Hi, I had a major lovebuster last night.
well my ww and I were 12 days into NC with om, or so I thought.some family members invited us to dinner and drinks at a local resturant. My wife had to work late so I went alone and we all waited for her. We got to the resturant at around 6;30. Everyone was expecting my wife at 7. She called her sister at 7:15 to say she was leaving work soon( 5 minutes away) and I could reach her on her cell (called her sister, not me).At around 8pm I became concerned because she had not shown up. I called her cell at 8pm and no answer. My anxiety level shot way up. The family became concerned and kept asking where she was( they all know about her infedelity). At this point I became angry and embarrased it was now 8:30 and people were ready to leave, but wanted to wait for her. I called her cell again and no answer. At 9:00pm I was really angry and left a nasty cell message stating that she was embarrasing me in front of her family.Right then she walked in. Everyone including myself were under the impression she was sneaking around with om. Events earlier in the week led me to beleive that she was trying to set up a date. Here they are:

On Monday she stated that I would have to get a ride home from her sisters on Saturday from a baby shower in SanFrnacisco (this is where om lives) because she had a cosmetics show to do. I questioned her about it and it seemed fishy.She kept stating that she didn't know if the show was on Friday or Saturday. I insisted that I would drop her off at the show and pick her up no matter what day it was on. I didn't threaten her, I just stated that this would be a step in my trust recovery.She agreed. HMMM. the show mysteriously got cancelled. So friday night my anxiety was already way up.
Anyway I sanpped on her big time. She dissapeared into the bathroom to get the message I left her on her phone. She thought it was the om trying to contact her. She has snuck into public restrooms to call him before. I just lost it.When we got into the car to go home i started confronting her about the suppossed show and the fact that she was tring to make excuses to not have me come to the baby shower. Of course this got me nowhere and the shower is today.I spoke with her this am and apologized for the blow up. She still was speaking ww garble about how she percieved the events leading up to the blow up. she insisted that someone should have called her to tell her not to come if they wanted to leave the resturant. she also insisted that we never waited 2.5 hours for to show up.She also got defensive when I asked her why she would call her sister and not me.

Honestly, this crap has been going on now for 7 weeks. I am so tired and don't know where to go from here. I was plan Aing big time all week and it seemed as if we were making progress, then this happens.
Where to go from here? All the advice I get from her sisters is destructive. Bring home another woman and that will wake her up ect....
I don't know anymore. I just don't feel like I can play this stupid game much longer.NC letters don't work. EN meeting doesn't work. What will work. should I just ask her to leave at this point?

He dude.


Been where you are now and it SUX!!!!
Even so, 7 weeks is like a drop in the bucket. And it will probably get a little worse before it 'slowly' gets better.

Are you in this for the long haul?
Do you want to keep your family together?

If your asnwers are yes then you must do self work and kinda suck it up as far as your wifes actions go.

I am 10 months in and am here to tell you that I am only now starting to feel like my marriage can work out because we BOTH want it to.

I went on for 8 months wrapped up in craziness and ******. Wondering the same things you describe. As far as I can tell there has been NC for only 2 months now. Even so, I am still suspicious because of not being give then NC promise so far.

It has been 10 months of her slowly becoming my friend again and my wife again. It has been 10 months of me slowly correcting myself to be what I truley want to be.

But now, I can honestly say that I love my wife more today than ever before, and her actions say the same thing about her feeling for me.

All of this after several months of her constantly telling me that she was taking the kids and leaving (but never doing so). This includes 3 or 4 false recoveries and lots of sleepless nights and tears from both of us.

By Gods grace this will be the hardest thing you will ever have to go through. Learn everything you can about yourself during this time.

If you want things to work out then you must find a way to get by without making assumtions about what she wants and how fast your recovery will take.

I have seen many folks come back here after 2 years of recovery to report that they FINALLY have what they have always wanted....2 years dude. Like I said 7 weeks is just a drop in the bucket.

Good luck! You can do this if you choose to.

Thanks man. Yes I know it's going to take a long time.And yes I am in it for the long haul. I just can't see throwing away 13 mostly wonderful years because my wife made a mistake that millions of people make and one I could have easily made myself. We spent 13 years (7 married) to build up this wonderful relationship and it crashed and burned in six short months.We don't have children so there is not really a family to hold together except our in-laws. They are really close to us both and don't support the affair at all. They have all confronted her and offered me their support so that helps.
I know deep down that my wife wants to make it work or she would have left already.We seperated for a week ,but that was because she thought it would be easier to see om. The family put that to rest immediately the first time she did not show up at her sisters house (the day before our 7th anniversary)We just started couceling a couple of weeks ago. She admitted that she doesn't trust herself not to try an contact om. This just raised my attenas you know. I am a very sensitive person and my feelings get hurt easily.However for her to admit that shows that she wants help to stop seiing om.
It does suck dude. It's so hard to get om out of my head and not get angry that she is comparing me to him. All the babble and B***S**t are just hard to swallow man. I am able to keep my emoitions in check for a weekat a time and them boom something happens andI lose it.
How do you cope with swallowing your pride and just letting things happen? If she dissapears again to see om I don't know if I could take it. My first instinct would be to throw her out.
Also, I am powerless to put any pressure on om to stop the affair(he is single and has nothing to lose). I can only pressure her and that's when I lose it.I have no waynof contacting om family or friends. As a matter of fact his friend was my friend. Anyway I am rambling. just needed to vent before I went to this family event with her.
Thanks again man. any other advice would be appreciated.

