Hi guys,

I'm new here. My stbxh came home this last feb to announce he wants a divorce. I was totally blindsighted by the whole thing and never once expected he was unhappy. He's said some unbelievably cruel things to me and simply left. He later confessed he met someone, a friend. At the time he said he had strong feelings for her but never once cheated on me. He left before anything happen. During the last 6 months I've been to therapy, cried a lot, reflected a lot on the relationship. I believe he has too. We're still in the divorce process and we butt heads a lot. We've kept very limited contact and I've tried to protect him from my anger. All the time I've always wanted to reconcil with him, but he absolutely refused. He still is adamant that right now, he's moved on. He has no more feelings for me. Had it been a few years ago, maybe things would be different. But he waited too long, he waited until his feelings were dead to act on it.

What led up to the divorce was me suffering from anxiety and depression for the last 8 years and I never could be completely comfortable being intimate with him. There was always that anxiety there blocking me. He's been taking it as a form of rejection, and been suffering from depression for the last 3 years. We recently met in person to discuss some legalities, and things went off topic. I realized he was still resentful towards me, and had lost his self-esteem in that area. I felt remorseful and wanted to clairify once more to him that it never had anything to do with him. I didnt want him to have this baggage in his next relationship and wanted him to have some closure. I recently sent him a letter explaining everything I was feeling and why, and he replied with his own letter. He appologized for all the cruel things he said when he left, and also regretted that he didnt act sooner in the marriage. And then went on to say how we were simply two different people and that it cannot work out. He's submissive, i'm aggressive and we're both opinionated and stuborn.

I just dont know what to do. If I tell him I love him, I know I'll push him further away. I dont want to guilt him into staying either. But I love him. I'm giving him closure because I want him to be happy, but it's tearing my heart apart. I keep telling myself he'll come back, only to have everyone, including him, say it's not going to happen. How do I fix this? How do I move on?

OneStep, so sorry to read your post.

"He later confessed he met someone, a friend. At the time he said he had strong feelings for her but never once cheated on me."

Oh yes, he most assuredly did cheat on you. He had an emotional affair and left you because of it. Yes he did, if you had no idea he was unhappy. Seems to me his "unhappiness" is a bit too convenient. And even if he was, did he not have the responsibility as your husband to reach out you for help?

"What led up to the divorce was me suffering from anxiety and depression for the last 8 years and I never could be completely comfortable being intimate with him. There was always that anxiety there blocking me. He's been taking it as a form of rejection, and been suffering from depression for the last 3 years."

So why can't he understand that this is something that the two of you can work on both individually and as a couple and that running to another woman and filing divorce is not the answer?

It is not your place to make him feel better or to give him closure. That's his job. You have concentrate on doing this for yourself, not him. You can't fix "this"; you can only fix YOU. As for your last question, read several posts in this forum. They can be very helpful. All of us have been where you are now and you can learn from us. But understand there is no magic bullet. Each persons path to wellness is one he must walk alone.

I know it was an affair. He kept secrets from me. He never told me about her and went out to lunch with her atleast 3 times. He cried to her about our marriage. My therapist and I both believe he wanted to sleep with her and that's why he left. He still denies it was an affair, but only recently he admits that keeping the secret was not right. He still protects her tho and it makes me sick.

Looking back, I was unhappy, so i do believe he was unhappy too. But he definitely had the responsiblity to take ownership in it, and he says he regrets not acting sooner, before it was too late. I hate him. He says all the "noble" things, but he still refuses to work on this relationship. I'm still riding this rollercoaster of emotions where I hate him one minute and brokenhearted the next. I am getting better tho, in time.


This is my biggest problem. I just dont understand why. I'm a pragmatic about relationships. I think it takes a lot of hard work to get to the ultimate relationship. And whether it's with him or not, I still have to tackle these problems. They're not going anywhere. I still need to learn to communicate, be more affectionate/intimate, learn to meet the other's needs. Maybe there's just too much pain in him that he wont forgive? I simply do not know. Just to clairfy, I was the one to eventually file. It was after 5 months of him saying he would file and then his lawyer coming up with excuses to postpone, week after week for 5 months, that on the advice of my own lawyer, I filed. My husband is a very passive guy and it's just typical of him not to confront his own lawyer to speed up the process, that I just started losing it, and filed.


