I am at a discouraging moment I guess. I wonder if any one here has managed to win back their mates love? My husband was in the affair for nearly 2 years. Of course I suspected and begged him many times to tell me. He denied it. It is really against his personality to have done this. He was just so misserable and lonely. I was a horrible wife for him. Now he is in love with her. Their being apart isn't helping. He sees her continuously from the spot on the line that he works. Granted it is from a far.<P>I am just getting so down trotted I wondered if anyone was able to see a turn around in their mate in the "In Love" department. He loves me but isn't in love with me. Yuk <P>I am trying to rely on my faith in God but, lately that is getting hard too.<P>So...does any one have any encouraging words? I sure hope so. I read here were people are still devestated after a year. <P>I pray everyone has a good day.

Samantha<BR>Although I am not feeling very lucky right now I know that I am. I want to tell you there is hope!!<BR>I discovered My H's affair Dec. 20. The actual affair was only 1 1/2 - 2 months at that point but their secret friendship had been going on for years. <BR>I spent two months depositing love units, avoiding anger etc. and my H still would not say he loved me or that I could be the only woman in his life. The affair continued through those months. I think he really began to heal in early March. Although there have been major problems since then, he is a totally different man.<BR>I can't count the number of times I hear "I Love You" in a day. He is constantly asking if I need a hug.<BR>Mother's day was a major lovebuster day. I cried all day, he tried to help and talk. At the end of the day I made some reference to the time that he didn't love me and he said "I never didn't love you." Really bad grammar, but it was the most wonderful thing that I have heard in my life. I'm scared to death of believing in this but when he said that I started some major healing. Silly that something like that could be a breakthrough but it was.<BR>What I'm trying to say is You can do it too. My H tells me now that I'm the one who made him feel wanted, adequate, attractive, not her. He said he was looking for something in the wrong place. My H has never talked about his feelings but despite the Lovebusters, those Love Units seem to have worked. <BR>Believe in yourelf. You can make a difference and it won't necesarily take a year. There is Hope!!!

You said you were "a horrible wife" for him. Have you stopped the habits that make you feel that way? Have you tried to meet his needs where you feel you fell short? That is a start.

Dear Wasstubborn,<P>Thank you so very much for your reply. I think I am getting addicted to these post. <P>You have helped give me hope. His unwillingness to give up this OW emotionally is what is killing me. The fact that he see's her everyday is killing me too. Even if he isn't envolved with her right now.<P>I believe what he tells me. I have to. I have no other option. When I read all the posts here about the mates continuing to see the OP it makes me wonder if I am being a fool. I think not. My husband is not a liar by nature or a cheat. He is a wonderful man (although a bit self centered) who made a bad choice after years of feeling he didn't really have a wife even though he was married.<P>I am so happy about the success you have experienced this far and will pray that your success keeps going.<P>I wish my husband was more hopeful...Some day some way!!!!<P>Thanks for responding.<P>------------------<BR>Samantha

Dear Janie,<P>Yes I have stopped the bad habits and have developed and contiue to try every single day to become more of the wife he needs. He says everything is perfect now and he just can't understand why he can't capture the feelings for me that a man should have for a wife. He thinks we may need to seperate so that he can see if he misses me. <P>I am not ready to do that yet. I will never be new to him like she is. He won't get butterflies in his stomach for me after 17 years...there is not much new to discover about me.<P>I am now making very conscious efforts to fill all his needs. I even am enjoying it. Which is suprising to me too! <P>I love him with all my heart...I am a healed woman and just want to be back in his heart.<P>Thanks for responding...God bless,<P>------------------<BR>Samantha

Samantha,<BR>My W told me in Jun '96 that she is "in love" with a married co-worker, she still feels that way. We have been together all this time and i have tried everthing I know of to "win" her back and all I have seemed to accomplish is her distain. I still believe however that she married the right person. I wish I had better news, I do believe also that you will know when enough is enough. It is almost impossible (for me anyway) to keep positive and to perform well at anything during this time but what people have told me is to spend the time on yourself, to become the person you want to be and to relax<BR>.If you believe in God, keep praying, if you don't beleive, investigate Him and start praying....<BR>mkn