Hi,

Well, u need a plan. Plan A is about you improving yourself and showing her your improvements. WS tend to babble that those changes while good may be not permanent. That's just plain babble and they often don't realize how much effort is put into plan A.

Now r u done with your plan A changes? If so, are your mind and heart in sync so you are ready to go to plan B?

Do you have a calm heart and a clear mind so you can implement a good plan B?

What are your personal boundaries?

L.

I agree with the above. Cake eaters are the toughest sort. They love you and think they love OM. HLRomantic has a current thread which explains the 180 plan. In gives you a set of behaviors which will enable you to win your ww heart back. You can't just Plan A from the hip, moment to moment, it's too emotional. The 180 plan enables you to self focus while you go through this difficult time Post D-Day by prior to actually NC.

You're her husband, father of her children, and she is already trying to break her addiction to OM she's just not all the way there yet. OM is nothing more than a feel good pill to your wife. My WW took several months to fully accept this. He can be replaced by you, however, he can never replace you. As unfair as it is, be patient. You will make it. Read 180 Plan and keep posting.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Sorry to intrude on this thread but can someone tell me what the 180 plan is?

Also, is there a place where I can learn all of the abbreviations?

Thanks in advance...

Ozarks,

I believe there is a listing of the abbreviations on this site on the "Just found out" board. It is the 2nd thread down.

I'm not savvy at linking yet, however, the 180 plan I saw just yesterday on the HLRomantic Thread regarding withdrawals. Within that thread is a summary of the 180 Plan and actually links to the full plan.

Edit - Here is the 180 Plan link I copied from the HLRomantic Thread. It appears to work as I proofed it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=3&t=000476

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the link I'm reading it now.

Appreciate your research!

kdh, you did good by confronting her about these things, but you just can't do it with lovebusters. I think you must know that she is likely still in the affair, don't you?

Do you have access to her cell phone bill?


I like the way you handled this, kdh. You knew what was happening and you addressed it.

Yes I know she is stil in the affair. Yes I read the cell bills every month online.OM cell# is all over it.She sneaks into bathrooms while we are out together to contact him. Her juvenial behaviors are just getting to be too much.I am feeling like I wish she would move out again and stay gone.Her sister even stated that she will not stop seeing him until he dumps her.I don't know that I can put up with this crap that much longer.

Are you paying the cell phone bill?

If you are ... cancel it.

That could be a boundary for you .... NONE of the family monies goes toward enabling the infidelity. ZERO. When you determine that some family resources are being misused in this way ... cancel or block the leak.

If it's a credit card being used... cancel. Make her adultery non-supportable by family funds.

Another boundary could be NO calling OM from your home or your car, or the back yard .... anything having to do with the infidelity/adultery is STRICTLY OFF LIMITS anywhere the family lives/plays.

If WW goes into the bathroom and takes her cell with her ... knock on the door and ask her to hand you the phone, or leave the family property to conduct adultery business.

~~~~~ and a piece of advice~~~~~

NEVER refer to OM by his first name alone .... refer to him as "the adulteror {name}"

When speaking to your WW about her affair ... don't call it an "affair" ... which has been romanticized by the culture.

Refer to this as either

infidelity

or

adultery

both sufficiently dirty sounding so as not to romanticize the ugly thing that it is.

Have you considered having a meeting with him and asking him what his intentions are with your W? Steve Harley once recommended this to one of our forum members and it had a huge effect on the OM. It gave him a chance to put a human face to the person he was harming and sent a message to him that he was very serious.

kdh, what was your W's reasoning for coming back home?

You are NOT without resources to 'motivate' OM to leave your W alone.

Be creative.

Show up where he works ... at the busiest time of the day ... and in front of many many witnesses ... confront him.

suggested theme of confrontation:

"STAY AWAY from MY wife. You are contributing to the downfall of a beautiful and wonderful woman ... MY WIFE.

Keep away from HER ... We are married.

You hear me?

Adultery is messy business .... and I am sick and tired of having your mess come into MY family life.

Keep away.

Do you have a problem with that?"

Then go up to him, shake his hand ~firmly~ and say ...

"Can I have YOUR WORD of HONOR as a MAN ... you will stay away from MY WIFE?"

~~~~~~~~

Yep ... you do have resources alright! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PS .... and if you do this ... bring along a buddy with a camcorder.

Make this all about protecting your wife from a predator!

Get it?

YOU become the hero .... keeping the 'wolf' from entering your home.

I hear you but that is a bad idea for me. I would love to confront him, but I don't trust myself not to get violent. This guy is not worth jail time to me.I think I know where he works. I have called him but he won't pick up or return my calls. He is a coward. He has a live in girlfriend and is a cake eater like my ww.

kdh, gotcha. That is good that you know your limitations. I couldn't do it myself without opening up a can of serious whoopass.

Have you spoken to the GF? Can you find out who his parents are?

You two are so funny .... OK I get that this is not your style.

I would ~totally~ be able to do this .... make it work , ~and~ enjoy it at the same time .... It's the theater-part of me, prolly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Mel ... expose to Girlfriend ~everytime~ there is contact between them.