Warning: this is LONG. I just need to get some things off my chest, out in the open, and to think out loud. If anyone knows how to simplify this mess, let me knnow.)

The last year has been tough. Other than the disintegration of my marriage, this has been the most stressful year of my life.

Both children changed schools last year and they both struggled. This year my daughter is in much better shape emotionally. They both will be returning to the schools they went to last year so we won't have new schools to learn. Son has grown up a lot, in many ways, this past year and he will be getting tutoring and won't have to deal with the transitions between types of schools.

In March, my 14yo D was in psychiatric hospital because she was depressed and cutting herself. She is on meds and in lots of therapy and things are going so well. While she was in the hospital, she disclosed that she has been sexually battered by my only sibling's son. Obviously, I am keeping D away from my nephew.

Due to the mandatory reporting of the incident, the state had to be notified. The matter has been turned over to our local police department and a sex crimes detective assigned. He was supposed to meet with the DA last week to discuss the case. I have heard nothing since then. However, the detective wanted to talk with my nephew - away from his parents - before talking to the DA. My BIL teaches where my nephew goes to school so this will be tricky.

You can imagine how hurt and angry with me my sister and her family will be. But their anger should not be directed toward me. I know that. But my D and I will be the logical targets for their feelings. How dare I bring the police and the court system into their lives? Well, how dare my nephew grope and fondle his cousin. Any other girl's parents would do the same thing I've had to do.

However, my sister is my only sibling. And, for D's sake, I have to keep her away from nephew. This really messes up family holidays and celebrations. Christmas, my mom's birthday, Thanksgiving, Easter, all the times we are normally together. I've been making up excuses to not go to their house for 6 months. They seldom come to my house. It's a BIL thing. Wants to be home smoking the meat or rocking in his chair in front of his television.

To make things deeper...for years my BIL has been my chief fixer of things broken. He and some of his agriculture students were supposed to do some landscaping and painting for me during the spring and summer. The plans were tentatively made before D went into the hospital. It hasn't happened yet and it may never happen now.

My mom recently moved from her house into a SR apartment community and she loves it there. Over the last few months - since her move was first considered, the possibility has been discussed of me moving into my mom's house and then receiving that house as my inheritance when mom dies. She is 80 and in excellent health. The house would need a lot of repairs, rewiring, replumbing, central HVAC, the construction of a wall, renovation of at least one bathroom, renovations in kitchen, and a fence, to name the biggies.

Guess who would do many of these repairs for the cost of the supplies? The repairs need to be done whether the house is rented, sold, or transferred to me. That's right, the BIL. If he doesn't do a lot of the work, the costs go up DRAMATICALLY. Fortunately, I can do interior painting. But I can't plumb, wire, replace cabinets, lay tile, install fencing, and other things that will be necessary.

Last night, BIL called me and said we need to talk about the options.

Seems my mother's neighbor wants to rent the house if I don't take it soon. So, we could start renovations in the next few months. After the house is ready and I move into it, I will need to deal with my house. It needs quite a bit of work. Or I can sell it as is. With some work, I could probably sell it for $185,000. Without it, about $160,000. I already have a prospective buyer. A neighbor's daughter wants to buy it - it is across the street from her mother. She doesn't want any other house in the neighborhood - just mine. My pay-off on my mortgage is about $96,000.

So, I am facing seeing my sister's family at the courthouse, possibly. Renovating a house. Moving. Wondering if BIL will actually carry through on plans or if, part way into the first renovation, I will find myself having to switch gears and pay contractors for work. Both children going back to school and I'm wondering just how long x will pay for needed tutoring for son - x thinks he needs 6 weeks of tutoring and I think it will be a year or two. Renovating my house. Moving 2 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog and all the stuff that they take with them. Going through 25 years of accumulated stuff in my house. Wondering if family holidays are finished forever.

I don't know if I can handle all this. I'm stressing out.

Thank goodness for prayer. D has therapist. Son's has just about given up her private practice. I can't get an appt with her. I don't have a therapist. Can't afford the time and costs. Unless I go the EAP route. But I don't really know if I need one.

Life IS an adventure!

If your sister and her husband go off on you about this, they have serious problems. Understandably, they are going to be upset. But they have to understand that this revelation came out in an effort to help your very disturbed daughter. It is not your fault that the state has mandatory reporting requirements.

I would suggest consulting a family therapist to get advice on how to handle this. It will probably be best for all the parents involved (including your ex if possible) to bring this into the open and discuss it in a controlled setting -- that is the therapist drives the process. The up side for the nephew is that, depending on many other factors, all of you handling this in a responsible way that is designed to protect the children and get the nephew some help, may just keep him out of jail and off the list of sexual offenders.

This is tough. Please do not let this forum be the only place you go seeking help. There's too much at stake.

