Post deleted by LostMyself

Post deleted by LostMyself

LM,

At the very least he sounds like he is having an EA within himself. All WS' slip up and get sloppy. In time he won't even care about that.

So it is important you learn and implement a plan A for you. Work on improving yourself and building your self esteem.

You can't reason or help a WS in denial. Most Ws' are in some sort of denial. It is part of the A phase.

Secure your finances and get you and your child to a safe place. Worry about getting your H back and NOT this possible pedofile WS.

Have you read Surviving an Affair (by Dr W. Harley)? Please read that and Love must be tough (by Dr. James Dobson).

take care,
L.

Post deleted by LostMyself

Post deleted by LostMyself

You have a great insight ... you want your old H back, don't you think your H might want old W back too ?. There are many college offers online degree now days, check it up.

Are you ready to do that ?. what does it solve ?.

-rh-

You are absolutely right that my H must be missing the old me. I've seen lots of examples here of depression in the BS leading to an A in the other spouse. I know my H is depressed himself, though he doesn't show it in the typical ways. He must be lonely. We are very friendly, talking about everything all day long. It's just R stuff that is a wreck. When my SIL and MIL were here, he saw the three of us really affectionate with each other and having a great time. He must have felt left out to some degree. When my inlaws were here, I laughed and had fun and was my silly old self. I had forgotten what I'm really like. I have been as absent as H. And we always shared everything together -- every feeling. Now, we are both emotionally withdrawn as far as the R goes.

I am thinking of going back to school. I can barely stand the thought. But, I need to be independent and able to hold a job down again if I have to. I have years and years of school -- actually have a PhD, but I've been out of my career loop so long, I'm worried about getting back into my old career again. I may have to retrain, but I'm dealing with all the issues of going back into the job market as a middle-aged woman who's been out of the job market for years.


Good question. It would likely solve nothing and only humiliate him and drive a bigger wedge between us. It's my fault for the most part that we have no sex life. I suppose I should deal with my own issues so I can be a decent wife again. And though he hit lots of teen sites, he was on many sites with older women too. The teen stuff really freaked me out.

I've got this terrible fear of being dumped in middle-age and him taking up with a young woman. If I'm not careful, I may put the whole thing in motion.

Am I overreacting to this porn thing? Do men who look at the stuff look at teenagers as a rule or is this something above and beyond the normal stuff?

I know how you feel but you need to find your old self and even new & improved self for now.

Do what you have to and just to let you know. I am in my second years of grad. school at 41 yr. old to switch career. Many people switch and restart their career at late age. The good thing is we have a clean slate & from the bottom to start.

Men tend to look for younger meat ... sorry. Yes, this issue will have to address but you have more urgent thing to resolve.

-rh-

Lost,

In reading your first post, before I came to any of the stuff regarding mental illness, I had an overwhelming feeling that mental illness could be a factor here...I'm not even completely sure why...but I grew up with a father that has bipolar disorder and something in your post just made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up...strange, huh? Those of us that have experienced mental illness first hand have a very unique intuition where it's concerned...the issues of control in your situation, the sex stuff, the getting "stuck" on the germs(they often obsess about one thing or another in different "episodes")and the staying up all night long do fit with certain elements of bipolar disorder...I would have to have more specifics, but perhaps you should do some reading about this disorder...there are many sites out there, but even those don't mention all of the little idiosyncrisies associated with this life altering disorder...you might try www.NIMH.com for starters...if you'd like to share other details of your husband's different behaviors, I'd be glad to listen and offer any insight that I can...God Bless You!

Mrs. Wondering

I have decided to delete my posts. I don't feel comfortable going public with all this. I don't want to cause more problems in my M if H sees all this. I just wanted to say thanks for all the help and support you all gave me. The advice of Orchid, Red Hat and The Wanderings is all extremely helpful and I'll be thinking a lot about what you all say. I'm going into Plan A now and I'll resurface later for advice. I'll continue reading and being inspired by all of you here. You've shown me how to get through the lowest times and have some hope for the future.

Thanks.

... as long as you don't post pictures, name or anything that could be tied to you ... this is as anon as anything on the net. You could edit/delete your posts (I would do the same later) or ask the moderator to delete this thread.

Anyway .. good luck -rh-

Hey LM,

Your sitch isn't different than many others. That's sad I know but you are among those who understand.

Let me know if you want me to delete my posts also. We want you t/b safe. We want you to survive and be happy.

All the best,
L.

Orchid and RH, there's no need to delete your posts or the thread, but thanks for not jumping on me for being a wienie and backing out. One of H's biggest LBs is divulging info about our R or problems to other people. I've referred some friends to this site, so I don't know if there was enough info to ID us, but I feel way, way better now that the big posts are off.

