I received the following email this morning from WH:


We separated for a month, and he came back July 16, saying he came back for us, not the kids. He hasn't put forth one ounce of effort since coming back, he tells me he is still in love with the OW. I asked him last week if he wanted a D, and he said he didn't want to leave.

What do I do now? Please help.

I'm not an experienced MB, so I won't try to give you advice, I just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you. Have you guys sought counseling?? I will pray that this works out for you guys.

Are you guys in counseling? I recommend contacting Steve Harley immediately and get him to start getting you guys moving.

In His arms.

This is typical for early on in RECOVERY. Withdrawal lasted for at least 6 months of NC with the FOW with my H. He's missing the OW, trying to convince himself that he came back out of duty in order to convince himself to return to her.

My FWH did the same thing...

He is now very much in love with ME...

Just make sure that there has been no more contact. Withdrawal begins again with each contact and can last awhile...

Tell him you understand... let him know that you are sure that his feelings will eventually change... be supportive and there for him....try to think of fun things to do... no R talk right now....

I see this as withdrawal..continued fog....

Thanks everyone. We were in MC together, then he decided he was done with her because she was so pro-making it work. After that email I went with an unconventional approach on this site, and probably through up the biggest love buster, but I went off on him, with lots of pent up emotions. I told him I am tired of all of this, and seeing him miserable makes me miserable, and I don't want to be miserable because I want to enjoy my kids because they are growing so fast. I told him he left, didn't see her or me, and chose to come back to me after a month and started NC with her, then once he came back he didn't bother to try. He admits he hasn't tried since being back. I called him a cake-eater. I told him it is down to a choice now - a divorce or he can stay and try. He said once again he doesn't want a divorce right now. I know this is anti-Plan A, but I have had just about as much as I could take of this. I really want to continue working on things, but I am definitely at my breaking point. So I will see how things go from here. I will get back into plan A and meeting his needs, and hope and pray that this withdrawal ends soon. I also tried to convince him to get some anti-depressants and I think he was offended when I called him Tom Cruise LOL He said he would think about it. Now if only he would find a new job so he doesn't run a chance of bumping into her at work.

mimi - hearing you made it through this gives me some hope.

2 DOG:

It's important for you to understand about RECOVERY. Don't you want the best MARRIAGE that you can have?

Do you have a copy of Surviving an Affair?

Mimi - Yes, I have read Surviving an Affair, and I have been reading the section on withdrawal and recovery over and over almost everyday. But sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by it all and I get to the point where it does sound easier to just give up than try. I hate when I feel that way.

I often tell WH about some of the success stories on here and he says if he has to feel this miserable for 6-9 months he doesn't know if he can make it. I have been encouraging him to come here and post, but he hasn't yet. He is still looking for the sites that are pro-"going to the OW and it working". Even though he knows the numbers of success from that, he still thinks he can be one of them.

And yes, I want the best marriage I can have but it is so hard to remain hopeful when you are dealing with the WH's withdrawal and know that at this point in time there is nothing to do to get them past it, as hard as you want to try. I have never been one to just sit back and wait for something to happen. My job is as a computer programmer, and I wish I could just program my marriage and WH to work right, and that just can't happen.

I will go home tonight and reread those sections in the book again. It will sink in eventually.

What can I say, 2 DOG?

Your H is following the standard script...

Recovery takes a lot of hard work and dedication but most of all TIME AND PATIENCE....

Most of your best efforts will need to be EMOTIONAL SUPPORT and not EDUCATION....

I understand the feeling of wanting to give up... However, I would encourage you not to do that..

Do you want the FOW to win? Do you want to hand him to her on a silver platter? That's what will happen if you give up now....

Thank you Mimi. You are definitely the voice of reason I needed to hear today. I don't want to give up and I won't!