IMA,

You DEMAND NC immediately.

As far as the exposure goes, exposing is used to stop the A. If WH agrees to NC immediately and is totally remorseful and wants to rebuild, I would hold off on all exposure.

If (in a perfect world) you recover and rebuild and your M becomes stronger, you don't need people or family close to you knowing about the A. IMHO

If he refuses NC and the A continues...or he does NC but still sneaks around, then EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!!

"" but I won't be left with a shred of dignity.""

I see nothing in your posts but huge amounts of DIGNITY.

You are the one that IS keeping and WILL keep your dignity, and be able to hold your head high, as this progresses.

Good luck to you!! STAY STRONG!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

D-day set for Sept 2. Need help so I don't screw it up!
D-day is the day you found out abou the affir. If you already knwo about it, you cannot "schedule" it for the future...


Our network administrator knows his password, but H has instructed him not to give it to me. H won't even ask me to log on for him, even if it is a work crisis. (We own an corporation together, and I'm president, he's VP.)
Uh, this should be a no brainer.

H has spyware detector installed
Have the IT guy remove it.
Don't you (as a company) have rules/regs for computer use?

thanks krusht and chris. chris is correct about the definition of d-day, i guess i'm using it as "day i tell H that I know about the A." Seems most folks don't get onto this site until after the initial confrontation about the A. Technically, since I have no verbal confirmation, I cannot say 100.00000000% that there is an A. (But I'd bet my life on it!)
Also, Chris, our company isn't really like a regular company. We have a handful of highly educated scientists and engineers, and they are all the top in their field. My job as President, is more of a General Manager role--point them in the right direction and handle business development. I would never check on any of their computers, because they all are responsible for their own progress. My WH is also very productive, so professionally, there would be no reason to check up on him. After the confrontation on 9/2 however, I will insist that the computer password be removed. Really, though, I don't need the computer evidence--I have more than enough already to bury him alive. That would just be overkill at this point. I even have tape recordings, and the OW's signature on an entertainment junket the two of them took. Just hoping I keep my cool when I get to the confrontation. Trying to avoid any LB's.
I'm happy to report to everyone that I have taken great strides in my own plan A. I've been working out, and have been eating right, and running and biking more. I've also stopped drinking alcohol altogether (I was self-medicating with 3-5 glasses of wine every night.) I've lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks. I'm also keeping the household more organized, and making sure the kids don't spend too much time in front of the computer or TV. These are all changes that I think are good for ME and the KIDS, no matter what happens.

WH has noticed my changes, and seems stunned that I'm not picking fights anymore. I think he's been hoping for a big blow-up so he can say, "It's over!" and walk out, blaming me. So far, I've given him nothing to jump on. (Confrontation Day will be another story, I'm afraid.)

It's sooo good to see how you've progressed thus far. I wish I had this site available to me pre-"d-day". Your D-Day and your reveal day don't match only because you were here instead of calling him on the phone screaming and facing the denials and crap we all went through prior to having "proof".

Your reveal can get even more info if you lie about some of the information you have. Like if you know what room number he's in right now, pick the room number across the hall or next door as the room your supposed PI stayed in. You had listening devices placed in the room which because it's a company room is not illegal. He'll have no idea what hit him and less time to think and give up the denials without you revealing all your sources.

The committed to saving the marriage thing can wait. Committ only to seeing this through the MB way then you can decide if he's worth it later. Your thinking is fogged out by this affair also and until you two get together to work on the underlying problems in your marriage and have the ability to make rational decisions there's no sense in banging your head against the wall.

Of course, you can find happiness on your own. You really don't strike me as a helpless person, but being pridefull we'll get you no where now. It will only feed into his justifications and rationalizations. Your reactions to his fog talk should not affect your Actions at all. Don't internalize any of it. Act, don't react. You are saving your husband from himself, for yourself and your kids.

You've already got him off balance and taking care of yourself. He's noticing you. Good job.

ACT

Oh, what fun, replying to myself.

I re-read your last few posts. You asked -- What's he gonna say? I would anticipate you will get the very common response --"I love you, but I am not in love with you". I got this and when you sit back and look at the situation logically (hindsight making this easier for me), you can see where he's coming from. The high's of a new secret romantic love affair blow away the current state of your marital relationship. Instead of your marriage moving to a higher plain of a loving marital relationship it stagnated. You probably feel the same way right now especially in light of your current situation. I just couldn't get angry or feel slighted over this revelation because I knew I played a part in my wife feeling this way about me.

A suggestion - Did you acquire "Surviving an Affair"?. Having this book available for your husband to read is a must. You can't force him to read it. Just encourage him to read it. He'll discover he's not unique, the feelings for OW aren't real, and that your marriage can recover and be better. It's a message of hope.

How did that forensice accountant work out? Discover any hidden funds? That's relevant if he was making plans for an eventual divorce. A cake eater generally makes no plans, anticipates keeping the secret forever, and believes they have total control over the situation. Once revealled they jump back in line most of the time. If he was already making plans on leaving you or divorcing you your Reveal D-Day could be a lot tougher than your anticipating.

