Yesterday would have been our 5yr anniversary but almost 2 months ago, I asked him to stay the night at a friends to allow us to cool off. He'd been drinking and was being disrepectful in his promise to be home for dinner. It was an accumulation of things that had been taking place over the past 6mos since we had started his new business. He'd been letting it fail and not working on it and letting me pick up all his financial obligations. He got more and more depressed and his drinking increased. No money for bills but always money to go out.

Well he didn't go to his friends, he went right back up to the bar where he proceeded to go home with a strange woman with whom he's been with ever since. This is not typical of him, he's always been faithful and never believed in affairs. However, she is an alcoholic and has been keeping him quite happy by now increasing his drinking to a daily basis. He's gone from drinking 2 days a week to drinking from the time he wakes up until he passes out.

His other business partner got furious and took him out of the business when he took the last of the money from the business and took OP out of town. He and OP now blame me for taking the business away when I had nothing to do with it...even after the business partner told OP, she still blames me..she still wants me to pay his bills for him. He also blames me for trying to make his life miserable and his drinking. But he told me to move on with my life and I have.

I have an excellent therapist and have been reading excessively all the codependent books. Everytime we run into each other and I am happy etc...he gets in my face and tries to start things. He even made threats against me. He calls me excessively on the 2 days when OP is at work. I don't pick up the phone and then he makes more threats. I've been in Plan B since the day he left since he said he wanted his freedom, I gave it to him.

We have mutual friends and he and OP have been making threats against them. Also, telling them to leave me alone and not to believe all my lies. Even his best friend has now turned his back on him because of all this drama. His parents are behind me and together we had him committed last week to rehab but since he was over age he was able to check himself out after 24hrs. He is refusing to do the Outpatient Services. Of course now, I am to blame for this also.

OP is solely supporting him now. He's almost 2 months behind in car payments. She only works 2 days a week in her job and they have already had to borrow money from her parents to make the mortgage at the house. They are all that they have right now since his friends have turned their backs on him. I know him better than anyone and know that he is feeling like a caged animal. He depends on his friends and now he has nothing.

I've done my best to move forward...in the process of opening a store and my friends have been the best and are supportive of me in this new venture. I just don't understand why if he wants out does he continue to reach out for me. He says that he does want to get back together but now is not the time.

In my heart of hearts, I would like to see things work out for us in the future on a different level. We had a wonderful life together before the drinking and depression overcame him, despite what he is thinking now and what he is doing. I am committed to moving my life forward and proving to myself that I can do it. I know I have his attention as he is watching and listening to everything that I do because when I show any signs of moving forward, dating etc...that's when he goes nuts.

Thoughts on this?

Lisa, I would stick to your Plan B and avoid any contact with him whatsoever. He sounds like a low bottom drunk and his only salvation is to hit rock bottom. The best thing you can do for him is to allow to fall and protect yourself in the meantime. Remove yourself from his insanity completely and don't even consider reconciliation until he has sobered up and is in a 12 Step program like AA.

When you say you are in Plan B what exactly do you mean? Plan B means a complete seperation that is initiated with a letter that outlines a path back with stated conditions. Have you done this?

Lisa,

Stay away from dating for now and take care of yourself first. You did a great job, in MB, there is no plan A/B for infidelity w/o other addictions. However if you still want him back, the old him that you love, you should somehow let him know that you will be there for him if he agrees to ammend you.

-rh-

We honestly never got to the letter stage. There has been so much drama the past month. Friends of ours and he and I were going into a business lease for rental space and he ended up screwing them pretty bad w/his lies...one thing after another he's been lying to everyone including his best friend. We had a "Carefrontation" with him a couple of weeks ago and let him know the jig was up and we were all now in the same place. That he needed to face his responsibilites to everyone involved or be out. When he realized this he made threats against me for it because his back was up against the wall.

We'd had a couple of conversations where he indicated he still loved me but wasn't ready to come home. We finally all brought him his belongings last week and said we were all done with him. He's hurt everyone including his family and best friend the past month.

He's been out to hurt me. Everytime he feels he is losing control over me and the situation he goes ballistic. He even has the nerve to ask our closest friend if I had gone psycho yet. He was not happy when he heard that I had even started dating again. Not really dating, but apparantly he is jealous that I have moved forward as he gave me permission to do. He wants me to suffer pain and when he sees me or any of us having a good time he just starts war with all of us. He's not saying that the two of them are moving away..they've conveniently picked the place he and I were moving to once my daughter has finished school. I overheard her a couple of weeks ago brag about her pet name he had given her...LOL!! It's my name. He can't even be original with her. It's like he's trying to pick up our relationship and move forward with her as me. Now OW has gotten involved and gotten into the faces of our friends also making threats.

We decided it was in the best interest of everyone's sanity to just let him and her be. He's hitting rock bottom pretty quickly. His car note is now 2 months past due...he is overdrawn in his bank account. They have a roommate who is pretty upset about the situation and is telling him to his face that he is drunk all the time and needs to get a job because he is tired of contributing to the house while he is there freeloading off them both. He's asked for a meeting with his exbusiness partner today to talk. She is done with him and what's no part of him coming back to the business.

