For Fun!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You get to write the wedding vows for your ex 's upcoming wedding. What will you say?

Keep it PG-13 or better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FR

Dearly those who wish to be here,

Thanks for coming. We are gathered here to witness the legality of the unification of Darth and um...I forgot...what is your name again honey? Oh. yea, I forgot.

Sorry bout that folks.

Marriage is not for the timid...I mean, Darth is anything BUT timid. This, today is his number 4...EL Cuarto...down the long aisle. But he believes in love. And some people say marriages are forever...not me bud. I think it is all about the time together...however long that may be. And if it is for the long haul, then so be it.

So with that being said, Darth, you may say your vows to your fiancee...uh...what's your name again?

Darth: I never thought I'd make it to numero four. In order for this to work unlike the last 3 of my marriages, I have a handy checklist that I want you to memorize. First, you must obey my every command. Even the stupid stuff. Just go watch "sleeping w/the enemy" and memorize how Julia Robers puts all the cans in the cupboard in alphabetical order. I also want the floor so clean you can lick it and like it. You must want to remain firmly independent, as I plan to also retain my independence...which means that I can come and go as I wish, no questions asked period.

I'll provide you with cash and credit cards and shopping trips if you just don't ask too many questions or get worried if your pap smear test comes back screwey (see present wifey number 3 for reference). All the things an Atlanta amateur golddigger needs for happiness...I got it here...And you must always be willing to add the following words, "in the bed" after reading each chinese fortune cookie after we get takeout. That's the kinda guy I am honey.

Rent a minister: Any words from the bride to be to her groom?

Bride No. 4: Yea, sure. That's fine by me. But do I have to get a job? I mean, I dropped outta college last semester to work at the spa? You DON'T expect me to work do you?

Rent a minister: Have you got the ring?

Darth: Sure do.

Bride 4: It's gorgous. Wait a minute. It LOOKS LIKE THE RING YOU GAVE WIFE NO. 3...

Darth: Oh well. Won't be the last ring or rolex I've gotten back from an ex. It wasn't paid off anyway. I still owe 2 more years financing on it and since we weren't married but a year and a half, I figure it's still pretty new.

Rent a minister: Can we get on with this? Now Darth, more from you.

Darth: I promise to try to NOT compare you to my second wife, the wife I was with longest, Peachy. Despite her intelligence and ability to complete sentences and enunciate five syllable words correctly, I will not make you feel inferior...and hope it will NOT make you mad when I invite her jet skiing with me and to hang out on my boat dock...darn it...she still says no. Why would any woman say no to this????

Wife 4 drops bouquet, snatches the ring, walks out of rent a church, and heads to a pawn shop.

THE END!

ExH: I don't really love you. I mean, I just wanted to go out with you and get laid.

I take you when things are fun and exciting and you're chasing after me because you think I'm a rich older guy, but if it gets routine or you don't maintain a perfect body or you don't meet my every need right away in exactly the way I want you to without ever telling you, I'll blame you and get outta here.

I'll take the richer part and spend your money, but if we're poorer, I'll still spend the exact same amount and call you lazy for not earning more.

I don't really want you if you're sick, and I'll leave right when you need me--but if you're 25yo forever, with a flat stomach, no stretch-mark, perfect teeth, blonde hair and perky t*ts...I'll take ya!

By the way, I don't want to ever have to deal with dishes, laundry, messes, kids, diapers, bills or responsibilities. Okay???

Heehee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

EX: I'm just marrying you because you have a great job and I feel that I have to now because I left my wife for you. I still love her though.

OW: I can change you and you will never cheat on me. I don't like myself anyway so it's ok. We have to do this to prove to everyone that we were right in what we did.
We'll live happily ever after~

They both look out into the crowd.....and.....there isn't anyone. LOL LOL!!!!!!

Well, the event already happened. But, if I were to have written them:

Him: I take you my younger, carefree who "love's" porno, no obligations to your current husband/daughter, SO to be my wife, knowing that you will never cheat on me because we are soul mates and are meant to be together. The risk of losing my family is worth everything to be with you.

Her: I take you my older, who also loves porno, who will put aside his children/wife for me, to be my husband knowing that you also will be forever faithful to me, because you have shown such examples in your past. Take me from my H who is leaving to fight for our country so I don't have to be alone while he is gone.

Unison: We will continue to meet early AM, in our employer's parking lot to enjoy our escapades in "our" 1986 Bronco, because that's how it all began.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
May the happy couple live happily ever after, and Please make their individual daughter's lives happier. (seriously)

So, Fish, where are your's???