Well if he felt constantly rejected, so much that it destroyed his self esteem, I think it's my responsiblity to tell him it had nothing to do with him. Of course he can do whatever he pleases with the information. But i couldnt live with myself knowing he was still in pain because of what I was suffering through.


I'm trying desperately to fix me. I'm tackling my anxiety and learning to become assertive as opposed to aggressive. I've read so much about everything. It's very hard to implement everything, but I am reading it and I am struggling to improve myself and become a better person for myself.

I just have a hard time with not knowing what the future will hold. Right now I see two potential outcomes and I'm sitting in limbo scared to follow the other path too soon in hopes the other path will come true. The other path will lead me to another city back home with my friends and family. And right now there's so much to finish off with the legalities of the divorce that I'm taking my time to relax and get prepared for my next phase in life.

As for my stbxh, he recently told me he's still going to therapy. He's learning a lot about himself and trying to figure out why he waited so long before acting. In the heat of the moment, I told him to give me my stuff and i'll be out of your life forever and he responded "You dont have to be out of my life forever". I think he still wants me to be his friend, but he doesnt see me as a romantic life partner. I dont know if I want to be in his life if we're not together. For the time being, I'm implementing very very limited contact, and only contact to deal with the legalities. I'm tired of being the one to reach out to him, and I feel I deserve to have someone chase me. I've never had that. But at the same time, I love him and dont want to let go.

Thank you very much for listening and giving me your advice.

One Step, I think you're doing great. It's a good sign your STBX doesn't want you out of his life forever. A lot depends on how much you can handle. If you are willing to go very slowly, be friends, endure the pain of watching the man you love be with another, suffer when he comes and tells you the problems he's having with her, if you can stand that, I think you've got a shot at saving the relationship. It's a lot to stand though.

A big challenge you'll have to face is the sexual fulfillment issue. Obviously, you can't meet his physical needs the way you can meet his needs for admiration, conversation, companionship, and that certain something that has to do with affirmation. Yet, until you prove you can be the sex partner he dreamed of, he's going to be very wary. Because there's another woman involved, the whole process will take longer, if it happens at all.

Yet, I can't help but see some signs he is ambilvielent about divorcing you.

To follow up. Do not hate him OneStep. Hatred is the poison of the soul and it only hurts you.

Your rejection cannot really hurt his self-esteem. Only he can do that. He has to take ownership of that too. The only responsibility you have is to be hones about the things you know you did wrong. But he has left you for another and while he is gone and with another woman, he as abdicated any rights in this regard.

Fixing yourself will take time and considerable effort. Don't be desperate about getting this done. Deperate people don't always make the right choices.

While I agree that you don't have to be out of his life forever, he's just using this as a way of trying to assuage his guild. Almost every WS who throws his/her marriage away does this. I believe you already understand that there are some legal issues to be discussed and that is what lawyers are for. As for the two of you, you may wish to consider having no contact. -- at least for some time to come. Unless he decides that he is willing to end his relationship with the OM and work with you on restoring your marriage, there is nothing really for the two of you to talk about right now. You need to start working through your grief and you can't do that when the two of you are doing a pychological post mortum on your marriage. You both have therapists to help you with that.

Thank you. I understand what you are saying, but honestly, I do not think I have the strength to do that. I just cannot see him being with someone else fulfilling all the dreams I wanted us to have with her. That would be too much torture for me to bare. I think what I'm hoping for is if I implement strick no contact like I've been doing, after the letter I just recently sent, that his heart will open up and he'll come back.

You're right. Maybe hating him isnt what I meant but hating what he is doing. I hate the fact that he just gave up. Truely, deep down in my heart, I want him to be happy. It's so hard to explain. I now understand what it means to hate and love a person at the same time.


I've been very honest about everything that I've done. I tried to explain to him this in the beggining, but he simply didnt hear me. So I implemented no contact for 6 months up until last week where I wrote him the letter. I felt there was enough time that passed, I grieved a lot, let go a lot of my anger (and there was a LOT of anger lol), that I could emotionally handle another rejection if there would be one.


