Ok, here's the deal, I've already signed the D papers just waiting for everything to be finalized by the courts.

Today I came home and found a box in the mail, I opened it and lo' and behold there's a bottle of very expensive perfume and a card for me. You guessed it, from my STBX, the card was very nice, stating that he was sorry things didn't work out and that it all ended the way it did.

Hey, someone once told me things always end badly otherwise they wouldn't end. I don't know if that's true or not but, things did end badly between the two of us.

I don't know what he's up to but, I can tell you this, I'm not playing any games with him.

And yes, I'm keeping the perfume! His loss, he can think of it as alimony....LOL!

Anyway, what do you guys think he's up to? I would really appreciate some input here.

Only

It's called 'SALVING The (his) Conscience' - good that his conscience is actually working... and it's always of course, "Wallll, I did 'this' to make ME look good, blase blase."
JMHO,
SDLOM

Well, I would do one of two things.... I would either take the bottle of perfume and throw it at him. lol or I would keep it and never say a word. Like you said...it could be alimony. lol Why do they have to continue to make themsleves llok better. Doesn't work!!!

Or it could be that he's just trying to be a decent man. Sernd him a thank you note for the perfume and don't read too much into this.

Perhaps he's hoping for a booty call in the future?

My guess is - GUILT....and he doesn't know how else to ask for forgiveness for his wayward ways and the demise of your M...

Be the better person - send a thank you note - someday you may be able to tell him that he can buy every bottle of perfume in the world BUT all you wanted was a husband..not a WS...

HUGS and Healing Vibes..

Thank you all for the input, it's given me alot to think about and I will take it all into consideration.

I am however seriously considering what CheckUrHeart and Ithurts said, maybe I should send a thank you note. I don't know, it's a little confusing for me right now.

I still have alot of unresolved feelings and I'm afraid that if I send him a note he'll take it as permission to continue contacting me and I really want to move on with my life and put him and this whole messy relationship behind me.

Anyway, I will think about it and then I'll decide if I really want to continue with all this.

Again, thank you very much for all the support.

Only

If you're confused as to his intentions then I would suggest you question his motives before sending an obligatory ty note.

It may be nothing more than a peace offering but by accepting it, you may be also be accepting some unknown terms or conditions that his fog brain has concocted.

Only thank him if you are truly thankful and there are no strings or hidden motives, otherwise return it with a 'No Thank You' note.

ba109:

I think you are right on the money, if I know him he's just trying to loll me into a false sense of security so he can get his way again.

I'm thinking your idea is the best idea yet, although to be perfectly honest I was thinking of keeping the perfume but, not acknowledging him.

What do you think?

Only

It's a peace offering, nothing more. My WW did the same thing. I mentioned that I needed a measureing glass because I was getting into cooking, and low and behold she went and bought me one. My WW has since done a couple of other things as peace offerings. I talked to my counslor about it and he basically agreed that she was just trying to get over her guilt for being a WW. Whenever she did buy me something it made things more worst for me then better. I think it confused me more then anything.

timn420:

Thanks for your input but, I'm not so sure you're right. I got a call from my STBX asking about the gift. I played it cool and said, "Gift? What gift?"

Needless to say, he got all bent out of shape and started ranting and raving about how much he had paid for the gift and that I was an ungrateful B**ch that he should've never bother sending the gift. He also stated that he knew I was planning to keep the gift and not acknowlede it to him, he's a freaking mind reader..LOL!

Anyway, I don't know what came over me but, I just started laughing which really pissed him off so I hung up on him but, not before I told him where he could go and take his gift with him.

I know, I shouldn't have but, I just couldn't contain myself. I mean, who the h**l does he think he is?

What the h**l did he think was going to happen? Did he think I was going to fall all over myself just because he sent me a gift, geez! Give me a break!

Ok, so he was right, I am planning to keep the present but, the way I see it is, I deserve it for pain and suffering cause, he's a pain and I am suffering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Only

I think everyone is blowing this way out of proportion. His intentions are his own and this is a trivial gift. No, by accepting such a gift, you cannot be under any obligation to him for anything. Sending a thank you note is simple courtesy. Not doing so is rude, and it makes no difference if he's your ex-husband.

I just sent my ex a birthday gift recently. I had no sinister intent, nor do I expect anything in return. It was her birthday. Period. She sent me a thank you note. That was the end of it. It's the same sort of common courtesy that everyone else shows.

Only, that "Gift? What gift?" game was mean-spirtited and impolite. It would have angered me, too, and you'd never get another gift. If you truly think he is playing some kind of game, you should have immediately returned the gift to him with a note thanking him for the sentiment, but that you don't think such gifts are approriate at this time. Sorry, but your behavior was childish and you were out of line. You owe him an apology.

Ahhh, the truth comes out. What does he think you are supposed to be grateful for. The fact that he trashed your M by having an A? I would find such an offering insulting.


Do with the 'gift' what you will but you don't "owe" him anything...not a thank you...certainly not an apology. The gift was meant for HIS pleasure not yours.

Checkurheart:

First of all, I want to thank you for your input believe it or not I do appreciate your advise.

Secondly, I'm very sorry that you think I was behaving childish but, I'm not apologizing to him for anything, or to you for that matter.

The "Gift? What gift? game might have been mean-spirited and impolite as you say but, I did it to see how he would react and as usual he went off into a rant.

And now I know that the gift wasn't just a gift, he seriously thought he would gain something from it and when he realized that it wasn't going to happen he went back to his usual bad tempered self.