You started this! Let's read em!!

Karona

I am wondering how many people (if any attended) the ceremonies had these thoughts in their minds during the (bleech) ceremonies?

I have a new ceremony for an OP and a WS...

THE VALIDATION OF FORNICATION CELEBRATION
lmao.

justpeachy, CJ, Tree:

Your posts had me rotflmao so loudly that my 13 yo DD came in asking if I was OK!

Karona: Sounds like OW is quite a catch! Did I mention to you that I own a 1986 Bronco? Bought it from OJ Simpson, cheap!

And since you called me out:

Him: I promise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> never to cheat on you. I only cheat on my wife [who I'm still married to] because she doesn't understand my needs. I am a Christian and God wants me to be happy. It makes me happy to have sex with you [and whoever else will oblige.] Do I love you? Of course I do dear. Anything else you need for me to say? Yes, forever and ever is what I mean too. You are the best I've ever had [this month]. Oh, you need me to cry again, sure, just give me a second...

Her: Oh Casanova, you know exactly what to say. I've been looking for you all my life. My ex was such a jerk. He could never cry [on cue] like you do. And he expected me to be truthful. He just doesn't understand what I need like you do honey. I know you've left your wife [my friend] and that you never cheated on her. And I know the divorce papers have been filed. And we should be receiving them in the mail any day. All those people who told me otherwise are just jealous of our relationship. And God wants me to be happy too.

Present at the wedding: XW, OM, "Ike" the preacher, XW's Mother.

Wedding Song: You & me Against the World

And I'm kidding about the Bronco!

FR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I could care less what they said to each other...

To me, caring about it even in fun says they still have way too much power in my life - and I'm certainly not going to give them THAT.

CS

X: I promise to love, honor, and cherish you as long as you see the world in black and white and do exactly what I want you to do which is keep the house neat and don't mind if I get my jollies while spanking the monkey in the shower. (Note: No animals were harmed in the writing or reciting of these vows.)

X's wife: I promise to love, honor, and cherish you as long as I wear these blinders so I can't see how fat you are.

(She's actually told me that she has asked my x/her h why we got a divorce. I haven't told her what I have periodically wanted to tell her. It would not be good for her trust in him. I want them to be happy together as that is in my children's best interest. Thankfully, she didn't enter his life until we had been divorced for a couple of years. And, when I see her and talk to her I realize just how much I had "Married Down" and how much she "Married Up".)

I, JDE take ______ to be my whipping boy, concubine and arm ornament. I promise to inflict emotional cruelty and cleverly manipulate you. I vow that I will not be able to keep my trouser trout where it belongs. I promise to sweep any of my inappropriate behavior, as well as, any of your feelings on any subject, under the carpet. You will know this by the words "shut the [email]f@Ck[/email] up" In sickness you will have to bellycrawl to the kitchen for anything to eleviate your pain. I promise to never lift a finger in domestic duties. I promise that I will be purchasing jet ski's, Harleys, and fast cars..so that I may impress the fast women i will be hooking up with 7 months into our marriage.

"I promise to love, honor and obey him, until death do us part, unless I find another guy attractive, in which case god will let me off the hook."

"I promise to tell you I love you all the time, but what I really want is a cook, housekeeper, babysitter, bookkeeper who will have sex with me and never require anything in return"

What's funny is that the woman my exh dates was a friend of mine for years and years. When she was married the first time she always took the short stick and her husband got everything. Her car had 125K miles on it and she transported their child but he wanted a new truck so he got one stuff like that. She's PERFECT for my exh!

After the wedding, I promise to ignore you and the kids. What I really want is a mother who will be cook, chaffeur, housekeeper, babysitter, and bookkeeper who will have sex with me and never require anything in return. I also will spend on whatever I like, refusing to contribute toward household expenses or childcare."
I will however, pretend to be the perfect father and husband when in the company of outsiders.

well, my X and OW were married July 30th and my SIL told me some of their vows..

She promised if she ever won the lottery she would spend every penny on having fun with him

LOL

no mention of God, and no mention of the promise not to cheat on each other

Ill have to think of my own vows for them, but the "real life" lottery vows was a real kicker..2 sick people

[color:"orange"]There should be a 'shaking head in wonderment' icon.[/color]

Some people will never learn. All these idiots should live together on an island called 'Isla de Idiots'. So many of these people are idiots - simply idiots!

Newly- were you married to my exhusband?? I'm just wondering because your ex spouse sounds just like him!