Froz

Squids mom has been very slowing rotting from cancer all the time since d-day. Her diagnosis was undoubtedly a trigger of Squid's affair.

I know how you feel about 'difficult life situations' getting in the way, but Froz I have managed a year of support for Squid AND managed a lot of real recovery during that time.

Please don't just recognise your lack of support for Pat at this sad time - BE SUPPORTIVE. Its your job, just like it is mine.

I know how hard it is - imagine doing it for 15 months - but it will pay dividends in strengthening your relationship.

{{{ froz & pat }}}

Ok Frozen hving been the one who took care of MIL until she passed 48 hrs plus. He will need help making funeral arrangements - go with him. Also have food at the house to feed everyone. Take additional pressure off of the family. Stand beside him give him a shoulder to cry on or lean on. Help him all you can. Make phone calls, flowers, clothes -his suit ready ect. Clothes for children and yourself. Coffe lots of coffee, mild, sugar ect. My H family beer no coffee. No sleep for me for days. No talk now about GF's things -that will come in time. Take care of GM -H will appreciate that alone. Listen to her she will cry so much. It is hard and you will cry with her. Do not let anyone make decisions regarding where GM is going to live for awhile yet. She needs time. My H family put Dad in Nursing home with a week. Put house up for sale it was to soon. You can do it. I know you can. I did it while H was in his A and I did it for MIL. and only MIL.

OH yeah -get i portant papers out. Get 5 long copies of death certificate and 3 of short ones. These need to be mailed to any banks, life insurance ect. Don't just take over as there is other family and don't be to pushy just be informative if need be. I stayed in back ground but had to step in many times. When you see the confused look on peoples faces that is when you speak up and ask if they need help and offer it if they say yes. That is how I handled it. I cleaned Dad's house for him. Sat with him for hours and just listened and held his hand. He was lost with out her. If I think of anything else I let you know. Take care - sorry for Patriots and your loss.

How? Do you have any specific suggestions for things that have helped you do this for Squid?

Realtor,

The family has already taken care of funeral arrangments. His Grandmother is already in a nursing home. Also, my work schedule prevents me from being there sometimes physically, as was the case yesterday. I'm self-employed, so I can't just call in to work. Also, if I don't work I don't get paid, and that will put further stress on Patriot, and with the funeral being on Saturday (a busy day at a hair salon), we will take quite a hit from that loss of income.

I don't have many appointments scheduled today and have some free time. I would be glad to spend some time with his Grandmother today. She never remembers who I am, as her short-term memory is pretty much gone. Incidentally, she and I have the exact same name, now that Patriot and I are married. She always laughs when I tell her that.

She did request a bottle of Jack Daniel's last night (doctor's orders, she said!).

Any other suggestions for things I could do today to help would be greatly appreciated.

I don't want to be too pushy, either, or put my presence where it isn't wanted. I am a new member of this family and don't have them "feeled" out quite yet. I want to do what will help, not hinder.

How? Do you have any specific suggestions for things that have helped you do this for Squid?

I took the initiative - volunteered to muster the kids to visit Nan when it wasnt our 'turn', dealing with family issues on my own part rather than just supporting Squid to do so;

Raising unspeakable subjects so Squid could unburden her thoughts and sadness on me witout my complaining or judging

Used analogies from my own experiences losing my own Mom and dad to trigger self-realization in squid of what she could do for the best.

Be non-judgmental when she vented about things - when she needed to say things to defuse the sitation but only to me;

Deal with telling the kids and keeping them informed so Squid didn't need to feel that sadness alone

Did NOT treat HER tragedy as MY tragedy. I LOVE nan but she's not my Mom, she's Squid's. I deliberately stayed functional above the sadness.

Any of that make any sense ? Not sure how much is appropriate to a sudded death, but maybe some is.

All blessings

Staying REALLy close to Squid and bad situation allowed me to pick my times for R discussion. I managed 'enough' to get us this far, but not as much s is desireable. that will come when Nan has passed.

Bob,

Thanks. You are a strong dude, that's for sure.

Some of the suggestions you shared don't apply to our situation - such as the kids. We are still relatively newly wed. My children are teenagers and don't know Patriot's family well. Heck, I don't even know them all that well! It would be easier to know how I could be of any assistance if I did.