ACT

Post deleted by imanotherone

Wacko, I very much doubt. Your WH should be scared of you perhaps. What's he got to be that upset about. 3 vacations with OW in a month. He should be relieved.

Your friend is concerned for you and her reponse to infidelity is perhaps the same as all of us here thought prior to experiencing it. Ignore it. Misery loves company and she is not happy with her situation right now. Try to surround yourself with happy people for awhile. Certainly thank her for her support and get her to babysit when needed. You'll need as much time alone with WH as possible over the next few months.

Exposure must be done the right way with the right purpose. Otherwise, don't tell too many people. I know your dying to share your feelings, but most are too close and too unfamiliar to the situation to offer meaningful assistance. These little exposures won't help the situation and you may regret them later. So be careful.

BTW, when you reveal, your husband may defend OW also. I think you've got this down based upon your "I don't give a blank about OM thread". Just don't knock her. This is about him and your marriage.

Are you demanding a test for STD's? I think a lot of people here love to put this demand in up front. I kinda think it's really a LB especially when done in a judgmental way. As long as your not having SF anytime soon then it can wait a day or two. I mean you really have to wait till NC plus 2 or 3 months before the test would be definitive anyway. If you do have SF make him wear a condom. Even if you believe this to be the most remote possibility, if you don't have condoms, buy them. Then it's not a LB, it's just common sense.

Last thought, I promise. After you reveal your recovery will be greatly enhanced if you ask questions and listen more than make demands and argue. He will be awed by your strength.

ACT

P.S. - Did you read Mortarman's Husband/Wives role thread?

Post deleted by imanotherone

Is it typical for the WS to go violently wacko when confronted with the A?
Typical? No, but it can happen.
If you think there is ANY chance of this happening, do not do this alone with him.
The best way would be to do it with a counselor.

I thought there would just be some awkward denials, lots of stammering, maybe a few tears, and some blame and shouting.
Yeah, usually this is how it is.

all of that I really didn't think too much about getting beaten or worse.
Again, if this is even a remote possibility, then don do it alone.

ADR,
After you reveal your recovery will be greatly enhanced
This may take a while. Once it is in the open, the ws relaxes a bit. Usually, they start to point out EVERYTHING you have ever done wrong and how the affair was okay because of this.

if you ask questions and listen more than make demands and argue.
Since LBs have been eliminated at this point, there are no demands or arguing.

He will be awed by your strength.
I think this is a bit of a reach.

Thanks! I went to see our MC this morning, and told him my plans. He does not think H is the type to go psycho on me, but he offered to come into the office on Saturday to meet with us after we've had a chance to let it sink in. (Nice offer, since he's very popular, and it takes weeks to get a regular appointment.) I'm actually looking forward to the reveal so that it will be out in the open finally, and he can stop telling such stupid lies, and start at least making up more creative ones. I promise to keep everyone posted on the progress (or lack thereof) as the week draws to an end. I just have to keep remembering: Demand the A stop and NC start. Everything else is negotiable.
(Do I have that right?)

Perhaps Awed is a bit much. I should have said eventually he will come to respect your ability to handle this situation calmly and with integrity.

I acted like a fool at first. Doing all the wrong things. I assisted my WH with her justifications. I played into the denials and blame shifting. Imanotherone is so far ahead of the game with the knowledge of MB principles that I have to believe WH is going to at least be impressed. Her strength will be undeniable. Though he probably won't acknowledge it for some time.

I'm actually looking forward to the reveal so that it will be out in the open finally, and he can stop telling such stupid lies, and start at least making up more creative ones.
Bwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Perhaps, but don’t be surprised when the lies get more “original” (such as “YOU forced me into the affair”) or as K’s wife told him “it’s your fault I’m pregnant” (by om).
Usually, any/all of their sensibilities go completely away, at least for the short term.

Also, don’t make it a Q&A session. That can come later.
He will deny. You don’t need to argue with him. Simply tell him you know what is/was going on. Don’t try to convince him or get him to fess up.

Demand the A stop and NC start. Everything else is negotiable.
(Do I have that right?)
No. A demand is a LB. You are “negotiating” an end to the affair, not demanding.

Ok, but how do I phrase it? Something like "This A is causing me unimaginable pain, and I hope you can see that. If our marriage is to have any hope, we can only begin to work on it after the A has ended.

Work with me here--I don't want to blow it.

"This A is causing me unimaginable pain and I hope you can see that. If our marriage is to have any hope, we can only begin to work on it after the A has ended."
This is pretty good.

I keep reading about "fog talk" and I guess I'll be getting my share at the reveal. Question: How do you determine what is fog and what is real? Seems like if they can keep the fog for long enough, it can be internalized as "truth".

Fog talk - like pornography - you'll know it when you hear it.

Yes, the rationalizations and justifications have some truth to them and can be internalized as the full truth....but, eventually regret sets in as the fiction eventually won't hold water. The truth will eventually set in. Hopefully, sooner than later.

