He's kind of lost too. He said we would sit on plan B for awhile and see if plan A has any effects. He also said to look into a legal separation, I really don't want to do that right now with OMW filing I think it will drive me right to divorce court. She really tries to avoid contacting me at all costs, its like shes in plan B. I'm really afraid.

den, SH is the expert here, but if I were you, I would be afraid of NOT filing a legal seperation and going into Plan B. Hear me out, please.

First off, you must keep in mind that most women do not respect men they can run over. We also do not love men that we don't respect. Your W is being allowed to run all over you and rub her affair in your nose. That diminishes her desire for you and emboldens her in mistreating you.

Secondly, I think she will cause you financial harm if you don't protect your finances and get her out of that restaurant. She is likely harming your business by flaunting her affair there. Decent people don't like to see that sleazy crap and women won't want to patronize a restaurant where the owner is openly acting like ho. I am also afraid she will use your joint assets to support that creepy OM.

i think if you initiated a legal seperation, you could protect yourself financially, protect your business, and cause her to stand up and take notice. A few weeks later, I would suggest going into Plan B and sending her the clear message that she can't cake eat anymore.

This will send the message that you are not a door mat, den. And you very much need to send that message to her in order to regain her respect. But she can't respect you if you refuse to do anything about her destructive behavior.

Well the A was exposed to his work by someone? OM then filed a police report citing harassment against me. The detective called me and I told him that it was'nt me but can I take credit for it. OM told police he was dating my ex-wife!! I informed the detective that we were still married, NOT legally separated, that WS up and left our family for her affair with OM and moved into their 1 bedroom love mansion. The detective said he would get back to me. OM's wife has filed for divorce and he had nothing to begin with now he will have dirt. WS has not even tried to contact me since A exposed at his work. I fear he is trying to get her to file, because atleast she will be ok after a divorce, so he can sponge even more. Any suggestions?

bump

Spend it all on clothes, furniture, personal items you'll get to keep. Cancel any credit cards and don't pay down any credit cards. Pay minimum balances only. Credit will get divided upon settlement. Figure out credit items she accumulated to in furtherance of the affair as these can be allocated to her. Invest in a income producing asset you can sell, like a limited partnership interest with your buddy or an annuity contract. Then at least you won't have to give her a big ole cash settlement that OM can suck up (instead the settlement will need to be paid over years as there is not enough cash to own up at finalization ofthe divorce). Protect yourself. If she files you may bring her to reality if she can see how little she'll get.

Ask more specific questions if you want more information along these lines.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

I just looked back and saw you're the restuarant guy. This is good. In a divorce you can usually get the business valued at liquidation value. This means pretty much nothing. Her attorney can argue about what the restaurant has brought in the last few years but the court will be on your side because she had the affair. Besides you are not obligated to work you butt off at the restuarant after divorce and split the profits with her. Even if they can place some value on it you should still get rid of the cash. Purchase excess inventory, remodel the bathrooms, whatever. Each dollar you spend she may only get at $.10 on the dollar instead of $.50 on the dollar of the liquid assets. This argument is a little different if you own the real property as it has an ascertainable value which can be easily divided.

Once OM discovers this he may book. My wife's OM was certainly interested in my wife's money and I casually let her know not to expect much (our assets are tied up in business too). OM was soooo disappointed.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Well D-Day was July 16 and WW has now been living with OM for 7 weeks. Still in modified Plan A with S.H. help. WW has had very little contact with me in the last few weeks. My sons won't even talk to her. WW wife tells anybody that will listen to her, that the boys are coming around and that she talks to them all the time (wrong - lies). She also can't stop saying how happy she is and how wonderful OM is (great). This morning she called me to tell me she was very ill with a tooth infection, I told her its a good thing she kept me around because we have dental insurance. She then told me "thanks for caring", I told her "I care for you alot, but I cannot care for you while you are with him". I also told her I was worried about her and that tooth infections are very dangerous and she needs to take care of herself, her reply was "lucky me".

Well this is my question today. Since WW moved out she keeps wanting to come by the house and "pick-up a few things". Well last time she came by the house I was out of town and she went through the house looking for her wedding ring (she took it off on D-Day). She text messaged me saying she wanted her ring back (I have them in a safe place - worth over $55,000). WW said they were hers and I replied, that they were ours and part of our marriage. Her comment was "what ever". Well my son and I are going on a golf trip later this month and I was thinking of changing the locks on the house and garage codes, so she wound'nt be able to just walk into the house while were gone and remove anything she pleases. She has already furnished the 1 bedroom love nest from our house anyway. Does anyone have comments on changing the locks or if I'm wrong and should be doing something different? Any comments greatly appreciated.

