2O,
You have some contribution to this mess, learn from your mistake. You have done almost everything right on the money except kicking him out. Everything else is up to him. Let him get a taste of playing a step dad and get a bit of reality.

-rh-

I haven't called him in a few days. I've been taking care of myself. I'm making his favorite meal today and will drop it off at the restaurant for him later this afternoon. I feel weird making him something nice under these circumstances. I figure doing something nice for him today may cause some turmoil for him tomorrow. He and the OW take their day off together tomorrow and he'll be with her the whole day. (He used to be off on Sundays but changed to accomodate her!)

I feel weird making him something nice under these circumstances.

That's part of what makes Plan A work... they expect you to have one reaction, but you have a different reaction than they expect and it keeps them off-balance. As was posted above, fix yourself up and be looking like a million dollars, appear strong, self-confident and self assured, and you will get his attention.

Remember, no ONE THING you will do in Plan A will make an immediate difference in your WS, but the cumulation of ALL that you do in Plan A make a huge difference.

Hang in there!
SD

2O, Way to go, 2O...that is the kind of thing that will make you attractive in Plan A....

Don't be surprised if he "acts mad" at you for doing that. That probably means that you are getting to him. In my Plan A, I did little things for FWS all the time and he would reject me and act really mad, but I did not love bust him back.

One time he had a tantrum and was cursing everything and everyone. He pushed things off my desk...then he tore out of the driveway and left...then came back in 1/2 hour later. He had not slept or eaten in about 24 hours. He had just worn himself out and finally fell asleep in front of the tv. I quietly made his favorite meal, woke him up...he sat at the table and ate every morsel. It was like living with a two year old, but I cared for him inspite of his fog.

Keep taking care of yourself and Plan A'ing him....you will get through to him.....be patient and keep reading and learning....blessings...ss

OK, I did it! I made WS' favorite pasta, got a cute card and took it to his restaurant. I made sure I looked VERY good. I put on my sexy jeans but they are way too big now! Anyway, so I looked good and walked into the restaurant with a lot of confidence even though inside I was shaking. I greeted the host with a huge smile and introduced myself, stating I was WS' wife. I told him I needed to see my husband. While I waited for a girl to go back to the kitchen to tell him I was there, I told the guy that I needed to give WS something and that I rarely got to see him since he moved in with *****. Then I said, "You do know he is living with your waitress, *****, don't you? Even though he is married to me, he is living with her." I said it with a smile. He acted surprised but I could tell he probably knew what was up. I made sure one of the waitresses was nearby to overhear me. I figured a girl may spread the word a lot better if everyone didn't know already.

The girl who went back to get him tried telling me a lame excuse about why he couldn't come out so I asked if I could go back to the kitchen and she said yes. As I was walking into the kitchen my phone started ringing and it was him. I just kep walking and found him standing in the outside doorway. He looked shocked to see that I had come back to the kitchen. I smiled really big and said hi. He looked shocked. I told him I brought something for him. I had put the container with his lunch inside a shoe box so he couldn't tell what I had. As I started opening the box, I asked him what one of his favorite things was and he answered with the exact meal I had made. I gave him the card and he read it in front of me. He looked at what I had made and told me thank you- it was his favorite and he would definitely eat it.

I have some scratches on my hand from a silly grocery-carrying insident. He noticed them right away and asked how I got them. I told him and he looked at my hand to make sure I was OK. I proceeded to be very upbeat, updating him on my work and family and asking him how he was. He noticed how good I looked and told me so. I told him I realized the mistakes I had made and was reading books and getting help from friends over the Internet on how to improve myself so I can learn from my mistakes and be the best person I can be.

All of a sudden he started crying. Not just a little- he was REALLY crying. He ducked in the bathroom and tried to close the door so I couldn't come in. I followed him in and closed the door behind me. I just held him tight and told him I didn't want him to be sad. I wanted him to be happy. I helped him clean up his face and hugged him again.

We went back out and talked a little more. I got the feeling things were not going well for him and he wasn't happy in his new situation. I told him I felt bad about making him move all of his belongings out of our apartment so quickly. I reminded him he knew our staorage combination in the basement if he decided he needed to start moving things back in.

I told him I taught myself enough of his native language to call his mom and talk to her to get advice. He seemed very impressed I worked so hard to learn what to say and call all by myself.

Then I told him I was going out of town this weekend for a fun weekend getaway with my mom. I told him about our neighbors who said they missed seeing him and wondered where he was.

I looked at my watch and told him I had to get to work. I smiled and gave him a quick kiss good-bye.

As I walked through the restaurant to leave, I noticed 2 waitresses with their backs turned to me, leaning over the bar. I think one of them was the OW. I didn't approach them and they never turned to look in my direction. I walked out with my head held high, telling the host thank you and have a wonderful day.

After leaving, I felt on top of the world. I had expected him to get angry with me or treat me coldly. I was very surprised by his reaction. He may be angry now if he found out I told some of the co-workers about the situation.