I don't remember the exact statistic but when a poll was taken of divorced wayward spouses after 5 years. Most indicatede their greatest regret was not giving their marriage a second chance.

That's an aspect of the MB plan. You don't want to feed into the rationalizations and justifications with your behavior. Your neglectfull, predictable, whatever, behavior also has been feeding the affair. When you throw him off kilter with Plan A what have OW and WH to talk about. At least, he can't complain about you any longer. It's easier for the fog to clear with the real truth staring them in the face.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

While it might not be perfect analogy, think of "fog" sort of like certain types of glasses. You know the ones, they let you see what YOU want to see...like rose colored classes, polarized glasses, etc. They all "narrow" reality so that you only see part of it and the rest is either fuzzy or "unseen" because it's blocked by the glasses.

But when you finally take the glasses off and let your real eyes see what is really there, instead of "fooling" yourself, the "fog" dissipates and you begin to see reality.

Here's one example of "fogtalk" you are likely to encounter; "But I just want to remain friends, nothing more." Won't work. The "friendship" line was crossed and can never be re-crossed again. No Contact is definitive. NONE, nada, never....it's a consequence that must be lived with for the rest of his life....IF you are to continue being his wife. The operative vow to remember here is ... "forsaking ALL others and keeping myself only unto you."

God bless.

Hello I'm,

Wife and I are heading out tomorrow to take in the Central Michigan Vs. Indiana college football game. My brother and I are Indiana grads so we are not used to celebrating too many victories. We are supposed to win. Hopefully the Gods will be in our corner but not to take away from any of your needs on this difficult day. You are in our thoughts and prayers as you confront head-on the realities of your situation. May God bless you with the words and strength necessary to carry you through this day even if that means I must endure another Hoosier defeat.

Mr. Wondering

Well, H and I had "The Talk" yesterday, a day early. Guess it was some good/some bad. H says he wasn't thinking clearly, and has wanted to end the A for weeks, but hasn't been able to. Seems to regret it--says he just "gave up" on us, and finally gave into this one. Says he's turned down dozens of opportunities, (which, because of all his road trips, is probably true). Says he's really impressed how lately I've pulled myself together and have been paying attention to his EN's (except SF). I even got him onto this site to start reading, and showed him my thread, (a la Total Disclosure).
Now for the hard work. H does not seem to like the idea of giving me all the gory details, as he thinks it will cause more pain. (I said yes, painful now, but would be worse later.) I also think he's going to try to negotiate on the NC issue--says he could handle it. That, of course, is a deal breaker long term, so hopefully he'll see the wisdom of total NC. Don't know if he's talked to OW yet, but I heard her call his cell phone three times last night, after midnight. (He was asleep at the time.) Long term, we are also going to need to work on how to keep him from spending so many nights away from the home, or we're inviting more of this, per Harley.
Another VERY disturbing issue: I dug out of H the age of the OW, and now I feel compelled to call her the OG (other girl). H is 43, I'm 41, and OW is 21! Of course, I'm crushed that he found this girl attractive (she's more like a daughter than a lover, I would think). Also, given that fitness is a very high EN for him, I will always know that he's going to be comparing me to his last girlfriend (who now is half my age). The thought of a taller, taughter, tighter, younger, less wrinkly version of me being in bed with him will haunt me, probably forever. Don't know if I'll get over this. Even when H and I started dating, I was older than this girl. What does he want out of life? If he's attracted to someone that much younger, (on more than just a sexual basis) maybe he really doesn't want to be with "mom and the kids" and wants to escape back to his college days.
Anyway, these are my initial thoughts. Oh, and a confession on my part--I did blow the reveal many times. Lost my cool and shouted when he denied the A, and yelled demands and other stuff. Lots of LB's. I tried to apologize each time I caught myself doing it, and even stopped at one point to take an Ativan to keep my cool. Spent most of the day yesterday crying, but seem to be a little better now. I made an appointment with our MC for tomorrow afternoon (Sat) and H is going. He also made an appointment with our psychiatrist by himself.
Thanks, Wonderings, and everyone else for all the support. I will keep you posted. Best of luck on the Indiana game!

IAO,
Glad to see you post and (((((hugs))))) to you. I'm sure it was very difficult, but it sounds like you did a great job!!
You said your H may try to negotiate on NC. No can do. That's the big one. Keeping in contact keeps the A going. That's not negotiable. Have him read Surviving an Affair if he will or at least the basic concepts. He has to understand that.

As far as the OW being half your age or in "better shape", she is a snake in the grass and beauty lies within. My FWH's OW was a knockout. A little younger, but men would just stare at her all the time. My H said that it was "neat" that she showed interest in him. It was an ego trip. I believe it really amounts to a self esteem issue.

Don't harp on it, it won't get you anywhere. It hasn't me. Stay strong. Try to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep. Try to talk without LBing. That may be hard at times. Anger hits hard. And try to spend as much time together, just the 2 of you.

Good luck in MC. You've done great. Stick with it.