You are so right. My sister and her husband are not likely to agree to any more than minimal court-ordered therapy. Instead of being mad at me/us, they should be grateful he was 15 when this happened instead of 18. As it is, if my daughter's allegations are proven true (and it is going to be a 'he said/she said' matter because there is no forensic proof), he could get probation till he is 18 - a little more than a year - and counseling. Then it could be off his record before he starts applying for college.

x, both children, and I are doing family therapy - together. His wife is invited though she seldom comes. Both children are doing better. I am doing better. Everyone at my house is trying to deal with their issues. As for x, I can't say whether or not he has acknowledge that he might possibly have an issue.

I do have a psychiatrist - thankfully - but 25 minutes a month doesn't do much more than medication management. Children and I are in a program where they are helping us deal with our organizational issues. It's coming along. And I can call D's therapist when needed - frequently ask for a few minutes to deal with the abuse issues. She tells me I'm doing really well handling it and taking care of daughter.

The house stuff is new. The talk has always been nebulous in the past but it's sort of starting to become more real.

Hey, Cinders, how are you? Well, except for being stressed to the gills with all these decisions to make.

I think you'd better plan on BIL doing nothing for you or on your mother's house. I know that's going to be tough, but I think you'd better be prepared.

I wouldn't worry about holidays. Eventually, things will work out. For example, if you nephew gets some help, realizes what he did was wrong, apologizes to your daughter, and then keeps his distance, maybe you can do Christmas. If not, you can adopt families. There are a lot of people who can't get to family for one reason or another. You've always struck me as a "the more the merrier" type.

Do you want to move? If so, can you do the repairs in installments? First the plumbing, next the wiring, finally the floor and paint?

One thing to do is write up scenarios including what your daily life would be like in each case, stay in your house, or move. Also, be honest about how much energy you personally can put into this. Biting off more than you can chew really adds to your stress.

Meanwhile, fill one garbage can a week with stuff that no one wants and no one will ever want. Don't save it thinking you can sell it. If you haven't touched it in three years, and wouldn't spend $15 for it, it's unlikely it will be worth the energy it would take to sell it for $3.

As for the house, could you find a "renter" that would be willing to fix up the house in exchange for reduced rent? You'd need a set up some sort of contract to protect yourself, but many tradesmen have "licensed" friends in the business and they help each other out (I found this out when DH and I did a re-model). It's almost a hobby with some of these people. Perhaps the renter could pay full rent until he finished project "A" with you refunding a partial amount back to him upon project A's completion. Then charge him full rent until he completes project "B," refunding a partial amount back when it's completed. It might be too long a process for you, but I thought I'd mention it. I might try to work it so that if the project was completed early, he got more money back...and if it was completed after the agreed upon deadline, he wouldn't get anything back except the price of materials.

Well,

First, you need to estimate the finances of the entire move so that you can figure out what is feasible and what is not. (my personal trade is as a financial manager, so logically, i think like this) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then, there are options,

One is that the renters rent and the money is saved to do the repairs with the understanding that at a specified time in the future, that the renters will have to move. The money will then be the basis for the repairs.

Another is that you take out a home equity loan, do the repairs coordination yourself, or have your BIL do the coordination, just not the work, if he agrees. might not hurt to ask, and take enough money out to pay for the monthly payment while the repairs are being done. Then sell the existing house, and ose the payoff from that to pay off the home equity mortgage, or at least get it down to a small monthly amount.

If you rent the house, and your mom passes, then the house hoefully is yours, and then you get the rental check. . . but then there is a change in basis from personal property to a business property, and then possibly back. . . or not. . . depending. . .

start slowly and get several financial scenarioes played out on a spread sheet and see which one makes sense.

wiftty

It's all beyond me....to fix two houses up back to back. How much renovating is reasonable...how much isn't. We're talking about real work on a 70-80 year old house. It's a medium sized house in an estblished highly-desired area of town. And then mostly cosmetic work on my 48 year old house.

Eeee chihuahua.

Spread sheets!

Renters!

Ductwork!

Copper of PVC pipes!

Oh my goodness! Oh my gracious!!!

Your royal majesty--may I be of service?

If I could, I would suggest that her highness remember that she is an ENFP and thus may be approaching the projects and decisions from an intuitive, feeling point of view...when what might be wisest is a more sensor, thinker point of view. See, those sensor or thinkers are moreso the "spreadsheet" types and could lay out all the relative facts in a presentable manner.

Thus, as far as gather facts and making decisions about all this remodeling, may I humbly suggest that our princess consider a friend or someone whom she trusts, who is more of a sensor or thinker type, and turn to that person for assistance. Your highness, this is WHY ruling monarchs have advisors and a court--precisely because a WISE ruler knows that one person is a highly scientific, organized type and the other person is the peaceful, loving type.

My princess...you are the "I love people; I use my intuition; I decide with feelings; and I can see four million possibilities" type of ruler, and seeing that many possibilities can be OVERWHELMING. Allow your spreadsheet type advisor to narrow it down to maybe three or four "highly reasonable, high likelihood of occurring, best possible scenario" choices, and then her royal highness can pick from FOUR instead of four million! That's much more doable, isn't it? Trust your advisors and wise council.