Gee, you're right. I'm still desperate to fix this. Something for me to think about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I believe that might be more accurate. I still grasp onto these small crumbs as hope for reconcilation, but I do think he has a lot of guilt. And since he is a very passive guy, i dont want to get him back because he feels guilty. I want him to come back because he wants too.


lol That made me laugh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you for that!

What sort of Plan A have you done?

Plan B without a solid Plan A for a foundation can be very, very risky.

There was no time for Plan A. He literally came home one night and moved out the next to his parents. There was a week after he left where we talked and I simply told him I always loved him, never meant to hurt him, deeply upset that he made this choice to divorce without my input, but if he's not happy, then he's not happy. But if he ever wanted me back to not make the decision that I'm better off without him. To come to me and tell me and let me make the decision if I want him back. I didnt yell at him about the other woman, I simply let him go. For the following 5 months, i experienced every single phase of grief. I sheilded him from my anger and my bargainning. I did not expose his affair to his friends. They unknowningly introduced him to the ow. Many times I wanted to tell them, but I felt it was wrong to cause THEM pain over what he did. And now I feel that it's a moot point. I dont even know if they're still together or not. I dont ask, he dont tell.

OneStep,

I am deeply confused by your posts. IN some statements you indicate you want your H back. In others you tell of actions that will guarentee that he won't be coming back. What is it you want?

Your H is not going to come back until and unless he sees that there are changes, and so far all you have done is protect him from your anger, which it sounds to like you did not do before. Further, you want him to risk going back into the same marriage, when you have given no indication that anything is changed with you.

Since you have not plan A'd him, since you have basically told him to leave, since you have not had contact with him, since you don't even know if he is seeing the OW, how do you expect this to work?

You are saying one thing, but your actions are surely leading to divorce, is that what you want? If so you are doing well. Grieving the loss of the marriage, cutting off contact with H, pushing aside any overtures of friendship, and NOT showing any changes in your attitude toward him, intimacy, or relationships.

I am not trying to be harsh with you, what I am trying to figure out is what you TRUELY want. What are YOU committed to here? Even if you don't tell us YOU need to figure these things out.

You speak about him being passive, but obviously he did attempt to be intimate with you for years, and was rejected by you. The reasons for the rejection may be valid to you, but they gave a very distinct message...you did not want him or need him. Your actions since his announcement seem to be doing the same thing although you speak as if they are not.

Time to square up what you say with your actions, then figure out what you want and go for it. If it is this marriage YOU do have a chance but it will require that you show him that things have changed, not by just telling him but by showing him.

Please think about what I have said. You have me confused and I am sure your H is confused.

God Bless,

JL

JL, first thank you for your post. I'm extremely frustrated at the moment and I do not know where to go. I really really want my husband to come back and want to work on our marriage. We've both made huge mistakes in this marriage. We've neglected each others needs for a very long time and we both became depressed about it. But I cannot be friends with him while he's with another woman.

Second, I did not tell him to leave. He left on his own accord and in fact his initial plan was to never talk to me again. During the first month I tried to keep contact with him only to be rejected every time. He admits that he was a jerk to me in the first month so that I would know him coming back to the marriage is not an option for him. I realized the more I talked to him, the further he shut down. So I stopped contacting him, and went through all the emotions and therapy. I dont know why you say I told him to leave. I clearly told him I wanted to work on this marriage, that I always appreciated everything he did for me and that I love him. His response was he has nothing inside his heart to give me anymore. That had it been 3 years ago, maybe we would have had a chance, but now it's too late. Apparently he wanted a divorce 3 years ago, but was going through some stress at work and so he couldnt handle the pressure.

He is an extremely passive/submissive guy. He avoids conflict at all cost, and he's never once opened up to me about his feelings. He never told ANYone he was unhappy until he met her. He tried to be intimate with me for years, yes. But he never tried to be affectionate with me, and turned down my attempts at affection unless it went to intimacy. The few times I tried to overcome my own anxiety and take initiative to be intimate with him, I was called selfish. On top of that, there were a few occassions where I reached out and asked him if everything was fine in the relationship. He reassured me it was. I couldnt see clearly what I was going through. Only until I went to therapy did I find out I suffered from anxiety and depression.

