Please see my post in Just found out under "Wife Affair" as it is quite lenghty to rewrite and painful. thanks

Sorry, I can't seem to save the URL correctly. Not sure why.

Have to go serve dinner. Will be back.

L.

the thread does not work and i don't know how to fix it

Try this: Link to JFO thread

Hi dencap, I would run to the bookstore and get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. That will give you a good background about what you are dealing with here.

Secondly, I would not allow this OM to come into your restaurant. Is there something you can do about that?

I would also move quickly to protect your finances from your W. This scumbum sounds like a gigilo and as long as your W has access to your money, your finances are not safe. You should in no way, shape or form finance her affair with him.

And lastly, I would strongly recommend contacting Steve Harley for some guidance. He specializes in infidelity and can assess your situation and give you some guidance. He will give you a plan of attack and won't waste your time and money with nonsense.

Your W's affair is not likely to last long since she does not know this guy. It is based on a fantasy that will quickly dry up. So in the meantime, it will be up to you to make sure you are protected from her insanity and to not do anything that will cause permanent damage. She will need a place to fall when she falls, and she will.

And I want to pat you on the back for exposing this affair, that is probably the most effective thing you could do to hasten the end of the affair. Exposure takes all the fun out of an affair. Good job on that!

How do I contact Mr. Hartley? Also I told her to quit giving free stuff to him and she said he would be gald to pay for it, it has not happened and the list of free stuff I had ask her to record is gone. Do I just get rough (meaning no more) and say we are business partners now either he pays or no product? She has not been at the restaurant for the whole weekend, I had to work a 48 hour shift, I went in this morning and they place looked like crap. She has totally left everything for this guy, its killing business because customers ( we have owned this place for 11 years) do not want to get involved and do not want to see wants going on (the other night they were kissing and hugging in the place along with knowing my son and his girlfriend were seeing everything, I was at the firehouse. Still confused, lost & hurting big time!

dencap, how about you insist that he not set foot in your restaurant and most especially, not go around your kids? The least they could do is take it to a fleabag hotel and stay out of public.

You can get ahold of Dr Harley at the # on the home page here. TRy this link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html

Dencap,
I'm also pretty new to this. H and I run a corporation together, and oversee several advanced scientists, etc. H does not know I even suspect the A, and I've noticed the corp. credit card shows a $500 plane ticket for OW to meet him at a convention in the midwest. Also H had a $250 cell phone bill because of text messages and other calls to OW. He does not know I know this. I'm worried about losing company money, but moreso, I'm worried about losing my self respect. At what point do you say NO! H has actually run the idea by me that we "hire" another staffer (should I guess who?) to manange this and that. I feel your pain. It's much easier from the other side. Just think about this: what advice would you give me? That's probably the advice you should take. I'll try to do the same!

Remember I'm kind of old and so is my wife. Our children are 24 & 20 so they are adults, they know her past and what shes doing now, their comment has been since this was discovered is "how & why would you want her back". I reply with, I married your mom as a soul mate, for better or for worse. And yes I love her, miss her and wish she were home. Yes, I know I'm not perfect, and I'm waiting for the books to help me. Thete is also underlying problems with her health, i.e. first stages of M.S. and she is on alot of meds. The doctors say shes fine to make her own dicessions and I think they are right. As far as cutting him off at the restaurant? we are 50/50 partners in this, so I don't know.

here is her last text to me: "Greg I hope someday we can be friends again. You were always a good friend and I think we could have fun hanging out. But you have to get past the path I took. I don't want anyone to hate me. I wish I could help everyone understand". What do I say?

Let her know that you are not her "friend," but her husband. What she is trying to do is get you to play nice with her while she destroys you with an affair. I would let her know that her affair is extremely hurtful to you and the family.

Would you choose someone for a "friend" who lied to you and cheated on you and publicly humiliated you? Of course you wouldn't.

den, if she is hurting your business by flaunting her affair in your restaurant, why not contact an attorney and get a seperation agreement that stipulates he cannot come on the premises? I would take steps to protect yourself financially frm her since she has lost her mind right now. And I would also ask him to leave my restaurant if I were you. That is grossly disrespectful for him to carry on his affair with your W in your OWN business. That is a step above doing it in your own home and that is something that should not stand.

Ive got the books now and am reading them and I will begin my plan A for me right know. Since she has moved in with him a plan A to her I think is worthless. So what type of plan B would work for her? She can be very stubborn and if I say something like - when you decide to end this affair - it will probally make her think she has to try harder to make the affair and living situation with him better so she does not look bad in other peoples eyes. Of which she already does except for a couple of male loser friends that are telling her she made the right choice.

