ozarks, you are completely focused on changing HIM and he knows that.....and likely resents that. Most everything he does ticks you off and does not meet your approval. You have told us that you view sex as a "duty" and I would imagine he knows that too. You must change YOU, and that will take time. It will take time for him to respond to those changes. It took a long time for y'all to detach, it will take time to get back together.

But, I do think a big part of the problem is your focus on changing him. If you worked on developing your own interests he wouldn't feel so pressured to keep you occupied.

Just ask yourself, if I were him, would I want to come home to me?

p.s. go get that Dr Laura book and read it today. I want to see what you think about it.

Boy, you guys are posting faster than I can reply!!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the opportunity to see this problem from a different perspective.

I think I will need counseling - I've tried to change my attitude to "what can I do to make him happy" and I can't. I guess the bulk of the problem is mine. If I can't change my attitude why worry about him? How can I expect him to do what I can't?

Melody, I don't have any help with the kids or opportunity to do anything for myself because we don't have family to help out or money to pay for babysitters. Every time someone at church asks me to do something I always have to ask... will there be childcare? If the answer is no I can't do it.


However, I do have all 3 kids in school for the first time this year and have had one week of this and have been loving the freedom. I've been sewing - an activity I love. And have felt much more relaxed around the kids because I had some free time for myself for really the first time in 9 years!

Hopefully I'll be able to take some of this "emotional refreshment" and channel it into changing my attitude towards my husband.

I will.

And thanks for all of your advice. I love your signature line - even if it hurts...

It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
Ecclesiastes 7:5

DR. LAURA'S BOOK IS A GREAT CHOICE!!!!!

Says a lot of things we might not want to hear.....but need to listen!!!

Ozarks-

I can feel your frustration, and your "taker" is screaming bloody murder from not getting your needs met for so long.

What you must understand is, the only way that you are going to eventually get your needs filled in this particular relationship, is by starting with you.

How about instead of "Have a good time" when he leaves for surfing, you engage him in conversation about it afterwards.

I know that my husband's passion is his 1950 plymouth....I could really care less about cars, but I listen intently when he talks about the things he wants to do with the car, and I have learned enough to have an intelligent car conversation.

As far as admiration, you could say "You know honey, I don't know if I've ever told you this before, but I really admire your ability to surf, it's not an easy sport, and you're so good at it" And leave it at that.....

Also, I suspect he does feel like he's busting his hump providing for the family and feels underappreciated for it, so you could tell him "You know, I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate everything you do to provide for our family."

Little comments like that can start to make the difference. Of course don't pour it on all at once, or he'll be like "Hey!! What's she up to" Just sneak in a comment here and there....like make one today......then make one the day after tommorrow.

Start making the changes....he'll notice, even if he doesn't say anything.

If you keep in mind that by doing these things, your husband is going to start feeling like he wants to come home, that home is pleasant, he will start filling your needs as well.

-Caren

I realize this and that's why I've read Dr. Harley's books and about 10 others. I have made changes - the change in my appearance and how I care for myself being a big one. It's just that none of the changes seem to matter to him.


I've done that. I've asked him how the waves were, did he see anyone there I know. Were there any "kooks" who hogged his waves, etc.

I have tried to comment in a positive light on his surfing. I've told him recently that I think it's a great thing that he and our son go surfing together.

I've done this one almost verbatim. And more than once. I've also told him that I am lucky to be able to be a stay at home mom, that I appreciate all the hard work he does for our family, that I think the boys are lucky that he's their scout leader.


This is the problem. I have made a lot of changes. He just appreciates them and moves on. Still works long hours, still comes home after the kids are in bed. Still wanders around the house completely happy to walk through a room I'm in and say nothing.

I have reduced my angry outbursts. What I need to work on now is the hardest one and that is to say nothing when he gets angry at me or say nothing when he angers me.

I know I need to make more changes but I am getting discouraged because right now I feel like it does not matter what I do, he will just appreciate that I've made his life easier.

Do you not want to make his life easier? Why would you want to begrudge him that? Aren't you demanding that he make your life easier?

ozark, your last post changes the story somewhat and I suspect that you are somewhat resistent to change. You have described a marriage where you admit you lovebust, nitpick, are angry, view sex as a duty and would begrudge him an easy life, yet you describe yourself as the wife of the year in your last post? You tell us all this has not worked?

Now, I don't doubt that you have taken a stab at some of those things, but a stab isn't going to cut it. What is going to have to happen here is an attitude change, not a temporary one, but a permanent one where he not only notices your changes but believes them.

OF COURSE I want to make his life easier. I am not begrudging him that. I'm just saying that I've worked hard at making changes and instead of it causing him to "react in kind to those changes." as you put it, it has had no effect.


I will admit that like most other people, I am resistant to change. But I have made some major changes and hasn't been easy. I didn't come to post here until I had worked months on making changes in my behavior.



Are you telling me that there are marriages where people don't lovebust? Because I aknowledge that "it takes two to tango", because I admit to the fact that I have angry outbursts, does it nullify the fact that I have greatly reduced them and am constantly working on this? Does it mean that my husband's lovebusting is justified? That until I reach the point where I do no lovebusters I have to accept all of my husbands lovebusting behaviors?



Where did I say that I nitpick?