I know it sounds like I'm defending myself. But honestly, I'm open to suggestions. I wrote him the letter because I noticed he still holds resentment towards me. I wanted him to understand that my rejection had nothing to do with him. He replied saying he appreciated the letter. That it made him happy and sad. And he told me all the regrets he had in this relationship. The way he left was extremely cruel, and he regretted that. He also regrets that he never acted sooner in the relationship to get help. But he finished the letter off explaining why we're not meant to be together. Our flaws just brought out the worse in each other, and he wants to find someone who will bring out the best in him.

I dont know where to go from here.

ps, let me clarify another thing. By rejecting, I dont mean we were never intimate. At the end it became once to twice a month. It just took me a while to get there and he was the one to always initiate it. But he feels he was forced to beg for it, and since my anxiety increased everytime he got close, he took it as a form of rejection.

Well, thanks everyone for the help. I've done everything that I possibly could. I've read everything on the internet, read a lot of self help books, even went to individual therapy and nothing worked. My marriage is over. My husband has decided to separate 7 months ago, and never once waivered on his decision. I gave him time, I wrote him a letter apologizing everything that I did, I prayed desperately to God. After bickering over settling the legalities of the divorce, we've finally come to an agreement. He's sent over a draft to my lawyer, and I'm about to sign it in the next few days. All we have left is to sell the house. Since this started, he hasnt once called me to see how I was doing or anything. And reflecting back on this relationship, I dont think he ever loved me. I've made a lot of sacrifices. He simply refused to meet ANY of my needs from day one, and I allowed him too. I know I"m not perfect. And I never expected him to be either. That's why I let him do anything he ever wanted to do. But I never thought he would make such a huge decision without trying. Without letting me know he was unhappy. I'll never understand how he can just walk away.

We've finally put the house up for sale. Today's our first open house. My exh and I have had a few encounters with each other since I last posted. Each interaction seems to be slightly better and better as far as resentment and bitterness goes. He hasnt done anything to make me think he wants to come back, but there's less tension each time I see him. The only things that have happened are:

1) he's accidentally let it slip that he's been looking at my personal website. When confronted, his only excuse was "It's a public website".

2) I asked him to do something around the house before the frost comes and his response was "Dont worry, I'll be back a few more times. I can do it then. I have to come back anyways with a truck to pick up my stuff".

3) Yesterday, he came over to help with the lawn. He said this time he only had an hour, and when the hour was up, he wasnt finished, so he stayed another hour. This last time, I actually decided to go outside and help him. We shared a few pleasantries, but nothing wow.

I dont know what he's thinking. I wish I knew how to read his mind. I dont know how to get his attention. We were never really flirty, so if I start to flirt with him now, it would be very unnatural. How do I get my own husband's attention?!

Hi StillConfused:

Your story is so much like mine, you just made me see myself in you. I'll pray to God for you, so that you can successfully have what you so much want no matter what it is.

I hope you are still around, your post was from last month.I'm confussed myself as to what to do. I related with you where you don't know if you want to keep your distance or not, but if their problem is lack of communication we are doind all the opposite, we need to confront them but in the best terms ever, let them see that it is not that we don't want to communicate with them but it's their way of handling things, you know how? by guiding them thru the conversation and if they behave their old way tell them: ok, but realize I am only trying to be rational and they'll realize little by little WHY we no longer talk with them or avoid them.

My STBXH realized this but he dared to say that it was because I pushed his buttons and I told him NO, IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GETTING YOUR WAY WITH ME AND ALL I'M TELLING YOU IS THAT I DON'T AGREE, THAT'S ALL, BUT SHOW ME WHY I'M WRONG- and as easy as that we had a conversation, he still got upset at the end because I didn't give him his shotgun but it's under my name and I have to protect my name.

