a1,

I will be dissappointed to see you leave. You seemed to be processing some of the advice and principles available on this entire site.

Your wife is coming home to you in a few days and I hope she comes in with her tail between her legs with loads of regret for her previous misdeeds. I hope she has a willingness to move forward, in leaps and bounds, to quickly restore that which she has destroyed. If she doesn't, I hope you have the patience to wait long enough for her to come to that realization.

She is in fact a Wayward Wife. Knowing that I anticipate she will most likely respond according to script UNTIL your marriage is partially restored and recovery is fully committed to on her part (not just a "let's try"), the justifications she has lived her life by these last few years will continue to be her crutch until she realizes and accepts full responsibilty for her actions. You've been pushed to the brink and beyond. I commend you for your incredible perseverence to date. If you can maintain it a little longer together with hope, you two (adults) can acheive the fulfilling marriage you'd always hope for. IT IS WORTH IT, but only once you get there.

However, as I said in my 2nd post to you on the "Just Found Out" board...

Wish you well. You guys were so young. I didn't even
get married until I was nearly 30. For your son's
sake I know you'll give it an honest effort. Try to
take the relationship from scratch. She's now about
27 and (YOU BOTH) have had new experiences and
hopefully gained maturity...she's not going to be
the same little 19/20 year girl you married.

I am certain you have regrets about your behavior in the past. IMHO-your posts reveal your pent up anger and resentment hidden behind a confident, self assured exterior. You believe you are a good person with much to offer...but, are you?????? Only you can answer that. Go forward with the best effort possible so that if it actually doesn't work out you can seek happiness and fulfillment with someone else WITHOUT REGRET.

Good fortune to you,
ACT...Don't React

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

a1,

Wow. Thanks for sharing that. It truly gives us a little bit more insight into why you're so afraid to move forward w/your W. But this is the first time we've actually heard a decisiveness from you, when you said this --



Ok, you've made the decision to make this work. As far as your heart goes, it's afraid. It's afraid to reach out to her & actually feel anything b/c you don't want a repeat of history. This is perfectly understandable.

You two can do this if both of you are willing. She seems sincere, like you said. But let me warn you, you cannot sit back & try to let it happen on its own after she moves back home. This has got to be a conscious effort on both your parts in order to see that love back. Are you willing to do the work? If you are, & it sounds like you are, then maybe posting her ENs again & seeing how you can fulfill them would be a good start. It gives you some kind of plan to follow.

It is just MHO that you will be amazed and surprised when you experience the rush of emotion that will flow though you when you first set eyes on your wife and son. Perhaps overwhelmed would be a better word.

I guess my first impression is that you should spend a couple of days, perhaps even a few to become reacquainted, but set up a time for you two to honestly share your true feelings in a safe environment for the both of you. Perhaps set up some ground rules, and incorporate a Policy of Joint Agreement so if either of you becomes upset, angry or agitated, that you can agree to call a timeout, regain your composures and start up again when you are ready.

The more information that you exchange at that "meeting" the better, so you both have a common starting point on which to rebuild. No secrets, no holding back, a full and honest exchange of all that's transpired in your lives since you seperated.

Keep an open heart and an open mind, and listen and validate what she shares with you. Respectfully request she does the same for you.

Should be a mind boggling experience....

Best wishes,
SD

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

ahhhh... I guess I must have missed that....it's horrible rushing these posts in while at work sometimes... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I still think when you end up "together" for this "trial", you may have some feelings resurface that have faded, or you've supressed for a while.... at least I hope so.

This effort will take work. I'll stand by my previous post. Set aside time to discuss all these issues you have. Get as much out on the table as possible. You don't have to solve it all at once, either. But getting it out on the table right up front is a better plan than leaking tidbits out over an extended time. Going that route is like dying a death of a thousand cuts.

I sincerely hope you are up to the task. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,
SD

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

Some of us aren't old. At the time this happened to us I was 32 & he was 31. Not old in my book. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> At least you're keeping your sense of humor. It happens to the old, the young, the middle-aged alike, unfortunately.

Did you see my post I posted earlier? Do you have any thoughts?

And I am 26 - was 24 when things fell apart.

And in reality, my journey parallels yours more than some others.

Probably why I posted to you - I can relate.

Too bad I can't share much - my ex reads here waiting to find something to torture me with.

But yes, I think that every aspect of who you are including age, sex, culture, religion, play a role in how you react. But all in all, the basics seem to remain pretty constant.

My question for you is this: How did things go with breaking it off with the other woman? Was that very difficult? Are you still grieving to some degree? How did the other woman take it?

I’m curious, and I mean this seriously Do you always “react” rather than act without regards to others? Also, is it in your nature to communicate constantly with disrespectful judgments?

Think about it for a moment, and let me tell you what I hear in your words and I’m only doing this as an exercise so that you’ll see that people hear things differently.

“””No more crazed MB lovers.”””

I hear you saying that everybody, but my wife (FaithHopeLove) is a crazy MB lover.

“””No more constant references to books and MB doctrinarian.”””

I hear you saying that you are smarter than any book about relationships.

“””Before it was MB, MB, MB, MB. Holy crap! It was flat out freaky.”””

I hear you saying Marriage Builders and it’s principles SUCK.

“””Wait a second all of you people are old!”””