Oh no.....definitely change those locks and codes, she shouldn't be able to just come and go as she pleases and take whatever she wants. I don't know where you live, but I live in Ohio, and I know that when my H changed the locks on me (He was the WS and I moved out) I just broke in, and there wasn't anything he could do about it, as I could prove that I lived there (I really didn't but my drivers license said I did, and I received mail there), is there anyone that could possibly *house-sit* for you while you're gone, in addition to changing the locks???

Mel is right, she feels like she can walk all over you, you need to get some kind of separation agreement in place that shows her that she can't. You really can't have love without respect.

She calls you and tells you about her *tooth* etc, because you ARE meeting some of her needs......perhaps the OM isn't sympathetic.

For your plan A, I would suggest that you do/say things that she would like. Send her a card, you don't need to say *I am committed to our marriage* in your card, she knows this, just say something like......"Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you, hope you are feeling better." Love den. (Nothing about the relationship, nothing about how committed you are, just showing her that you care....it confuses them because they are being so awful to you). You could pick out pictures, like you sent her before, only send just one a week........with a little note about what you were doing in the picture and how you are remembering how much fun it was, or whatever. Little things like that, the object of plan A is to make you a attractive alternative to the affair, and it is more difficult when you are separated, but it's not impossible. You can't go to Plan B without a FANTASTIC plan A.....so brainstorm, fill out the Emotional needs questionnaire as best you can, try to figure out which needs are her top 3....and try to fill them.

Hope this helps,

-Caren

Secure your home with new locks and codes. Put all your valuables and paperwork in an inaccessible safebox or safe place.

Know that a WS is an enemy of the family and may want to leave you high and dry. Yep even the welfare of your grown children c/b at stake.

Don't panic just get smart.

Make sure you are talking with a trusted attorney. Finance and legal matter should be dealt with immediately.

take care,
L.

Do WW's like mine, when they are acting like they are so in love and happy with OM ever wake up and come home? I'm read so much lately it's all blurring together. I'm just so sad, hurt, still crying and miss her so much.

Also by changing the locks won't it be a major LB and piss her off more and make OM look better?

bump up please

How do I remain in Plan A when all she talks about (to no one in particuliar or who will ever listen) how happy she, how wonderful OM is, how she loves her little apartment, bla, bla, bla... She text message me the other day saying "Thanks for making sure DS24, DS20 and MIL hate me. I won't ever forget it. I was hoping some day they would understand. But there is no hope. We might as well move on. Do u still want to try to work with an arbitrator? If I don't here back from you I will startlooking for a lawyer."

I wrote her back saying no one hates you, just everyone is very confused. I am committed to our marriage and neither to arbitrator or lawyer.

The next time I heard from her was about her tooth infection. I quess I did'nt sound caring enough on the phone because she texted me back saying "thank's for caring".

I wrote back and told her I care for her alot, but I cannot care for her when she is with him. I left a small purple plant (her favorite color) and a get well card at the restaurant for her this morning.

She also tells the staff at the restaurant that all she wants is the restaurant and her dad's house (he's deceased and I fixed it up really cool and know my son and his future wife are renting it). Well she will never get both in a divorce and she knows this! I guess it's just more fog talk.

I have'nt heard anything more from the detective or rumors since it was exposed to his work, but it does'nt really matter, they are exposing it themselves, but they are telling their new friends (who I have no idea who they are) that he is dating my ex-wife and he's getting a divorce. So sad they keeping lying and lying and lying.

Still trying to decided on changing locks and codes?

I thought I would ask her how her tooth was doing. I can only text message her, she will not answer her phone when I call. She said that she has major mouth infection, face swollen big time, can't eat. I ask if she needed anything and she replied "OM is taking very good care of me".

If he was taking so good care of her why did'nt he get her to the dentist on Sat.? I hope she atleast greatly appreciates that she is still on my dental insurance, because without it she would be paying an arm & a leg.

den,

The fact that she said the OM is taking very good care of her is laughable, it's a jab, it's an attempt to deflate you, derail your current course of action, make you want to give up. I know those comments hurt.....you've gotta learn to let them roll off your back.

The WS will react with anger or hurtful comments to a lot of your plan A efforts.....because it doesn't jive with what their telling themselves. They are flaunting this all over town because they are trying to convince themselves this is normal and healthy....well if it was normal and healthy, they wouldn't need to convince anyone.

I know it's so hard for you to see this right now....it's a can't see the forest for the trees thing.....you can't see past how much she's hurting you....and WE KNOW hon....they can be WICKED MEAN.

