Pritty straight forword I guess,
Does anyone else feel that what has happened in their marriage has changed their prospective on their WS forever?
Will it really ever get better, or will we simply cope with what we are left with till the end of our time?
I cannot say that my M is better now than before DDay! I know many vets do and I wish I knew your secret.
Am I doing something wrong or am I hopeless in this matter?
It was the line in the sand that i always warned my wife about. Do you think I have other issues regarding this, or am I typical?
I dont know whether to try to start IC again or not?
NOTHING SEEMS TO HELP!

this must seem very vague, but I don't know where to begin.
I SHOULDN'T be here at 3 years past DDay!!
It's gotta be me somehow!!!!
Jerry

before i met my husband i dated alot ofvery handsome guys. mu hubby isn't the greatest looking guy but i fell for him hard. when my family and friends asked me why i told them

"he makes me feel so loved. I feels safe in his arms. I know he will never hurt me and he will always protect me. with him i can get through anything. He is my rock"

this is why i fell in love with this man. this is why he made so many love bank deposits.

this is why he says he knows things can never be the same for us.why we can never "go back" because i will never see him the same way.

my family has been asking me the same thing but i just tell them that i love him period! i haven't really thought about it until i read your post.

i know i love him...but...will it ever be the same

maybe it won't

am i still willing to try again

yes i am

maybe in time i can feel that way about him again...maybe

Well, I am almost 3 years past D-day, and WH is still with OW. I have no feelings for him, no respect. He is like a man I once knew, but I don't see anything of the man I married in him.

I think that it is especially difficult for men to get through this. Men have such a feeling of something that was theirs being taken away.

Sadly, from the things I've read, you are fairly typical. Most marriages do not go on to be much better than before D-day. Many, many spouses are just doing their time.

Have you spoken to your wife about your feelings?

Know what? .... I have thought about this and re-thought about this ... and I have no secret ....

I had some luck. I had some skill. I had many blessings.

Our successful rebuilt M ....

My H NEVER re-started his A after d-day. Never.

My H went willingly into therapy. Less willingly into AA ... but go he did.

My H apologized to me, my family and even to one of my very special girlfriends..... WITHOUT being asked !!

My H was full of remorse immediately. Even though, he was still foggy as he11 and a sober drunk to boot.

My H did not lay blame on me for his A. He tried that lamely for the first crazy week after d-day ... and nearly got his head removed.

So .... any M that begins recovery with a humble and willing WS ... I think probably has the best chance ....


AND

Recovery that begins with fewer reasons for resentment and insecurity for the BS .... is more likely to recover.... and improve the overall marriage quality.

My H did the heavy-lifting for quite awhile the first 6-8 months of recovery.

I, on the other hand, was a wreck. And although I was plotting my escape from the M the entire time H was rebuilding .... H eventually WON ME OVER .... by his kindness, his persistance, and his hard work of wooing an angry wife.

So .... when a WH like Believer's demonstrates his expectation and his entitlement to [censored] all over his beautiful wife---> and then be welcomed back into her life like some hero ... I have serious doubts that it would ever work.

Sorry ... my view from an excellent recovery position.

One more thing ... at the START of recovery ... my H turned his life back over to God ... and that is probably the main reason we are as happy as we are now.

my H turned his life back over to God ... and that is probably the main reason we are as happy as we are now.
Hmmmmm, think this could be part of the reason.
My ww told me as little as 6 weeks ago, that If I hadn't developed and STD, she would have never told me What had happened between her and OM.
Does this sound anything like policy of "Radical Honesty?"
Therefore, how am I to believe that this was a ONS as opposed to a PA?
All of the signs and signals seem to indicate otherwise.
Why should I believe her?\\
I am very confused. I do not know, or have ever for the last three years, know what I should be doing or not doing,....
What exactly, am I supposed to do ?
Jerry

Part of the clue as to why you don't feel recovered is in your w's statement. She still doesn't get recovery so you can't heal.

Can you call Jennifer @ MB for some phone counseling? Even 3 years later, there's a ways to go in your healing process.

Don't give up, these things take time. They are suppose to.

Hugz,
L.

Jerry,

I’m extremely saddened to know you are still here 3 years post D-day! I have been hoping for the magic pill to and I’m 50 days post D. For me there are some great days, good days and bad days, so we look for the good. The only way I think we are going to move on is with our spouses help, we need closure as much as they do.

I have tried a few times to get my WS to read some of the articles and posting but its been very hard to get accomplished, she is convinced that they all make out the WS to be a very bad person and she told me she can’t deal with any more pain. I on the other hand feel pain is part of the healing process, because with out it they wouldn’t be vested and care. So my latest attempt to get her to read some of the articles and posts is to place them in a directory on our computer and send her a link to read them. So I wrote the following email:

-------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU!

At some point you might want to review some of the stuff I have been reading, I know it has helped me and I’m hopeful some of it can help you. I have spent many hours reading and some writing. All of this helps, which is why I think you should read some of this material.

I placed some of the documents in a folder and gave her a link to the location.

I know we are both committed to our marriage but we need to discuss what has and is happening and what we are going to do next. I want us to be a special couple again and want to feel special, as I know you do.

I know from the bottom of my heart that I want to be married to you! I want my feelings of emptiness and mistrust to fade but need your continued help.


Your Loving,

Husband
-------------------------------------------------


Might be worth a try!

Good luck,

I too would like to hear from some of the vets as to what they did and how their M is better?

I think if the WS is willing put an effort toward rebuilding, the chances are much better. My WH has known about this site for 3 years, but has never read anything here. He was just not interested enough. Pretty much made me realize that he was just not interested enough in the marriage. I moved on without him.