I have very little experience with death, really, so I can't share anything like that to help him.



This is an excellent suggestion.

Thanks, again.

I appreciate the care and concern for my feelings in all of this. It is truly comforting.

I am not an emotional wreck over this. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but I am not new to death in my family. Not even close. I have learned over time that life is a great and wonderful blessing, and that it is quite fragile.

My grandfather was a good man. He was a very good model for the men in his family. Had I only applied a fraction of his style to my life, I wouldn't even be here. And that, I must carry.

The family has taken care of all the arrangements. My grandparents were planners and they had it all setup prior to now, anyway. No one is dealing with 'what are we going to do' or anything of that nature. Comforting, actually, that you can simply focus on grief and rememberance.

I have the utmost respect for the dead and nothing fires me up more than those who disrespect it, not that anyone has done that here.

Beyond that, I really have nothing constructive to say, so I will stop. Thanks to those that have been supportive during this time.

To my wife. You have done a fine job thus far. Stop worring about what you must do and how you must be. I will inform you of what I need and want. And if I don't inform you, then I must not have needed it or wanted it all that badly.

I know Gimble .... coz you're both either amorous or giggling ....

the mad face <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> just looks ridiculous on a naked body .... That face looks more like a lower primate without clothing !!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Tough weekend.

I sorely miss that time just before the A. I wasn't a WS then. So, that is a saddening recollection. The chance I had and missed. The chance to make a different choice.

Sure wasn't worth it.

Anyway, this weekend we were able to talk a bit and I think we are going to scale back on how much needs to get done. That's not explaining it very well, but instead of trying to juggle 500 balls, we are going to handle a few balls and then once those are handled and satisfaction is somewhat reached, move on to the next few.

Focus more on getting some things fixed, instead of just blast after blast at each other that is getting us not very far.

I have expected my wife, to a degree, to be further along than she is in the healing business. She isn't. It doesn't feel safe to move forward for her, and I am certainly not helping with pressure.

I am rather amazed at how inept I truly am with communication and relationships. Sucks, really.

Well, I have believed something from early on in this process. I know it to be true. I will not give up on her, but, I will not place expectations on her either. If she does not move forward at all, or at my pace, that is fine.

I would rather be with her than anyone else. Regardless.

So, my focus is on removing actions and words that transmit expectation. Kind of abstract for me, but it is at least a named problem, and therefore, workable.

Anyway, just wanted to write a little something in our journal.

Then let's work it out until it is no longer abstract. No need to make it any more complicated than it has to be. No need to do any guesswork when I have the answers and am completely willing to share them.

500 balls were getting pretty tough to juggle, I'll admit.

So now we each have one. What was mine???? Oh yeah! I'm supposed to refrain from "punishing" behavior when...when? I guess mine is kind of abstract, too. I'm sure punishing behavior is something I would want to refrain from at all times, but I wish I could remember specifically when it was I was supposed to do this. Maybe you could help me out.

I feel very blessed right now to have my husband's steadfast love and just his presence in my life feels like such a gift. He is such a beautiful person.

Thank you for such a kind remark. It is nice to wake up to that.

Thank you. You are the most special person in the world.

Froz,

Just guessing here...but maybe refrain from punishing behavior when Patriot is being open & honest (the time when one feel particularily vulnerable).

Learning to do that would serve me well in protecting him and also in getting the need for honesty met.

It's hard sometimes. We both seem to struggle with putting something honest out there on the table and then allowing the other to have feelings about it. We often have to remind each other..."Stop! I can have feelings." Which is usually met with a reluctant "Okay", just because it feels uncomfortable to allow the other person to have feelings about something without wanting to change it.

I have a strong desire to do some work today. I don't like where I've been sitting and I'm ready to get up and move forward a bit.

I've been absorbing BrambleRose's Detachment With Love post for the last few days. There is so much information in it that I identify with. It aptly names most of my struggles with relationships and with myself.

So, I'm just gonna put it out there, and see what happens...if only just to see it in print and pick it apart for myself until I figure it out.