Now, regarding your S and BIL, and their DS...this has got to be quite a shock to their family operating system. So far, they may have noticed that their DS has some issues but they have been able to make excuses or ignore it or explain it away as a "phase"...something! Now, they can't ignore it anymore AND external authorities have become involved. The shock is not surprise--the shock is being FORCED to deal with something they were trying desperately to avoid and deny. Sooooo...just like with our ex's you can not MAKE someone do something. They may have to go to at least the minimum court-ordered therapy, but they may also choose to just go through the motions and hate you. On the other hand, the true hope is that they will start therapy somewhat unwillingly and part way through the therapy, they will see the real benefits of facing their issues and really dealing with them instead of avoiding them.

Your royal majesty, please think of them a little bit like a co-dependent family and their drug addict. The drug addict will do almost ANYTHING to avoid having to end their addiction (fight, kick, scream, blame, project, etc.) and their co-dependent family will fight just as hard to avoid having to see their contribution! You have just thrown them into forced rehab! So, even though their reaction may be very painful and sad for you, just remember that a major change like this often involves a lot of pain. Think of it as a birth--there's lots of pain, but the new life is worth it.

Love you, like always!

Your humble lady-in-waiting who's no longer waiting,



FNCJ

Oh, wise Lady-In-Waiting, you are so wise!

I am somewhat dependent on the BIL. This has decreased significantly in the last few years. (He wanted me to get a life and when I did, he got mad.) Have never had a really close relationship with my sister. Haven't seen as much of my niece and nephew as I would have liked although, at this point, that may be a very good thing.

If they get mad at me, their anger is misplaced. I am doing only what I have to do. While this incident may injure their dignity and cause them a certain amount of stigma, it nearly cost me my precious daughter - this was driving a lot of her depression and suicidal ideation last spring. Embarrassing them isn't half as bad as what I've been through.

I think I need to have a T-type person with me when I discuss the house stuff w/ bil and mom soon. They will hear different things to what I would hear. And, I do have a friend who does house renovations who may be able to give me some guidance so I won't be railroaded into a house that doesn't suit my needs. After all, we E/INFPs want people to get along and for everyone to be pretty happy even if it means we sometimes sell out on what we need. (Friend is pretty good at what he does and, if I can get his very creative wife to give me some ideas, I could present their ideas in the planning phase.)

I don't even want to think about the money juggling on this. Pass the aspririn.

I echo the fair Lady-in-Waiting. She came up with the perfect way to say something without saying it. Get some Thinking Sensor type to help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The cool thing is that once you have the yucky spread sheets done, you can day dream what it would be like. Do you want to live in the highly desirable neighborhood? How would that be? Would you suddenly really, really want a low-milage mercedes like Mrs. Jones?

If it's any consolation, I'm continuing to second guess my decision to keep my girls in private school.

Hey, I grew up in that house. Until April of this year, I was in that house several times a week. And when my children are gone, I can sell that house and move on. Yes, I could leave it. It has lots of memories. It's not a fancy house. It's just in a very desirable old neighborhood. 3 houses off the campus of a small, conservative, private college/high school campus that lots of people want to live near. Good neighbors on either side of me. I could be in there in 6-8 months. Safe neighborhood - Low traffic. Great place to walk dog. Not a cut-through street. I could get really excited about it.

If I can get the money to work. For me and for my mom.

Yes they would! If/when they give YOU grief let these words be your mantra!

Good luck on your speadsheet and I wouldn't be hiring your BIL no matter what the case scenario ends up being.

Glad your mom likes her new place! It means so much when an elderly parent is happy about a move! Much less stress!

I have a friend who does some renovations. I can't afford to hire him. And his wife is extremely creative. She is a SAHM but she could really give me some ideas on what to do to maximize this house. Before any plans are in concrete, I plan on asking them to go over the house with me. I don't want to be railroaded into plans I don't like. But I could easily take my own idea and spend $150K on the house. Unrenovated, it's a $300,000 house just because of WHERE it is. I bet the house next to it, where they have done extensive renovations, is a $600,000 house. And the two houses were fairly comparable until the Martins started renovating.

So far BIL and sister are acting like everything is normal. What's with that? I think I will call the detective next week. With school started and dear friend coming to town for the weekend, I don't want to get freaked out. Friend is a Thinker though not a Senser - both parents of friend are ISTJs and my x is so we can probably find enough S to serve us pretty well.

Plan on s and bil and friend and I having dinner Saturday night and tossing this around.

One thing I plan on doing is calling my mortgage company and seeing if they would write me a loan for a lateral move to a new house. I originally had my loan assumed by them when another company sold me following refinancing after my divorce. If I could get a new loan - not refinance where I am, it might be possible for me to buy the house but for my mother to pay for the improvements after I pay her. Then I get the tax breaks, the title, etc.