Now, I'm starting to crash a little. I'm not the most patient person and am wondering how long it will take for him to decide to come back if he ever does. Now, I'm trying to figure out what my next kind gesture should be. I guess I'll stay away from him for a few days and plan my next move. Any ideas are welcome.

It sounds like you did an excellent job. That must have been very, very difficult. But it will remain in his memory. He will start wondering if he is doing the right thing. Hang in there, and keep it up.

2o, you are my here! Read my story under Just Found Out>Why, God, Why, and you’ll see that there are a few similarities. My wife is also from a country where infidelity is common and her A was also with someone from her native country. She has left me and returned to her country while I finish my contract in Korea. Although her A is over (not her choice. He dumped her once he found out about me), I must return to her country in three weeks to begin my plan A. I only hope I can muster up the courage that you have shown. My prayers are with you, my dear. I hope I can hold my head up high the way you did when you walked into that restaurant. I hope I can fight as you are. The time I wait this out is really killing me, but your last post gives me hope.

God bless your marriage!

Way to go, 2 op, you just made a huge deposit in his LB$, and if it was the OW standing there, you can bet she uttered a few Love Buster's to your WH after you left, making you look doubly good! Well done.

Next...??? Perhaps a nice card... No "I love you's", but something to someone "special" with tickets to something he loves to attend, with you at his side. Concert? Races? Comedy Club? Use your imagination. What did he like to do when you were just dating? YOu know him far better than the OW. Don't make it an extravaganza, just something simple for you two to attend, reminding him of "how you two used to be". Play it cool, and no relationship talk....just a really fun time. More huge deposits in his Love Bank.

Just a suggestion...

SD

Be patient ... A started 5 months ago and decision to do it probably way before that. There is no quick fix. Focus on what you have done wrong in M and show it to WH that thing would be different if WH would change to H and work on M.

I would make him guessing ... look good, feel good ... w/o him. Give him a bit info only and let him chase you.

The grass on the the other fence might be greener but it doesn't taste as good as it seems <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> . LOL!

Be strong girl. -rh-

You guys make me feel so good about myself! Just when I feel like I'm falling down again, yet more amazing people I don't know reach out and pick me up!

Mike: I can't believe I'm giving hope to someone else! I read your story and feel for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. The hardest part about seeing him was that all I wanted to do was to grab him, take him home with me and beg him to stay. That's where I went wrong the first few weeks. I was either crying and begging him to stay or when he didn't react to that, yelling at him about how much he hurt me and how he had messed everything up. Then, I started thinking about all the pressures he has had in the last year and tried to understand the state of mind he was/is in which led to his horrible choice. I realized I had made many of my own mistakes and I needed to learn how to keep from making them again. The cultural differences definitely add challenge to an already challenging situation.

these are such wonderful plan A ideas!!

right now my husband would not want me to be the person he takes with him to any of these events and the tickets would feel like "pressure to take me not someone else" so i'm looking for some other ideas

but in this situation....it's a great idea!!

Up to now my mom was the only family member who was understanding about what I am going through. Everyone else basically hates my WS for what he is doing and wants me to rush a divorce and move on with my life. Now my mom is pushing me to do the same. She and I were going to go away this weekend so I could get away from things and also to allow me to confide things to her I haven't felt comfortable telling her in the past. Now, that trip is cancelled. Everyone in my family thinks I am destroying my life by holding on to hope that my WS will return to me. They think I'm an idiot for wanting him back when he is now living with the OW. No one in my family has gone through this so they don't understand. I don't have a lot of friends to turn to so my family is all I have.

I'm afraid what I am doing will cause me to lose a family that is near and dear to me. I also realize a lot of the personal problems I have are because I try so hard to be the person I think my family wants me to be instead of being the person that makes ME happy. Another problem is that I am hurting so much financially right now and my family can help me but only if I'm willing to forget about WS. So much stress!!!

I just want WS to come back to me. I want to move to another city with him and start our lives over again. I told him I am willing to try and sell my business to recoup my start-up costs and move away. I asked him what he wants and he just says,"I don't know."

I'm getting so much pressure to move on and WS is not giving me any hope at this point. Everyone I know is telling me it is ridiculous to wait for him or contact him in any way. I haven't told them about going to see him. I just said I've talked to him. I told them not to worry about me because I have found great resources and books to help me get through this. They think it's silly for me to trust anyone I talk to or read about on the Internet. They say they know me best and have a vested interest in me and I should listen to them- not people who don't know me or have a vested interest in my life. I'm getting VERY confused and aggravated.

Who out there can relate and how have you dealt with these issues?

I will only be online for about 25 more minutes, then I'm off to work. Anyone have any thoughts on this before I go?

2Opt-

YIPPEEEE!!!! You go girl!!! Great work taking his favorite meal to the restaurant.....you see, you being so kind and loving is going to make him start doubting if what he's doing is right.......and the OW is going to rip his head off about it.....GOOD WORK!!!!!!!!!

I'm so proud,

-Caren

2O,

Come on now!!