I want to learn to detach with love. I know how to detach without love. I want to detach with it. This puts a name to something I was thinking about this morning while I was drying my hair (good thinking time)...I was thinking about what I wanted to give Patriot. What I came up with was freedom. I want to give him freedom. I want him to feel free to be himself, free to make the choices he wants without fear of retribution from me, free to feel, free in his own house...just plain free. I want to unravel my clutchy tentacles off of him and let him choose to love me, if that is what he wants to do. I want to love him without the condition that he love me back. I think my tentacles have been choking him for a very long time. It hurts to write that, but it's true.

It is time for me to really look and work at the things that are my responsibility without being angry at him because they are now my responsibility. I chose to marry him and in doing so, I chose this responsibility. MY CHOICE! I can hardly call it work, when I've been griping the whole time about having to do it and how it's not my fault, so why should I have to do it. The truth is, it doesn't really matter whose fault it is at this point. I still have my responsibilities and I want to tend to them instead of shoving blame on him.



Geez, I blame this man for everything. I have wanted him to feel guilty because of my physical decline. I think so he would see how badly he hurt me and it would prevent him, somehow, from doing it again...aka punishment.

The truth is I take HORRIBLE care of myself. I either starve myself or binge...mostly starve. I smoke like a freaking freight train (I started back on D-Day after having quit for almost a year, which of course he felt guilty for), I take way too many pills to numb the pain. I take chances with my health. It's no wonder I feel so crappy! Patriot, you did not make me this way. I did it myself. I chose it for myself and I'm sorry that I took pleasure in your guilt. I'm sorry that I tried to control you through guilt. I will take better care of myself, too.



Okay, well I obviously identify.



You forgot selfish. I hate how selfish I have become. I identify with all of those qualities. I have been so distant from EVERYONE this past 10 months. I wonder what they think??? They probably think I can't stand them and that I don't even care. How do I stop being all those things?



Another tribute to selfishness. I don't care about anything. Everything seems less important in comparison to my pain. Everyone's issues are less important. Me, me, me, me, me. Yuck!



That kind of speaks for itself.



Well, then it is no wonder I am lost. The first time I read this, I thought I did take responsibility on occassion. I don't. I make him responsible and then I blame him for not meeting my expectations. I thought I had stopped, but I have not. I think I may be learning, but still at the very early stages. I want to do master this because I want to unwrap him from my tentacles and set him free.



I have been handling the first portion pretty well - accepting my feelings. The last part speaks loudly to me..."acceptance of the fact that we cannot change the other person - healing from our loss and disillusion is an inside job." I have been making it out outside job. No wonder he feels like a big ole failure all the time! This is going to be hard. Again, though, I really want to set him free of this responsibility. That's a tough one to even say or try to own. As I say it, I'm scared that if I set him free of the responsibility, then he won't even try...still attempting to control it. This one will need much attention.



Trying to control does give the illusion. I can also attest that it does not work. I'm afraid that if I don't make him, he either won't know how or just plain won't love me and accept me. I'm afraid to let it go. I want to. I don't want love that I had to twist out of someone.



It IS a horrible waste of energy. I just last night played THE longest game of WHAT IF. I usually do it all by myself, but this time I roped Patriot in on it, too. I haven't wanted to admit I was powerless. I have squandered day after day by living in the past or the future.



This sounds very difficult. I'm not sure that I'm clear on how creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior applies, but I get the feeling it probably does and I just don't want to see it. This all sounds very hard, but I want it.

Well, I really focused yesterday on not living in the past or the future. Not living in the past was not as difficult as I thought it would be (at least it wasn't yesterday, not to say that there won't be days where it is very difficult), but living in the future was harder than I thought.

There were actually a couple of times I started to project ahead and had to stop and remind myself that "today is about today only." Maybe there will be other days I can look at some future plans, but I really wanted yesterday to just be about yesterday.

I had a good talk with Patriot yesterday about the current jobs we are focusing on right now.

One thing that came up was how my punishing behavior reinforces his conflict-avoidance behavior. His conflict-avoidance behavior then reinforces my punishing behavior. It's like a vicious, circular machine that moves us constantly in the wrong direction!

