I need help.

For those who don’t know my situation, let me give you the short version.
WH is 49, I am 47, married 19 years. we’re both professionals in the medical field, different specialties. We both work but money wise, he has always provided for us, since I am also the housewife and mother.
Wh started acting detached about 2 years ago and it grew progressively worse. He seemed to hate me sometimes but would always say nothing was wrong or simply didn’t answer.I did not LB, because I thought he might be going thru MLC so I tried to be caring and supportive. In march 2004 I confronted him about his detachment and he said the famous ILYBNILWY. I asked if there was someone else and he denied it. Said I was not to blame for anything.
In August I strongly started to suspect his secretary and started to investigate. In September I asked again and he denied. I confirmed in October (that’s when I found MB) and confronted him. He would spend all day with OW and was going with her to the beach house on weekends (telling me that he wanted to be alone).
He did not deny it, said she was not important and everything else he answered that he didn’t know. He said he was sorry but that HE was the problem. He wasn’t sure when it had begun, maybe august, although I don’t believe him, but interestingly enough, he said he had only lied to me once, in September.
At that point exposure was limited because dds were starting their exams which lasted until Xmas, so I told WH he would have to leave after Xmas. He agreed and said there was nothing else to talk about.
Those 2 months were calm. He spent all day with OW at work or whatever because he is the boss and would come home at night as usual and stopped leaving for the weekends.

On the 26th dec, I told him to please leave, he told dds he was leaving, he had an apartment with a room for them and admitted he had “made a mistake with a woman” (in the past).
I gave him plan B letter and we said goodbye.

For a couple of months I think he was angry because of the plan B letter and because I finished exposing to his family and co workers.

OW moved in with him after a couple of weeks but their relationship has always been secret. They do not admit it to coworkers, nor does he admit it to his family. They have even travelled abroad together but told nobody.

They live a secret life.
He has never invited dds to his house.
He sees them once or twice a week for dinner, but calls them very frequently on their cel phones.

He has not tried to contact me. He provides for us financially. I send him the bills and he pays them and also sometimes sends me some cash for extras.

It will soon be 8 months of plan B. I had decided to do plan B for a year but I never thought that the A would last this long. I wrote to Dr. Harley (I live in South America) and he basically told me not to be optimistic, and to wait for 2 years. By then I would either be divorced or recovering.

Mimi mentioned today that instead of an A it is as if OW were WH’s mistress and they seem content to keep it that way, both of them.

Is there anything I should be doing or not doing? Can anyone tell me I am doing the right thing? Should I just wait until my plan B period is up and get divorced?

Does anyone have any advice? Any ideas?

I still can’t believe I’m in this situation… It’s like a nightmare I’ll wake up from.
I’m patient, but sometimes I need a little reassurance
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Do you have an attorney?

Does WH visit the kids?

Are the kids exposed to OW?

That was quick!

No I don't have an attorney but I have a friend (ex cousin in law) who is an attorney and she says that I am better off not divorcing because no judge would have WH pay all the house bills. I live in South America, remember...

He sees them when he takes them out to dinner. They have complained that it's not normal that they don't share other activities but they have either not told him that or he doesn't care. He always has the excuse of work. He's a workaholic (including the A as "work" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I guess)

DDs hate OW. She stayed with them on one of our trips, WH used to have his office at home so she was here all afternoon too. OW has started studying again this year, the same subjects and school as one of dds but they don't seem to cross paths very often, Thank God.

WH has never tried to impose OW on them. He never mentions her to them, as far as I know

Is the OW making work difficult for the rest of the office? Are patients complaining?

I work with a WS and OW. It is very very hard as an employee.

L.

OW is making life a living ****** for all other co workers except her bestfriend who she got to work with her at WH's office and another MD who apparently believes the soulmate theory. Everyone hates them. But they don't see patients. WH is a pathologist.

Use that to your advantage. What options do those employees have? Here we have a labor board. In my case, the owner of the small company I work for (5 person office) is having the EA with 1 girl. He buys her trips, furniture, meals, etc. Take her to her appoitments, back and forth to work, etc. At the very least it is an EA on his side cuz she is kinda ditzy and may not realize all her perks are part of this A. She is almost 30 years his junior. Yep, he is old enough to be her dad. YIKES!!!! Since the OW came, every employee has left. I am the next one to leave.

L.

Unfortunately the co workers care more for their jobs than morals and since the A is secret and neither OW nor WH admit it, the others have really not done much except complain.

WH is the boss. Jobs are hard to get.

I expose whenever I can but we wrok in completely different fields so I don't get much chance of talking to his business acqaintances...

What about his family? Friends?

L.

MIL told him never to take OW to her house. She disapproves but her actions are not that consistent. She has 2 other sons, one unemployed and living off her with his wife and child, and the other one lived with a married woman, who he later married and they had 2 kids. Now they are getting divorced, but he already has a divorced GF and she has a BF 20 years her junior !so MIL who is a clasic CA, is behaving as though it were no big deal. In the bottom of her heart she cannot believe all this, but it's reality. Also her only source of extra money is WH. And she uses it, always has.

He has no friends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Use what you can. MIL says NOT to bring OW to the house. Thank her for that part of her support. It may be the encouragement she needs to stand up to her son.

On the other hand $$ c/b stronger than justice and morals and that w/b sad. Still you have your tools to survive about you. You need to identify and use them.

L.

Medical colleagues. You can out them to them. If there's one thing I do know, it is that there is a network of people in my area of med...and we know alot about one another. Plus could possibly the ow being the secretary MISUSING FUNDING? Hmmm. My bro in law's practice went topsy turvy 2 years ago. One of the partners (surgeon) was having an affair with the office manager. Nobody knew. Until outta blue, office man. divorces her H. Then the parnter separates from his W. When the staff found out, he was voted out as a managing partner, and the OW /office man. was immediately fired. Seems that there was DOCUMENTED MISUSE OF MONEY in the practice.

