I have read the books and most everything on this site. I know it's probably the fog but I don't know with her. Like today she texted me and told me to close her aol account. She is mad I got on her account and sent the exposure to her family, pastor and friends.

Like I said a few posts ago, she texted me saying that people were telling her I had been saying "If I can't have her, no one can", this is hog wash, I have been Plan A'ing my A** off, looking sharp, doing things she's noticed, giving her a get well plant and card, really taking care of myself and the house. I only talk about my thoughts and plans for our marraige with my sons, my mom and a few very select friends. Never ever made any threats.

She also texted and said "Get this through your head, I'm not coming home, I'm in love with OM, it's over between us. I was hoping we could do this like adults, guess not." I have not even brought up our relationship, reconcilation, getting back together or our marriage with her since 8/29 in a note in her birthday card.

You say I must be the person she can feel safe with and admire. She always felt safe in our home and with me. I've always tried to protect her, I've always been in good shape because of my job, look great in my uniform, dress well, always provided very well for my family. This is where I don't get it. OM is over weight, makes a whole lot less than me and will have even less after his divorce, drinks too much, dresses like s***, but he makes her happy? I know I could have done better in our relation, but she comes from a wondering family. Alot of her relatives, including her mother have had affairs.

You say I have to be an attractive choice. She telling people all kinds of lies about me, rewriting our marriage so I look bad, mean, lousy, etc. This is one of the reasons why my son's are so mad at her, because of the lies shes saying about me at the restaurant.

Just a really bad day.

DC,

I just wanted to say that you are doing the right things even though you don't feel like it. This is a rollercoaster ride. Your emotions will be all over the place. In the end though, if you do all you can for yourself, your sons and the M, you will be ok.

Trust God and keep following the MB plan. We are here for you and will help you through this. You are not alone.

You may also want to see a doctor for some ADs. Moreover, you might think about going to IC for you and your boys.

Best

Thanks UVA

We are seeing the department psychologist and the department peer support group. No on the meds for now.

I am really trying to take of myself and my sons. But right now she is not seeing any of that, she just hates us all for not accepting her "path". I just say my prayers everynight and keep reading. Taking DS20 to Tuuson on Sat. for 5 days/4 nights with 3 rounds of golf and hopefully some escape from this nightmare.

You are really are the right track.

Patience. Unfortunately these things take time.

I have been in plan B for 9 months, d day anniversary is in 1 month. I have the advantage of not knowing what he says, because I'm protecting myself so as not to empty my loves bank and protecting HIM from me.

From what I have read this is the best possible choice.

Hope you feel better soon but it's called a rollercoaster for a reason. Your trip soundslike a good idea.

Dencaptg,

My apologies for responding so late. My hubby, [H], and I are the ones Orchid sent the email to.

I am short on time but I have read your posts. You are doing the right thing and getting through to her!

The others are complely right about so many things. If she really wanted a divorce, she would have filed, end of story. She deep in the fog and will say just about anything. Justification to no end.

Please seek legal counsel ASAP. Not for divorce but to protect yourself financially. In Colorado, divorce and legal seperation, uncontested, both take a minimum of 90 days and cost the same. We are a no fault state however you will need to keep all documentation to protect your assests.

Keep the faith, Dencaptg, it will get better. This is the worst rollercoaster of your life. There will be ups, downs and in betweens.

Take care, we are all here to help you through this.

K

I thought I would just share some of the text messages WW has sent me:

7/26: Thank you for the card and the house looks great. I hasn't looked this good since we bought it. But again, that's not what this is about. This not something you can fix. I am not doing this so you will change. That has nothing to do with it. Please search deep and try to understand.

7/29: I am so sorry. I don't mean to hurt you. I don't like seeing you hurt. If you rather I don't call you, I won't.

8/8: I hope someday we can be friends again. You were always a good friend and I think we could have fun hanging out. But you have to get past the path I took. I don't want anyone to hate me. I wish I could help everyone understand.

8/8: I got all your texts yesterday. I'm sorry I did not text back. I don't what to say. The truth will hurt as much as anything. BS I tried to make my feelings for OM go away by saying and texting you with things that were'nt true. I tried to make my feelings change. I tried to make myself believe the words I said. You know I have been unhappy for a long time. You choose not to see it. I truely believe the timeing is right. I'm so sorry you got hurt in this deal. Really your a great guy. Someone will be lucky to have you.
(I was trying all the wrong things, did not find this site until 8/11)

8/18: (this is after I tried to talk to her about a couple of customers who are really fueling her to divorce me) Sorry but you started this. I will talk to them but I am NOT making them stay away. I think it would be best for you to stay clear of the crowd and the bar. You have put us through this for awhile. Deal with it.

8/29: I just got to my office and found my gifts. I know you put in alot of time and effort into this and they are very nice. The pictures were fun to look at, thank you.