""I'm afraid what I am doing will cause me to lose a family that is near and dear to me."" You know that won't happen.

Did they have a high regard for him before the A and move out?

That was so cool visiting him at the restaurant and him breaking down in your arms. HE LOVES YOU!! And is sooo sad he is in this pickle.

I'm sure the OW from his country with the 2 kids needs a man and meal ticket desparately. So I am sure she stopped at NOTHING to get under his skin. But now the bloom is off the rose.

Aaaannnnnnd now is he regretting his actions? You betchya, but still must keep OW happy so HE can keep his sanity while he is living with her. And I suspect he does have some pride too.

Doesn't he still receive mail at your place? Or did he change his mailing address already? You can always drop off the mail to him.

I'm curious to know how old the kids are. Young enough to bug the heck out of him or old enough to dispise him for moving in with their mom?

Stay strong and take care of you!

k

My family thought I was settling when I married him because they have extremely high standards for me. They believed he was a sweet and good person, though, but now that feeling is gone. They never really allowed themselves to get too attached to him although they accepted him.

The kids are around 3 and 5. Those ages would begin to bug most people but my WH adores children and gre up the 3rd oldest in a family with 11 children so, unfortunately, he is used to the chaos.

He doesn't get any mail at our apartment so no luck there. I got a cute card for him today and sent it in the mail to the restaurant. Hpefully, he will receive it tomorrow. I wrote a nice note that said nothing about relationship stuff- just that life was too short to spend being sad. I told him about a new movie coming out that I thought he would really like and suggested he take his favorite movie-watching buddy - me - with him to see it. I made a gift certificate on the computer entitling him to one day or evening at the movies with me. I wrote in funny disclaimers in the small print like "offer only good with the lovely Mrs. ********", "no serious discussions or sad conversations allowed", and "good for a fun and happy time only".

The only problem is after I had the huge argument with my mom on the phone today, I called him. I didn't cry or tell him I was suffering. I just told him about how I was working on myself and asked why he was so sad when I saw him yesterday. He said it was b/c he felt so guilty about everything he had done to me. I told him I was past the anger stage and was understanding that he felt hopeless in our marriage when it happened. I told him I didn't care about money (one of our issues) or having a prestigious job. I realized the most important thing to me is to enjoy everyday of my life because I don't know how long I will have it and that I wanted to enjoy it with him by my side. He said he was confused and doesn't know what he wants. I asked him if he would come to our apartment tomorrow to see me so I could fix a back problem he is having (part of my profession). It's been bothering him since he no longer has me to take care of it. He said he would think about it and call me in the morning. I doubt he'll call but am very hopeful.

I asked him if he would be open to talking to a counselor. He didn't say no but didn't sound very eager either. He never even goes to a regular doctor so I'm not sure he'd go to a counselor. I called a counseling referral service in my area this afternoon and explained the situation. They will call me tomorrow with counselors they recommend for me.

The stress of my family and few friends being so disappointed in me is making this difficult situation 100 x harder to deal with. I'm just so happy I can post here for encouragement. I hope I can get through this and help others.

2o ... avoid talking about R or even push MC to him unless he brought it up.

That is what is so great about this site. Our families and friends always think we are crazy to want to take the WS back. But that is just because they care for us, and don't understand the MB program. Don't let it get you down.

2O, It sounds as if you are continuing with your good work and embracing the principles. I understand about the quandry with your family. Right after D-day, I did not tell them for 2 months; I tried to tough it out by myself. When I finally did tell them, it came out in a rush. I told them all the bad things that had happened to me because I wanted them to hate WS...they did not need any help with that! My family did not want me to be hurt and there is not alot of support for marriages so everyone just said divorce him. I finally had to balance the picture by telling them good stuff along with bad stuff.

It seems as if your WS really misses you. He is confused which means he is struggling with his choices...he has regard for you. Continue to work on you--read, post, etc. I am not sure if you keep a journal, but I found it extremely helpful and still do as I go through this process. Take care of you. ss

2Opt-

You've got him confused!!!! This is a good thing, you want to make him unsure that he's made the right decision, and the little things you are doing for him is going to drive the OW APE$H*T!!! (So much the better).

Does he have ANYTHING left at the apartment??? Clothes or anything??? If so you could laundry/press them and take them neatly on hangers covered in plastic to him.

You know what would be another really killer thing you could do? Go get a collage frame and make copies of those pictures you talked about showing the OW and put them in the frame, and take that to work for him, wrap it up like a present......Or.....you could just send them to him one at a time, in an envelope sprayed with his favorite fragrance that you wear, and send those to his work. Not one a day or anything, just like maybe 1 a week.......anything to break up the fog.

Be creative........the OW will NEVER be his family, she can never have what you have with him, and that's history.

And NOONE knows him better than you do!!!

What are his top 3 Emotional needs??? Work hard on those.....and he wasn't just crying because of everything he's done to you, he's crying because he misses you, and he doesn't understand how you can be so wonderful with everything he's done/doing to you.

You're doing great!!!! Keep it up!!!!

-Caren