You see, lying, cheating, stealing...they are really just different FORMS OF THE SAME CRIMES. Water can be a solid, liquid, or a gas. The crime is the same...just a different form and I'd bet that there is misuse of practice funds going on. Plus, there could be cover ups in billing or also overcharges or something with regards to insurance...you just need to dig.

When the practice went to work, they uncovered over a half of a million of dollars that was squandered by the ow and the partner.

Today, they are living together and married. But in shame. Nobody talks to them. He was in a noncompete clause and can't open up a practice to compete with his former practice for several years. The ow is outta work too. But they live in a large home and don't see many people that much. They're gossipped about in the small town. (about 175k...large enough to gossip about the big fish in town ok?)And the practice hired my bro in law about same time they fired this guy. And now my bro in law replaced him as a partner.

What goes around comes around. The former partners' wife got a hefty settlement and she is happy...she is dating around, whole town and area treats here with dignity and respect...(oughta know...when I went in town somebody pointed her out to me since I guess they heard I was a BS as well...and said "we're all so proud of her"). She walks w/her head held up high...and her uncovering her WS/xh enabled her to have the settlement she needed. Life is good for her.

So get copies or have court petition for financial docs from the practice. Expose expose expose the lies!
That's 1 way to expose.

Also, I'd tell the office personnel who do not know. I'd tell the people who work in same building. More you expose, the more light is shed into their dark little lies. I'd have him subpoenae'd at this love shack. I'd have attorney depose the OW immediately! I would send the plan B letter again, with mentions of how you plan and how you'd plan to heal your M along with it. I would also add in that you can no longer see him with this sordid lifestyle. That his own family is torn apart by his choice of this woman...this homewrecker over the entire family.

What I am saying is to be strong. Play smart. And don't back down. There are more than 1 way to pluck a darn chicken ok?

Just put your intellect to work using a different angle...that's all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God bless. You can do this.

Wow Peachy just gave you some strong ammo. Not sure if the area you live in supports A's or not. But worth checking out her suggestions.

L.

Wow Peachy! thanks. I wish things worked that way here, but there are many restraints (sp?).
First WH is the boss at their job in the mornings at the military hospital. I think that there are probably more affairs going on over there than you can imagine and although I don't think people would condone the A, since most of them are involved or prefer not to be involved in somebody else's A I wouldn't find any formal support there. Not like the military in USA. But I will continue to expose when I meet people from there.

As for the the other job, WH is boss and owner and does what he wants manipulated by OW who is "the office manager" although she doesn't really know how to manage anything.
So there is nothing I can do about that. WH will use the money as he wants.
So far he has paid all the bills. The last check even came written by OW but signed by him so she has had to accept that he send me extra money... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I know this is very dangerous for me and I am watching certain bank accounts we have to make sure he doesn't touch them.

It's weird. He still has all his mail sent here and I have to get it to him. Except for the international cc statements which he re directed somewhere else when he took the trip to USA with OW, I guess so that I wouldn't be able to see what he spent. But everything else comes here. He hasn't changed his address <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He comes from a family with very strong family values which have completely disappeared with this last generation... That was one of the things that attracted me most to him as my family also sticks together very much.

It's like Mimi says, he's acting as though he is entitled to live this double life. He's "taking care" of his family as he should as the head of teh family while having this affair with this @#$%%^. She's a real predator OW. Low class, little education. She's illegitimate as is her half sister. No family structure.
Apparently she has completely abandoned her family.

Anyway, it is probable that the only thing that will get to WH is for me to file for divorce. He is very slow to react normally... that's why I am willing to wait for him a while, but not forever.

If I divorce I know things may get very tough financially, if he gets angry, which he might. You see, he probably thinks he's being a great guy, because he's respecting my plan B request of no contact, he's paying all the bills, etc.

He seems to be stuck in the fog.

And another thing is exposure. I've done plenty but I do feel a little awkward because there is no way that we can ever work anywhre else, or even move. He is one of 30 or so specialists in his area and one of the top 3. I am also very well known in my area, and I am now in a government position. I can't go around telling everyone what is happening!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It's getting a little awkward.

bumpng this now because I have no access to MB at work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Bumping up for CC...

Bumping for Low Orbit...

Hi cc46,

I think I know how you feel...need to reevaluate PLAN B...seeing that nothing is happening... need 'to do' something.

I am here to support and encourage you in your path. Am not much of a vet as you know.

Take care.

I'm trying to help CC get other perspectives on her situation....

CC:

Low Orbit had this to say when I asked him about your situation:

I don't know if I can help because cc46's H behavior may be driven by some cultural issues as well.

From what I can gather, men having mistresses in SA countries is not uncommon and is often something to be proud of. It's an indicator of wealth and virility.

He sounds wealthy enough to pull this off. He probably believes it is his right to have the mistress as long as he continues to meet his familial obligations.

It sounds like this is also potential LTA. If his affair is LTA, he probably has a good feel for how successful a marriage (or other LTR) with his mistress might be. There is little fear of the unknown for him. He knows the SA courts will favor him. He has chosen to leave the marriage rather than allow his W to dictate its terms to him.

Other than that, it really doesn't sound like the classic MLC that we're more familiar with.

After 8 months of Plan B with little change, I think cc46 should start planning for the eventual. He's had pleanty of time to get comfortable with his new life. Remember, Plan B is supposed to stress the affair by placing the burden of meeting ENs solely on the OP. It doesn't sound like that's working.

I haven't had time to read all her posts but it doesn't sound like she was in Plan A very long before she asked him to leave.

Thanks Mimi for your efforts. I will answer later. I am busy now and in public