9/1: (this is after she ask for 1/2 the football season tickets, which I gave her and I ask that if she herself did not us them, then please give them back to the boys & me)
Ok on the tickets. If I don't use them I'll give them back. Just so you know I will be at the bar with friends Friday. If we change our mind I will let you know, thanks.

9/8: (this is after I told her, her cat was sick and we were taking care of her, but that the cat stays at our house) No problem, the cat stays with you. Thanks for making sure DS24, DS20 and your mom hate me. I won't ever forget it. I was hoping someday they would understand. But there is no hope. We might as well move on. Do you want to try to work with an arbirtrator? If so do you have one in mind. If I don't here back from you right away I'll start looking for a lawyer.

9/8: Arbirtrator or lawyer?


9/13: I want my wedding rings back (she left them at the house when she left). They are mine, you gave them to me.

9/22: (this is about her tooth infection which I was very worried about) It's been a long 5 days. Doctor says most of the danger is over. I feel pretty good. You don't have to worry antmore. You were right about the infection. Next time I will listen to you guys.

9/25 (still do not know what shes talking about, I do not talk to anyone who goes into the bar and I have not made any threats. This is also after she had been at the dentist for 3 hours, on meds and now drinking)
Boy did I get an interesting welcome back to the bar to day. I was approached by some friends. they think I should be concerned for my safety. Remember, these are all MY friends. They care about me. One of the comments was they are saying is "if you can'y have me no one can." Planning on doing harm to me? Well get this through you head. I am not coming home. I am in love with OM. It's over between us. I was hoping we could do this like adults, guess not.

(the security tape & audio show she talked only to OM and nothing was heard by staff or on tape of this alledged comment. Gave tapes to lawyer)

9/26: (this is after I sent email to family and friends briefly stating her affair and that she was living with OM, see email in one of the posts)

I just read your email, you are one sick b******! I hope you got out of it, what you were hoping. You totally embarrassed me in front of some special family and hurt me terribly. I no longer want anything to do with you. I don't want to talk to you again, ever! Find a go between to talk to me and get the financs together. I also think you should show your "so called" doctor the email.

(I texted her back saying: Now you know how bad you hurt me)

Her reply: So we are even. don't text again

9/27: Cancel my aol account

And truefully I have been very nice in texting her and talking to her. Always concerned she's ok, not talking R or M for over a month, no LB except for the exposure email. The staff at the restaurant say she is so moody anymore, they only talk with her when they have to. I will continue on plan A for awhile and call SH after my trip.

Hopefully this down hill slide in her comments to me is the fog and her trying to justify the affair with the people she talks with? She has not even tried to contact DS20 since he told her "as long as OM is in your life, I can't be". He told me he told her that over a month ago.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts, help and encourgement. The comments and help are always greatly appreciated.

So I will

bump!

Hi Knewjie,

Thanks for the quick response.

Listen Dencaptg, don't get too wrapped up in all the babble. Get the gist of it and move forward. Read Knewjie's post again. If she and her H can help you out, let them. They are close to your area.

My family met with them for dinner and breakfast when they visited our area in CA. They are a nice couple. After the fog cleraed, [H} was a 'fun guy'. LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Keep yourself above all that fog. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart lots of patience.

take care,
L.

Hi Dencaptg,

Here is an summary of points to remember from the divorcebusting.com site. Shirley Weiner-Davis wrote a great book called Divorce Busting - it is well worth reading.

Here is more on 180: I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope
this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


Hang in there...

PB

WW just had one of our employees text message me, asking if WW could stop by the house tommorrow to pick up some more cloths.

Well I've changed the locks, garage door codes so she can not get in, unless she breaks down the door.

I had ask her for some financial documents yesterday, I think this might have triggered her. I was asking for documentation that all deposits are going into the business account.

I'm still in plan A, but she interacts with me like she is in a plan B?

Well my question is: Should I call her and say "what do you need and I will drop it off" or let her come by?

I just bought a new t.v. that I really don't want her to see. DS and I love it, so will she and she'll want it.

She is sooooo deep in the fog right now. She emailed all the people I exposed her A to and wrote them that "I was just waiting for the right time too leave, once the kids were old enough to take care of themselves? DS's are 24 & 20? She also told them she has a wonderful BF (puke), and that she is happier than anyone could be.

Responses greatly appreciated.

Well this is what I did: I text message our employee and ask "is WW phone broke? if not she could call me. If she does'nt want to then let me know want she needs and I will drop it off at the business for her."

Well 2 minutes later WW calls and ask for winter cloths. I ask what she wanted and it was not out of the ordinary. I told her I would drop them off for her. All the time being nice, short and sweet on the conversation.

I wishI knew if OM was allergic to something so I could infest her cloths with it!

Another update: An old friend from high school called me awhile back to say she feels for what i'm going through. Well tonight she called and I ask her if she wanted to go to a concert tommorrow with DS's GF's and me, well she accepted. I've told her I want to save my marriage, and she knows that, I hope this is not wrong? It will be nice just to have someone to talk too. Any comments?