I hear you saying we’re old. I went through my fiasco when I was 30, that ain’t much different than 28. Heck, look at most of the people that responded to you. They are young and were young.

“””If you were 28 and going through this mess would you react differently?”””

I hear you saying I am right, you are wrong.

“””Are most of you just scared about dying alone?”””

I hear you saying that all you people are worthless.

OK, enough is enough and trust me I could go on and on but I only went back a few posts. My point is this, if I think you communicate this way and others have pointed out some communication issues, is it possible that that is a place where you could use some work, regardless of your current marital situation. But I would go on to add that improving your communication skills, eliminating the disrespectful judgments will go a long way in improving your relationship with your wife.

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

Wow. There's a familiar ring in my ears...I do believe I've heard all this before...

That's all I can say because like I said, I'm being watched.

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

a1,

What I hear you saying is that you think you're taking a step backward by agreeing to work on the marriage. Is this truly how you feel? It seems that you have your mind made up that this will end in disaster.

Sorry, a1. Posted at the same time. Didn't see your last post. For a minute there, I thought you were avoiding me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hope I wasn't one of the ones who irritated you. I truly do want to help you. You've acknowledged that you have a lot of anger inside of you. Have you ever acknowledged this to your W? Is that something you can communicate to her?

I am glad you have opened up A1, see this is a side of you that you didn't portray in the beginning. I am glad you want to make things work with your wife, and I think if both of you are committed to do doing so then you guys can succeed!

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

Are you sure you're not my H in disguise? LOL No, seriously, even though you don't think we have similar situations, I can see it all through your latest post. Although the situations for the M's falling apart are totally different, you & my H's thinking are exactly the same of why he was afraid to move back home & start fresh.

Let me explain a little bit & give you some history --

H & I had a child when I was 18 & he was 17. I then got pregnant w/twins when I was 21, him 19 & so we got M'd. All through our M (from my H's POV (point of view) I treated him like garbage. I would put him down, belittle him, very controlling. He was very withdrawn & kept things to himself. He tried to tell me in his own way that he was unhappy but I didn't hear him. We have now learned that he needed to voice his opinion louder. He started changing himself in order to "be the perfect H", the H he thought I had wanted. So he became very unhappy. He thought this is the H I wanted b/c I wouldn't complain anymore. So he kept changing bits & pieces of himself until I no longer complained regularly. But in the process of doing that, he changed who he was inside. He didn't like himself.

In comes the OW & treats him like gold. She listened to him, liked the same things he liked, laughed at his jokes, etc. Everything I never did for him. He was drawn to her instantly, as a friend at first & then he started to grow feelings for her. Yet, he was conflicted. He never believed in divorce, knew that he didn't want to hurt me by saying that he wanted a divorce, had 3 children at home whom he loved dearly & still felt as if I was his friend. He moved out anyway, saying that he needed to be himself. He couldn't be himself around me.

4 months later, after us talking about what each of us had done to destroy the M, I had told him that I could no longer be friends w/him like he wanted. That I needed time to heal from this breakup & couldn't be friends w/him right then. Maybe later, but not right then. When I withdrew the friendship, the talking on the phone together, the sessions of him venting & me listening, this is what he started to miss but he still thought to himself, What if I come back to her & she reverts back to her old self? What if I try this & it just ends up in disaster? We were too young when we got M'd, we each didn't have a chance to live. But he also thought to himself, I need to give it one more try. So he moved back home. But he made it very clear that he was giving it till the end of the year & if he didn't see changes that he was gone again. He slept on the couch for the first 2 months after he moved back home.

This was very hard for me. But then, we devoted the 15 hours a week doing recreational things together, as suggested by MB & even though he didn't "feel" love, he still gave me hugs, a quick kiss, we held hands, but no sex. About 1 month after that (total of 3 months), he started to think about me at work & told me for the first time since he moved back in, I love you too. He had realized it one day when he was at work & thought about me the entire time.

Have we had struggles? Yes. Have we wanted to give up at times? Yes. I have wanted to throw in the towel more than once, but then I think, do I really want to start over again dating? Do I really want to have my kids in two different homes & wishing that Mom & Dad still lived under the same roof? And, the ironic thing is, he's the one who was skeptical when he first moved in, but ever since he did, he hasn't regretted one moment. Oh yeah, he's gotten frutstrated, but from the things we've both learned & worked on, he knows that as long as he's himself & is true to himself & is honest w/me about where his feelings are at, then we can make it through.

We feel closer to each other more than ever before. We truly love each other & can't see us being w/anyone else.

You don't have to sacrifice yourself, who you are, in order to gain a lasting love. You need to be true to yourself more than anything, do not change who you are inside as a person. Just be willing to do some compromising, spend a lot of time together to "get to know each other" again, & very importantly, communicate. Radical honesty. Sometimes my H told me things that I absolutely did not want to hear, but I knew that maybe I needed to hear it. Same w/him.

You two can do this. Our odds were low too, just given the fact that we were teenagers when we M'd. Most teenage M's end up in divorce w/in a few years, especially when the man was 19 years old w/3 children & a wife already. But, we both were determined that we were not going to be a statistic. We were both going to give this our all & beat those odds.

It sounds like you're off to a good start. You've already made the decision. Now all you have to do is the work. Just don't be ready to call it quits if you hit a few potholes, k?