So excuse me, if I say so, but, just because you're a nice guy who gives his ex gifts with no strings attached doesn't mean that my STBX is.





ba109:

I totally agree with you, and he's not getting the gift back or an apology either. He said's, that I'm an ungrateful B**ch, well, I'll show him how much of a B**ch I can be.

Thank you both again for your advise and support it is greatly appreciated.

Only

OK, Only maybe I should tell you why I think you behaved childishly. He sent you a gift you have no reason why. Maybe he was up to something. Or maybe it was a peace offering (albeit a weak one). But you had no real way of knowing until he told you. So he calles. He's sent you the gift and you got it. He calls. OK, that's a bit suspicious to me too. He asks you if you go the gift and here's what you could have said:

"Yes, I did. Thank you. That was very considerate of you. I'm a bit confused though. Why'd you buy me a bottle of perfume?"

But you didn't do that. Instead, you deliberately pressed a button on a man you know is prone to sailing off into rants. In doing so, you may have given yourself another affirmation that your divorce is justifiable, but you gave up the game: you still don't really know why he sent you the perfume. All you are doing is assuming what his motives really are. What if it really was something he was doing to open a door for communication so that the two of you could have an honest talk so that the two of you can get some closure? If so, you slammed the door in his face and I doubt seriously that he'll ever knock again. That isn't just his loss, it's yours too.

But what if, as it has been suggested, that he was hoping to set up a booty call? That would have become apparent rather quickly. Then you could have handily defused the situation by calmly saying something like "Oh, I am afraid you wasted quite a bit of money and effort. That ship has sailed. There is no possible way I would cconsider going there with you." Then if he goes off on a rant, you simply hang up. My advice always - when you are talking ot him for whatever reason and he goes off, hang up immediately. Continuing a conversation with someone who is ranting is pointless. They soon get the message that if they want to communicate with you, it must be on terms you require.

Do you understand what I'm saying? What I'm suggesting is the way healthy adults handle such things. The way you handled it was textbook passive-aggressive. Yes, it was.

Now let's consider that gift. I'm old school so I'm going to give you the old school thinking on this. If you didn't want a gift from your ex-husband, you should not have accepted it and you DO NOT keep it. If you keep the gift, you MUST consider it a gift and respond as a lady of good breeding does in such cases and adhere to the social graces: with a simple thank you note. Before you protest about this, think of how such an action strengthens your position. Maybe he was trying to goad you into something and you show him not only are you not biting, but you don't even care. You care so little, that you'll reduce this to a simple social responsibility and leave it at that. Don't you think that would make you feel better about yourself?

If you don't think it appropriate for your ex to be sending you gifts at this juncture or if you truly believe he's up to no good, accepting the gift plays right into his hands. Instead you return the gift with a polite note of refusal. When in doubt, always take the high ground; it's easier to defend later.

In your last post you write: "well, I'll show him how much of a B**ch I can be." Why? You don't consider this childish and vindictive? What possible good purpose can this serve? NONE. It only perpetuates the animosity between the two of you. More importantly, it means that you surrender power to him by allowing him to make you act like a b*itch. Are you a b*itch? Do you really want to be a b*tch? Again, always go for the high ground.

Perhaps you understand a bit more of my thinking now. I believe that one day you'll look back on this and agree with me. Don't get your hackles up when an uninvolved observer calls you down on something. It's OK to behave childishly sometimes. We are all guilty of it. Most of us here have probably been guilty of it quite recently. Divorce brings out the worst in us. But it can also bring out the best.

BTW, I don't expect, nor can I think of anything for which I would require, an apology from you. You haven't wronged me in any way. Did I ask for one?

Got a call from STBX apologizing for his behavior on the phone the other day. I told him that I too needed to apologize to him for bating him as I did.

I thanked him for the gift and told him I really liked it. We got to talking and he told me how sorry he was for everything that had happened the last few months.

He mostly talked about the OW and how things weren't working out exactly as he had thought. He did mention how excited he is about the baby which really hurt.

He seems to think that we are friends and he can talk to me about anything. I told him that although I couldn't be happy for him as I still have issues with everything. I did understand how things don't always work out the way we plan.

I had to hang up soon after that, as I was getting way to emotional and I didn't want him to hear the hurt in my voice. We did leave things on a friendly note, he asked me if it would be ok to call me now and then just to see how I was doing and I told him I would really like that.

I hope I didn't do the wrong thing there as I'm still very emotional when it comes to him and I'm not sure I can really take hearing how things are going with him and the OW.

I'm trying to handle things more maturely but, it's very hard not to get caught up in all the bad feelings but, I do feel better now.

Only

This is good to hear and as I suspected.

"He mostly talked about the OW and how things weren't working out exactly as he had thought."

That's because he's beginning to understand just how badly he has messed up. Sooner of later things "never work out" as expected with your adulterous lover. Too bad no one can bring a WS to understand this before they jump off that bridge.

"He seems to think that we are friends and he can talk to me about anything"

Well, this is natural. You're his wife and know him better than his OW does. He's bound to turn to you, but in doing so, he's just showing htat he hasn't learned his lesson, since he's opening the door for an EA with you. You may have to explain this to him.

I think you did the right thing by agreeing to occasional friendly contact. I've always thought that the "I'm dicorcing you, so I must hate you forever" attitude that many people adopt is wrong. Best of luck, Only!