to go into Plan B on Tues or Wednesday. If you wait until he comes back it will be of little use because he will already be that much more detached. I would do it now if you are going to do it.

You could deliver the Plan B letter and then follow with a seperation agreement later next week. But, I think timing is critical in your case if you want this have any effect.

Also, if you do it now, that will give him 2 weeks of opportunity to miss you followed by an enforced business seperation in which he can do nothing to rectify the situation. He won't even have OW around to soothe him. That will ENHANCE the effects of your Plan B, I think.

When do you take your son to college?

Does WH plan on going?

You are completely right. I can't take this anymore. I'll be talking to a friend about being an intermediary. Stay tuned for the Plan B letter.

DS goes up to school on either Friday or Saturday. He has a friend who is living off campus. We might see if DS can stay with him until the room comes in. Dorm rooms will certainly become available when people start joining frats. DS will definitely not be going to a frat.

I doubt that WH has even given a thought to DS's trip to school. He probably won't be able to take time off. That's his usual excuse.

DS#1 is also flying in for a couple of weeks on Tuesday.

I agree with Mel then. This needs to happen soon.

However, I am a believer in leaving the WS with a very positive experience with the BS prior to PLAN B.

Any thoughts on this, Mel?

Grape, what did you mean by "I've turned the corner on this relationship?"

G,

You're getting excellent advice so I have nothing to add but support. I'll be praying for you.

I do feel like I'm on the cusp of something different in my M.

First of all, I should say that when I look into my heart, I know that I still love this man. The love has not died.

Second, I have been able to visualize better what I want in my life. I don't feel like I'm in panic mode or a BS fog anymore. I think I see better what my needs are and what I need to fulfil them.

Third, I am no longer willing to accept emotional crumbs from WH. Because I desired contact, I would take it on his terms. I felt any contact was good contact. The pattern has been he'd want us around for X activity but not for Y and Z. It's hit-and-run and at his whim. I don't think I can settle for that anymore.

Fourth, I am taking more charge of my life. The decision to apply for jobs was a big one.

Fifth, I've come to see that it's not just me. He's also, for lack of a better term, rejected our children. He does not see them nor does he make the effort to see them. He has never invited his parents to his apartment.

Sixth, I can see myself without WH. I can see a different life.

Seventh, I know that I cannot change this man. For the past 28 years, he has made the active choice to work a million hours, to not be involved with his family, to not open himself up and communicate.

Eighth, I realize that there have always been problems in this marriage. Our sexual life has been horrible for a long time. He's refused to go to counseling for many years. I have always been the linchpin of this family.

Nine, I'm lonely. There's more to life than waiting for WH to check back in.

Ten, I've been inactive long enough.

That probably covers most of it.

Grape:

This stood out to me before I carefully read your post.

You said:

"I can see myself without WH"

My question is: Are you with him now? It seems that, of course, you can see yourself without him...

Have I ever been with him? When DD and I were visiting in NY, my friend said, "It doesn't seem like anything is different. You and DD always came to visit us without WH." Did we miss him on the trip? No. Did we miss him camping? No. There have been many times when the kids have said that having their dad at a certain activity would have not made it as fun. I could almost hear his voice complaining about things when we were camping.

He is an enigma, a shadowman, a self-contained unit. Until he lets me or anybody else in, how can it change?