I don't know if I should have done it. I've been trying plan A so hard just not very long.

Brief Background:

WS is having a one sided emotional EA at work.

He says was unhappy in April.
(I had no clue he was unhappy)
He moved out in May. " said nothing changed"
Is staying at parents house. They are gone for the Summer.
Yes they know he is there. Didn't know what was wrong.

I tried to everything I knew to get him back for 10 weeks.
relationship got worse quickly.

I'm suspious of an A. He denys.

wife of friend of his told me 3 weeks ago about OW.
She says "he is making an A** out of himself at work."
He still denys. He says OP is "just a friend."

I checked cell phone records. her # listed 3-4 xs a day.
most calls are from OP to him??? He still denys.


Over the course of 10 days I spoke to some of his/our friends. Some approached me. Some I called. I had been keeping it quiet up till then. All that knew said she's not interested in him except as friend, He is the one who wants her.

I got lawyer had him sign off on house. Changed the locks.

I did more snooping found secert email account.
Got proof but it broke my heart when I read it.
didn't tell him.

Talked to his mom told her I loved her son and wanted to be a good wife to him. She has been suspious of "the friend" as well. SAid she doesn't approve.
I found MB 2 weeks ago. Read eveything I could find on the site. Read His needs/Her needs book.
Did EN & LB questionaire. His only.
Started Plan A. He gave me a week.

We shared some good talks,good food saw each other every day.

Tonite our time was up. I tried to get him to agree to continue, he refused to negotiate.
Still said OW was just friend

So I moved to policy of radial honesty.
I figured what do I have to loose? We are getting nowhere.Honesty & truthfulness was his 1st EN.

I showed the emails I printed.

He got the strangest look on his face. Tried to deny again. Then stopped. Said He would never have read my email. I told him "she is the reason you will not work on us. You can't love both." Then he just left.

I called the OW. She is dating and according to her not interested in him. (Her emails are leading him on). She said He told me you might call. Said she would have called a month ago if it was he. THen said I just need to face it he's unhappy and has been for a while. He tells her everything and I need to know he is just done. And he hates that I have talked to his/our friends.

So now it's not a secert. I have some peace since it's all out in the open.

But Major LBs all over the place.

Im not sure I did the right thing for the long term.
How this will affect our future?
I don't know what to do next? Plan A?Plan B? Give up?
I just know I hurt.

Sorry no one has answered you. I'm no expert and I just try to bump up this thread so others can see it.

I don't think you are doing the wrong thing. Your husband is in denial but you have to let him know that you know th truth. My W reacted in the same way. I told her about e-mails I had read, were they taked about SF and how much they loved each other and yet she claimed they were only friends and that nothing happened, yeah right! Still I kept confronting her with every new piece of information I got untill eventually she cracked and admited an A, she only admited that they were PA when I asked her an indirect question. Instead of asking did you sleep with him I asked did you used a condom and she said yes. Strange no?
Right now they will hate anything that you do to end the A. Spying, exposure, contanting OP are all very unpleasant things the the WS but they need to be done to end the A. So keep on going and wait for more advice.


PS: Get tested for all STD and go to a doctor and se if you should get on antidepressants.

Faith, has the affair been exposed to all key people, such as close family and friends? I would also strongly suggest exposing them at work. That will put huge pressure on the affair to end. I would not contact the OW again, as she is probably toying with your H and doesn't care about the damage she is causing. I would, however, try to find out who her parents are if she is under 30 and look into exposing to them.

In the meantime, please read up on Plan A and just do the best Plan A you can. Stay away from any relationship talk with your H and don't be talking about divorce.

What happened in your marriage that has led to all this? What was the state of the marriage before the affair? Why is he so disillusioned with your marriage?

Faith, I went back and read your other posts and I think that your main focus should be on attracting him back to you. I would put off exposing them at work since it looks like this is an infatuation on his part, so I withdraw my suggestion to expose them at work.

I would run to the bookstore and get His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters by Willard Harley. [or order off this website] I think with the proper tools you might be able to attract him back.

A couple of key things stick out to me. He said to you that "I won't have you telling me what to do." Does he feel like you push him around? Does he feel respected and admired as a man by you?

Faith-

First of all, he is going to LB all over the place, they do that when they are having an affair. Secondly, that woman may not be sleeping with your husband but she is definitely having an emotional affair with him, which is just as damaging. She's lucky she wasn't talking to me, because I would have gone to her office and strangled her with the phone cord if she told me I needed to realize my H wasn't happy. (Okay maybe I wouldn't have done it, but I would have wanted to, and would have told her in no uncertain terms she better back up off my husband).

Now I have a question.....you said:

He gave you a week?? Did you tell him you were plan Aing him??? It sounds like you did, that was probably a bad idea, he is going to resist the idea that he is part of your *plan*. So, keep plan Aing him and stop telling him what you're doing.

DEFINITELY listen to Mel.....expose at work, it's probable that nothing will come of it, except embarrasment for you husband and the OW, especially if it isn't a physical relationship. Having these special talks with your husband isn't going to be worth it to her if you expose there.