How can one NOT be changed forever? I've experienced many gut-wrenching things in my life (sudden death of my only sibling during our college years), and I've really expected something like this to happen in our marriage eventually. But I don't think I could brace myself for the reality. Still having trouble coming to terms. I must say I don't think I WANT to be the same person I was before this, since that person was not seeing things realistically. I guess I'm moving through all the emotions right now.
(Just found out, no D-day yet, 11 yrs married, 2 great kids)
Best of luck! I'm soaking in all these MB ideas, and trying to incorporate into daily routine.

actually, i've been thinking alot about your question and i've realized that my perspective on my husband has changed forever.

i now see that i took him for granted and that would never happen again.

i also see that he was meeting all of my emotional needs or i would not still love him so much

i see that i was not meeting his needs and showing him that i really do love him.

and finally i see that he is still the person that i want to spend forever with.

my hope now is that his perspective on ME will change forever too.

You will always know that your spouse is and was capable of being untrue and that will never change, but in time, your marriage will bebuild for the better. Time and effort will heal the pain. I can put my awful ordeal into just another reason why we could have and should divorced, but didn't.

I don't think about things as much but it is there. It is just a short thought away from your daily counsciousness of not wanting to think about it. Expressed remorse from your WS is needed, no contact with the OP is crucial, and the slow daily rebuilding of your life happens. Don't forget, as your WS is trying to reconnect with you, they are fighting their feelings of trying to disconnect with their lover. It is difficult for you both, but in time, you can begin the feeling of being whole again.

My FWW told me last night that she would not want to go through the terrible turmoil that we endured again, but she feels our marriage is better than ever at this time. I agree. Forgiveness is a choice and you must accept your FWW as weak, as vulnerable, and as a sinner, just like we all are.

I feel like I am one of the lucky ones on this BB since I was able to save my marriage. Looking back, it would have been much easier to divorce. I could have filed and held my head up high and told everyone that my wife fell in love with another man and had an affair. I am glad I chose the more painful path of fighting hard for the family and the saving of the marriage. My FWW was so deep in the fog and to this date, I do not know why she didn't follow her heart and passion for her OM. I know the threat of further exposure and embarrassment played a big role in her stopping the affair but so many WS's don't stop the affair and they take the next step to further self and family destruction.

Take life one day at a time and in time, you will find the pain subsiding and you will find yourself not even thinking about your time in the deepness of dispair. Good luck.

TooSoon

TA -

I just saw my WH a couple of days ago, but before that it was about 5 months ago. I asked him to stay away. I just don't care to see or talk to him anymore. He is a completely different man, I hardly recognize him.

I don't think I am bitter, because my life is much better now that he is out of it. I am not seeing anyone, because we are still not divorced. But I can hardly wait.

I read the statistics somewhere, and will try to find them again. But only about 11% of marriages get better after an affair. A certain percent seperate, but never divorce, and many just put up with each other. However I think the MB program has much better results.

Your wife's attitude is very common. Often WS's feel that all they need to do is come back to the marriage and that is enough.

TA -

I don't feel bitter, but maybe I come across as bitter. I'm at the point where the things that I respected and loved about my WH are just not there anymore. I feel at peace because I gave him three years to turn around.

As far as getting ready for men, I'm already there. Just waiting until I'm finally divorced. I do have a lot of men friends - workmates, neighbors, acquaintances. My house has always been the place where everyone gathers - probably because I love to cook, and it is a happy and relaxing place.

I have been completely honest with everyone about my what happened in my marriage, and will continue to be. However, I don't think I will ever marry again, but who knows?

As far as your situation, since you have children still in the home, I would give it some more time. But I sincerely hope that you are doing some things to take care of YOU. If your needs are not being met, you will not be able to be a good father and the man you need to be.

Right after D-day I realized that my WH was not going to meet any of my needs. Since then, I started my own business, got a promotion at work, took a ton of classes, etc.

Since you are in this holding pattern, I think it would be good for you too. Work on your marriage, but don't sit around waiting for your wife to wake up. Have another plan in your back pocket.

TA

i know you're venting but i have to ask...are you sure you're doing a good plan a with all that anger in you?

that must be really hard to do.

mine has truely changed - I will never go thru this again if I reach the light at the ned of the tunnel.
My ws tells me he hates when I say im sorry for my part in the failure of the marraige- he gets mad and says it is not you its me! I hate when you say that. I just want you to give me space- you already have your bid in that you love me and I know that, but I have to come back into love to you.
This while he is living with ow and sexing her every night and day and telling me no we arent doing anything - she wants me to make a decision so shes giving me space too- yeah space in the bed!

I feel like I am in a twilight zone episode. where is the remote!

winter

i'm sorry you have to hear those hurtful words. my husband says he hates me and the relationship more everytime i talk about working things out. but he also says he hates himself more too.

as much as it doesn't seem like it-they were hurting when they made this awful, hurtful, and stupid choice and they are still hurting.

sometimes i think they say all of these mean things so that we really will walk away from them...it hurts them even more to have to see what they are doing to us and they don't think they deserve to have someone love them so unconditionally...so again...when we profess our love and willingness to forgive them...it hurts them more

now don't think that i'm excusing what they did or saying they didn't bring this on themselves...i'm not

and i'm not saying that they are hurting as much or more than we are...i don't think ANYTHING could hurt as much as being betrayed and thrown away like this

i'm just saying that we need to understand why they made this choice-what needs were not being met? so that we can forgive easier

and we need to be compassionate so that we can forgive easier

and maybe someday they will be in a place where they can forgive themselves too.