I’m wondering what FWS’s who are/were truly remorseful were thinking during a PA. I’m not trying to bash you in any way, I just want to know if your feelings and emotions were similar to my FWW (Undo).

Undo broke off the A with the OM the next day after the EA advanced to a PA. According to her (and I believe her) when they were done she became so sick that it tore her up and forced her to quit the A because of how she felt for me. The guilt was so overwhelming that she could not see straight or think clearly. After about three weeks she then revealed to me about the A and we’ve been in recovery since.

My questions to all FWS who had a PA…

1. Did it petrify you when the A advanced to a PA?
2. What were you thinking during the sex?
3. Was the sex enjoyable or disappointing?
4. Did you feel guilty?
5. If the PA continued even though you felt guilty or sick then why did you continue with it?

Undo said the sex was very disappointing. I’m wondering if that is partly because of how she felt about me and the guilt occupying her mind so much and/or maybe it truly was disappointing (apparently his manhood was a very short subject).

1. Yes, I was terrified. This added to the rush.
2. I was thinking a lot of things, but mostly about how good it felt to be wanted and desired.
3. Enjoyable.
4. No.
5. I would've continued indefinitely had I not been caught.

May not have been what you were looking for but it's how I felt.

Low

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I'm just trying to see how many people thought like my wife.

Thanks for the input.

I would love to hear the answers to these questions also.
I won't judge anyone either.
Low, thank you for your honest answers.

My FWH ended the A long before I found out (DD was 1 yr after. I found out because FWH gave me an STD.)

FWH told me the A went on for months because once he came out of 'fog' he didn't know how to end it without OW coming to tell me the truth, so he treaded easily and let her off slowly but surely. He also told me that at first he didn't feel guilty as the rush was awesome. After a month, guilt set in. The A lasted six months. OW has mental issues and threatened him many times with various things from pregnancy, to suicide ect...

This is a great thread and I look forward to reading responses from others...

my husband constantly talks about the guilt and shame he feels and how when helooks in the mirror he wants to puke.

so why keep doing this? why not come home?

is it because he fears at home it will always be there and by running away it will go away?

does he keep doing it because as bad as he feels when he's thinking about it later...he knows that if he gets another "fix of her" he will feels good again for a short while?

thanks for being willing to give honest answers!

WW says it was an EA but I'm not so sure. Good chance it was PA. My guess is that if she were honest about it, she might say:

1. No I was really looking forward to it.
2. ..can't guess this one..
3. Enjoyable! I'd not had much action until H came along, and I was sort of catching up for missed sexual opportunities in the past, and yes I really enjoyed it.
4. Didn't feel guilty; happy that I'd done some catching up.
5. No guilt or sick feeling.

1. Did it petrify you when the A advabced to a PA??
It was a natural move, because I was already too lost in the fog!

2. What were you thinking during Sex?
how desired and wanted I felt and how daring I was!!


3. Was the sex enjoyable or dissapointing?
The sex was very enjoyable, after the ackward "first" time.

4. Did you feel guilty?
I did not feel guilty at all. I thought my husband will never find out
and "no harm done"!!

5. If the PA continued even after you felt guilty or sick, why continue?
I was getting physically sick (headaches,ulcers,etc), but the lure
of the affair was so strong and the energy was so much, that I could not
get away (tried to many times)

After you are in the physical affair, even emotional one, its too hard to get away . But if my husband had not find out, I probably would be still in it today.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I was very relief to get caught!!!

Myrta

My H too also feels guilty as ******.See his was more P.I would have to say he enjoyed it.It happened five times.I think he continued it because she feed his ego.He said it was coming to an end.He probally would of stopped and hoped i did'nt find out.I also think the fear of getting caught was a rush for him.They never lasted long if you know what i mean.
The guilt kills my H. It does make him sick to think of it now.
Him knowing now that i never stopped loving him makes the guilt worse on him.
#1mom

1. I don't know about petrified, but shock certainly registered...almost the same type that I had after losing my virginity, as in, "I can't believe I did this!"

2. This is where "compartmentalizing" came in for me...I was in the moment, my H was pushed far from my mind...sorry, I am just being truthful, and trust me, I am ashamed to admit this...

3. Both...this is where my fog came in handy, sometimes I would actually think, "I wish OM would do 'blank' like my H" but then I would push it from my mind and try to convince myself that I liked OM's way better, and other times I would think, "I wish H would do 'blank' like the OM"...even when I would tell the OM to do things a certain way, he never did them like my H did...cut to now, my H since being told of certain 'needs' has far exceeded my expectations...true love REALLY does make SF so much better!

4. Sometimes I felt guilty, but that's when I would break out the WS script of rationalizations and justifications...and then try to romanicize, "meant to be" and "soulmate" my relationship with OM to death...

5. I was addicted to the "high" that my A gave me...I had been depressed before the A, and would do anything not to go back to that dark place...