Yes Samantha,<P>My wife has done a big about-face in the love department. This past November she was completely unwilling to do anything to help our marriage and, or course, having an affair.<P>Today she claims that (and generally acts like) she is more in love with me than she ever has been. I carried out a very well planned and executed 'Plan A' and it works and will continue to work.<P>Not that things are perfect, of course, there is a long road ahead of us, but it can work.<P>Richard

Hi all,<P>Last night my husband told me that he is more in love with the OW than ever. That the absence of being able to spend time with her is making his longing worse.<P>He also told me that he hadn't been in love with me for many years...over five. (God did that hurt. ) It make me angry as well. Why didn't he tell me. Because of the children (2 mine from previous marriage, 1 ours mutually). Also to protect me. He thought he could deal with it. <P>He really seems to love this OW. I think in some ways his memories are a bit screwed up. He has a really bad memory anyway. <P>He says he wasn't in love with me on our 10th aniversary which was 5 years ago.<P>He isn't trying to hurt me. I pull much of this information from him.<P>He says he does love me. He just isn't in love with me. I am so confussed. <P>You are all right about it only being 10 weeks. I just see things getting worse instead of better. He feels better about how things are at home now that I have made changes but, his feelings for is Lady Love seem to be getting stronger.<P>He says this isn't about her, but I say that it is at least half about her now. He says I am now the perfect wife. He can't figure out why he isn't falling in love with me.<P>He also told me last night that if I had a boyfriend or at least he thought of it doesn't bother him. The knife keeps twisting. <P>Any suggestions?<BR>(Besides patience. )<BR><P>------------------<BR>Samantha

My H had an emotional affair with a co-worker. I only found out about it recently after lots of probing. I know how you are feeling, I feel that although things have got a bit better between us, there is still a lot more that he isn't willing to tell me. H also said it was to protect me from pain on knowing the truth, although when most of it eventually came out it was worst that any other pain you could go through. I honestly was edging towards a nervous breakdown, I would travel to work only to reach the door and have to drive home again in floods of tears. Until I found this site I thought that nobody was going through what I was. I still have a long long way to go. My H is going through the withdrawal bit at the minute and has stopped all contact with the OW. At least that's what he says and I guess I have to belief him. Although there are loads of doubts, I want him to tell me everything. He says I wasn't there for him for a lot time, we have been married 12 years/2 kids and that he found that he was getting closer and closer to this OW in work. He could confide in her and the attraction grew from that. I don't know if he still see's her but he's willing to make a go of our marriage. He's went through the 'understanding what life is all about' bit.<BR>God, my story is so similar to all of you out there. A selfish H just thinking of his own needs. What about me, working full-time, 2 kids etc and having to be superwoman wife to him, to cater for his fragile emotional needs, nothing has ever been mentioned about my needs, ah well, I guess I should be grateful for small mercies, he's trying I guess!!! H also refuses to see this as a problem, he says I am the one with a problem because I won't let go, its easy for him, but this is all new to me. Chin up, we can all stick together!!!

So how do you ever find out how involved H is with the OW? I know he used to talk to her all the time, and then he started to talk to me after he told me about "his friend". He said she helped him work through things so he could then talk to me. Now he says he hardly ever talks to her, but I know just a couple weeks ago he went out to dinner with her. I want to believe him, but I don't know that I can.

Dear Samantha,<P>Your husband and you maybe had some problems before he found himself in a relationship with the OW. But those problems are being addressed, and you are getting the acknowledgment from him that you are more of the wife that he needed. He is also trying to be honest with you. He also states he is committed to restoring the marriage.<P>But by seeing her from afar, his fantasy is being fed. It would be wonderful if he could get that transfer to Colorado, and we need to pray for that. But, there are some things that maybe need to be done to help him feel that "in love" feeling again.<P>The affair was based on dishonesty and passion. The marriage is based on reality love, and commitment. If the affair had ran it's course, it would have left him feeling out of love. Thank God it ended before now, so that you wouldn't have ended up divorced. But there still is a lot of work required here. He is willing, so feel hopeful.<P>Start using those Positive Confessions about your marriage. Call those things that aren't as if they are. <P>Keep up the praying, your prayers are being heard, and I've seen your prayers answered. <P>Also, try to limit your conversations about the OW with husband - to maybe every 9 or 10 days? Because, maybe by you discussing the affair so much it is keeping it alive in his mind.<P>God Bless!<BR>