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Nice post Mrs. W

Have a great holiday !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />THANKS PEP...HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE TOO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. "Dubyah"


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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It's one thing to SAY strong family values is attractive. Doesn't hold much water with me since his closest female friends are a 21 year old "homewrecker" and a woman who has left her kids in daycare since they were 6 weeks old.

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Thanks to The_Wonderings. Your writings have been very helpful and its nice to be understood by someone thats been there done that. Thank you.

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It's one thing to SAY strong family values is attractive. Doesn't hold much water with me since his closest female friends are a 21 year old "homewrecker" and a woman who has left her kids in daycare since they were 6 weeks old.

Pointless argueing about outsiders will not help build stronger bonds of intimacy with your husband .... cut it out. This is probably a bad habit of yours ... put these thoughts in a private journal.

Let "us" talk trash about OW ... we're not trying to build intimacy with your H <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

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I've changed the title of our thread to reflect that both of us are "trying." I think toolman would agree that we are both making an effort.

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It's one thing to SAY strong family values is attractive. Doesn't hold much water with me since his closest female friends are a 21 year old "homewrecker" and a woman who has left her kids in daycare since they were 6 weeks old.

Careful, imanotherone, this is a "disrespectful judgement"...remember, the OW could have been anyone...who she is doesn't matter-she's irrelevant...the fact that you are hurt by the betrayal is relevant, that's what Toolman must address...neither of you were getting your needs met...

Mrs. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Hey Pep,

Great minds think alike... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

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Fair enough Mrs. Wondering! How about this: It's great that family is high on WH's EN list. That means it shouldn't be too difficult to meet my EN's of respect and admiration, given that a significant portion of my life is, and from here on will be, devoted to my family and my children.

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imanotherone...

That's better, but remember, right now and probably for a while at least, it will be you that must be the strong one...His "Taker" is still going to be going full speed for a while...not fair, I know, but it's the truth...unfortunately, withdrawal makes meeting your EN's almost impossible...I have faith in you on this, and I know that Mr. Wondering can offer you words of advice where this is concerned...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Title,
I very much agree that we are both making a strong effort. Thank you iam. Its not easy for me either.

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Thank you for the 2 x4 Pep and Mrs. W. You are both correct: I was state debate champion for two years, and it's tough to drop an issue when I KNOW I can argue back. I will try to take off my "competition cap" and try to just listen. No guarantees: I admittedly loose my cool when I bottle too much up, but I'll look for the next kickboxing class to look for a safer alternative to vent.

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Totally understand "im", if I was in your shoes I wouldn't be doing nearly as well as you are...It's gotta be tough!

Okay, Mr. W and I were just talking, and thought that maybe we could share something that we did that might be at least of interest to you...it's controversial, and we may get "scolded" for bringing it up, but what the heck...

This was Mr. W's idea, and it was something he used for different reasons in our recovery, but it's been great for us and might work in a couple of ways for you guys...While I was in my A, he suggested that we get plastic surgery...he knew that it was something that I had always wanted AND he was counting on the offer attacking the security of OM (OM was financially busted and VERY insecure about it) and he also knew that since I wanted a "tummy tuck" & lipo that the recovery would be a long one...time that he could use to meet my EN's and make sure of NC...anyway, that was the original intention...by the time I had the surgery, NC was already established, but the care with which he took care of me, did go ABOVE and BEYOND anything that I could have imagined...Mr. W had mini lipo on his chin, which was great for his self image too..Anyway, enough about the way we used this...

We were just thinking about the self esteem of imanotherone AND the EN's(physical attractiveness and SF) of Toolman...and thought that plastic surgery might be an idea for you guys...I will say that it does shift the focus away from the A at least...something else that I have done for my own self image was to get hair extensions and we are both tan...Wow, Mr. W and I sound so very plastic...but MAN OH MAN have things really heated up in the SF department...not necessarily one of my top EN's, but (a)it has been great and (b)my EN's of conversation, admiration and affection have been a breeze for Mr. W to meet in light of the renewed bedroom action...so, though many may view what we did as superficial and unnecessary, it sure has worked wonders for us...the end kinda justifies the means, I suppose...Anyway, just thought we'd share...we really are deeper than we sound in this post...tee hee...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Toolman -

Welcome. I admire you for posting here in an effort to at least look at the marriage. Very few WS's are interested at all. So hang in here if you can. It is sometimes tough at first for a WS.

I would like to warn you of one thing. I hope that you are using protection with the other girl, so that you don't have to end up posting on the Other Child board.

Ima -

Sheesh, I feel kind of funny posting to you since Toolman is reading here, but here goes. Your husband is back, but not really. Don't get your hopes up for a recovery. Every time you do, and there is more contact, it kills that much more of your love for your husband.

The affair won't last - it has less than a 3% chance of turning into a long term relationship - and given the difference in their ages.................

So I would work on YOU. Start making the necessary changes that you have to make. Forget what he is doing. Protect your heart, and start making a good life for yourself and your children.