RH, your advice has been so on and so helpful, that it's kept me from doing some stupid things. I really need some outside perspective, especially from a man's point of view. So, I've decided to keep posting as I've launched off into a serious Plan A.

I've been doing lots of soul-searching to see how I've contributed to this mess and I have plenty of blame and plenty I can do to change. I was worried that H had stopped loving me and that it would be hard to get him to have intense feelings for me again. We've both been in withdrawal off and on for the last 4 years and some pretty deep withdrawal. So I worried I wouldn't be able to coax him out. But I've been surprised with how much he's responded!

One of his biggest ENs, SF, has been completely lacking for a long time. It's stupid we ever got here, because we both have a healthy interest. Over the years, I have let my resentments and insecurities trash that and he has felt hurt and rejected. We go through cycles of having SF and dry spells. As our M as hit bottom over the last year, it's been dry for months and months. I can't even remember the last time -- maybe close to a year? So who can blame the poor guy for looking for an outlet of some kind. RH - you helped me to put the whole porn thing in perspective and to not embarrass and confront my H about it. What I did, was tell myself to grow up and be a wife and completely put out of my mind that he would compare my middle-aged body to young women. I decided to separate my issues and resentment with him from SF, and just live in the moment.

H hasn't made any overtures in ages. We have only started having a tiny bit of affection in the last week or so and it's very, very little. But yesterday morning when I got up, H was still up working and when he made a move, I went with it whole-heartedly and unreservedly. I really do love the guy and I am really attracted to him. Our kid was still sleeping, so we closed the living rm door and had LOTS of SF that was very intense and nice. When I snooped this morning, no porn was looked at last night. I think that if I make sure he has SF, he may not look at it at all. I feel so much better today, knowing that he didn't access the stuff. I don't know if he's been looking at it all along or he had just started. He doesn't seem to be the porn type. He hasn't bought any books or mags or anything in over 20 years. I have no way of knowing if he's been doing anything behind my back for all these years, but I'm letting it go. I'm focusing on us and our R and I think (hope) that the porn problem will take care of itself.

I'm shocked at how much he's responding to Plan A. I've been doing a halfway version for the last several weeks and incorporating some of it (with major slip-ups) for the last several months. I have to walk a line between avoiding LBs and standing up for myself when H is verbally abusive and rude. Last week, when H started in, I told him that the way he was speaking to me was demeaning (in a calm voice) and asked him how he would feel if I spoke that way to him? He made excuses for it, but I just ignored it and walked away. My old mode would be to argue back. We tend to bicker and fight it out, until we have a winner (really until one gives up) and we have verbally beaten each other bloody. The cycle is that he talks down to me, barks orders, makes scathing comments, and I react in a negative way with defending myself, arguing about the original thing he said, frowning and anger. So I'm trying to break the cycle. But I wanted to let him know that he can't treat me that way. We are doing pretty well -- w/out even having a talk about it, I can see him responding and really trying.

My way of dealing with problems is to hash it all out, look at causes, examine the whole history, plan out how to fix it, talk and talk and talk about it. That has driven him nuts and made everything so much worse. So for the last several months, I have dropped the big, involved R-talk and I'm just trying to change my own behavior. I have a long way to go, but it's helping to see that it WORKS!

I think that if I can get the SF problem taken care of (for him and for me, because I have just ignored that need myself) it's going to lay the foundation and good feeling to tackle the rest of our problems. Yesterday, we were both affectionate to each other through much of the day--the most affection in a long, long time. I did slip up a bit later in the day when he talked down to me, so still lots of work to do.

I'm dealing with the priority issues now. But in the back of my mind, I have a plan for his obsessive behavior. It's another low-key approach, but I think it might work. But only if I can get our R back to one of love and mutual respect. If he trusts and respects me, he'll be more open to changing, I think.

One big life lesson from having marital problems that I've learned is patience. I've had to be so patient and it seems like you wait and wait and wait. For the last few years, I just waited, feeling terrified and watching everything get worse and not knowing what to do. MB has really helped and seeing how other people have implemented a plan and changed themselves and their M has really helped me to look at this more objectively and see what I need to do. Just the responses I got from one day of posting have made a huge difference already. Thanks. I feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time and I feel less helpless knowing that there is something I can do. Whether or not H responds, at least I am making myself feel better. And I have hope that he will respond.

Lost,

So glad to see you back, please do keep us updated...More importantly, take care of you...are you seeing a counselor? Verbal abuse can do so much damage to a person, it breaks my heart that you are going through that on top of everything else...((((HUGS))))

Mrs. Wondering