You DID do the right thing exposing to the people you exposed to, now finish it.....make a list of everyone else you need to expose to and do it in one fell swoop.

YES, he's mad, you're messing up his fantasy......he WILL get over it....exposure is part of plan A.

I think you have an excellent chance of deep sixing the affair and working it out with your husband, if it truly is one sided.

You need to show him the grass isn't greener on the other side......that's what Plan A is for, and you can Plan A him without his permission, just start doing nice things for him.

It is really ironic that his #1 need is honesty and being open, because he's NOT. I really doubt that is his number one need....it may be, but I don't think he filled out the EN accurately. I'm not saying he wants to be lied to, I'm just saying I think I'd go to the #2 need and think of it as #1.

Telling him you found the e-mails is going to make him change his password so you can't check it anymore.....so for future reference, you can tell him that you KNOW they are in contact, just don't tell him how......you don't need to PROVE anything to him, he knows it's the truth.

-Caren

How can you be sure that there is not a PA yet?

I agree with Mel for you to continue with PLAN A.

However, I would be on the lookout for evidence of a PA given that he has moved out into his parent's house.

caren,
i agree with you about going to need #2-my husband also said open and honest was number one but i see more that it's #2-recreational companionship because that's what he's getting from her other than SF.

good advice

notsosad & Melody,

Thank God you are here.

I don't think they have had a physical relationship.
Maybe I am in denial. Yes, I went to the doctor 2 day ago.

Melody,
state of marriage:

He hasn't been happy I'm guessing maybe for as much as 2 years but probably one year. I just did not know. I wasn't meeting his ENs. I lost my job and started a new career 9 months ago. Lots of time away from him working and training. I was stressed and miserable at work.

1. I Neglected him.

Very stressful for me. No play time for us. Plus for the first time I had to ask him for money to pay bills. I have always made more money and took care of the finaces.

He says we don't do anything anymore.

2. No recreational companionship (Not on his top 5 ENs?)

We lived in my house before marriage. He never said it bothered him. But I found out last month it did.

At same time my daughter's BF left her sitting on curb with 9 month old baby. She and baby moved in with us for 9 months.
He has never liked her and he doesn't want or like to be around children. She was living at home when we first dated and has caused problems for us when she lived with us before. I love my grand son, didn't want to see them in shelter so I said she could stay.

He said he hates Grandson. They are out of the house now, have been gone 2 weeks after he left. I wanted her gone before then, but that is the fastest we could get it done. She has credit problems since she and BF were evicted. Not to many places would rent to her.She was supposed to move out 2 xs before, but somthing always came up. I should have insisted she go sooner, been stronger, didn't know what it was costing me. Hindsite is always 20/20. No wonder he was frustrated.

He feels my 2 kids have always been more important then He was. And that is the way it should be.
I didn't know that either.

I did not ask him when I told her she could stay.

3. No policy of Joint Agreement.

4. Lastly,I was not meeting his top 2 ENs.

Coversation & Honesty and Openess. Go fiqure.Honesty. How is an affair honest? I didn't even know those were his needs until he did the EN Questionaire last week. OW is very open with him.

We both avoid conflict me more than him, so issues did not get resolved.

State of Marriage for him:

Top ENs not met. Conversation, Openess & Honesty.
Recreational companionship???? wasn't on list but I think it was important. (He says to everyone we don't do anything anymore.)

Felt Neglected.

No policy of joint agreement powerless to resolve issues. He says I ignored his concerns.

State of marriage for me:

Top ENs met.
but several annoying habits he would not change.
tired of no money.
But overall happy and very much in love.

Yes, All key people know. His parents, all of his friends, his boss. Friends and co workers have know for awhile. Most of them Knew before I did. They had been watching him make an A** out of himself for a few months now.

I still would not have known had not one of his friends told me. Of course now he hates them. Says friend is causing trouble. And I am getting the blame for everyone knowing we separted even though they saw what was going on while I was still clueless. Most have expressed their disaproval of the EA and OW to me once they knew I knew, but won't tell him that.

His parents and I were the last to know. They did not know why he would not come home until I told them. Eveything he had told them was wrong I fixed then he would come up with more excuses.

H will not go to counseling.

He told OW He is upset with me for going behind his back to parents and exposing our separation at work.
OW told me thatlast night when she and I talked.

No, she is not under 30. she is about 35-36. Divorced with 2? kids.I know of a 16 year old daughter. I don't even know her last name. H has met her father. H spent 4th of July with OW and family.

I don't know what good plan A is.

I read the articles on it and searched MB and Forum and I am still confused. Can you enlighten me?

How can I plan A if not living together or seeing him? I don't even think he will talk to me now again for awhile.

I was sending cards,leaving him little presents, trying to engage him him conversation about his day and things he likes.

Told about him MB and what I found out about me and us and I believed we could fix this and be better than we were before. I guess that is relationship talk and a
plan A No No???

I brought him cookies at work, suprised him for lunch.

How soon should I try to recontact him? We had a nice week together until last night.

What else is there?

Please help.

