My wife & I have been married for 25 years. 6 years ago I found out she was having an affair. When I confronted her she said she needed time away from me. She moved out of the house with our youngest son (then 14) and moved into an apartment. She continued the affair for another 2 months then broke it off and came home after being away for 3 months. When she came home we talked and she agreed to never see him again. Our marraiage was strong and I saw nothing going wrong. Then last Summer her dad became very ill and began going downhill, I was with and beside both of them. In Sept. I found out she was seeing him again & when I confronted her she said they were just friends. This caused alot of tension between us. Her father passed away in Nov. and then in Dec. one of our good friends committed suicide. She began distancing herself from me and the children, I kept working to improve our relation. We continued to hold hands, kiss, tell each other "I love you", do things together. She continued to talk and see this guy, for which I ask her not to. Then in May I begin to suspect there is somebody else entering her life. She begins text messaging this guy 400 times in April, 1000 in May, 1500 in June. I don't know what the texts were or what they said, but she refused to stop, like it was an obsession. On our anniversary in May, she did not wish me happy aniversary or even get me a card and we were together the entire weekend. I confronted her about her affair with this new friend on July 16 and she said that they were just very, very good friends. I became agaitated and left the house for a few days. While I was gone we stilled talked, but you could tell in her voice, something was up. We agreed to meet for lunch and she informed me she was not in love with me anymore, that she was still seeing him and wanted a divorce. Being devastated we made small talk about our lives together. I came home but she demanded we sleep in separate rooms. On July 27 she informed me she was moving into a 1 bedroom apartment with him and that she thinks she is in love with him and she said "I may never get this chance again". He is also married for 25 years. The first few days I did all the wrong things trying to win her back and make her change her mind.I text messaged her one time saying"A few weeks ago you would always text me at night when I working to tell me you love me, sweet dreams and to be safe" (Im a firefighter), her reply was "I don't know what to say. the truth will hurt as much as anything. I tried to make my feelings for (his name) go away by saying & texting you with things that weren't true. I tried two make my feelings change. I tried to make myself believe the words I said. You know I have been unhappy for a long time. I truely believe the timing is right. I am so sorry you got hurt in this deal, you are a great guy, someone will be lucky to have you". For the past 2 weeks we have had very little contact with each other (the contact is because we own a restaurant together). She confided to me that she is paying $400.00 a month to him for half the rent and utilities. When I contacted his wife, she is having to pay him $400.00 a month to stay in her own house. I do truely love her and want her back, I'm reading as much as I can about saving the marriage, but how do I get her away from him? This has devastated my family, my sons (2) will not talk to her, her best friend has quit talking her, my mother hates her now and after her father died she no more family on her side to speak of only very distant cousins. My wife is atractive for her age (48) and much better looking than his, he now eats & drinks free in our restaurant, the 2 wifes pay for the apartment, my wife furnished the apartment from our home, he has nothing to lose, she has everything to lose. Please help guide me, sincerely lost, confused, crying, missing and wanting my wife back!

Your W sounds like my H.
It's good that you're here.
There are many wise and wonderful people to help. I would let some of the experienced people answer your post.
Just wanted you to know that we are here and someone cares.

Faith05

Do you think I should give her the pamplet, "31 reasons to stop an affair" by www.affairrecovery.com or wait. Should I give her a plan A now? or just sit back and wait in Plan B and hope they break apart evenually?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I would suggest you post in General Questions, also. There is more traffic on that board than here. Also, weekends tend to be slower for responses.

In my opinion, I think you need to go to plan B. I ,also, think you need to meet with an attorney to see how you can protect your share of the maritial assetts.

I am not familiar with the pamphlet you talk about so have no opinion on that.

Vaya Con Dios,
Gordon

dencaptg

Can you call Jennifer C @ MB for a plan? A plan to help you. Right now you can't have your W back. She is a WS and her family is not important to her right now.

Make sure you read Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs. Cut off all financial support that is being used to fuel the A.

Get your immediate support group going (this includes your children). Secure your finances so they are not tapped by the WS. Get your mind and heart in sync so you can move forward. Right now complete your plan A changes (if you have any to do), then put together a plan B letter and plan (Jennifer can help you do this).

take care,
L.

who's jennifer and yes I could realy use her help. 27 years as a career firefighter never did I have to cope with the stress thats going on now. I use to love going to work now its hard to even get out of bed even though I do not sleep. In 2 weeks its is her 49 birthday, last year besides everything else I did she got 48 red roses from me, everyone at the sports bar/restaurant were so jealous of her. I often laugh with her or use too about her wedding ring. It was small when we first got married, but over 25 years I kept upgrading it, now I call it my H2. Thats how much its worth. I know thats only monetary but thats only one way I showed my love. Well sorry to troublr you, ? know anyone that would like to go to the Denver Bronco game next Sat. , I have an extra ticket.