It occured to me that the reverse could be true. The less I practice controlling, punishing behavior, the less likely he would be to conflict-avoid. If we work together, each taking care of our own responsibilities, we could actually move this circular machine into a different direction...towards Recovery together, and even down a path that we aid each other in personal Recovery, as well.

I really hope so.

Tonight, Mr. Patriot is taking me out to dinner. I am very excited...got all dressed up, polished my nails, got my hair did and everything! I am looking quite forward to it.

It was thoughtful of him to let me know in advance, too. He knows how I like to prepare. Half the fun is in the preparation and the anticipation is great, too.

I am hoping we can talk about some of our future plans together. It would be nice to have something to look forward to on that front, as well.

The date was nice. Dinner was nice.

All in all, it was a great night. There were times last night when we were laughing so hard we could barely talk. It felt nice, kind of reminiscent of what I liked so well about us when we first met.

We used to laugh so much, of course because we are both so hilariously witty and funny (maybe only to each other)!

We used to say that if we were a reality show, NO ONE would get it because our life together is comprised of so many inside jokes that no one else would even think it was funny.

He is hilarious and I love the way he makes me laugh. Even through some of the really, really bad parts of Recovery, one of us would make a sarcastic, funny remark that would make the other one laugh.

There is a connection between Patriot and I that is extremely rare and very special. I know it's real. Other people see it, too. I don't mean the girls at my salon who think Patriot and I are two lovey-dovey newlyweds. It may look that way to them, but they don't have all the facts and their recognition doesn't feel real. People here have recognized it, and they DO have all the facts. They have so many facts, it couldn't BE more real.

There is something very special between us and I want it. I want him. I want this marriage. We may not be fully Recovered, but we are already a success story. We are just a "work in progress", and I hope that we always are.

Last night did have its uncomfortable moments towards then end. I still trigger so badly sometimes. I don't quite know yet how to achieve the best balance between sharing how I feel with him or making him feel guilty or controlling him.

There were a couple of times when something came up and he could tell I was upset and he asked me about it. I felt ill-equipped to communicate it to him because I didn't want to make a mistake, so I just said "I don't know the right way to tell you!"

I'm working really hard and I don't want to screw it up! I have already impeded our progress enough! I can accept a few mistakes on my part, but I really want to break the pattern I've created for myself and I don't want to continue it without realizing it, or simply switch methods of achieving the same things.

I want to do what is productive. I want to do what is right.

Sometimes I really don't know what "right" looks like.

I am so dying to make progress. I am dying to be able to say "we are Recovered", instead of "recover-ing". I am dying to NOT live in misery.

I dug up my old book The Language of Letting Go, as per the suggestion of BrambleRose to Faithful Follower. Of course, it applies to me, too.

Today's reading:

September 27th

Temporary Setbacks

Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate.

This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not for long.

Keep working at recovery, and the trend will reverse. Before too long, things, and us, will be better than they were before.

This time, the foundation will be solid.

God, help me trust You and recovery, even when I have setbacks. Help me remember that the problems are temporary, and when they are solved, I will be on more solid ground.

I guess I need to say that prayer over and over today, because I am thinking today that all of that sounds like a bunch of BS.

I am very angry today. I don't know what to do with it exactly, besides just feel it. It feels horrible. I do know that I don't want to spew it at Patriot. So I'm not going to - just not sure what else to do with it.

Get it out?

Okay, I went for a very brisk walk. At one point, I felt so angry I even cried, but just momentarily. Talking about it now, though, is going to make me cry again so I'll just say it.

I'm angry.

I hate that you're angry. I was shooting for happy... Your feelings are important to me and I want to know how I can best support you. I am grateful to you for your love and forgiveness.

Meaningless words, perhaps.... but true nonetheless.

I don't know exactly what to say, but I do know that being sensitive to your needs and supporting you is what I want to do. I hope your day gets better.

I actually wasn't addressing you. It did not escape me that you would read what I posted, but I guess I just didn't realize it would affect you that way.

As I stated to you in an e-mail, my discontent does not mean that you are failing in some way.

You are not failing me.

It's kind of a new concept, isn't it...my being angry (or anything else) and not blaming you?

Weird...I didn't even have to try. I just automatically knew it wasn't your fault.

I have hopes that you will get used to it.