Faith

Thanks all, I guess you were all replying as I was typing.

Too late on the not exposing at work. His Friend from work is the one that told me. All there know. Including his boss.

I'm the one that did all the LBs not him.

No I did not tell him I was plan Aing him. I did tell him that if we spent some time together I though we could restore his feelings based on what I learned at MB. That's when he said he would give it a week but if not he wanted to move forward with divorce.

I heard plan should only be done for 3 months???
Is that true? If so when does the 3 months start??
FRom when he left in MAy?? or last night??

I am confused faith, he hates a baby? That sounds like a lame excuse to be angry with you though you are guilty of letting them move in without his permission. Now he has an OW with 2 kids? Do you see it is not really the kids that are the issue but maybe what he sees as lack of respect on your end?

Faithful, yes I do see that. You are right that was the main issue.

However, he has made it very clear that he did not want kids. He can tolerate older kids. His sister just had a baby (1st grandchild for his parents) He will not have anything to do with that child either. He leaves whenever she comes over with baby or hides in another room.

If he spent 4th of July with her family, then there is more going on here than a one-sided infatuation, wouldn't you say?

Can you find out who her parents are and where they live?

How is it that you bore the brunt of paying all the bills? Did he feel like he was a part of your household? Or just along for a free ride?

It's an EA on both sides at the very least. OW is playing you for a fool. Stop the convos with her.

As for him, he is being quite selfish. That's is why he is a WS now. His unhappiness is more his issue than yours.

Work on your plan A and your personal improvements, secure your finances, then proceed to plan B ASAP. Make sure your mind and heart r in sync.

Your children r important. Don't let him take that away from you. He can't be a good H and stepfather as long as he is selfish. In reality if the kids and grandcildren weren't there, it w/b another person or thing he w/b picking on. See it's more about his selfish issues and as long as that is an issue your M won't work. So work on getting yourself emotionally ready to implement plan B.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks again all for being there. Yes he is being selfish now. After all it's all about him right now isn't it??
I still thik I need to plan A but for how long? If i'm right the plan A goal is to leave him with a good impression? Last night impression sure wouldn't be good!
Any sugestions?

No plan A is for you to make improvements to yourself. If he notices that's a side benefit. Once you are done making the improvements (not 100%), enough t/b comfortable with yourself and he is still acting selfish, you mind and heart r in sync, your finances are secured to protect you and your family, then you can go to plan B. Plan B is to protect your love for your H not the WS.

Whether is brings him back or leads to the D, you w/b stronger. You will survive.

Does this make sense?

L.

Orchid and others,
No I guess it doesn't make sense to me. He wants me to plan B and never bother him again. No contact would make him very happy. So why should I do that?

U plan B to protect you. The BS goes through stages. One of then is anger. When you get into that stage, LBing w/b very easy. Plan B is a protective step to protect you.

BTW, don't assume he doesn't want contact. As a WS he will fight wanting you back but the H in him will fight for his life. It is an internal struggle within the WS/H. You can't fight it for him. He has to resolve it himself. What you can do is show him the way back by letting him wonder how you are or what you are up to. Curiosity doesn't kill the cat all the time, in some cases, it brings the spouse back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


L.

Ok I get that but I am not angry with him yet. I'm still in the sad stage. I am strong in my faith in God and that has been sustianing me. I am calm and at peace most of the time.

First you get sad, Then you get mad, Then you get over it.

I remember that from grief counciling.

I so enjoyed spending time with him last week. Now we are back to square one again I think. I don't know since I havn't tried to contact him and see what kind of reaction I get. (I'm going through withdrawl again)

When I should try to contact? I really don't have anything to say to him that hasn't been said before. But I want to continue to plan A and drop by his work on Monday or Tuesday with cookies for him and the guys.

I'm afraid to plan B at this point (out of sight out of mind)

I was thinking about sending him some flowers. I never done that before (he has allergies). I'm just not sure men get the whole flower thing. I neglected him/us for so long(for stupid job)I really want to do nice things for him.

I just don't know if I should call him first or give it time. Since I just exposed what I knew to him a day ago about the EA.

He did change his email password with in an hour and a half after he left.But I expected that.
It only takes him about a half hour to get home. I wonder were he went first? Wasn't to see OW because I was on the phone with her then and she wasn't home.



Still don't know how long I should Plan A for and from when?

Do you plan to reward the WS? If you are, why should he stop the A?

Do you realize how much you are enabling the A?

Can't do much as long as you are in the sad stage. Gotta wait until you progress. Where are you in your plan A changes? Your mind and heart are still not in sync.

L.

Orchid, I guess I still don't grasp the plan A concept. No, I don't want to reward him for being an A$$ and cheating on me, but I don't want to neglect him either like I was when we were together.

I've read the link and reread it. Been on and asked on plan A/B forum. Is it explained better in one of the books? I usually better ar grasping concepts, but I am not sleeping much and have trouble concentrating lately. I am still schocked and confused even though he has been gone 3 months this week end I just figured out what was going on 3 weeks ago.

THanks for any and all help.
Faith