The conversation was good, sad it was about divorce. I no longer even try to tell him we can work things out, because the more I tried when I was still at home the more he rejected me and I no longer expose my heart to it. I begged and cried and held him, kissed him tenderly, sat next to him, spent time trying to convince him that we were ok together and he said -IF GOD WOULD WALK THRU THAT DOOR AND TELL ME YOU TWO ARE GOOD TOGETHER I WOULD STAY FOR EVER BUT THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN AND I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T LOVE YOU-

Yeap these words and many more are killing me day by day, and a friend of mine said VERONICA, IF HE COULD SEE HOW YOU BATTER YOURSELF HE WOULD BE SO PROUD OF HIM, HE HAS TRAINED YOU SO WELL TO DO THIS THAT HE DOSN'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY IT, YOU DO THE JOB FOR HIM - and it made me laugh and it made me think, but I can't stop crying because I miss the man I knew and loved, that's all. After we talked this past Wednesday I know he is still in there somewhere but has lost himself in the other Mariano that God knows where he came from.

I miss him too and I understand you like you have no idea. But I wanted sex all the time because I liked the way he did it, he wasn't perfect but neither was I, but I loved him and that made it perfect. I was a Virgin when I met him so he is all I know and I wish it would stay like that.

I miss him, I miss his hairy body and his breathe, his eyes, his sexy lips, all of him, if he only knew.

Thank you so much for your response. I will pray for you too!


Oh how I do know how you feel. It's when I see those remenants of the man I use to love that I start to fall apart. I cannot understand how he can just walk out on the marriage. No warning, no trying, simply home one day and gone the next. And I blame myself a lot when he's not around. You are right, he's programmed it inside my head so that i can do it when he's not around. God, how I need to stop doing that and just pray for my own happiness.


The same here. He is all that I know and all that I've wanted. I will always love him, even if he no longer loves me. I just wish someone had the magic answer and would wave a wand and make him see the light. We could have had a good marriage.


Thank you so very much for responding. It helps to know Im not alone. God bless!

Hey OneStep:

Yeap, I'm here, well I wanted to stay away from this place but I can't, I need the support from every possible way and form.

Well, today I tried for one last time, I asked and was rejected in a very cold hearted way, I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles, what did I expect??? I did what I had to do and wanted to spit it out of my chest since it was killing me, I said it, I did, so now I must move on. Hard and I've cried all morning but there must be some sunlight some where in some place.

Here in Houston it's been raining so I've seen it like if God cries with me or for me.

Where does it stop? I don't know, but people are getting more chances day by day, yes!, there's more women than man out there but somebody has to see who I am and wonder WHO IS THAT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, I NEED TO MEET HER! Yeah, I'm day dreaming but this must be a BLESSING IN DISGUISE TO BE PREPARED FOR THE REAL MAN IN YOUR LIFE, that's what they say, so I must believe.

How are you doing? I hope you are well, it concernse me to see how long it'se been since your separation and you still feel in the same emotional place as you were before. What hope do you foresee to move on any time soon? Do you feel that time is still stuck in your pain? Or do you feel a little bit better? What have you done to feel better and be who you were before? Since we seem so alike I can see that it's not easy to be who you never knew you were or to find who you really are, right?


Mariano, I tried and that makes me feel better with myself, despite the pain of your answers.

hopetexas, my heart goes out to you. You are a very strong woman and will get through this. Have faith in that! I still relapse from time to time, like the other day i posted, but things have definitely improved since this whole divorce thing started. I cant say that I'm completely over him, because I'm not. But I'm better most days than not. It does take a really long time tho and it's one heck of a rollercoaster. But have faith that you can get through it just like I am doing. Each hurdle will set you back. It was very hard to sign the divorce papers, and now I'm selling the house. But the pain isnt nearly as bad as it once was. But it's also very scary to start my life over again and I'm trying to find who I am without him. I think it will take a lot of time before that happens.

Thank you one step, and mine to yours. Today I feel better, I feel happy, I don't want to over due it because excess is bad.

I'm reading a book about metaphysics and it's helping me. Have you ever heard of it? they say that when you have a problem or a question and if you have your book infront of you, you should just open it and it will tell you what you need to hear, it makes you feel better, it really does. It's like WOW, I DIDN'T SEE IT THAT WAY!! kind of books and studies.

It's not a religion it's about the power you have as a human being to make your life better by believing in yourself, about seeing the things you thought of but didn't think you had done by just thinking about it.

Try it and share it with friends and talk about, you will be surprised.