I found the ow email address that ws had been sending to and after no sleep and being up til 4am this morning- i sent this email to her: Dear Vanessa-
I am writing to you to let you know how hurt and betrayed I am with you
having an affair and sex with my husband. We have been married for 24 years.
We have had our ups and downs but thru all of this we have 3 beautiful
children.
I dont know what Tony has told you about our marraige (that he didnt love me
or stopped- we werent getting along, I didnt understand him, etc. ) but
nothing could be further from the truth.
We married young at 19 and have grown up together. We went thru the lean
years and worked to provide our family with a warm and safe home. We
scrapped together and were able to purchase our first home and then the
dream died when I have found out that you two had been seeing each other
while working at work. Everyone knows but me.
The night that I found you two toghether was a knife in my heart. Tony was
my first love and to see him in the arms of another- well the hurt is there.
Our children have seen a once loving husband turn away from us. Everyday a
little more.
I have tried to Talk to him and let him know I still love him and want to
make our marraige work because I still see the hope there- but he cant seem
to let you go.
Vanessa - You had a husband and Im sure back when you were in love you felt
the world was yours. He has told me that I should worry when he dosent call
me or talk to me.
I dont know what he told you why he dosent loveme anymore or even if you all
have discussed me. I m sure you really dont care about me and my feelings
but I just wantedyou to know there is real love here. I want to fight for my
marraige and you may say it's between him and me- but Icant do this with 3
people in the triangle.
Can you let me know really what he is telling you and are you two in love? I
am not trying to stalk you or anything I am trying to fight for my husband.

She got it this morning and im wndering if she is going to tell him- will he be mad and lb- will things change or do you think shewill ignore. will t make a diffrence or they will both just laugh at me?

I tried to recall but couldnt.

I'm so sorry, Winter...

Did you read what I said to you on your other thread about the OW/

I did not read your E-mail because, believe me, it does not matter what you say to her..

She will use it against you at this time....

I just saw it. What do I do?What have I done?Is it too late?

NO! It's never too late...

I have to run out for a bit now...will check back with you a little later....

Winter,

Contacting the OP is as futile as telling your WS that you love them. I agree with mimi, it will probably come back to haunt you. Don't worry, we all make some mistakes. Get a plan that you can committ to and stick with it.


You are in my prayers

i did the same thing

somethings are not the smartest but we just feel we have to try

anyway...just hope it causes an argument between them...at lest that's something

and the other woman was "so surprised" that my husband had told her i refused to make changes, take any blame forour problems, go to counseling, or work on our marriage...(what he LIED to HER)

i'm sure that after she talked to him he convinced her i lied...but it had to plant a seed of doubt..i mean if all that were tru why would i bother contacting her and asking her to please walk away and let us work on our marraige?

she even said she would! then she called my husband and told him i was crazy...if she does respond to you take what she says as most likely LIES!!

anyway...it got no better from my contact

worse for a day or so...then it blew over

no big deal...you'll be fine

ok thanks

eve- are you in recovery or still in the thick of things?

i am in so thick i can't see the world around me let alone a path that will lead back to my marriage

Here's my two cents worth...

In general, contact with OP does nothing at all...possibly damages your position (makes you look vindictive, unites the 'couple' against you, etc) but you have to do what is good for YOU.

There are folks on here that claim contact with the OP was a turning point, and caused a real wedge with the A couple, and some where it turned around to bite them in the behind (with OW claiming harrassment and RO's taken out).

My opinion is...if you feel you have words to say...send them...but be cautious about threatening or angry language, and DON'T expect anything from it...do it solely for yourself.

One night after FWH had moved out I found them both on-line at the same time on IM. I IM her, introduced myself as FWH's wife and said "We need to talk, he is lying to both of us." She got off IM, FWH wanted to know what I said to her, and then his Mom called me...she didn't know anything yet...and I told her about the A, and that he had moved out, and that I was on IM with him. I gave her his number. She called him right away...It was not a good night for him...

Winter:

I took two deep breaths and read your E-Mail to her.

As long as there is no more communication with her, I think it's fine.

In my sitch, it turned out to be valuable for the OW to know that I continued to love my H and was willing to work on the M when he was rid of her. She tried to convince him that I didn't love him, that she loved him more than I did,etc.

I only had a couple of communications with her and each time I simply told her what I said above...

I think your E-Mail was OK.

It won't make much difference in your situation, IMHO.

Now on to PLAN A ...PLAN A... PLAN A...

ok- plan a. and lots of prayer

don't apologize for the contact to him or her..

don't bring it up to him..if he does don't powerstruggle it or engage him about it..

don't DEFEND youself and the contact OVER this issue...when your spouse CAN'T defend the reality of his ACTIONS of an affair....don't bother wasting energy defending your actions of contacting her....

don't powerstruggle it if he brings it up...
don't say you can do what you want...
plead the fifth all that you can....

don't reply to her if she replies back......

