I can tell you about my experiences, and you can take what you like and leave the rest.
I thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I would take it all if I understood it. I will not discard anything, because I really would like to understand the patterns of behavior such as you described.
As far as abuse or a history of something underlying in my family...
I am pretty sure there isn't a history of sexual abuse. Both of my parent's are COA. My brother experimented for a very brief time with drugs and alcohol when he was 15. I was 13 at the time.
My parents swiftly admitted him to a treatment facility, where we all participated as a family in activites such as Aftercare (we children called it Afterscare), Alanon, Alateen...you name it. I am very familiar with the 12 steps.
I don't know that my brother's issue was necessarily alcoholism. From what I have been taught about alcoholism as a disease, it appears to be something more along the lines of teenage experimentation. He hasn't had a problem with it since that time and has grown to be quite a healthy adult.
Since you stated that you are not familiar with my story, it may or may not be relevant to tell you that I am adopted. I am one of four children and the only non-biological child. So, I don't know how much that affects the family history angle. Perhaps you viewed it more from a genetic aspect, and perhaps you refer more to learned behaviors, or both. I have no clue what my biological family history is regarding these two issues.
My mother was very emotionally abusive towards me, but not necessarily towards the other children.
I am very confused today and kind of struggling with what is reality and what is my perception. I am a person who relies quite a bit on intuition and feelings, so when my sense of perception feels off balance I have a hard time determining what is reality. I would offer the analogy of glasses. The last few days I have learned that there was something wrong with my 'glasses'. So I have taken them off. Well, now I can't see a darned thing! I feel like I'm walking around blind!
So, everything is not necessarily how I feel...then how is it???
For instance, I told you that I believe my mother was emotionally abusive towards me. Was she??? Or was that just my perception??? It's all very confusing.
I got angry with Patriot earlier this evening because I feel somewhat neglected lately. I feel I have been very patient the last few days and haven't jumped to any conclusions that it meant anything other than the fact that he was busy.
Well, it has continued and I have become angry. I get tired sometimes of explaining to him that I always seem to be the one who wants more time. Why doesn't he? I honestly think that he would just make do with whatever time I offered him. I think he is glad when I am busy or gone because he gets to spend his time doing whatever he wants.
He also wants to make sure his time 'counts'. That kind of got me bristly, because it makes it sound as though I am his boss trying to dock his time card or something.
It makes me feel very unspecial and unimportant.
So, I tell him and he offers to try harder to spend more time with me. The first thought that pops into my head, of course, is "Why would you have to try if you wanted to???" This always seems to be the rule, not the exception. It makes me feel particularly rejected when I know that this was not the case in other relationships that he has had. Most often, it seems as though he was the one pursuing and wanting more time.
So, capitulating that just because I feel rejected, doesn't make it necessarily so...how am I supposed to tell the difference???
I guarantee, that there is some reason, maybe not apparent now, that has lead to your choices in men.
I sure wish I knew.
My first husband was physically abusive and an alcoholic/drug addict. I always surmised that I stayed in that relationship because I somehow believed it was what I deserved because of my feelings of betrayal regarding my adoptive and birth mothers.
My second husband (the child molester), was merely emotionally unavailable, as far as I knew. In retrospect, I see some minor red flags of sexual deviancy, but it wasn't very apparent. I had no idea the extent to which he was sick. As soon as I knew, the relationship ended and I haven't spoken with him since.
As far as Patriot goes, I saw nothing. I still don't have a very objective view of what the heck went wrong.
I'm trying to grab at this stuff tonight and my brain is getting jumbled. I want to understand it all, but I don't. I kind of wish I could put my glasses back on. Seeing something, however distorted, felt more comfortable than seeing absolutely nothing.