If contact continues (and it probably will), then it is time for your husband to move out.

My WH has been having an affair (with a woman 20 years younger also), and it has been going on for 3 years. I had so many false recoveries, and more broken promises, that I lost any feeling of love for my husband.

Now it looks like his affair is ending. OW has found someone closer to her age (with a nicer Harley), and it looks like just a matter of time. But it is too late, and I blame myself for not protecting my love from him.

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It's one thing to SAY strong family values is attractive. Doesn't hold much water with me since his closest female friends are a 21 year old "homewrecker" and a woman who has left her kids in daycare since they were 6 weeks old.

I am with Pep and Wonderings here.

It's like after I had my A, sometimes we would be watching TV, and someone would be having an affair, and I would make an a comment like "that's awful" and H would get mad as how dare i be such a hipocrate. The thing is - I KNOW it was bad, but because I had an affair, I can't point out that it was bad?

Your H's OW is one thing, and he may have picked someone different that what he put on his EN, but it can be that way. It doesn't mean it's not his EN just because OW wasn't like that.

And pointing out those in the bitter tone you had, wont encourage H to stay, but justify him leaving. I made the same comments pre my A, and had to learn to change those, no one deserves my sharp tongue, and my tongue, like yours, becomes a weapon when I am hurt, hurting those in my wake.

I am so glad to see both of you trying. You guys can do this - just hang in there - gut it out - and focus on making changes to yourself....you can't change the other person!


Dorry (aka Deeplysorry)
me FWW - EA/PA fall of 2004
FWH EA/PA late spring 2005
Got our acts together July 2005 and started recovery.

The Recovery Guide for WW's (Wayward Wives)
Dorry's Story

[color:"blue"]Excuses are easy...change is hard....[/color]
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WH and I had a pleasant day yesterday and took kiddies over to another couple's house for Labor Day fun. On the way over to the other house, things seemed pretty upbeat..WH said he is feeling pretty much like we should give the MB approach a try.
This morning, however, things seem to have reversed again. WH is very negative, doesn't think we'll ever be able to climb that mountain. Doesn't think we'll ever have adult love for each other again. Doesn't think he can trust me to stay with him after we try the process. Doesn't want to open his life up to scrutiny so I can verify NC. He says he understands why I need to know where he is, who he talks to, what is going on during overnight trips, etc., but he does not think he can live, as he puts it, "Under a microscope."
I'm trying to be positive, but given that OW/OG is still trying to contact him (cell phone calls last night) I'm not going to bargain about NC, right? Is this what you guys call 180's? Any advice on being supportive without caving in on enforcing the NC would be great!

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Well, well, well. It appears that WH's negative thoughts have resulted in him changing his computer password again, so I cannot verify that he has not been emailing OW/OG. I'm sure he'll probably come home, sanitize his email, and open it back up to me. This tells me....what? Help me out here, folks!


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Title,
I very much agree that we are both making a strong effort. Thank you iam. Its not easy for me either.

Toolman,

As long as you are in contact with OW you are not making any effort at all. I understand you've spent a lot of time with this girl and it is extremely difficult to break it off cold turkey but if you are honestly committing to trying the MB principles with regards to restoring your marriage you must committ and adhere steadfastly to no contact. It is the requisite first step to re-establishing trust before recovery can begin. Ima is required to continue to Plan A you and not expect you to meet her needs while you go through a withdrawal period of 3 to 6 weeks. Both of you need patience that everything will not be fixed in your marriage overnight. It took the both of you years to get to this low point in your marriage so a few months to marital reconciliation is a reasonable expectation. You both have a lot of growing to do but continued contact with OW is only making things worse. Toolman, if you do not want to live under a microscope then live a completely open and honest life and eventually Ima will stop needing to check up on you. The sooner you establish "No Contact", the sooner trust will be re-established and the less damage you'll do to a already fragile marriage.

Good luck. I know this is difficult for you but you are an intelligent person and you know deep down what you have to do.

Mr. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Ima,

Just a thought but you expressed policeman type terms to No contact. "No contact" is a choice. It is a gesture by WS to BS that they are indeed committed to saving the marriage, that OP is not going to stick around as a back up plan, and that OP will never be involved in your lives again. It can't be enforced so to speak, just expected. Toolman needs to open up his life so he is not tempted to break this committment and so you can moniter to insure he is living up to his word. Toolman can not expect you to trust him, heck he can't even trust himself. The addiction is overwhelming and as difficult as this is for you Toolman needs your assistance and support not the whip.

Mr. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Thank you for comments Mr. W. I don't understand how I can trust that there is NC if emails and phone messages are not accessible for me. It's bad enough that I have to trust that NC will occur while WH is on the road for overnight trips, but are you saying I should blindly accept that NC is happening without any verification? WH has not proven to be trustworthy. I am going to continue Plan A, and try to have faith in MB way, but I'll never forgive myself if I open up and get hurt again.

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