So who is the man that you say that you love if you've never been with him?

Good question. A bit player in the movie of our life? A sperm bank? A wallet? A guy who has happened to live with me for 30 years?

Life would be a whole lot easier if I could say that there is no love left for this man. Consistently, over the years, I have asked myself the "Do I love him" question and it's always come back "yes". Am I delusional? Foolish? Untrue to myself?

Grape, from what you describe I can't help but wonder if there isn't more to this story. Men don't spend "a million hours a week" at a desk working alone, as you seem to think he does. Men don't spend virtually their entire lives alone and working. He is getting what he needs somewhere and always has been.

I don't want to freak you out or anything, but he sounds like one of those men who's got a second family stashed somewhere and *that* is why you see so little of him. It would also explain the long hours that he does spend working. Takes a lot of money to support a lifestyle like that.

I think it's either that, or he's always had a casual OW or two on the side that you just never found out about. Nobody spends that much time "working." It may have been that you bought this excuse because you didn't want to look any deeper, just as I didn't want to -- because of the fear of what you might find if you did.

Again, I don't want to ruin your whole day, but I just think there's more going on here than even you know. Whatever it is, Plan B is certainly the way for you to go.

JMHO
Mulan

Yes Mulan, I do think there is more to the story. There are things that I've turned a blindeye to before. I had small children. I didn't work. I've wondered if this was an exit affair.

As for work hours, I can absolutely say that they've always been intense. When the kids were little, he'd take them to work with him. When he's on a big project, the hours just mound up. In the electronics/computer industry, it is well known that they chew up and spit out their employees. If you don't work the requiste 60 hour weeks, you are looked on as expendable.

Don't fear about ruining my day. I'm going to a family reunion this afternoon. My mom's mom's family always gets together every August for a picnic. I'll get to see a lot of people that I like.

Here's a first stab at a Plan B letter. I don't know what I'm doing with this. I've used Furnitureman's as a template. Please, tear it apart.



Dear Mr. grape,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I have been deeply hurt by the events of the past year. I am saddened by what has happened to our marriage and family.

The past 30 years have been filled with many more good times than bad times. We’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve loved you this entire time: though sickness and health, children, moves, long work hours and separation. I have not been a perfect wife but I’ve tried hard to keep our family together. I have always loved you.

Our marriage is at a place that is very confusing and painful. Your affair with OW has blown our life apart. I can only assume that it is still going on. The hours that you put into work have put too much stress on everyone. The way you drop into and out of our lives is beyond difficult. I cannot scramble for the crumbs of attention that you offer. Your distance and sporadic contact undermines my love.

To preserve the love I have for you, I must insist that we no longer contact each other. If you need to reach me, you can contact XXXX and she will forward appropriate messages to me. You are welcome to call the children directly. Our financial arrangements will remain as they are. If there are business decisions to be made or information to be passed, send it in an email to XXXX and I will answer it.

I am committed to this marriage. I believe our marriage can come out of this stronger and better. However, until you can end your affair and set boundaries between work and home, we cannot work upon our marriage. You must agree to joint counseling. I would love to walk through the rest of my life with you as a committed, loving partner. I love you greatly.

grapegirl

Well, I like that letter alot. Short, sweet and to the point, not overly sappy. What do the rest of you think?

What about financial arrangements? Without legal agreement in place, he might use this as a means of gaining contact.

Mimi, I think the legal agreement can be put in place rather quickly later in the week. But she needs to go dark NOW before he leaves on his extended business trip, IMO. For now, she can deliver the letter and state that financial arrangements should remain the same. Then she could contact an attorney on Monday and get a formal seperation agreement that protects her financially. What do you think?

My greatest concern is that she has a very tiny window of opportunity to go into Plan B because of his upcoming trip and I worry that she will lose her leverage if she waits.

A good or a bad thing? DS wants us ALL to go as a family to take him to school on Thursday. He wants his dad there. He wants us all there.

GG, how can that happen if you are in Plan B? This kind of thing is going to come up often, you can't just break Plan B every time it seems inconvenient. If you do, you will have defeated the entire purpose and thrown away your credibility not to mention all of your leverage. How could you handle this while in Plan B?

Mel:

In my experience with my sons, dropping off to college is a significant life event. Yes, almost like, Dad walking the daughter down the aisle.

For your son's sake and I think for an effective PLAN B, leaving WH with this memory, my vote is for PLAN B to begin after dropping off the son. Give the letter on Thursday..

My opinion...given my experiences with dropping sons off to college. Unforgettable family events for us all in my family..

Days like this are really once in a lifetime...

I agree with Mimi ... get everything ready for plan B.

Drop the nuke after a happy family memory like getting beloved son off to college ... plan B is more effective that way anyway.

Good idea, ladies. Are you ready, GG?

Yes, I think so. It's going to be a tough time, might as well add a little more stress to it.

DD and I are really sad about DS#2 going off to school. Fortunately, DS#1 is flying in on Tuesday night for 2 weeks. That will help us transition. We've been having a lot of talks about what it's going to be like with just the 2 of us in this big house. I know that we're going to be fine but it's quite a change. DS has told DD that he's going to teach her how to mow the lawn this week. He says that it's HER job now. It will be very different not to be cooking meals that include a teenage boy's appetite.

DD and I have been trying to set some ground rules. When I start working (the second interview is today!) we're going to need to work together more. Since we don't have the bad role model of WH, we can start afresh. I want us to have our dinners togeter, DD to figure out her own lunch, a homework plan and new framework for our lives. I've always done a lot for my kids but will enjoy the partnership. DD is happy to have some "shape" to our new lives.

I feel as happy as one can be about my Plan B letter. I'm going to hand-write it. WH hasn't actually committed to coming with us to take DS to school but I'm pretty sure he will. The 5 of us will be together. I'm sure I'll cry. I will give the letter to him as we leave. Nervous? Of course!

GG, that sounds like a great plan! Now, have you thought through what you are going to do if your H tries calling you or barging into the house? Because he will probably try to make you break your Plan B in order to test your resolve. Plan B makes them very ANGRY because you will be taking back control of your life. He will probably do everyhing to get you to break it. What is your plan?

YEP! as Mel states..

Will need to change locks and/or get that garage door opener. That was an eyeopener for my FWH!!!

Also, I had to change my cell phone number....

I'm not sure it's going to make much difference to him anyway. He hasn't bothered to talk to us for a couple of weeks. Will the fact I've announced I'm not talking to him suddenly make him want to talk to me? It doesn't matter. I'm doing this for my peace of mind.

My plan for the next 2 weeks is to let DS#1 deal with him. DS is bigger, stronger and in better shape than his dad. He also has an incredible amount of anger but will be a good advocate for me. I have not changed the locks yet. (Since we don't always lock the doors, it's weird.) When WH moved out in December, I made him give his garage door opener to DS. There was no reason for DS to have to park his car out in the snow all winter.

By the time DS leaves, WH will probably be on his way to Singapore.

Grape:

I thought you said that he comes in to use the computer....

He is likely to react to your PLAN B letter, BTW....

Why do you say that you are doing this for your PEACE OF MIND? How will writing the PLAN B letter help with this? I would think you are trying to insure NO CONTACT with him?

GG, How are you?

She took her son to college yesterday.