Hope this is somehow helpful to someone...it's hard for me to see that it would be...reflection on what I did to my H is a very hard pill to swallow now...May God Bless all of you BSes as you try to get through what your WSes have put you through, you all deserve a HUGE BADGE OF COURAGE!

Mrs. Wondering

Wonderings,

"sorry, I am just being truthful, and trust me, I am ashamed to admit this..."

&

"Hope this is somehow helpful to someone"

Don't be sorry. It helps many look at what they went through and see that they were not alone. In many ways I feel lucky with the outcome of the A that Undo had because of how she got sick and broke it off.

We've all been through alot and by sharing each others thoughts and feelings we can help each other understand some of our lingering questions.

Undo

undo, wondering,we need help and myrta

actually your honesty is so good to see

it helps me to believe that after all of this is over...a person can come out of it a caring, kind, honest, thoughtful person again

that's who my husband was before this started.

would any of you mind looking at my post above and answering about the guilt/shame and need for a fix?

A fix is a good way of putting it... Sure it'll make him feel better. But when he comes home that's when the real truth smacks him in the face and it hurts... hurts real bad. Home is reality... the OW is not. If he wants to save your marriage, he needs to do NC. I know, you've heard it before but that's the only way he can start dealing with it.
Good luck Eav...


Undo

is that how it felt though...guilt and shame that felt better or was forgotten as long as you were with the other person but was really bad each time you saw your spouse?

Very truthful answers for a very hard series of questions. Thank you former WS's.

TooSoon

1. Did it petrify you when the A advanced to a PA?

Yes. Very much so. I couldn't believe I could stoop that low.

2. What were you thinking during the sex?

How amazing it felt. You see, I haven't had SF for years, and I craved it. It both consumed and controlled me. That, I firmly believe, was one of the main reasons I couldn't walk away for so long.

3. Was the sex enjoyable or disappointing?

It was some of the best I've had.

4. Did you feel guilty?

Yes. Every single time. In fact, my self esteem/image became so low that I turned into a jealous head-case and was self-conscious about everything I did, said or thought.

5. If the PA continued even though you felt guilty or sick then why did you continue with it?

It became a sick addiction I couldn't break out of. On one hand, I felt guilty, but on the other hand, I would ask - "Don't I deserve to be happy?" or "Must I "do the right thing" and give up SF?" You see, I didn't realize I could ever have both - the M and SF at the same time. I thought it had to be one or the other, and that (in itself) was perhaps one of the biggest emotional struggles that plagued me for so long.

Eav,

"my husband constantly talks about the guilt and shame he feels and how when helooks in the mirror he wants to puke. so why keep doing this? why not come home?"

>Like I said, this is an addiction, much like that of a drug addict. In fact, the addict knows that the drug is bad for him, but he continues to use it anyway ... because it gives him the "high" and the release from reality. Generally, the WS is tormented b/c he's ashamed of what he's done all the while he doesn't want to/can't give up the object of his addiction.

"is it because he fears at home it will always be there and by running away it will go away?"

>Perhaps. When I was deep in my A, I always wanted to go on vacations. I did this b/c when I was away, I can actually feel somewhat normal, almost whole, for that brief period. It was a relief without having to constantly look around to see who may see "us" in public. But, the reason why your H isn't home is more likely b/c he just can't break his addiction.

"does he keep doing it because as bad as he feels when he's thinking about it later...he knows that if he gets another "fix of her" he will feels good again for a short while?"

>Yes.

I'm sure these are not the things you want to hear, but they are the truth. You can help him break out of the addiction, though. I did.

thank you whisper

i really do want to hear the truth

and my husband din't have SF either when i was depressed. it got gradually less over a 5 year period.

so it helps to hear the truth.

i hope i can help to break the addiction. i really just want a chance to fix what i helped break...our lives

eav1967==Maybe the problem that your husband has, is that he thinks its too much damage done in the marriage. He feels very guilty, yes, but maybe he thinks that if he goes back to you, things could never be well again. So, he might as well stay away from you, with OW.
Maybe he has not feel that you will be able to forgive and move on and put the affair behind.
Of course, "breaking away" is very hard to do. You need extreme will power to get away from the fix, the high of the OP.

Although my husband was very hurt, destroyed, because of my affair, he was willing to work in our marriage, but he let me know very early on, that he will only forgive me ONCE!! He will be a "goner" if I would do this again, or establish contact! I believe him!! And that made me scared, even in my fog to lose my husband and my marriage.

The answers are very interesting.

Some of the comments here I read in the emails back and forth between my H and the ow.

I am sure the sex and the excitement of it all was great but I do wonder how it feels for the ws when he comes home and see's his wife and kids? Does the guilt sink in then?

It really DOES help to read things likes this, how it can all be justified in the mind of the ow and that it is pretty much the same reasons why they can block out the guilt.