Jennifer is Dr. W. Harley's daughter. Along with her, her brother Steve Harley are both counselors.

Here's the link: MB counseling phone info.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are a pretty thoughtful guy. Your Ws sounds very selfish right now. In order to prevent you from losing everything, I think you need a plan. Call Jennifer C. @ MB.

Hope this helps.

L.

dencaptg,

Well, let's get down to business shall we? First read the articles on this site. Next go buy two books: His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair both by Harley. They will help you get your feet on the ground. There are some other books that will help you as well as you move along this.

Next, secure your finances as it seems this guy is pretty much a mooch. Next learn about Plan A, and plan B on this site as well as "love busters" you will understand when you read them.

So the first thing to do is expose the A. It sounds as if you have done this. Next get into plan A, but no begging, just meet her needs as you can. But, plan on going into plan B, so read about it, learn about it. It is not what most people think. It is to preserve your love for your W by ceasing all contact with her.

You need to settle in for a long fight, I would strongly suggest counseling for you if only to have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of. Your clergyman/woman would be good. If you seek a marriage counselor, search carefully there are many that are NOT pro-marriage. I know it doesn't make any sense but that seems to be the situation in that industry.

I don't think you should send your W an information. It is called "educating" her and right now in the "fog" of the affair that will only be seen as you trying to "control" her. You will here a lot of stuff, believe NONE of it. It will start with the "I love you but I am not in love with you." statements. There is a whole list of them around here and the WS's seems to read from the same script. It has been recommended that you talk to either Steve or Jennifer Harley, they are the adult children of Dr. Harley and are well trained and VERY experienced with this sort of thing. Spend the money, it will be cheaper than a divorce, and surely another H2. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, keep posting, ask lots of questions and do your reading. You will learn an awful lot about this mess she has created and how much of it seems to follow a pattern.

God Bless,

JL

she just text messaged me and this it what it said ( I have not talked to her in a week). "I hope someday we can be friends again, you were always a good friend. I think we could have fun hanging out. But you have to get past the path I took. I don't want anyone to hate me. I wish I could help everyone understand." what do I say or do I even respond?

You don't. Let her wonder......

BTW, her words show she wants to lessen her guilt. Do you think she should.....at your expense?

L.

ive got the books and know working on my plan A. I think a plan A for her is worthless because shes already moved in with him. What type of Plan B letter should I send her? She is very stubborn and with the letter she will probally become more intense on making her "new life" with him work to show me and everybody else she made the right choice. There is only a couple of male loser friends of hers that are telling her she made the right choice to leave me for him. Ive tried to get an appointment with steve but no luck yet.

Say "would a friend do to me what you did and still call themselves a friend??" She just wants to make this easier for herself and justify that it was all worth it if you all becames friends. Just think of all the cookouts and family events you can share... Her,her lover with you and the kids all getting along!! You don't have to make this easier on her, its apparent this is her achilles heal!!! She will have to continue to weigh the OM versus your history/friendship and the love/respect of her children!! In the end if played right, the OM doesn't have a chance.

dencapg,

Step back a second and really look at this. You are getting a front seat view of the "fog". IF she really did not want to be married to you she would have filed for divorce. She has not because while she is having the excitement of the affair, she wants you as a back up.

She won't admit this, but it is very clear that is what is going on otherwise, she would have filed for divorce. Further, she is losing her family, and friends via this so she MUST justify her behavior or she would go completely nuts.

So what you do is plan A when you can. Be pleasant, no LB's, etc. But, I am thinking that plan B is going to have to come. Then OM has to meet ALL of her needs and since he isn't much she will begin to see this. It takes awhile for an A to fail, but I think this one will.

So start by using plan A, when you feel the love for her start to decline you MUST go to plan B or you won't have enough love to rebuild the marriage if she does come back because recovery is rough as you know. So go see a lawyer, find out how to protect yourself, if separation is allowed in your state look into that, and get set for Plan B.

It is not unusual for plan A to not end the affair, but it is very useful in planting the seeds that will germinate later once the A is over. I would also suggest that you really look carefully at your marriage. This is her second affair...something is clearly wrong. It may be you LB'ing. It may be her going through MLC coupled with the losses in her family. It is hard to tell but we are seeing a pattern here aren't we?

Do YOUR homework, don't worry about her, and for the record you don't need friends like her right now.

God Bless,
JL

Please see my Plan B letter and offer suggestions, comments, etc., it is under General II - "Need Help"