How do I put love deposits in her bank when she is living with him, she won't go or meet me anywhere. The only thing she talk to me over is by text messaging. Also if I give plan B I will begin not having any contact with her right.

Please open your eyes and see how toxic she is to you and your family. The more you tolerate this the less she will stop. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. At least see an attorney to understand your legal and financial oblications. Please stop being a pin cusion to her. I wish you luck.

I have an appointment with steve tommorrow, however here is my Plan B letter.

Dearest WS

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I apologize to you for being ignorant and for falling to meet some of your most important emotional needs. I understand that I contributed in creating an atmosphere between us, that assisted you in deciding to re-contact FOP (former OP) and then ultimately your affair with OP and our separation. I realize that I'm not perfect, but I did fail to be there for you when you needed me the most. This was not done deliberately or by indifference. I failed as your partner and husband to adequately and responsibly meet your needs.

I truley love and though it was through ignorance, I thought that I had given you everything you needed or wanted in life and in love. We were able to conquer what ever obstacle stood in our way, together. As I reflect on our years together, there were a lot of good times, times together as a family that we will treasure for our lifetimes, times alone with you that reaffirmed my true love and commitment to you.

I apologize for the times I was not the perfect husband, companion or fried. With attitudes and behavior you disliked and I failed to change. But throughout all of our ups and downs, the better - the worse, good times and bad. My love for you never wavered. I thought we were on our way to being soulmates for life. Growing old together, watching the children form families and have children of their own, the dreams we use to share.

Your renewed friendship with FOP and the affair and moving out with OP has taken a devastating, heart wrenching toll on me. Not to mention on our family and friends. It hurts all of us that you have chosen the path you took and your decision to slap it in the faces of the very people that loved you so much. Until you decide to end this affair with OP and renewed friendship with FOP, I must insist that we no longer have contact with each other in order to preserve the tremendous amount of love I have for you. Granted, our situation is unique in that we are business partners as well as husband and wife. As for the business, any all contacts will go through (manager) and I will schedule times when I will be at the business to pick up any business related documents and mail. If I'm at the business, I ask that you respect my right to be there and not enter. All finances must be watched carefully and no unexpected use of funds will be allowed. This includes serving free drinks and food to OP and FOP. As we have discussed prior, if these financial conditions cannot be met we will be required to have the courts designate a nuetral party to operate the business.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. I must believe you know the suffering and pain I have endured because of your relationships. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OP and FOP and be willing to follow measures that ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I love you and am committed to our marriage and want us to be able to rebuild it stronger and better. I am already making changes within myself and my lifestyle, I am willing to do whatever it takes to meet your emotional needs. I want both of us to have the ability and opportunity to meet each others emotional needs and avoid hurting each other ever again. We need to build a new lifestyle in which each and everything we do makes both of us happy. It can happen, and the when we accomplish that, there will never be a reason to hurt and separate again.

I want to be your husband, soulmate, partner and best friend again, one who will always be there for you when your in need. I loved you the day we married and continue to love you today.

With all my heart, love always,

Your husband BS

(Comments, suggestions, etc. and how do I thread it to my post in JFO - wifes affair ?)

She has been living with OM now for just over a month. How do I try to meet her EN when she continues to live with him? I've exposed the A to everyone and she just flaunts it around the restaurant. On her birthday, Monday they were just hugging and kissing it up in the restaurant. I've tried telling her shes making an [censored] of herself, but she does'nt care. I've talked with Dr. Harley and we are still in Plan A, but how can I start getting her to question the A? In her birthday card I reinterated I am committed to our marriage and that we can rebuild it stronger and better. She did'nt even respond to the card, I also gave her some pictures of some of the stuff we have done over the past couple years with the family, they were good pictures showing her being very happy, she texted me and said the pictures were fun to look at. I'm just lost as to what to do now. Do I just sit back and hope the A dies or what. OM's wife filed for divorce, so I worried OM is going to try to push WW into filing on me. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

What did Steve Harley say about all this?

SH said it sounds like shes frustrated with marriage? trying to a good plan A right now, trying to reinterate when possible that i'm committed to marriage. I have'nt talked to SH since I found out that OMW filed for divorce, this scares me alot. I know shes fence sitting, but she just changes tunes in the drop of a hat when I talk to her. Not about anything in perticular, she just goes from nice to mean.

den, what did Steve tell you to do? Did you talk about Plan B?