You said you're a fireman, correct?! Does that also mean paramedic?? If so, I assume you've dealt with drug addicts....they are positively self destructive......Wayward Spouses very closely resemble drug addicts, they're addicted to their fantasy life....and if they were SOOOO Dang proud of themselves...why did it matter that his work found out?!?!

You have to treat her like she's sick......if she were addicted to drugs, you'd be compassionate...you'd give her a card and a plant....but you wouldn't hand her, her drug of choice on a silver platter.

Plan A....(And the card/plant thing was GREAT!!!)confuses the WS, they don't understand why you are being so nice...they'll fire all kinds of things at you because you are injecting doubt into their finely laid plans.....THAT'S why they get p*ssed at you, that's why they're so nasty, keep it up.

Now.....let's work on you.....YOU need to start looking/smelling FANTASTIC when you know you're going to come in contact with her.......YOU are going to start being happy around her (don't explain why...just be happy)...if she happens to ask what you're so happy about, just say something like "It's a good day to be alive"..then walk away. When you see her at the restaurant say "You look nice today WW" and then go about your business.......start being vaguely distracted when she talks, like you've got something else on your mind, and what she's saying isn't of paramount importance to you. You will be surprised how she reacts if you keep this up......she isn't going to know what you're up to.....you're being nice, You are NOT MENTIONING your relationship at all, your world no longer seems to be crashing around your ears because she's gone......she'll start to wonder. Buy yourself some new clothes.....guess what, she's going to start thinking maybe YOU have someone else. (Don't say you do.....the WS automatically assume the BS will stoop to their sleazy level). If she asks if your seeing someone say "Seeing someone? Now that would be silly, Married people aren't suppose to date." (Nicely and smugly....that will not answer her question exactly....I mean you answered it, but she'll think you're just being sarcastic). YOU are not going to answer the phone the next time she calls....YOU are letting it go to voicemail....then you're not calling her back, YOU are waiting until SHE calls you back a 2nd time, and then simply say you weren't available.

You ready for this??? You can do it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Thanks Caren,

I think i'm ready, I want to atleast try to save my marriage. No I really want to save my marriage.

And yes, I am a firefighter, former Paramedic now a Assistant Chief in Denver. S.H. has explained the addict part in our conversations.

She hasn't got the plant or card yet, because she to sick to go down to the restaurant. She has our manager doing her things for now.

I have been working on myself. Akways been in good shape (Also on wildland firefighting team). Been doing some mtn. biking, going golfing in 2 weeks, etc. Been trying not to think about her, but no luck, she's always on my mind (sounds like a song huh).

Again, thanks

p.s. Apparently faxes were sent to his work which he is a mechanic in the city garage. The faxes were posted at City Hall and numerous places. I guess it embaressed him big time because the fax called him an ADULTERER. He was telling everyone at his work that he was dating my ex-wife.

Dencpt,

Remember this rather famous saying by Eli Weismann
Your W may be many things but indifferent is not one of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are hearing the babble of someone trying to justify what they have done. You are talking with SH and that is very good. I would be inclinded to back off right now and see what she does. I am betting she will start to contact you.

If she calls or texts with "my tooth hurts". Respond with "I am very sorry to hear that, I wish I could do something to help." It sort of leaves things in her court, and she doesn't want it there.

Hang in there, and continue as SH has mentioned but start to protect yourself legally and financially. Make sure you know your rights with respect to divorce and let OM meet all of her needs.

She is in serious trouble and she knows it, but she doesn't know how to get out of it and won't until OM is out of the picture.

Your plan A should be on an as possible sort of thing. Don't press her, don't talk relationships with her, reverse babble if you can, and wait.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL,

In one of her texts about her tooth yesterday she said "thanks for caring" I replied "I care for you alot, but I cannot care for you while you are with him". I haven't talked marriage commitment or relations since I put it in her birthday card on 8-29.

The only problem is OM's divorce and he is going to have nothing really. He is going to be the best person ever to WW because she has something (money, 1/2 restaurant for now, 2005 f-150 truck, nice cloths, the love nest 1 bedroom apt. filled with our stuff, etc.). I'm brain storming how to make it more miserable for them, but nothing, they are in la la land.

I try to tell myself that by saying she's so happy and he's so wonderful that she is trying to convince herself of this that they have now been living together for 7 weeks. I don't know, just hurts.

bump please

I want so bad to send him some bible verses, showing OM that he is who he is - BAD. But I know it willl just drive WW closer to him becausw they do not care right now.

crying and going to bed. I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went out with friends for drinks and dinner, they told me WW making big [censored] of her self the weekend at a motorcycle poker run I normally go on. They were acting like 2 high school kids, hugging, kissing, hands all over ecah other. Then they sat with OM's W & her new BF and had a great time it looked like? SICK

Is it really worth the pain? I love her so much!