Yes, I do get angry - what am I supposed to feel in response to the neglect? Anger can be constructive if it moves you to find out the cause of the feeling and seek to identify the problem and try to solve it. To the best of my ability, I've tried to do this but it is a RELATIONSHIP problem and I can't do it alone.


We went over 9 months without sex and I was the one who brought up the subject and broke that cycle. There's a lot more in this area that I've been working on but it feels to private to talk about here. I've done this in spite of the fact that like most women (who are more like crockpots than microwaves) I could sure use a bit of affection to get me into the mood. I've done this even when there are no expressions of affection from him UNLESS it is to initiate sex.

I've done all of this in an effort to meet his need and to make him happy.


No, I do NOT begrudge him an easy life. What I meant was that his taker is happy with my efforts.


I've never said I was "wife of the year" or I wouldn't have admitted to the fact that I have lovebusters that need working on as well. What I've said is that I am the only one attempting to work on my lovebusters and I HAVE made significant changes and it's starting to wear me out.

It's funny, a good friend of mine called just yesterday to tell me that I've been on her mind and that she feels sorry for what I'm going through and that she wishes someone would say something to "wake up" my husband and make him see what he is doing to his family. He IS busting his butt to provide for our family and he does deserve my support and I do give it to him but his priorities are 1)work, 2)kids and surfing are tied with surfing winning out often 3) me.


That's why I came to post here. No, it hasn't worked. I was in a deep depression and I took medication and made some serious personal changes and got out of it. There have been HUGE changes in the atmosphere in our house - less yelling at the kids, fewer arguments, a completely re-vamped outward appearance, more sex.


I'm going to get Laura Schlesinger's book and I'm going to work harder on changing my attitude.

I guess that I've gotten the answer to my question - "what if he won't go to counseling". Work harder to eliminate my lovebusters in spite of my empty tank and give up on the selfish hope that he'll respond in kind.

I know there was a touch of martyr in my previous post.

Melody, I AM going to try to work harder on my attitude like you recommended above.

Ozarks-

Okay, your original question of "What if he won't go to therapy".....I'm sure that therapy would benefit you, and if it's important for you that he go to therapy, why don't you try this route. Start going to an individual counselor, for you......and then when you describe your problem odds are that the counselor will more than likely want your husband to come in and talk to him/her too.....do you think he would talk to *your* counselor to help *you*?????

-Caren

ozark, I don't think it's a selfish hope that he respond in kind, but you can't demand it, nor do you have control over him. Therefore your best bet is to attract him back by making yourself and your home attractive to him.

You can't change him, but you can change yourself and that is where it has to start. You have to eliminate lovebusters, control your anger and learn to channel your feelings in a manner that is not destructive to your marriage. He doesn't have to know every feeling that you have, save that for your girlfriends. In short, begin a program of attraction and focus on improving yourself.

What do you think is so magic about counseling? Counseling will not change someone against their will and it sounds like your H is perfectly fine with the set up. You are the one who is not content.

I know you mentioned that your kids will all be in school this year, have you given some thought to getting a part time job doing something that you love? What about exercise?

Yeah, Mel's right......I know you've been trying to show him changes, but are you being consistant?? The proof would be in the proverbial pudding.....know what I mean?

-Caren

BTW, I understand it's hard to change and that you're resistant to it, I was too, and no one is trying to make you into a stepford wife.

Hey....I've got an idea, your husband talked about you not cooking dinner......why not take a cooking class? Then you could be away from the kids for a while, and brush up on your cooking (I love to cook, and I could benefit from one of these)....Just a thought

Yes, he would talk to my counselor to help me.

I see that regardless of any work that I think my husband needs to do, I could use a counselor for me. I'm going to focus on this and drop the idea of his entering counseling for now.

I see that I posted in the wrong forum because the title of this section is infidelity. When I read other people's posts I see that I am lucky not to be dealing with infidelity and I need to focus on my blessings and what I need to change about me.

Thanks for your input.

I will be getting my house organized in the first half of the school year then substitute teaching in the second half. I have a teaching degree and will probably start teaching next year.

That suggestion about excercising may be something that my hubby and I can do together which if we did do in on a consistent basis would be the first recreational activity we've ever enjoyed together.

I'm hoping that we can go for walks together right after I drop off the kids at school. He's expressed an interest in wanting to get back in shape so I'm hopeful about this idea.

Thanks again for your advice - even if it's hard to swallow sometimes.

ozarks, it is perfectly ok to post in here. There are lots of folks who will help you through this.

Wow!! Sounds a bit like my Marriage. I have been trying to get my wife to come with me to counselling for years to no avail. She says that it is not her thing and that if I think she can afford the time for counselling even 2 hours a week on top of all the work associated with 3 kids then I must be dreaming, besides all I have to do is discover a way of dealing with her anger over my mistakes and there would not be a problem. She has agreed to let me attend counselling provided it does not impact on other chores.

I have no idea what to do about it either, I have seen several psychologists who have taught me to manage my feelings and actions and I have read Dr Harley's material several times, but I can not a way ahead without negotiation and mutual therapy.

Any ideas????

WOW - now that's a resurection of an old thread if ever I've seen one. And a fellow Aussie too!!

Why not start a new thread and lay it our for us mate?