Sadie, I would work on a Plan B letter that stipulates that:

1. you love him
2. will not watch him destroy himself with booze and become a stumble bum
3. you must end all contact with him until he sobers up and enters a 12 step program

Short, sweet, FIRM and to the point. That is what an alcoholic responds to. After you send it, it will be real important to keep to your word and STAY DARK. He will do everything to get you to break your committment to no contact, you can't let him do that.

I would also suggest checking out Alanon.

I would pattern your letter somewhat after thefurnituremans' letter but take out most of the sentimental, sappy parts [that is not effective on an alcoholic]: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

Here is my rough draft

******************

Dearest H,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, and our relationship. I’ve been through some tough moments since you decided to leave.

The five years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears, and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I am not perfect, that I am human, just like you. I thought that I had given you everything you had needed and wanted in life and in love. I thought we had it all. I thought together that you and I could conquer the world since we had always overcome every obstacle that came our way, together as a team. I guess it wasn’t enough. I apologize for letting you down. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

To a person like me, who expected to spend the rest of my life with you, it was a severe shock to see our relationship come to an end. I understand now in speaking with your dad that you had wanted to end our relationship several months ago, but felt forced to stay because of my close relationship with them. I feel a little shell-shocked as I look at the hand-made commitment ring that you gave me just a couple of months ago. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching and I understand how truly painful this must have been on you to have pretended to be in a relationship that you were not really into.

As I reflect back on our relationship, I am reminded that you were with me of your own free will. Now you say you want out of our relationship and you want your freedom, obviously I have to let you go. If you never call me again then I will respect your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I am going to make it. I know that the love that I had for you and the love that we shared together will never be touched by others.

It hurts me that you have chosen to turn your back on everyone who loves you and has tried to help you. It hurts me that you have chosen to drink your life away, when I know better than anyone the love in your heart and the potential that you have for doing great things. It hurts me to see you this way. I hope that now by setting you free that you will be able to seek the peace of mind that you have been searching for.

Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen. I have always been committed to our relationship. I still believe in my heart, that we can build a relationship that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life. I love you with all of my heart.

Love always,

Me

*****************************

sexy,

You are getting great advice from one of our resident pro's Melody. Follow her advice, especially when it runs counter to everything that seems right to you.

PS I am not a fan of a Plan B letter that runs more than 3-4 sentences. If your WS doesn't know the rest, you sure as ****** won't be able to tell them. The wordier you get,it makes the letter much more vulnerable to interpretation and dilutes the main message....which is "I am out of here if you continue to disrespect me and our marriage" PERIOD

I pray that God gives you the strength necessary for the route you have chosen. It is not easy to carry out but is designed to protect YOU.

Thank you...my concern and please do help me out here...we've had major drama in the past month. I want to reassure him that despite it all I am positive we can overcome this because I know that our love is strong. Perhaps I should just let the dust settle so to speak for a bit and see what happens and forgo the letter all together.

sexy,

I repeat, you can not educate, tell, resolve, or change anything by any word , thought or deed. This man is in the depths of his own personal h*ll. Your silence will speak louder than a stadium full of screaming fans

Thats what I thought. I have been doing pretty good so far as has all his friends by turning their backs towards him. He knows down inside we still love him, we just don't love or approve the man he has become recently. We don't know him. I just thought after Melody's post that I needed a letter. I honestly think not. We'll just let it ride out as it has been. He's already been in contact w/his ex business partner...enough said, he realizes there that he has screwed up pretty bad. Today he will find out that he is no longer wanted there.

Thank you!!

sexy,

Melody was talking about a formal Plan B letter. Please follow her advice as to that route, she knows of what she speaks. My advice was regards to general communications with the WS. Communication that every BS wants to make but at it's core is VERY counterproductive.

I guess this is where I am clueless. He asked everyone to just leave him alone. EVERYONE!! That lasted four days before he contacted his expartner yesterday. So, in reality, what good would my letter do? Sorry, don't mean to be purposefully be clueless here...but at this point, shouldn't we just let him go, including me. He's refused rehab, he knows he can come home if he cleans up but he doesn't want anything or anyone except for her because she is buying his alcohol. He knows how I feel about his drinking and he's said he's done...for now.

Quote:

"he knows he can come home if he cleans up "

Do I need to say anything else?

Nope...I think the message has been stated loud and very clear!!

Sadie

I finally had the time to go read your response to me on the A&B forum.

I'm a little confused.

Are you legally married right now? Is the 'anniversary' a wedding anniversary or a relationship anniversary?

It is our relationship anniversary. We are not legally married but had been living together for almost 5yrs now.

Just spoke with his business partner...all he wanted to talk to her was about getting the rest of his stuff that we had forgotten...so he can move forward.

At this point...all I can do is just wish him well. Let him go to find himself and his happiness and give up waiting on him to come around. I obviously cannot compete with her and a bottle of JD at this point in his life and I don't want to.

We had a good life together...it was his choice to go down this path of self-destruction. I don't want to be a party to it.

sexy sadie- you crack me up about the bottle of jd!

my 25th will be Sept 1st- oh yeah im looking forward to that!