ARK

Now, you've got it, WINTER!

It was so helpful to "LET GO AND LET GOD". I did everything in my PERSONAL POWER and then handed it all over to HIM.

Get to cleaning your house, making it a sanctuary that a FAMILY wants to come home to, a FAMILY including a HUSBAND...

Begin to think of yourself as his WIFE, far superior to the role of OW....preparing a place for him...

Start working out, dressing yourself up each day...to please yourself...this will make you feel 200% better...

Get as much rest as possible....

Do the fun things that YOU LIKE to do....listen to inspirational music....spend time with folks who LOVE you and will show you LOVE....

Just some thoughts for your PLAN A....

I had contact with OW and let me tell you from my personal experience....BIG MISTAKE!! BIG MISTAKE!! She came across as caring about him and ensuring me that she understood my pain because her husband left her for another woman. She told me he was miserable and still loved me and all he did was walk around sighing all the time...LOL She even hugged me at the end of our conversation after trying to convince me to talk to his business partner about giving him his share of the business back.

Afterward, she turned it all around on me and used it against me to him telling him things I had NEVER said and making him angrier...even business partner talked to her and told her the truth about everything but she cares not...she still, like him, likes to believe that I was the cause of everything.

I said my peace to her, cleansed my soul and I will stand by it...in the end she will either a) be a better woman than I for getting him to turn his life around, b) she'll continue to support him financially and let him drink to his hearts content or c) she'll find out just what he is truly like and boot him to the streets. However, since she is also an alcoholic and just seeing what he's done since he's been with her, I'm opting for option b.

Do I regret talking with her...no, because I want to believe in my heart of hearts that any real woman with a REAL heart would have sent him marching right back home to work out the relationship and would have at the very least let him get his own place to work out things before taking him in the very next day. She has no clue that all he has done is picked up where our relationship ended. He even calls her by my pet name...still cracks me up.

thanks mimi/sexy sadie- I feel a lot better because he called me and said about fixing garage and he was so dry with me that he just said that and got off the phone. I assume he knows now about the email.
It's timefor winter to control myself and help my kids.
and guess what.... I went to starbucks this morning and the guy that always fixes my cofee cake gave me his number and invited me for a drink. I put it in my wallet.
What shoud I do? Im not ready for a relationship but he just made me feel pretty and wanted for a moment.

What should you do? Surely you know what you should do. You are still married. Even if you divorced tomorrow, you would not be healed and ready to enter another relationship.

The email you sent is water under the bridge. It's history. What's done is done. Don't spend time and energy worrying about that now.

I don't think contacting the OW does any good in clearing the fog. You have no control over her or your husband.

Stay focused on what you do have control over.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

your right susan- it just felt nice that someone looked at me. I threw the number away when I went to lunch anyway. I am not going to do what my h is doing to me.
I will be going to the gym after work and then home to my kids.

It is none of our faults- we didnt choose to cheat, but it dosent make it any easier when we are left with the mess.
I am so hurt that my husband has been having this affair for a long time and I didnt see. I am the one still here crying at night - trying to fix a relationship that dosent exist because he is living with the other woman and enjoying his life while I am stuck in this pergatory of still wanting someone who didnt care or love me enough to not cheat.
I am the one who is trying to figure ways to not upset him, not to appear needy, and he is not doing anything but hurting me with his words and actions.
I feel like I am in a competition with another person who dosent belong in this triangle and Im sure she is like what is this letter going to do- he is with me every nite and she is there with the kids, bills reality ALONE.
I have prayed for my husbands heart to change to come back to me but at what price to me- my soul and self respect?
I wish that things would happen to make him suffer and feel the shame that he has put us thru- to know that his decision will effect him every waking hour, that this illusion will pop and he will wake up and tell her its over and come back.
I am tired of the pity and sorrowful faces that greet me when I go places and they know my deepest secret and say she needs to let him go- you deserve better and they are right- i do. i didnt ask for this and my husband chose the chicken way out.
Now i have to pick up the shattered pieces of a dream that we had and try to piece it back together but ultimately when I look in the mirror all I see is alone.

bump up

OK, you got it off your chest and that is good, but do not contact the OW again. Write it in a journal. I used to write my thoughts down, to H and OW. When the A was over and OW long gone (and miserable) and H home and happy again, I burned the journal.

I like the plan A advice. Hey, you are human. Face it, the OW can't be that great if she has to go after another womans H. Really that's the bottom line.

Most men go home, keep to plan A. Hugs to you, just put this behind you and keep trying to stick with the Harley's plan. There will be time for your feelings later, just journal.